Feeling hurt that my girlfriend commented that my crying bothers her

[Harlen Kelly]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

This is why you have to be careful not to listen to women's advice on attraction. The advice they give you is their ideals and fantasies, not the cold hard reality which makes them wet. Regardless of their ideals, they want a man with a strong edge. That's what turns them on. But they will often gaslight you about this by telling you to be more sensitive.

Exactly, anybody with a fair amount of experience with women understands this. 

Edited October 13, 2021 by Harlen Kelly

[Jacob Morres]

10 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

Her reaction was malajusted. She has been acting out of trauma. She said it and pretty much everyone in here agree. 

So why are there so many here advising others to adapt themselves to problematic behaviors? One should either work around it, or find another partner.

I'd suggest these people to reconsider doing this in their own life and certainly not encourage others in this direction. Find more compatible romantic interests instead of resorting to inauthentic schemes to make an objective limitation work. You are pushing water uphill.

No mature woman except a man to be an übermensch. Leave this to Nietzsche. As a human vulnerability is part of your nature. 

nice

[zazen]

12 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

No mature woman except a man to be an übermensch. Leave this to Nietzsche. As a human vulnerability is part of your nature. 

It would be ideal to find mature partners, although it is lacking today. I guess people are commenting on a general rule for the general population. 

That vulnerability includes the woman's vulnerability to seek out a strong partner to be there for her emotionally in ways she may struggle to herself, and for the man, a woman can be there in a inspiring, encouraging fashion, not necessarily to carry all his burdens. 

[Etherial Cat]

4 minutes ago, zazen said:

That vulnerability includes the woman's vulnerability to seek out a strong partner to be there for her emotionally in ways she may struggle to herself, and for the man, a woman can be there in a inspiring, encouraging fashion, not necessarily to carry all his burdens. 

But you can't shelter her from this delusion. 

At some moment, reality will catch up.

Acting realistically, in a non-infantalizing way is the best card you can pull.  

9 minutes ago, zazen said:

It would be ideal to find mature partners, although it is lacking today. I guess people are commenting on a general rule for the general population. 

I'd still shift my focus in this direction regardless. Why put energy and time into a masquerade? The issue is structural. You'll always bump into the same limitations until you deal with different people.

23 minutes ago, Jacob Morres said:

nice

Thank you.  

[Lyubov]

11 hours ago, flyingwhalee said:

@Lyubov at least you were honest. I do sens a lot of clinginess from your side though. The simple fact you're so worried about the matter sells it out. To borrow kind of a new agy wording, maybe take some time alone and really connect with your masculine side. Whatever she thinks should absolutely not impact your well being, she's "only" your girlfriend. You might think that it's easy for an outsider to give such advice and that your case is a special one, but I've been through the same. And that will hugely play in your favor in your spiritual work, since you mentionned it.

The only thing that won't change in your experience is the unshakable truth of your being, and you can literally draw from it unlimited strenght of will (and love). Your girl can break up with you tomorrow if she wants. 

We have been spending a lot of time together so I have been focusing more now on recharging this masculine energy in myself. I'm going to start prioritizing this more. Thanks!  

11 hours ago, Nahm said:

@Lyubov

She has issues with her crying, and her judgement, not yours. But you kinda sorta (trust, closing up, validation) lookin to make it yours too. But I suggest it’s a bit paradoxical, and she’s talking about suppression but hasn’t realized it yet (she’s in the projecting phase). You’ll find the middle way more readily for having expressed & released, vs holding it in, and carrying the weight. 

Yeah I see what you are saying. I've found more balance within myself since this and have released a lot. I think I've learned a lot from this and will prioritize more having this self care and balance within me. 

5 hours ago, SgtPepper said:

@Lyubov

Your behavior sounds healthy to me. And I believe you are justified in feeling hurt.

How can a person trust their partner 100% if they cannot cry in front of them?

At the end of the day, just own yourself. I have cried in front of my partner before and she actually saw it as a sign of trust, and it brought us closer together. 

Yeah, I did own it and I think I expanded her mind and her views as well. She was really receptive and is now being very sweet and feminine after our talk. 

2 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

You can do crying but gotta maintain that masculine edge.

You have to balance tenderness with dominance. For example, you cry together, but then you tie her hands up and fuck her brains out like a dirty slut so she feels your dominant masculine energy.

