Journaling for fear

[Preety_India]

The only way to deal with fear is to journal it. 

Since I left the forum in a jiffy, I suffered from withdrawal symptoms. 

I had to take that decision in the last minute. 

For a person like me, this wasn't easy. 

I was anxiety bonded to the forum. Which meant whenever I was anxious, I used the forum as a means of distraction from the anxiety. The forum interaction helped me with coping with my deep anxiety. 

Not being on the forum meant dealing with that anxiety again. 

This became a vicious cycle because the forum was a toxic place full of arguments and fights. This sometimes made my anxiety worse. But just like with drugs, you come back for more because living without is also equally terrifying. 

Now that I left the forum, I got severe jitters. Followed by nightmares and panic attacks. 

The last mental breakdown I had on the forum actually was very dangerous. It gave rise to a series of nightmares and attacks. I felt severely ill. I was attacked during my most mentally vulnerable state. I can't believe people can do such things to others. It's reprehensible.. 

My Covid anxiety still flares up from time to time. It's hard. 

People who never had to deal with anxiety attacks, panic, nightmares will never understand what all of this feels like. 

I remember being on a forum before joining here and the experience there was equally miserable. There was a guy who had shot people with a gun and he would routinely name call and harass me. When it became too much, I simply left the forum because there were no moderators there. 

The experience on this forum was slightly more safe than that one. Yet I don't feel like this forum is safe either. 

You can't tell someone who has anxiety to have tough skin or to stop experiencing anxiety. This is not how it works. 

Vulnerable people come online for help and support often times because they have nobody to turn to in real life and the internet becomes their refuge. But the internet is also filled with sociopaths and people who only come online to hurt and enjoy hurting others mentally. 

This is a dangerous mix. It's like mixing rapists with rape victims. 

The more vulnerable you are the worse it gets. This combination is deadly. 

The forum is not set properly. It's designed in a way that it brings radically different Groups of people and lumps them together. 

You can't have two types of people with drastically different mental and emotional levels in one place. The only place where such mixing happens is a school. A high school is a dangerous place. Because kids from all backgrounds are a free pass into the classroom. Some kids are tough and insensitive, downright sociopathic. Some kids are depressed, sensitive, vulnerable and emotional, Empathetic. The kids who are insensitive start bullying the sensitive ones. This often becomes the breeding ground for traumas and complex psychological damage that the institution never takes into account on a greater scale. Since children are unable to reason and rationalize, they automatically internalize all the trauma leading to an array of psychological problems like PTSD, attachment issues, trust issues, abandonment issues, anxiety, depression, obesity, and a lifelong battle to undo the trauma experienced in school. 

I wish authorities created separate school groups for different children. Children who show early sociopathic tendencies of hurting other kids and provoking fights should be separated from the rest of the group and schooled in another classroom. This will provide relief to abused and bullied children who don't have to deal with that again.

 

[Preety_India]

I have a very low tolerance for mean comments, in fact I have the lowest tolerance for such things in a majority group. 

I just can't stand someone laughing, mocking, ridiculing or constantly being critical or negative, it flares up my PTSD from childhood that came from  my mother's narcissistic abuse and bullying from other children. 

In my life my endeavor has always been to never hurt others. When I see myself as doing something like that, I tend to instantly apologize. 

I never see this with other people, especially those who have a very high ego. They never apologize. Such people are generally abusive, insensitive and have a penchant for hurting. Because they like the stimulation from it. 

Hindsight 20/20, I should have done a bit of threat assessment on this forum. I never knew that the forum would be infested by trolls and spam accounts who could easily attack users. 

Next time if I visit another website in the future, I'll do a cursory threat assessment of the social aspect of that place to determine the kind of crowds that come there. 

 

[Preety_India]

Like a year ago I had decided to leave this forum or at least not spend so much time here and be elsewhere on a place meant for mentally sensitive people like me. 

It was a horror show there. The moderators there were ill-equipped to deal with the dangers of the internet. And as a result that place was infested with pedophile men and extremely dangerous men who would prey on weak and vulnerable, mentally sensitive women like me. 

