Bipolar disorder, tripping & consciousness.

[Dabidoe]

 Bipolar disorder or manic depression as I prefer to call it seems to be very misunderstood. While mania can be extremely destructive and debilitating at least for short periods it can also be very beneficial; tremendous boosts of energy, positivity, creativity and insight but unfortunately leads to a pendulum swing in the opposite direction. I have an intuition that what is labeled as bipolar disorder is far more complex and possibly a closer connection to what Leo refers to as "god consciousness" than the average person. I am not diminishing the severity of this disorder but believe that if the disorder is properly treated and in a supportive environment it can carry with it some very useful spiritual insights if it can be properly harnessed.

The way mental illness is viewed in our culture can make individuals diagnosed feel very outcast, alienated and judged. For a short period of time mania is very blissful and I would liken it to tripping where you get profound insights about god, consciousness and an exit of 'the self.' Just like any trip, if it's too intense it can get out of hand you eventually will get scared and crash. While I regret my actions (not that I had any reasonable control over them at the time) but I still cherish my insights and view them as the beginning of my awakening into a deeper view of the world outside of my personal experience as "me." That's part of the reason that I connected to the content of Actualized.org because I realized on a deeper level that there was more to my existence than just 'the self.' I have been stable on medication for over 10 years now and am fairly functional. I am so thankful for the experiences I was able to have but do not miss the instability of mania.

After being medicated I tried mushrooms and LSD and did not experience much, not realizing that the medication I was on at the time (a particularly horrible antipsychotic that made me gain a ton of weight) was blocking my trips. When switched to a newer better medication (an anticonvulsant called Lamictal should anyone care to know) I took only 2 grams of mushrooms on an empty stomach and was launched into a state similar to mania. It was amazing with tremendous bursts of energy, insight and everything one might want out of a trip but just like with manic episodes eventually swung back the other direction and fell into fear and depression. I have a theory that the reason psychedelics were so powerful for me was that beyond the 'mental imbalance' was that I am naturally 'closer' to these higher consciousness states than the average person. Or as my therapist commented 'my mind is already expanded to begin with.'

While undoubtedly there is "something off" in my mental chemistry I think it's a shame that society paints mental illness with such a broad brush in a negative light. It's understandable that people are afraid of 'crazy people' but doesn't it make sense to at least try to investigate if anything 'deeper' is going on 'under the hood'?

 Does anyone else diagnosed with mental illness have any similar experiences with long lasting spiritual insights that have helped transform their lives for the better?

Edited October 14, 2021 by Dabidoe

[HypnoticMagician]

Even though you are partly right about potential insights you might reach with this kind of illness. I don't agree with embracing the illness or resorting to traditional psychiatry. No, you jhave still a lot to learn. Let me refer you to the awkwardness of connecting everything to genetics :

Of course, it is not recommended to a beginner to try to solve their mental illnesses without applying doctors. It's too risky, dangerous. I took this risk and succeeded. If you wanna replicate the same accomplishment I highly recommend that you do this in a safe environment whether by having your parents support you or saving money as a constant supply of food, water, electricity. Whatever kind of buffer you make, now you can carefully and safely experiment both with your mind and body. Your situation is lighter than me if you're not suicide prone. I both had lots of anxiety, obsession, blinky attention, constant switching between depression and mania, random mental chattering, irritating or addictive voices or even hallucinations. If could overcome such a complex mental node, so can you

[Dabidoe]

I don't think of it as an illness so much as a different type of brain functioning that's more prone to problems. The meds I'm on are fairly benign and don't interfere with my life and deter the potential downsides of mania. I'd be really careful giving out that advice personally, you have no idea who you're talking to over the internet and they might cause serious harm to themselves if they poorly implemented your advice.

 

[HypnoticMagician]

@Dabidoe

"I don't think of it as an illness so much as a different type of brain functioning that's more prone to problems."

No, it is all about illness. You are just trying to rationalize your missings. This is something you need to overcome.

"The meds I'm on are fairly benign and don't interfere with my life and deter the potential downsides of mania."

You can keep having mania nonstop every single day. Your brain is more capable than that. You just have limiting beliefs.

"I'd be really careful giving out that advice personally"

You are right about that. I shouldn't have strongly advised such a dangerous and risky thing however logical and permanent the results you'll get are. But that doesn't disprove my inference. That's very similar to saying psychedelics are harmful just because the person who has used those drugs was so dumb they simply didn't hesitate to abuse this drug overdosing more than they need.

