Has Anyone Transcended Physical Sexual Attraction?

[Leo Gura]

The mind will definitely plays tricks and develop blindspots for a person's physical deficiencies if their personality is really great or they have some other values to compensate with.

For example, I notice that I automatically become more attracted to a girl if she is really attracted to me. I can literally notice my mind starting to rationalize away some of her physical deficiencies. Not entirely but it's amazing to observe it in action. It's like self-deception happening in real time. The mind spins this illusion of love for the other person by overlooking all their flaws, at least in the short-term. The mind can relax its standards, especially if the mind gets many of its needs met by doing so and there is no other easy way to meet them.

If you are desperate and horny enough, your standards shoot way down. Same if the person has an amazing personality that really clicks with you. That's why dating only 10s and 9s is not so important because its more than compensated with personality and other convenient qualities.

For example, as a guy, dating a 10 or 9 would probably make you insecure about losing her. Which by itself might not be worth the stress and worry. But an 8 or 7 you can feel confident you can keep because she is more loyal and her attraction to you is stronger. And that attraction ego-boost itself can be more rewarding than sleeping with a lukewarm 10 who doesn't see you as her God.

So counter-intuitively you can gain more by lowering your standards a bit, but this requires a more holistic view of the person, with less focus on pure aesthetics.

[ivankiss]

6 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Has Anyone Transcended Physical Sexual Attraction?

I can 'rise' to 'a place' where there is no sexual attraction, whatsoever. The most gorgeous woman could be standing naked in front of me, and nothing would arise. All I'd see is Light.

But I do not operate from those heights - if you will. I am all for attraction and sex, generally speaking. It's just good to know when and how to rise above it.

[Crane Bahnsteik]

2 hours ago, Intense said:

@Crane Bahnsteik Yeah it is also definitely about the validation it would give me. I am still childish as fuck in this regard. How would you heal the wound of being rejected by almost all girls in the past (more than average guys)

Well, i would go into the feelings of those rejections and experience them out, this way eventually the emotional content of those memories dissipate, the trick is to not get caught in the emotion. Lets say you are feeling shame and guilt about a rejection, let yourself be dominated by the shame and guilt until it doesnt bother you as much, cry if you feel to, if you feel you are not making progress, become angry at the shame and guilt that set you up, not at externals, this will give you more energy to deal with the issue.

 

Then i would isolate the feeling of rejection, that visceral sensation, and love it, just love the feeling of rejection and being rejected the best you can, until you can laugh at it, rejection is just an expression of reality, why not to accept it? The problem of rejection is not the rejection itself but the resistance to it, if you love rejection no woman will have power over you and consequently you will become naturally more attractive (Not that it matters anymore in this state.).

Besides, rejection just means incompatibility.

 

Another thing is to be honest and yourself in every situation to the best of your ability, be vulnerable to the fact that people may not like you and be yourself anyway, this is hard but one of the fastest ways to let go of wanting other's approval. The problem with spiritual work is that sometimes we become overly judging on our actions (am i being correct? is this what i should do? is this aligned with what i watched on youtube?) this creates an extra layer of resistance and mental processing that doesnt help at all, just give yourself the luxury of being yourself, consciously, while having of course, a normal social etiquette in mind, and learn from your mistakes.

 

[Jacob Morres]

Looks won't give you much happiness 

But I also want to put the caveat of sometimes its right for people at their level of development 

But for me after having a rel that was extremely unfulfilled it taught me that fulfillment is #1 

But I've also never really been into looks that much. I sort of am, but like leo mentioned I care much about other aspects which make looks much less relevant 

Edited October 14, 2021 by Jacob Morres

[Derek White]

Survival=suffering=unfairness=struggle=effort=limited=manipulation=bias=desires

Men and women on the forum really need to contemplate what it means to be limited, and not just in the dating market. Think of all the people dying of hunger in developing countries. It is not about escaping suffering, it is about suffering more mindfully and eliminating the suffering that comes from illusion, as Leo put it beautifully in one of his vlog videos. Paradoxically, the more you try to run away from suffering, the more you suffer. 

9 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

A huge part of the spiritual work is accepting the unjust nature of survival. It's fucking brutal. It breaks your heart. And yet, you have little choice but to survive. Learning to accept / love that is the challenge.

7 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Dude, that girl you linked is a unicorn. That's not how women are. You linked the top 0.01% of women. You have an extremely cartoonish notion of women.

I have gone out the hottest nightclubs in Vegas for months at a time. I have approached probably over 3000 women. And in all that time maybe I seen a handful of girls that hot. A girl like that has so many dicks orbiting her that just finding her single will be next to impossible because as soon as she dumps one guy she's with another guy the next week.

A girl that hot is getting approached by multiple guys per week just as she's walking around doing her chores during the day, or at work. Guys are blowing up her phone to get her out to some club or party because they wanna get with her. Offering her free meals, free drinks, free rides, free airplane flights, free vacations, job interviews, networking events, fancy private parties, modeling gigs, film auditions, etc.

This girl is using her body to survive in the Social Matrix and she's good at it.

