Feeling hurt that my girlfriend commented that my crying bothers her

[Lyubov]

Basically we had a big explosion of emotions regarding our relationship this past weekend filled with hours of emotional stuff. She cried a bunch, I cried a bunch, and it culminated with us crying in each other’s arms and having very passionate and orgasms for days filled sex that night and then in the morning. We got through it and had a great Sunday together. The details of it aren’t so important but basically it was us realizing the barriers between us and that we might not be together much longer due to having different life paths even though we are deeply in love with each other.

Today we meet up again and I can tell she’s still processing what happened this weekend. We start talking about it and she said her image has changed of me some. She told me she didn’t want to offend me and that this was her issue to work through but she feels like a man should be strong and it’s unusual for them to cry and she sees me differently. I can’t help but feel hurt and now less trusting of her to show my emotions. I feel like hiding this stuff goes against spiritual work and being a truly honest, strong and brave man. I feel like I was vulnerable in a well handled way. It takes true strength and courage to cry and express your emotions in a healthy, honest and vulnerable way in which I did. It's not like I was being erratic or crying about my fucking ice cream melting. I feel almost stupid like I made some mistake or broke some messed up societal attraction rule: "boys don't cry." Now I'm worried I'm going to have to deal with the consequences of a potentially closed off partner that is less attracted to me because of how honest, painful and deep this night was between us.

This was really hard for me to hear. I don’t think the exact wording of what she said to me is the most important but you basically get the idea behind of what she said. She said it in a slightly judge mental and bothered way but also she could see how her views are harmful and not healthy, in conflict with reality ,but she still had her own justifications for them. Just feel hurt and wondering if anyone can relate to this experience. Makes me want to close down and not open up to her and trust her less.

Edited October 12, 2021 by Lyubov

[Tudo]

Interesting. Well, I remember when I had no experience with girls and I used to be pretty emotional. I used to notice that when that happened, the attraction level of the women I was with was lower too.  Most women don't like to admit it, but most of them have problems standing emotions in their men for a long period of time.

Edited October 12, 2021 by Tudo

[Harlen Kelly]

@Lyubov Most women think a man crying is pathetic (unless the reason why you're crying is justified in their eyes, a family member of yours just died for example). 

There is what women pretend they want in a man (to be overly vulnerable, sensitive, etc..) and then there is what women actually want in a man which is to be emotionally strong and grounded as your girlfriend clearly stated. 

If you don't like the fact that your girlfriend looks down on you because you were crying, you will have to communicate that to her you, but it should not surprise you that your gf wants to be emotionally strong, that's the case with most women (even though many of them are in denial about it, which is typical). 

Some women lose attraction immediately if a guy is overly sensitive, it is what it is. 

Edited October 12, 2021 by Harlen Kelly

[Lyubov]

8 minutes ago, Harlen Kelly said:

@Lyubov Most women think a man crying is pathetic (unless the reason why you're crying is justified in their eyes, a family member of yours just died for example). 

There is what women pretend they want in a man (to be vulnerable, sensitive, etc..) and then there is what women actually want in a man which is to be emotionally strong and grounded as your girlfriend clearly stated. 

If you don't like the fact that your girlfriend looks down on you because you were crying, you will have to communicate that to her you, but it should not surprise you that your gf wants to be emotionally strong, that's the case with most women (even though many of them are in denial about it, which is typical). 

Some women lose attraction immediately if a guy is overly sensitive, it is what it is. 

I feel fully justified for crying in this situation. It was a totally valid situation. She got emotional and started crying once cause tickets for a dj she wanted to see sold out. To me that is erratic. I'm not like that at all. Both partners crying about the potential end and limitations in a deeply passionate and loving relationship is very justified. I feel very grounded and strong in myself and in life. I don't see crying as a sign of weakness when it is in a justifiably emotional situation that I was in with her this night. I think she is still processing what happened but also she has a all sorts of unhealthy beliefs about masculinity. 

