Dismissive avoidant attachment style

[Ethan1]

Curious how to handle dismissive avoidant type people that emotionally shutdown with closeness. 

Seems like bringing up emotional topics create some kind of triggered response. 

As if this is attached to certain attitudes or beliefs about relationships. 

... 

So from what I understand they were raised by two parents that were emotionally unavailable & no emotional needs were met.

Making them phobic of any intimate emotions because of some kind of negative association. 

Curious to learn how to bring down the wall and allow emotional vulnerablity & self-disclosure. 

Extremely confusing figuring this one out. 

[FlyingLotus]

On 10/15/2021 at 10:39 PM, Ethan1 said:

Curious to learn how to bring down the wall and allow emotional vulnerablity & self-disclosure.

I really hate to break it to you, but you can't bring down the walls of someone with an avoidant attachment style.  They can only bring down those walls for themselves.  Going from an avoidant to a secure attachment style requires major work, even if the avoidant person is committed to changing.  It's impossible if the avoidant person doesn't actually want to change.  

If you're dating someone like this, the wisest course of action is to ask yourself why you're attracted to an emotionally unavailable person.  There are tons of books and videos online about attachment theory that can help you navigate all of this.  

If the avoidant person has said she wants to change there could be some hope, but that person could also be trying to manipulate you.  Sorry...

Edited October 19, 2021 by FlyingLotus

[Gianna]

From what I understand about attachment styles, a child with an avoidant personality type turns away from the parent because they feel consumed and defeated by the parent's identity. Essentially, the child's sense of self gets swallowed up by the parent. And so, they learn to be avoidant and dismissive with closeness because closeness means loss of the self. 

I would try to find out what uniquely defines this person. Do things that would accentuate their sense of self, their self-expression. What would bring out this person's identity, desires, needs, want, truths, etc? Once this person finds a solid and consistent sense of autonomy within the relationship (and over a fair length of time) they will naturally open up to closeness. 

I would make sure to not do anything overbearing to this person. Autonomy can only develop within a relationship to the degree that the relationship is secure. Make it apparent that the relationship is secure. While also making it apparent that this person can have themselves, and have you too.