Am I enjoying my suffering?

[Kross]

I got plenty of things to complain, bitch and moan about - and I do a decent job doing that to myself and sometimes others. I do want all those issues to go away as quickly as possible, but sometimes it feels like I'm enjoying all the bullshit happening to me, and it's actually not happening to me, but I'm actively maintaining it. Does anyone else feel like this? How do I possibly change and improve if I'm somehow secretly enjoying this? What do I do? I can't be living like this forever!

[trenton]

@Kross I felt like that a lot through years of my life.  I would criticize myself for enjoying my suffering as if I should not enjoy it, creating more suffering in the process.  First of all, you need to check if you take pride in painful memories of the fact that you suffer in a unique way.  This is the subtle joy you get when you replay painful memories repeatedly.  So far I tried telling a psychologist about this kind of self manipulation, but they seemed stumped, I find Leo's book list on emotional mastery more helpful.

My psychologist guessed that it could be low self esteem and that if I somehow feel unworthy, then it could cause us to feel that we deserve to suffer or be punished.  It sounds like a good guess that could apply to some people.

I was actually working on this aspect of my life earlier today.  I found that my most limiting beliefs are my meta beliefs.  This includes beliefs like "my beliefs should be true" "I should not be self deceived for the sake of emotional comfort" and "I am in control".  These are well intended, but these beliefs can create these emotional problems if not examined carefully.  There is a snuck premise in these beliefs which is that I need a world view to tell me what reality is.  This comforts me by keeping me grounded in my sense of reality, but really this comes from the fear of reality collapsing as I question the very experience I'm having.  As for control, our self judgement can be used to imply that we are the cause of things happening whether they are good or bad.  If the idea of not being in control scares you, then this could be a source of self judgement and emotional turmoil that makes you feel even less in control.  Meditating on these desires and observing them can be a good start.

This can then be turned into some kind of spiritual masochism in which we tear our worldviews apart.  This can lead to a form of suffering mixed with pride, and if you let go of the pride, you let go of the suffering.  If you have a habit of doing this, then part of your mind will not want to change even if you are suffering.  You could then try letting go of your meta beliefs just as an exercise to see how it makes you feel, and then it gives you a window to change this habit.

For me my suffering was mostly internal and consisted of self judgement rather than thinking of problems in the world of with others.  I don't know what your specific beliefs may be, but I hope this gives you a start.  If nothing else, you can try recognizing that you do love suffering, and in this sense you never really suffered which gives you a window into spiritual healing.  Maybe this does not make sense to you, but at least recognize that to reject the fact that enjoy suffering creates falsehood and it results in a spiral of emotional instability.  If you start from self honesty, then you are on the right track.

[Flowerfaeiry]

You have to rise above your liking for suffering if you want to change it!

[Rilles]

I think enjoy the relief too much after I have gone through alot of suffering. Which can become a very toxic cycle. Nothing like that feeling of hope after going through alot of darkness. 

[Thought Art]

Lol, that was one of my biggest obstacles.

"Life can't feel good. I can't trust people. Life is suffering" and how I love my suffering.

It feels scary, but less and less am I suffering. It's like entering a whole new world.

Biggest thing for me right now though, is trusting myself and forgiving myself for past mistakes. Then just being okay with what is. 

The ego loves it's suffering

Also, if you have suffered for a long time safety and trust feel threatening for many reasons, one being homeostasis. 

Edited October 15, 2021 by Thought Art

[Nahm]

Experience the complaints, bitches, and moans as they arise - and witness them, without reacting. Give the emotional scale a try instead. What emotion is this I’m experiencing? Then express that emotion (instead of the gripes) and ‘reach for a better thought’ all the way up the scale. 

Make a dreamboard. It’s a big board of your ‘why’. It’s everything you desire for this life right there to see. The more you realize it all can be so, the less you’re inherently interested in complaining, bitching and moaning. If it’s challenging to come up with what you do want, write a list on paper of everything you know you don’t want, then take a break, and come back to the list and write the opposite next to each line. It’ll reveal all kinds of stuff and inspire. Then write all that stuff on the board, along with anything & everything that arises in thought, which you’d like to experience ‘in the physical’. 

Let go of control, trust absolutely in the universe. Make everyday Christmas. Actually, it already is, just allow it to be so. 

 

@Thought Art Thank you for putting this big smile on this face my man. SOOOO wonderful to hear how you’re doing! ?? 

[Thought Art]

40 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@Thought Art Thank you for putting this big smile on this face my man. SOOOO wonderful to hear how you’re doing! ?? 

Thank you! 

I think stopping smoking weed, and accepting and embracing what is helped. As well as working through some of the fears and shadows I was really stuck on for a few months.

Seems like not smoking weed, meditating 20 minute in the morning and at night in addition to my Qigong and journaling really helped me. So glad to be meditating in the way I used to once more. 

It's a journey.

Edited October 15, 2021 by Thought Art

[Nahm]

@Thought Art

Beautiful my man, much love. ??