[Harlen Kelly]

3 minutes ago, Lyubov said:

I don't see crying as a sign of weakness

She perceives it as a sign of weakness when a man does it based on her reaction. 

4 minutes ago, Lyubov said:

she has a all sorts of unhealthy beliefs about masculinity. 

 Most women look down on men crying, which is a relatively unhealthy perspective to have but most women have that perspective.

[Username]

27 minutes ago, Harlen Kelly said:

She perceives it as a sign of weakness when a man does it based on her reaction. 

 Most women look down on men crying, which is a relatively unhealthy perspective to have but most women have that perspective.

1 hour ago, Lyubov said:

This was really hard for me to hear. I don’t think the exact wording of what she said to me is the most important but you basically get the idea behind of what she said. She said it in a slightly judge mental and bothered way but also she could see how her views are harmful and not healthy, in conflict with reality ,but she still had her own justifications for them. Just feel hurt and wondering if anyone can relate to this experience. Makes me want to close down and not open up to her and trust her less.

There is another layer. He reacted based on her reaction of him crying. It would be better to brush it off. I would suggest to treat it as an ego test (PUA's call it shit test)

[Tudo]

8 minutes ago, Username said:

There is another layer. He reacted based on her reaction of him crying. It would be better to brush it off. I would suggest to treat it as an ego test (PUA's call it shit test)

Yeah makes sense

[somegirl]

@Harlen Kelly OP asked specifically about his girlfriend and his specific situation (and his gf might be different than other girlfriends), not women in general, but you kind of just needed to generalize by default.

@Lyubov You have to talk to her about it. It's wrong of her to expect that you won't ever cry for the rest of your life. Guys cry in arguments sometimes and they cry when they care. It's freaking normal. She should be the person to allow you to express yourself in a authentic way. 

If she is unable to, and that obviously hurt you enough to make a thread, then you should think hard if this is even worth it. You don't want to be with a gf who secretly judges you for expressing yourself. You won't grow that way. It will always sabotage you unless you guys communicate.

 

[Etherial Cat]

@Lyubov

I'm sorry you had to go through this. Sometimes, a partner doesn't have an appropriate reaction and reveals an incompatibility in values.

Women can certainly imprint into a distorted image of what "a man should be" based on on their upringing/cultural context. Then, they expect from men a specific behavior and get offended at what is actually a healthy behavior. 

She has obviously awaken a wound. Knowing how much men are told to repress their emotions, I would feel the same sense of betrayal. It's a retraumatisation.

What I would suggest is to pay attention next time you start dating at whether or not this person encourages positive behaviors towards men and feel empathy towards your experience.

You certainly don't want to enter the phony attitude where you start hiding your subjective reality to your partner. If you go that route, you'll have to put a facade and entertain a low quality connection. 

[Lyubov]

1 hour ago, Harlen Kelly said:

She perceives it as a sign of weakness when a man does it based on her reaction. 

 Most women look down on men crying, which is a relatively unhealthy perspective to have but most women have that perspective.

I talked to her about it some and we are reaching a resolution. She opened a ton up about it after we talked some and said it's linked to her views formed from childhood about how her parents treated crying and the display of emotions. wrap in what society teaches about it as well. she's actually quite aware and willing to explore this stuff in conversation with me. we will work through this and learn from it. 

34 minutes ago, Username said:

There is another layer. He reacted based on her reaction of him crying. It would be better to brush it off. I would suggest to treat it as an ego test (PUA's call it shit test)

what I'm working through here is beyond anything a PUA can teach you or even what most PUAs can understand or have experienced in their dating lives. I've gone far beyond anything 99% of PUAs on YouTube are teaching or have experienced when it comes to women, attraction and relationships.

Edited October 12, 2021 by Lyubov

[Username]

2 minutes ago, Lyubov said:

what I'm working through here is beyond anything a PUA can teach you or even what most PUAs can understand or have experienced in their dating lives. I've gone far beyond anything 99% of PUAs on YouTube are teaching or have experienced when it comes to women, attraction and relationships.