Like there was a guy from America who tried to offer me help in terms of guidance for depression. He almost posed himself as a general helper and do-gooder. 

He directly messaged and told me that he is great at dealing with people who have anxiety etc. I was dealing with Joseph at the time and it was a tough relationship and I needed a shoulder to cry on whenever the abuse was too much to take. 

This guy took my number, I mean I gave him my personal number and I trusted him with it. 

Initially he was very kind. He was Many many years older than me, almost 25-30 years older to me. Almost my mom's age. 

I trusted and gave him my number in the hopes that he would be a good friend. 

As months went by, I would often talk to him whenever I needed mental or emotional support especially regarding my issues with Joseph. He would try to calm me down. 

Then suddenly one day, I saw his Facebook post and I was alarmed to see that the post was quite sexually deviant, something that a pedophile would write. I immediately reported that post. 

He sent me a lots of sexually obscene texts.

I deleted his number and blocked him forever. 

This man had befriended me on a mental health website meant to help people like me who suffer PTSD, depression and anxiety, especially women who are vulnerable. 

So what was this man doing in such a place????!?? 

From the same place, I met a Ukrainian guy who approached me for help. This was a completely different experience and scenario than the first one. 

This guy pretended to be Suicidal and when he read my posts trying to comfort another suicidal person on the forum/website, he direct messaged me with his problems and told me how badly he needed someone to talk to. He appeared in distress from the way he wrote. He was a young recently divorced guy. So I thought to myself that I can really help him to feel better and talk him out of suicide. That's what I thought. I gave him my number and told me to contact me whenever he felt awful and needed someone to talk to. 

The next day he texted me and initially the conversation hinged on his divorce and financial situation. 

Then after a few minutes, I told him that I was busy and that I would come back in a few minutes. 

Later when I came back to offer him help, the conversation immediately changed to him saying all sorts of sexual rubbish to me. It was insane. I felt violated and disrespected. I blocked and deleted his number immediately. 

These two experiences taught me that the internet in general is a very disgusting place to be. 

It's not meant for vulnerable sensitive people who come for help and support.. 

It has a complex combination of people who are looking for social support and those who are prowlers who are on the prowl to look for vulnerable women for sexual reasons. 

It can be full of mentally ill psychos, sexual predators, abusers, pedos, sociopaths, bullies, men who are very frustrated and target women with their sexual frustration. 

 

Edited October 12, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

My fear largely comes from people. 

Wherever I go I get a lot of attention, even without me wanting it. People find me unique and odd and this attracts a lot of attention. 

This attention is unhealthy but I have gotten used to it.. 

This is nothing new for me anymore. When I was on the other website, I naturally attracted a lot of followers. 

My social media accounts also attracted a lot of followers and likes, and so I had to disable those accounts. 

It's no point. This kind of attention is simply a hassle for me. I hate it. 

 

[Preety_India]

On this website, I had a lot of followers like 100 followers. I deleted all of them. It has prevented curious onlookers from viewing my page constantly. 

I mean wtf. Why do people give others so much attention? 

I hardly and rarely ever visit someone's profile. And these are mostly men. Why are men so curious, especially about a random female online, what's so special? 

Why do they act so starved? It blows my mind. 

If I ever visit someone's profile, it is mostly because those are the people I generally talk to or if I consider them as a close friend. 

Otherwise, you know, constantly hanging out on someone's profile, if you don't know them personally, is almost synonymous with stalking. 

 

[Preety_India]

Now that I have a boyfriend, I feel way better and I don't feel the need to talk to people anymore. 

He is very supportive of me and my space. 

I am very happy with him. 

It's almost like a miracle. He came and I instantly felt like a heavy burden was lifted off my shoulders. 

I suffered for so long but his presence makes everything worthwhile. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

This this.¬

⤵️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️

This guy nailed it. I'm not going to say much but I had similar thoughts. 

 

 

 

Lets get real ya know. 

 

Edited October 12, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Also this forum attracts a lot of incel mentality. 

It's a total shit show sometimes. 

I used to get triggered a lot by that in the past when I was here in the  beginning. 

