Dating A Low Consciousness Person

[SomewhatAnonymous]

Hello all. I am looking for some insights on a situation I am going through right now.

I am in a relationship since 3 months (living together actually, it all went by quite quickly).  I got attracted to this 26 y/o girl - I'm 27 - because we had a lot of fun talking together, I felt there was & is a connection, but also because I was physically attracted to her.  We started dating, going to bars; for a few weeks I forgot about personal development and just went full superficial mode (relapse, maybe?).  I was actually happy & proud to be dating someone so attractive, until recently.

While introvert, she loves to have pictures taken and to be told how beautiful she looks.  Loves to dress up.  She is into fashion, etc...

She has a bit of anger management issues.  Every week or two she'll blew up, usually for very trivial stuff (been there before).  She can go back and forth from happy to sad very easily, for very superficial things (bought a necklace = happiness;  she cannot find what she wanted to buy = sadness).  I see her a slave of her multiple superficial needs, whether it is shopping, have pictures taken, going out, going somewhere fancy, sex, so on.

The issue: she doesn't want to solve problems and prefers to look away. She is not interested in any kind of coaching or (let alone) higher level consciousness "hippiness". Neither an Actualized.org video, less breathing exercises or meditation.
I can stay centered and detached for about 95% of the tantrums, and eventually defuse her.

I just don't know how can I *actually* help her.  I feel we are moving on different universes, but at the same time I feel I should be able to relate and help any kind of human being, not just those that see the world like me.

I know I can just break up, but feels like giving up too easy.  Maybe someone can enlighten me on how to think about all this.

Thank you for your time.

Edited December 17, 2016 by SomewhatAnonymous

[Shin]

You can't help her, she does not wants to, as you said.

The only question you have to ask, is "Do I want this relationship as it is"

You already know the answer, you just hope there is an another way, but deep down you know there isn't.

[Arman]

29 minutes ago, SomewhatAnonymous said:

I just don't know how can I *actually* help her

love her unconditionally. love elevates 

are you her boyfriend or her therapist?

 

[SomewhatAnonymous]

21 minutes ago, Arman said:

love her unconditionally. love elevates 

are you her boyfriend or her therapist?

 

That's not a bad angle. But she constantly requests to be fulfilled in superficial ways. Do you think feeding her is the right thing to do? She will always go back to suffering afterwards.

[SomewhatAnonymous]

1 hour ago, Shin said:

You can't help her, she does not wants to, as you said.

The only question you have to ask, is "Do I want this relationship as it is"

You already know the answer, you just hope there is an another way, but deep down you know there isn't.

Yeap. You are right. It's pretty much trying to change her or our relationship to my will, disguised as "helping her/us".

I should either take it or leave it.

[kurt]

@SomewhatAnonymous One of the problems you might face in the future if you decide that you really like her and want to continue with your relationship is sadly she might become unstable when she becomes emotionally attached to you, and you become attached to her.  Which might cause you some stress, perhaps some wounding that you could do without.  I assume that youre a person who wants to grow and improve?  So what is your motive for wanting to be around this girl?  May i suggest its maybe a slight case of vanity superseding your authentic self.  Maybe something to look at?  Youre wounded and attracted to her to feel good about dating such an attractive girl, and shes emotionally unstable and not really a "spiritual" type.  

Can you really see a future?  If not, then be warned that once attachment happens its going to be a bit of grief that you could have saved yourself.

As @NTOgen says, logic trumps emotion if growth is your goal.  

And your situation seems a perfect example of emotion trumping logic.

Its logical to want to enjoy healthy emotion, and vica versa, healthy emotions validate and confirm healthy logic.

[kyle barnett]

Dude, you can't forget, she is a girl ! Most of the things you mentioned a totally normal girl things. She seems fine by me. You just need to realise she is an emotional creature. That means when she has episodes she wants a guy to listen to her and love her, not give advice. Idk if you already knew that or not. Dont show her actualized.org videos man trust me. AH leo talks alot about this

 

p.s if you want to help her. Be the guy she wants to comfort her. Do not tell her how to live, let her be herself, and just hug her whenever shes angry you know stuff like that.

 

However if she isnt helping you grow or she is holding you back, you need to probably leave her. Do not let anybody get in the way

Edited December 18, 2016 by kyle barnett

[kurt]

No, shes actually dysfunctional.  But then again, wanting to help her is also dysfunctional too.  

[SomewhatAnonymous]

2 hours ago, kurt said:

So what is your motive for wanting to be around this girl?

Indeed, it's a very superficial motive. I thought I was getting beautiful & down to earth in the same package, but turns out it's not the case.

We are living together in a foreign country so the whole thing is a nice adventure.

2 hours ago, kurt said:

Can you really see a future?  If not, then be warned that once attachment happens its going to be a bit of grief that you could have saved yourself.

I don't see there is. I'm already slowly detaching and making plans ahead assuming she won't be in my life. I might continue and enjoy the good stuff for a few more months while we can stay here. Then each back to their own country anyways.