It's not about PUA or following any rules. People (not only females) will tell things to test if you are genuine. Everyone does it, all the time. If you are getting triggered it means that you are there is falsehood inside.

If she really was sure that you aren't entitled to ever cry she wouldn't have to tell you. Probably she is conditioned that "males never cry". That's why she tested you. If you crying is genuine and thing to do, why would you be reactive? She wants to tear your ego apart.

[Lyubov]

36 minutes ago, somegirl said:

 

@Lyubov You have to talk to her about it. It's wrong of her to expect that you won't ever cry for the rest of your life. Guys cry in arguments sometimes and they cry when they care. It's freaking normal. She should be the person to allow you to express yourself in a authentic way. 

If she is unable to, and that obviously hurt you enough to make a thread, then you should think hard if this is even worth it. You don't want to be with a gf who secretly judges you for expressing yourself. You won't grow that way. It will always sabotage you unless you guys communicate.

 

thanks, we actually just had a really deep conversation about it and reached a new level in our relationship. she explained a lot of it and what beliefs and experiences she had behind it. she told me I've helped her a tremendous amount and when we talk we work through these things even though they are painful. I guess I made this thread cause I was wanting to vent some. I'm glad I'm finding some resolution with her

 

Edited October 12, 2021 by Lyubov

[Harlen Kelly]

14 minutes ago, Lyubov said:

it's linked to her views formed from childhood about how her parents treated crying and the display of emotions. wrap in what society teaches about it as well

It's mostly societal and cultural, however, she might feel less attracted to you and subsequently break up with you if you keep behaving overly sensitive towards her. 

Not to make a value judgement about her reaction to your crying, but she breaking up with you because she perceives you as weak is a real possibility. 

[Lyubov]

38 minutes ago, Username said:

It's not about PUA or following any rules. People (not only females) will tell things to test if you are genuine. Everyone does it, all the time. If you are getting triggered it means that you are there is falsehood inside.

If she really was sure that you aren't entitled to ever cry she wouldn't have to tell you. Probably she is conditioned that "males never cry". That's why she tested you. If you crying is genuine and thing to do, why would you be reactive? She wants to tear your ego apart.

I wasn't being reactive. you don't know the whole situation. I was venting here cause a forum like this is a good place to sort of "let it out." you mentioned PUA so it was just automatically a red flag. not a single thing any PUA I know besides maybe James Marshall or David Deida touches on anything I've dealt with here given the context, so I got dismissive of your post because of this. 

Edited October 12, 2021 by Lyubov

[Lyubov]

5 minutes ago, Harlen Kelly said:

It's mostly societal and cultural, however, she might feel less attracted to you and subsequently break up with you if you keep behaving overly sensitive towards her. 

Not to make a value judgement about her reaction to your crying, but she breaking up with you because she perceives you as weak is a real possibility. 

It's a real possibility my body could be crushed by a car tomorrow as well 

[Harlen Kelly]

2 minutes ago, Lyubov said:

It's a real possibility my body could be crushed by a car tomorrow

Some events have a significantly higher likelihood than others. 

[Lyubov]

44 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

@Lyubov

I'm sorry you had to go through this. Sometimes, a partner doesn't have an appropriate reaction and reveals an incompatibility in values.

Women can certainly imprint into a distorted image of what "a man should be" based on on their upringing/cultural context. Then, they expect from men a specific behavior and get offended at what is actually a healthy behavior. 

She has obviously awaken a wound. Knowing how much men are told to repress their emotions, I would feel the same sense of betrayal. It's a retraumatisation.

What I would suggest is to pay attention next time you start dating at whether or not this person encourages positive behaviors towards men and feel empathy towards your experience.

You certainly don't want to enter the phony attitude where you start hiding your subjective reality to your partner. If you go that route, you'll have to put a facade and entertain a low quality connection. 