Slowly I have come to realize that it'll be this way and nothing can change it. 

This forum drastically puts two diametrically opposite people in one beaker. On one hand you have terribly insecure people who are totally red pilled who come here with some insane ideas on women and they are lumped together with people who are interested in spiritual work and Detachment from life. This is a recipe for disaster. In that case, two separate forums should have been created. This is some stupid shit. How can you have two different groups of people with two different mindsets and psyches in one place and tell them to get along with each other. It's like bringing Biden supporters and Trump supporters in one place and asking them to get along with each other, who thought this would be great idea. It's bound to suffer clashes and fights. 

Sometimes I feel there is some psychological abuse here, because you feel scared to say openly what you want and when you actually say it loud, you get gaslighted for it. 

 

[Preety_India]

I desperately needed this. 

I needed a space for venting all of my forum related frustration. 

I had to get it off my chest. 

This venting helps a lot. 

The forum messed with my psyche big time for 3 years. I didn't realize I was in a deep rabbit hole. 

But the forum also unwittingly taught me extremely valuable lessons about the online world. Some of these lessons might be obvious to some people yet they weren't so obvious to me since I was still a newbie to the world of the internet. 

Now that I have accomplished a certain level of experience of how the online world works, what to avoid, what not to avoid, what to ignore, what not to ignore, one day I'm going to compile a list of dos and don'ts on the internet, lessons I learned as an introvert. And these are deep lessons. 

Also I learned a thing or two about socialization online.. 

And it's very tricky. You have to be extremely smart at reading people online despite not being able to see their body language. You simply have to rely on your own brain and experience to correctly type people. 

It's important to know who is who so you don't get caught up between predators. 

The last lesson is about boundaries. 

Boundaries are so important in the internet world that if you fail at establishing boundaries like me, you will soon turn into a doormat for all kinds of predators, sociopaths, and exploiters. 

I'll call such people energy vampires and vultures. 

 

[Preety_India]

I'll use this journal to express my fears and anxieties openly. 

Everytime I have nightmares I will look into their causes related to this forum and my past usage here as well as the withdrawal symptoms I suffered. 

Also whatever I learned from my anxieties and fears. 

Don't falsely assume that the forum does not impact you psychologically because it does more than you know 

 

 

[Preety_India]

My self confidence has greatly improved after I found love once more. 

I feel very confident now. 

Before it would have been impossible for me to say no to people or cancel my followers or cancel any shit for that matter 

 

With this new found confidence, I see myself saying a firm "No" to people I should be saying a "No" to. 

I recently canceled a lot of people on the forum who  who befriended me outside this place. They were seriously toxic and were using me to exploit my Vulnerability to the max. Because of them I had insomnia and sleepless nights. They would dump their mentally ill behaviors on me. They would drag me into drama I didn't wish to be a part of. They would make threats and I didn't know how to deal with it. 

Finally I said a firm NO and put a full stop to it. I deleted their contact from my phone. 

In the future hopefully I would be able to be harsher with them 

Like for example I would able to say something like —

Hey, I don't wish to deal with your bullshit. I had enough. Don't put me in unnecessary trouble. You do whatever the fuck you like. But don't drag me into it. Please don't take advantage of my courtesy and friendship. I'm not letting anyone do this to me again. I'm sorry I will have to stop communication with you because I don't feel comfortable with whatever you are doing and I'm not a good fit around people like you. Please leave me alone and don't be in my life. We're no longer friends and I don't wish to talk to you anymore because 8 don't think I can trust you. 

This kind of language was literally impossible for me to use a couple of months ago. I couldn't cut people out who pretended to be my friend only to low key exploit and test me for their own mentally disordered reasons. 

I'm done with such people who suck the energy out of me and cause me nothing but negativity, trigger, provocation and fake compassion. 

 

                  

 

Edited October 12, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I need to use an initial screening filter to immediately screen out all those who exhibit suspicious behaviors. 