 

By the way, taking LSD or mushrooms are far more dangerous than giving up the meditation, provided the patient in question are not retarded and aware of the necessity of slowly tapering the psychiatric drug they take rather than instantly giving up the medicine.

 

[Nahm]

 

6 hours ago, Dabidoe said:

 Does anyone else diagnosed with mental illness have any similar experiences with long lasting spiritual insights that have helped transform their lives for the better?

Through meditation it was realized The Truth was plain and couldn’t be more simple, and the conditioning was unthinkably & unbelievably radical. As in, more thoughts and beliefs (conditioning) couldn’t have helped in the same way one does not put out a fire with more fire, or get out of quicksand using quicksand. 

6 hours ago, Dabidoe said:

It's understandable that people are afraid of 'crazy people' but doesn't it make sense to at least try to investigate if anything 'deeper' is going on 'under the hood'?

It was also realized that if each one did this, there could be neither crazy people nor fear. 

[EntheogenTruthSeeker]

Yes, after many manic episodes I have not cared about people’s opinions, much more softer on myself, and am able to surrender to mystical experiences with no effort if I can focus. There’s no resistance. Im much more loving than I used to be, less judgmental. 
 

gave me insane visions and I see many interconnections and predict shit in society some people can’t see. 
 

All of this is possible without life-destroying mania. Like, I’m 23 male with no money in my back account, living at home, no momentum, etc. 

 

Getting my diet fruit and vegetable based has been #1 for sleep/no mania.
 

 What is your behavior like during mania? Has it severely disrupted your life?

[BipolarGrowth]

I used to think in a very similar way. I still agree with most of what you’ve said, but just be careful with psychedelics or any spiritual techniques. They might make you unstable at times, and only you can know if that trade off is worth it. 

[Dabidoe]

@EntheogenTruthSeeker  23 is still very young, I'm sure it doesn't feel like it but you have a wealth of time on your hands and it's great you're switching up your diet to take better care of yourself.

My most severe episode got a little psychotic... I lost a good % of my friends due to my behavior (talking crazy, scaring people) and kind of ruined my college experience. 

I'm on meds which seem to help level me out and my mania mostly comes out as hypomania and mixed episodes for me now. I feel brief flights of hope, positivity and energy but then shift to mixed episodes get really angry, upset then swing to an energetic self hatred, despair and hopelessness and then bottom out as just depression which lasts for a while.

@Nahm Thank you for sharing that, can't fight fire with fire really clicked with me. That's a very profound insight about thoughts and conditioning being uselss to solve a problem that is rooted in thoughts and conditioning... Which leaves me wondering how to change. 

I have been taking my meditation habit more seriously and had some great insights on my hour sessions but have had trouble sticking with it lately.(actually being consistent as opposed to 'dabbling') Recently I quit smoking pot (my biggest vice) which I used for my longer meditations and quitting has stirred up a lot of repressed emotions that made it alot more difficult to focus on long periods - a lot of stress and depression.

I'm going to take your words as inspiration to power through and try and view the thoughts/conditioning as the problem not try to "think my way" out of them.

Edited October 16, 2021 by Dabidoe

[Nahm]

@Dabidoe

Awesome. Can you ‘go just a bit prior’, to see that “problem” is also a thought?  That there is such a thing as “a problem” is the conditioning. It is a way of interpreting which was learned. Two ways of addressing this come to mind… 

Write the thoughts on paper (or the back of your dreamboard). Then circle these words - I, me, mine, my. Then notice, in a casual plain way, that you are you… you are aware of the words on the paper… and - I, me, mine, and my - are thoughts, which you experience. A simplified statement: awareness is aware, of the thought, “ I “. This can take a while to click, and that’s fine, there’s no rush, cause there’s no problem. This is not to solve anything, this is just to inspect, to have a look at what’s being experienced in a little more detail. 

Another excellent method is… whenever you feel a ‘negative feeling’, or ‘negative emotion’, or even any inner world / emotional discomfort… focus on the sensation itself. It might be felt in the stomach, between the eyes, in the heart area, maybe the throat, etc. Let thoughts, which act as labels go… and feel only the raw presence of the sensation, without naming it. And honor it, allow it, feel it. This works because we can only experience ‘negative’ emotion by resisting, averting, or, ‘moving away’ in terms of thoughts… from the sensation. 