The bottom line is: you gotta learn to carefully balance the intimate with the dominant/masculine. And you also gotta find a girl at your level who can appreciate this more mature form of masculinity.

I did just this actually after this event and the next morning  We had extremely passionate make up sex. I see how important that is. Overall I think I handled it well and I think she came back to it this way in our second conversation because she was still processing the experience and some of the fear she felt from it was still there. I'm going to start prioritizing more making sure she feels emotionally safe with me. 

33 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

Her reaction was malajusted. She has been acting out of trauma. She said it and pretty much everyone in here agree. 

So why are there so many here advising others to adapt themselves to problematic behaviors? One should either work around it, or find another partner.

I'd suggest these people to reconsider doing this in their own life and certainly not encourage others in this direction. Find more compatible romantic interests instead of resorting to inauthentic schemes to make an objective limitation work. You are pushing water uphill.

No mature woman except a man to be an übermensch. Leave this to Nietzsche. As a human vulnerability is part of your nature. 

I agree with you. I'm not going to try and "change" myself to fit her traumas but rather display and communicate what I know is healthy and a true masculine way of being emotional. I think I handled it well. I think it just needed more handling which I did a great job at as well. I think going forward I can prioritize making her feel more emotionally safe when emotional stuff like this happens between us. That's the one thing I think I could improve on so to speak. It's fine to be emotional and vulnerable but I can also still hold space at the same time for my masculine and make her feel more protected when we go through these situations.

[Raptorsin7]

1 hour ago, Etherial Cat said:

Her reaction was malajusted. She has been acting out of trauma. She said it and pretty much everyone in here agree. 

So why are there so many here advising others to adapt themselves to problematic behaviors? One should either work around it, or find another partner.

I'd suggest these people to reconsider doing this in their own life and certainly not encourage others in this direction. Find more compatible romantic interests instead of resorting to inauthentic schemes to make an objective limitation work. You are pushing water uphill.

No mature woman except a man to be an übermensch. Leave this to Nietzsche. As a human vulnerability is part of your nature. 

I think the issue most, if not all, people here will end up in a romantic situation with people who do not have the emotional mastery to fully process and understand this kind of scenario. This woman could be an otherwise wonderful woman, but if her evolutionary response is to be averse to signs to emotional weakness she can't help how she feels. 

How many people on earth have done the work to the point to where they have uprooted deeply held biological convictions and impulses?

[Thought Art]

3 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

 

Being too nice to women tends to backfire. This is the reality.

 

I've noticed this

[Leo Gura]

@Lyubov Maybe she's just being dumb. That's also possible. Not everything is your fault.

[Thought Art]

7 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

@Lyubov Maybe she's just being dumb. That's also possible. Not everything is your fault.

Just be yourself, come what may. 

People are complex, and have a lot of fantasy around who someone is, what a relationship is etc.. as that fantasy pops as it always will as we get to know the real person... People either growth together, or they go their own ways or the relationship dynamic changes whatever comes.

[Karmadhi]

@Leo Gura

7 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

part of the challenge of being intimate, vulnerable, and authentic with someone is that they might reject you precisely for being you. Vulnerability and authenticity does not guarantee attraction.

Have not you said in your "How to be a man part 2" that authenticiy is precisely what women are attracted to rather than steriotypical macho behavior. That is why you have feminine guys with girlfriends and people wonder how they got together, because the guy was authentic instead of playing a false macho facade.

 

[zazen]

1 hour ago, Karmadhi said:

@Leo Gura

Have not you said in your "How to be a man part 2" that authenticiy is precisely what women are attracted to rather than steriotypical macho behavior. That is why you have feminine guys with girlfriends and people wonder how they got together, because the guy was authentic instead of playing a false macho facade.

 

I think he means being real and genuinely yourself. If the real you is man of strength emotionally mentally etc then when you are yourself you exhibit that strength, and women can pick up on whether your faking it or not. The problem when guys are told be yourself, and them selves are their weak selves or awkward etc they can scare off women. Be your strongest self would be more accurate.  

 

A strong man can still have feminine traits that round him out, in fact only along side some feminine traits is he his strongest self. 