For example if there is somebody who tells me that they made multiple spam accounts on a website I should immediately screen them out because there isn't too much leeway I can give to such people no matter how much they beg for my company 

 

A person showing highly suspicious activity right from the get go should be checked off the list right away. Why give any benefit of the doubt? From my personal experience, it shouldn't be my personal responsibility to correct their behavior. What they do or don't, they are responsible for it solely and I should simply choose to dissociate from such people for my own health and sanity..

Often times I have had trouble saying no. 

Also I have to learn to account my self as responsible for some of the drama that happened in my life. Even it was my own naiveté, it was my self ownership and responsibility to make sure early on that I made myself aware of the future dangers of my carelessness. 

I simply went with the flow which I'm not going to do from now onwards. I need to pay attention to my inner voice a little more and if something doesn't give me what I need or if something doesn't feel right, I should make it clear from the get go. 

And if the other person doesn't show the required patience to deal with my boundaries and weaknesses then I should simply let them go. 

 

[Preety_India]

I realize that I still have a long way to go in setting boundaries, screening people and in general self and social awareness. 

So many lessons to learn about what I shouldn't do and what I should. 

Generally people who respect your needs and boundaries are usually the ones you'll have the best time with 

 

To Marcel — I love you so much. You're the best. 

                      

 

Edited October 12, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Just now, Marcel said:

@Preety_India

I am so proud of you Hannu 

You are growing so much, it’s incredible.

I love and adore you forever ❤️

I love you. ?❤️

I'm feeling so much better 

 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel also good morning my  Ewige Seele. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel Ich liebe dich 

[diamondpenguin]

@Preety_India omg, you do think like me don't you. 

8 hours ago, Preety_India said:

This this.¬

⤵️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️

This guy nailed it. I'm not going to say much but I had similar thoughts. 

 

 

 

Lets get real ya know. 

 

No wonder you're attracted to Narcissists! You're an INFJ. Narcissists eat us for breakfasts! It's horrible, but they're like crack to us. We can't help it. 

[Preety_India]

@diamondpenguin yup

[Preety_India]

There are just so many things that are slowly coming to an end 

 

[Preety_India]

Today I did not have a panic attack 

One thing I have understood is that it takes a huge effort to understand who is how. 

It takes a lot of effort in finding respectful people who will not break your boundaries or treat you like shit after you have done everything for them.. 

But I'm just generally happy and free that I'm over with a lot of things. 

One clue that I gathered from my experiences is to detect drama wherever possible and just stay out of it for a good measure, do yourself a service and just remove all these cobwebs from your life. One by one. 

List it. See how you feel about it. Note it down. Reflect on it. Do some psycho emotional processing. And find ways to quit it in both polite and harsh ways. Just generally keep a no nonsense policy so this never repeats again and learn from past mistakes. 

Remember the person who gives you a strange feeling or vibe and just don't engage much. This way you're filtering majority of people and only having those who are generally safe.. 

I don't know these past two months tested my resolve like nothing else. 

I gave back to a lot of people who were subconsciously hurting me. 

It fell like a pack of dominos. Funny how that happened. One card falling after another. 

It began to unravel itself so fast and I realized I was deeply stuck in so much drama that it felt like quicksand. 

First it was the guy who I had to deal with and it was a long time coming. I just felt absolutely free. 

Then I confronted a person who had a few choice words for me. 

Then it was a person who I had to completely block from my life, a girl. And I felt very relieved. 

Then next it was someone who was being covert with me and I gave them back as well. 

Then I slowly moved to making my boundaries tougher and tougher. It's almost like a shedding process rather than including, it's more like eliminating. Then I removed this one person who was in regular communication with me and who had given me a threat, a very lethal threat and who were constantly trying to guilt and gaslight me. I did not respond to another person who was trying to command me. I did a good job at filtering him out. I had enough of that person 

Next was major drama in my life and I finally managed to put an end to it. 

 

 

I mean bravo...i feel like a heavy burden is lifted off me. I feel pure and strong and myself again. 

Lesson learned and probably the biggest lesson - those who don't allow you to be yourself, they are drama Queens and cut them out of your life because they're weaving a thick web and it would be too late before you realize this. They don't need your compassion nor have they done work to deserve it.