We need more of this honestly from you Leo. Sometimes you try to paint a pretty picture about these things to make guys/gals feel better. 

Can I say one more thing? The girl you guys linked is surely attractive, but there are many girls like that. A large reason why she looks good is because of her clothing and the fact that she's from a rich part of the world where she can afford a healthy diet and a good gym. Given the opportunity and the resources, many girls can be just as hot as her. 

Edited October 14, 2021 by Derek White
Added something.

[Derek White]

@Raptorsin7 Has anyone transcended physical sexual attraction?

I don't have any solutions for the collective, but for individuals like you and me, we can reduce the intensity of physical attraction if we focus more on God, spirituality, our life purpose, or our other passions. This has been my experience. There is definitely degrees to desires, and our hedonistic culture pushes us to be hyper-sexual, because they want us to watch porn and use this desire to make us watch movies and keep us addicted. Perhaps we will be so jaded by the abundance of sexual material in the future that we finally start looking at other factors when dating, that could be our way of transcending it. 

[Harlen Kelly]

9 hours ago, Intense said:

 

She is definitely good looking but chicks with her attributes are very common in countries like Colombia (I highly, highly suggest you go to Colombia, very fun and welcoming country). Maybe you guys find her extra attractive because those physical features are not so common here in the US but in Colombia (and most latin countries for that matter) she would be maybe a bit above average. 

Edited October 14, 2021 by Harlen Kelly

[Tudo]

2 minutes ago, Harlen Kelly said:

She is definitely good looking but chicks with her attributes are very common in countries like Colombia (I highly, highly suggest you go to Colombia, very fun and welcoming country). Maybe you guys find her extra attractive because those physical features are not so common here in the US but in Colombia she would be maybe a bit above average. 

 

Yeah, here in Brazil she would be considered pretty hot, but not that much,  not the top 0,01% as Leo said.

[Harlen Kelly]

Just now, Tudo said:

Yeah, here in Brazil she would be considered pretty hot, but not that much,  not the top 0,01% as Leo said.

Exactly, she would be considered cute in brazil and that's about it. Brazilian dudes would look at white russian chicks and think they are the hottest women on the planet, and western white dudes would look at brazilian/latin women and think they are the hottest women on the planet. 

It's just perception. 

[Lyubov]

8 hours ago, Intense said:

@Lyubov where and how did you attract these women? 

There is no one post I can make that can cover every facet or dimension of it. You have to do the hard work first, a large majority of it is inner work, restructuring/changing your beliefs, healing your emotions and harnessing the masculine energy within you. The second aspect is less important but still makes up a necessary part of the whole, learning the language of women. How to communicate with them what you want and understand how they communicate back, social skills so to speak and ways of communicating your truth and desires. Most PUAs over focus on this. I would say this aspect actually sort of fills itself in with just experience and going out to see women but you are gonna miss a ton of lessons if you aren't doing the first because all your emotional issues, lack of body awareness, etc will be getting in the way. you have to be putting yourself out there and more importantly working on the beliefs/emotions that are holding you back, quite literally holding energy in your body back that women want from you. A lesser talked about aspect here as well is sex. You have to become a sex god. You may not have the opportunity yet to improve in this domain but you need to become incredible in bed. The experience you get from this is more advanced but it's basically the next stage beyond a lot of stuff talked about here. The lessons and energy you get from this will permeate through your body and soul and women will absolutely sense this. It's often over looked here cause a lot of guys are still just learning to walk (talk or get a date with a women in a bar or in class or work or wherever). 

Edited October 14, 2021 by Lyubov

[soos_mite_ah]

13 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Can anyone honestly say they could be just as happy and attracted to a man who is 3ft4 or a woman who is morbidly obese? 

I swear, all of the women on My 500 Pound Life has a boyfriend and many little people have significant others. Attraction is highly relative. 

13 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Also, does anyone have thoughts on in the unjust nature of dating and attraction? People are judged on factors they have 0 control over, what do we think of this?

Yes and a lot of it has to do with issues regarding race, class, and patriarchy and how they can distort attraction. I wouldn't say that attraction is inherently unjust since most of the things that make it unjust can be traced back to social conditioning. 

Just be conscious of your own biases and pay attention to what you're attracted to and how your environment might be influencing you. 

[Etherial Cat]

11 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

race, class, and patriarchy and how they can distort attraction.

Yep!

Basically, these are all factors enhancing or diminishing your survival abilities. We stack unconsciously social capital for our offsprings and ourself. 

Edited October 14, 2021 by Etherial Cat

[Leo Gura]

Obviously attraction is relative. Whatever your perfect 10 happens to be, it is that FOR YOU, not for everyone. Not everyone is looking for the same things. This actually makes attraction a bit easier. If you talk to enough people chances are really high that one of them will love you.

[Tudo]

2 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Obviously attraction is relative. Whatever your perfect 10 happens to be, it is that FOR YOU, not for everyone. Not everyone is looking for the same things. This actually makes attraction a bit easier. If you talk to enough people chances are really high that one of them will love you.