Thanks! Very wise words. The thing about my girlfriend is that she is actually very inquisitive and working on growing herself. Our relationship is extremely healing for the both of us. I've touched her deeply and even though we have been through a ton I always find the words to and a way to be strong and lead us to another level. I would say my girlfriend is actually quite supportive and is learning how to support positive behaviors in men (I'm teaching her and she deeply trusts me). Just what happened this weekend was the most powerful experience we both have been through to date and in her words the most powerful release she has felt in years so she is still processing it and actually gave me an incredibly sweet comment about how I've helped her more through this relationship than anyone she's been with. We just got done talking about it and have found some great understanding between us so I look forward to what life throws at us next now and what new layer is uncovered 

Edited October 12, 2021 by Lyubov

[Random witch]

I'd say that she isn't a mature person.

Usually, immature people have issues with crying of others.

I see this a lot in red-blue-orange stage people in SD.

I understand it because society taught us that crying man is a weak man.

While actually the truth is that people who feel comfortable to cry are usually more mentally strong.

I don't care if a man cry in front of me, I'm a "crying baby" myself.

If a "strong" man feels comfortable enough to cry in front of me I see this as a victory of mine.

Life isn't complete without crying, this is a crucial part of human life.

This is so healthy to cry, I think that the main reason women live longer it's because they feel more comfortable to cry.

Crying can prevent so many diseases.

I'd say, keep crying, and move on, find a new GF, more mature and open than her she is.

I love when people question gender norms and act as they believe it should be, this is the change that we need in society, we are the change.

 

In fact, I question women norms, and through this questioning I reveal some hidden authentic parts in myself. This is so fun, scary and interesting, so satisfying to find new treasures in myself.

 

 

 

[Username]

4 minutes ago, Lyubov said:

I wasn't being reactive. you don't know the whole situation. I was venting here cause a forum like this is a good place to sort of "let it out." you mentioned PUA so it was just automatically a red flag. not a single thing any PUA I know besides maybe James Marshall or David Deida touches on anything I've dealt with here given the context, so I got dismissive of your post because of this. 

I'm not here to judge what you did (I wasn't there). She will test you if you are going in the right direction? Isn't it what David Deida wrote in his book?

There are a lot of universal truths in PUA if you do not treat it as a tool to get laid. (I'm not denying that PUA is disgusting). Ten years ago I used to read PUA forum and was struck that a shit test has much broader meaning.

I think there is another problem I also faced. You (me, everyone) want to establish intimacy as permanent object. The issue is that this is a subtle matter that slips through fingers. You can only have it NOW. It's same thing as trying to catch the God. You got it but a second later you lost it again. Sometimes it's frustrating

[Lyubov]

11 minutes ago, Username said:

I'm not here to judge what you did (I wasn't there). She will test you if you are going in the right direction? Isn't it what David Deida wrote in his book?

There are a lot of universal truths in PUA if you do not treat it as a tool to get laid. (I'm not denying that PUA is disgusting). Ten years ago I used to read PUA forum and was struck that a shit test has much broader meaning.

I think there is another problem I also faced. You (me, everyone) want to establish intimacy as permanent object. The issue is that this is a subtle matter that slips through fingers. You can only have it NOW. It's same thing as trying to catch the God. You got it but a second later you lost it again. Sometimes it's frustrating

I see your point more broadly now. I just got dismissive cause PUA is very reductionistic and basically everything most PUAs teach is super surface level, they have actually very little experience besides maybe getting a number or having sex with a girl after a date or two. God knows most of them can't keep a chick around after a few fucks to save their life cause they haven't gone deep enough. Most are far from being anywhere close to a true Casanova. I wouldn't really consider David Deida a PUA or even put him on their level. So I just got dismissive when this word was brought up but I see what you are broadly saying now. I think there may be some elements of a "shit test" (stupid term) in this situation, maybe, but either way if there was I passed it with flying colors after the conversation I just had with her

also good point on intimacy, I think relationships are largely about the separation and the oneness and the dance between being away from this intimacy, the barriers that arise, and then breaking through them to come back to it again, growing each time.

Edited October 12, 2021 by Lyubov