2 hours ago, kyle barnett said:

Dude, you can't forget, she is a girl ! Most of the things you mentioned a totally normal girl things.

True, although this one is doing it way more often than other girls I dated, and many times worse, hehe.

1 hour ago, kurt said:

No, shes actually dysfunctional.  But then again, wanting to help her is also dysfunctional too.  

I agree.

Thank you everyone so far. You have provided very valuable insights, both for this relationship and what to look for in the future.

[kyle barnett]

It is up to you really, we can't tell you whether or not to keep the relationship, you have to decide what you want in life, and if she supports you that's great, but if not then, you'l have to lose ties with her

[Life]

7 hours ago, kyle barnett said:

Dont show her actualized.org videos man trust me. AH leo talks alot about this

@kyle barnett  Could you clarify a bit on that? Up to now I did't come across Leo telling not to show actualized.org videos to ones girlfriend. On the other hand I have the impression that many of the personal development concepts teached at actualized.org are targeted to men and if a woman would apply them one-to-one she would loose parts of her femininity.

[Shin]

27 minutes ago, Life said:

@kyle barnett  Could you clarify a bit on that? Up to now I did't come across Leo telling not to show actualized.org videos to ones girlfriend. On the other hand I have the impression that many of the personal development concepts teached at actualized.org are targeted to men and if a woman would apply them one-to-one she would loose parts of her femininity.

How do you know ?

Maybe there is as many women as men.

Maybe they don't want to be stalking online and choose to appear as male in their profile, like in any other forum.

 

I don't see which concepts are reserved to men, except the videos about how to make a girl squirt and such ^^

Even if there was really less women than men, it would probably be because they have differents limiting beliefs, not because of the concepts themself.

 

Edited December 18, 2016 by Shin

[pluto]

The problem with people that have risen to a higher consciousness(so to speak) is that they strive and thrive in freedom and to be free spirits they are as they have remembered who and what they really are and what life's really about. This deeper understanding gives them this drive to actually live life were the rest of humanity are merely existing and following one anothers cultural/social expectations in a never ending routine or loop. This drives those who have awakened(if you will) crazy because someone with a lower consciousness is always going to want commitment, promises, man-made ideology's and expectations where as to a person of higher consciousness is more aligned with universal laws of creation and freedom to live as they wish and are usually free from comfort zones where those still asleep or lower consciousness live in and by comfort zones.

Edited December 19, 2016 by pluto

[Donald]

@SomewhatAnonymous Being a self developed guy you must be aware of the following quote  : "If the only tool you have is a hammer , you treat everything as it were a nail"

[SomewhatAnonymous]

21 hours ago, Donald said:

@SomewhatAnonymous Being a self developed guy you must be aware of the following quote  : "If the only tool you have is a hammer , you treat everything as it were a nail"

Was not aware of it. I like this quote though. Thank you

[Aware]

On 17 december 2016 at 10:52 PM, SomewhatAnonymous said:

I just don't know how can I *actually* help her.

Help yourself first.

Refrain from lust. Move away and get yourself together by seclusion from worldly distraction. Do whats best for both.

[Actualized Disciple]

@SomewhatAnonymous

 

I am experiencing the same sort of problem in my intimate relationships lately. On a superficial level my partner and I relate very well and have similar interests. But on a deeper level it is obvious that we are not on the same page. She runs from her problems instead of facing them and uses addictions and insecurities to mask her emotional underdevelopment. Just some examples are a desperate need for luxury-end makeup, and an overbearing need to be validated by her peers. She thinks I am very judgmental, even though I try to judge as little as I can. I think you are likely judging her a lot as well, I noticed once i spent time living with her (for about 11 days straight) that we valued deeper things and that a lot of the things that she valued, i once valued. It served as a good reminder that by judging her, I was engaging in the same kind of low conscious behavior as she was. 

It i possible to be in a relationship with somebody who is underdeveloped. If the time you spend with her is fun and enjoyable then so what if she isnt on board the personal development train, you are right? An as long as you are stable enough and grounded enough to not get derailed by your relationships... then you can still find value in keeping them. Its not like you are endeared to this woman. If you love her then you can be with her even if she is not on the same page as you, that is on you to sort out.

My advice is:

1.) Stop judging her, regardless of whether you stay with her or not. I know it is easier said than done.

2.) Determine for yourself if you can maintain your personal growth and discipline while in a relationship, if not... theres your answer.

3.) Determine for yourself if you can accept this person for who she is, if you can do that... then determine if there is value in keeping the relationship.

4.) Accept that most people, possibly including your girlfriend, will stay in the same emotional position for their adult life. You cant help somebody who does not want to help themselves. That is your bitter pill to swallow.

5.) Enjoy a relationship without expecting her to be as developed as you, you worked for your emotional development, she did not. So dont beat her up about it and definitely dont beat yourself up about it. Just enjoy your relationship while it lasts!.. Until it starts holding you back or until you find somebody better.