Yeah, I think so too

[Bob Seeker]

If there’s any good motivation to quit porn, it makes the 7s and 8s seem more perfect, also u should definitely try and appreciate a woman’s overall sexiness, he energy, her walk, her femininity, dress, etc.

shit, I’d get with a 5 easy if we had a lot of time to bond and our personalities really clicked 

Edited October 14, 2021 by Bob Seeker

[aurum]

@Raptorsin7

No, I haven’t transcended “unjust” dating. But it is possible to transcend a lot of the bitterness relative to this topic.

All relationships are based on meeting needs. To ask people to not be selective about who they date is the equivalent of asking them to enter into a relationship where their needs won’t get met. Which will never happen if both parties are relatively conscious.

The good news is that pretty much anyone is capable of ending up in a relationship where they are relatively fulfilled and their needs are being met. There may be some rare outliers, like perhaps people with severe physical deformities. But this is such a low percentage of the population it’s not worth forming a world view around how unjust the dating world is. And even people in these extreme outlier examples can still find happiness, 

[FlyingLotus]

Lots of good advice in this thread.

It’s one thing be inspired by beauty and another to put it on a pedestal as something separate from you.  Energetically they’re pretty much opposite.  This video explains that really well.

 

Honestly, the difference between a 7 and a 9 is hair, makeup, wardrobe, nutrition and lighting.  In the hands of a good makeup artist a brush becomes a magic wand.  Even 90s supermodel Cindy Crawford used to say, “I don’t wake up looking like Cindy Crawford.”

On 10/14/2021 at 5:34 AM, Intense said:

Yeah it is also definitely about the validation it would give me. I am still childish as fuck in this regard. How would you heal the wound of being rejected by almost all girls in the past (more than average guys)

As you heal this pain, don’t be surprised if your taste in women naturally changes.  You’ll start to focus more on personality and less on looks, and you’ll be much happier for it.  Shadow work, psychedelics, meditation, journalling, IFS are good ways to start.  

I personally don’t think you should resist or shame yourself for wanting what you want, as long as you also work on the real problem.  If you resist or shame yourself, your desire for supermodel lady will only get stronger.

Work on your goals, but stay open to the possibility that as you get healthier, your wants will get healthier too.  Teal Swan has a good video on this.  You can’t heal yourself out of a desire, although as you heal, your desires will likely change.

 

 

Edited October 15, 2021 by FlyingLotus

[Raptorsin7]

@soos_mite_ah @FlyingLotus @soos_mite_ah I was listening to a conversation on the grapevine recently and they talked about the issues with colorism in dating, and the need to address the issue. 

Do you see a difference in judging someone based on skin tone/ethnicity and judging someone based on their height? 

As I was listening to the conversation I was wondering how many of the woman concerned about colorism discrimination would be comfortable dismantling heightism discrimination.

Is it realistic to expect woman to be happy and comfortable with a man a foot shorter than them?

Edited October 16, 2021 by Raptorsin7

[FlyingLotus]

5 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Do you see a difference in judging someone based on skin tone/ethnicity and judging someone based on their height? 

I think both topics are worthy of discussion and deconstruction.  

5 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Is it realistic to expect woman to be happy and comfortable with a man a foot shorter than them?

It’s absolutely realistic for a woman to be happy with a guy who’s a foot shorter than her.  I’ve known a few happy couples where the woman was noticeably taller than the guy in fact.

For example, I took a year long Intro to Politics class in college.  The professor for the first semester was a 6ft tall, blonde, skinny, pretty lady.  She said her husband would be teaching the second half of the course next semester.  I was pretty much expecting him to be tall and fairly attractive.  Surprisingly he was 5’5, average body, average face.  He had a nice smile, but the best thing you could say about his raw physical attractiveness was that he was “cute.”   Thing is, within about ten minutes of him teaching it became super, duper obvious why he had a hot wife.  He was funny, smart, charismatic, very enthusiastic about politics, just had very attractive, positive energy all around.

IMO, it’s totally possible for a tall woman to be happy with a short guy, depending on the personalities of the people involved.  Some people could be married to the perfect woman or man and still find a way to be miserable!

Of course, all things being equal, short men have it tougher than tall men.  However, it’s always a good idea to make the most of your situation, short, tall, fat, thin, etc.

I think a conflict of values is way, way more of an issue than a guy being a foot shorter than a woman.   Even things like one person wanting kids when the other one doesn't, or one person being a drug addict, or a cheater are much bigger obstacles to a happy marriage than height.  Of course it depends on the individuals involved.  

Edited October 16, 2021 by FlyingLotus

[Leo Gura]

6 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Is it realistic to expect woman to be happy and comfortable with a man a foot shorter than them?

Most women will not be happy with that unless there is some massive overriding value in other areas. Like maybe the guy is a celebrity or a millionaire or exceptionally good in bed.

Selection of mates is never going to be fair or equal or kind. People will always be choosy and have lots of personal biases towards certain features. Trying to change this is silly. Let people be turned on by whatever turns them on.