 

It is not rare or unusual to experience daily meditation, and then for it to get overwhelming or uncomfortable. Not to pick on you at all, but to be clear, do not “power through”, as that is really the heart of conditioning. There isn’t;t anything to power through, or that needs to be powered through, because there is no problem which needs to be solved. Instead, breathe deeply and relax, and observe. When difficult memories or emotions arise in meditation, imo the proper thing to do is something you enjoy. Anything. Listening to music, singing, going for a walk, bike ride, or run. Could be a stamp collection, knitting an blanket, rapping, anything - just whatever it is you enjoy, that feels good to you. This could even be some thoughts that feel good, or something as simple as google imaging puppies, or nature. Then… later, after feeling good… express. Write about the arising feeling, and or talk with someone about it. ‘Problems’ is kind of like a secret. When we express how we’re feeling, there isn’t a secret anymore. Expression Journaling is very very helpful, releasing, and insightful. 

Repressed emotions are like food. You ate it, it didn’t agree with you, but it has been kept inside, like a secret. The body is very, very intelligent, and just like it would barf up food which is not conducive to the health of the body… the body will barf up interpretations which are not conducive to your well being. And here is the ‘fork in the road’… one way to go is to worry, or fear, and re-suppress. The other way is to allow the body to barf out, what you don’t even like or want “in you” so to speak. So to look at / think of the body as supportive, and to love and appreciate, is ideal. It’s a lot like “well this can’t possibly be progress on the path, this feels terrible, this is the exact feeling I DON”T LIKE!!!  But, when these thoughts are recognized as thoughts… they are not the boss anymore. With the simple recognition of - these are thoughts - now you’re the boss, your health, your well being, that’s paramount, primary, fundamental - that is first. WAY more important than any thoughts. Any so we kinds ‘say’… “ok, I’ll keep relaxing, I’ll focus on feeling breathing from the stomach… and body… I get you, I’m with ya… you do your barf thingy… we’re in this together now”. And quite literally, by God that body will ‘show up’ for you, and bring all which is undesirable up & out. And then - not before - THEN - there is release, relief, and clarity, and understanding, and new better feeling more aligned interpretations. 

The emotional scale is most helpful… as one is letting identifying with emotions go, and beginning to recognize one is experiencing emotions… and they are guidance - for literally EVERYTHING you desire to experience in this lifetime. As a reference, consider how much more (commonly speaking) emotions are identified with in comparison to flowers, or tree. Unfortunately it is heard often, “I am sad”, “I am afraid / fear”, “I am angry”…. yet never “I am tree”, “I am flowers”. 

If you experience, from where momentum is currently at, a repeating or returning to discordant (not great feeling) thoughts… the exercise of improv writing is very simple & rather immediately effective. 

Can’t fight problems, with saying there are, problems. 

[PepperBlossoms]

I think shrooms may help with bipolar/depression because in a way, it is an ego boost.  One is depressed and sad (or all over the place) and then when one takes the shrooms, one experiences reality in ways one had not before - - there is then an ego boost of - oh look I am better than my previous self, I am better than my peers who have not experienced this - - I have this knowledge that is reality changing and they do not - - I am special.  This experience was so amazing and I am so greatful and amazed to have experienced it.

The ego boost (and trip) makes one then feel confident, proud, curious, stimulating instead of depressed, suicidal, scared, etc.

There is then urge to look at the insights one got and explore them more with great intensity.  One focuses on the mind and what ideas one can come up with instead of spending money, sex, high adrenaline activities, alcohol, lack of sleep, unhealthy food, etc. that would have started the bipolar mania cycle or looking at how one is a lame, good for nothing, victim that would have started the depression cycle.

The bipolar start of seeking capitalism/fame/sex/adrenaline approach doesn't pay off because those things don't lead to anything and then one goes into depression - - however exploring the mind does pay off because that leads to more explorations which leads to more explorations.

Where one was previously lost in the social game or emotion game, one can go meta of that - - and being able to go meta and see all the constructions we have made in reality makes life feel more significant and precious and awe struck - - one may then chose to be curious and actively chose to not be bipolar/depressed as to chose to be bipolar/depressed gets in the way of exploring reality.

Edited October 17, 2021 by PepperBlossoms