[Jacob Morres]

Everybody is weak and awkward to some degree and not acknowledging it and being okay with it can create a part of you that is neglected/disowned

@zazen

If you hide it, you're being inauthentic 

I think yall.are missing a pillar of what creates a meaningful relationship 

Edited October 13, 2021 by Jacob Morres

[zazen]

1 minute ago, Jacob Morres said:

Everybody is weak and awkward to some degree and not acknowledging it and being okay with it creates a part of you that is neglected/disowned

@zazen

Yes, part of strengthening yourself is accepting/integrating parts of yourself and not being internally fragmented, this in turn allows you to actually be more relaxed around people which is a show of emotional health/strength. Disowning parts of yourself will leave you weaker. 

[Jacob Morres]

@zazenidk I still think somethings off with this "be a man" stuff. It's too inauthentic for my taste 

[Spiral]

Sorry to hear that. 
 

I this is actually a common and tricky unintuitive issue that’s a bit outside what can be communicated on a forum.  
Listened to great podcast about I couple of weeks back featuring post-feminists. Unfortunately it’s in Swedish.

Edited October 13, 2021 by Spiral

[Tech36363]

@Lyubovhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cCVMnkVM9kc

watch the entire thing 

you dont have to believe what he says , go try on your own and see the results . Remember he just works there if you hate him for some reason lol 

Edited October 13, 2021 by Tech36363

[billiesimon]

On 12/10/2021 at 8:59 PM, somegirl said:

 

If she is unable to, and that obviously hurt you enough to make a thread, then you should think hard if this is even worth it. You don't want to be with a gf who secretly judges you for expressing yourself. You won't grow that way. It will always sabotage you unless you guys communicate.

 

The best advice.

I suppose from a woman, judging by the username

You need to ditch her and find a more progressive girl. You need to find someone who is not so closeminded and low in human development.

[Arcangelo]

Never cry in front of a woman.

[Lyubov]

11 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

@Lyubov Maybe she's just being dumb. That's also possible. Not everything is your fault.

well, I just had tonight with her probably the most passionate and amazing sex we have had to date so I would say maybe this was just a sort of strange thing for her to process and we are closer than ever now. but we talked about it and got through it even stronger. I've learned from this that it is possible to cry in front of a woman but you also have to sort of follow through with leadership, passion, strength, own the crying, make her feel safe when showing these expressions. Think of a noble man crying while giving a moving speech, controlled, honest and vulnerable vs an out of control child throwing a tantrum. Don't leave her hanging. Setting aside insecurities and just communicating how crying is natural in men given certain situations, etc. If she trusts you and cares about you she will be open to learning about male vulnerability and expanding her beliefs if handled with wisdom and leadership both strong and subtle. 

5 hours ago, Jacob Morres said:

If you hide it, you're being inauthentic 

I think yall.are missing a pillar of what creates a meaningful relationship 

I agree. some people are overly controlling of trying to seem attractive in hopes it will keep the passion alive when there is actually an abundance of it if one owns these parts. it's a very important threshold people have to pass through to really connect on a very deep level. and I'm not sure if this process ever ends if passion is to be kept alive. it's scary because in a way one could be rejected for being vulnerable so it's a risk, a much deeper version of approaching so to speak. you're just making yourself vulnerable but to the depth of an ocean of one's heart where as talking to a stranger at a club is basically nothing, it's surface level shit.

 

Edited October 13, 2021 by Lyubov

[Etherial Cat]

On 13.10.2021 at 0:07 PM, Raptorsin7 said:

I think the issue most, if not all, people here will end up in a romantic situation with people who do not have the emotional mastery to fully process and understand this kind of scenario. This woman could be an otherwise wonderful woman, but if her evolutionary response is to be averse to signs to emotional weakness she can't help how she feels. 

How many people on earth have done the work to the point to where they have uprooted deeply held biological convictions and impulses?

It's not a deeply held biological conviction/impulse problem. It is a conditioning problem.

She has not been able to sort out the unhealthy expression from the healthy expression because she imprinted on the first one through her environment. And that is what caused the aversion.

She is still going to get what she wants from a biological memory standpoint. Look at what Lyubov has written. He's protective, grounded and definitely show very healthy masculine traits. 

I'm speculating from Lyubov's name that they might be living in Russia. There is a lot of stage Red shadow going on there due to fact Russia is Red/Blue/Orange. Might be a reason why. A man showing emotions there might be highly disturbing and recorded as a good way to get culled.