How do I manage my attraction to women?

[Andrew John]

I’ve not had sex in 3 years, I’ve not been in a serious relationship for 10 and not for want of trying. I’ve finally given up. This may sound like I’m feeling sorry for myself but I have to face facts and try to cope with life. That part of existence clearly isn’t for me.

Whenever I see an attractive girl I feel depressed. I feel a strong attraction but know it’s something that I cannot experience anymore. How do I manage this? I can feel my mental state worsening gradually. 
 

any insight is greatly appreciated. 

Edited October 11, 2021 by Andrew John

[Vlad_]

17 minutes ago, Andrew John said:

I’ve not had sex in 3 years, I’ve not been in a serious relationship for 10 and not for want of trying. I’ve finally given up. This may sound like I’m feeling sorry for myself but I have to face facts and try to cope with life. That part of existence clearly isn’t for me.

Whenever I see an attractive girl I feel depressed. I feel a strong attraction but know it’s something that I cannot experience anymore. How do I manage this? I can feel my mental state worsening gradually. 
 

any insight is greatly appreciated. 

Hi! May I ask you something? Do you masturbate on porn?

 

[Jenkins]

Check out dating coaches, there is plenty of content free as well. If you maintain good eye contact, tonality, you'll be chill, fun and don't be afraid to open, just by being around things will happen

[Andrew John]

32 minutes ago, Vlad_ said:

Hi! May I ask you something? Do you masturbate on porn?

 

I practice semen retention. I’ve not timed it but it’s been about 4 months since I last ejaculated. I think it’s really helped. I very rarely get erected or have detailed sexual thoughts but still feel a strong pull. 

 

32 minutes ago, Vlad_ said:

Hi! May I ask you something? Do you masturbate on porn?

 

Edited October 11, 2021 by Andrew John

[Etherial Cat]

@Andrew John

Why such hopelessness ?

Why are you giving up?

What makes you believe you can't get a woman?

What's been your social life like?

[Andrew John]

41 minutes ago, Jenkins said:

Check out dating coaches, there is plenty of content free as well. If you maintain good eye contact, tonality, you'll be chill, fun and don't be afraid to open, just by being around things will happen

Appreciate the advice but I can’t go back to trying to get dates again. 
I do appreciate the insight though. 

[Andrew John]

15 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

@Andrew John

Why such hopelessness ?

Why are you giving up?

What makes you believe you can't get a woman?

What's been your social life like?

It’s because of the amount of failures and humiliation I’ve endured. I need to promise myself I won’t try anymore. 
 

I don’t really have a social life, I’m 42, don’t have many friends and I don’t drink. 
 

[Etherial Cat]

29 minutes ago, Andrew John said:

It’s because of the amount of failures and humiliation I’ve endured. I need to promise myself I won’t try anymore. 

It seems like you need to build again some self-esteem and self-love and work on your relationship with yourself  .

I am also reading a lot of powerlessness there.

I'd suggest you'd start working on on all these 3 points.

I'm also suffering of a lot of powerlessness, so I understand how difficult this is, but that's exactly what you want to look into. For that, it's only you and yourself. No need to confront yourself to women.

29 minutes ago, Andrew John said:

I don’t really have a social life, I’m 42, don’t have many friends and I don’t drink. 

What are you doing with most of your time, then? Do you have any hobbies? Or is it mainly work?

Edited October 11, 2021 by Etherial Cat

[Andrew John]

3 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

It seems like you need to build again some self-esteem and self-love and work on your relationship with yourself  .

I am also reading a lot of powerlessness there.

I'd suggest you'd start working on on all these 3 points.

I'm also suffering of a lot of powerlessness, so I understand how difficult this is, but that's exactly what you want to look into. For that, it's only you and yourself. No need to confront yourself to women.

What are you doing with most of your time, then? Do you have any hobbies? Or is it mainly work?

I work, look after my dad who has early dementia, read. That’s it. To be honest, I think im pretty depressed. I go to bed early every night because I can’t find the will to do anything. I have suicidal thoughts more these days. I know I need to forget about women but it’s just more evidence of a pointless life

[Etherial Cat]

20 minutes ago, Andrew John said:

I work, look after my dad who has early dementia, read. That’s it. To be honest, I think im pretty depressed. I go to bed early every night because I can’t find the will to do anything. I have suicidal thoughts more these days. 

That sounds very though, Andrew. It would get a lot of people depressed.

I think you might be caught into a loop of negative emotions feeding negative thoughts. You should (really!) reach out to a a therapist to help you sustain new perspectives and try to meet friends.

Also, are you into meditation?

Your life is far from being pointless. Your perspective on things is very grim at the moment due to some rough time.

And why wouldn't you start a journal in the journal section to write about why you see as failure? I think you would benefit from this type of emotional release. No one will judge you. There are plenty of kind people who might even help you or give you some advice if you request to.

20 minutes ago, Andrew John said:

I know I need to forget about women but it’s just more evidence of a pointless life

No you don't. There is no reason to forget about women

It's just that due to the state you are in, you'd be probably better off focusing on yourself for now. You'll be totally able to get some women after. No issues. It's just prioritization.

Edited October 11, 2021 by Etherial Cat

[Human Mint]

Consider a seeing terapist, it may be really helpful. Just the action to walk to his/hers studio surely will be a chain effect for change.

12 minutes ago, Andrew John said:

I know I need to forget about women but it’s just more evidence of a pointless life

You don't need to forget about women, in fact probably you won't even if you try. You just need to focus in the self-relationship work, alone, plus an external output for you to practice in real time your self-love actitude. An external output like being in a social environment. New people, a refreshing environment, where you don't judge yourself.

52 minutes ago, Andrew John said:

It’s because of the amount of failures and humiliation I’ve endured

Forget about this and move on. I do know how difficult and blocking it can be, that's why you chose and actitude of self-love where you digest those things. And try again.

[Human Mint]

2 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

That sounds very though, Andrew. It would get a lot of people depressed.

I think you might be caught into a loop of negative emotions feeding negative thoughts. Perhaps you could get some provisory support until you manage to get mentally in a better place. You should also (really!) reach out to a a therapist to help you sustain new perspectives and try to meet friends.

Also, are you into meditation?

Your life is far from being pointless. Your perspective on things is very grim at the moment due to some rough time.

And why wouldn't you start a journal in the journal section to write about why you see as failure? I think you would benefit from this type of emotional release. No one will judge you.

No you don't. There is no reason to forget about women

It's just that due to the state you are in, you'd be probably better off focusing on yourself for now. You'll be totally able to get some women after. No issues. It's just prioritization.

 

[Etherial Cat]

@Human Mint  + <3

[Harlen Kelly]

@Andrew John Well Andrew I have good and bad news for you, getting women will not cure your depression long-term (I come from  a pick-up background and I have many friends who fell into that trap), it will only mask your current symptoms of depression for a short period of time. Having 30 minutes of daily pleasure with a chick cannot fundamentally solve your existential angst. 

That does not mean that you should forget about women, it means that getting women thinking it will solve your emotional issues is foolish. 

If you want to solve this problem for good you need to focus on consciousness, meditation and contemplation. This should be your priority number 1, number 2 and number 3, so that being emotionally self sufficient and joyful becomes your default state and your life situation (women, financial situation, etc...) would be the cherry on top.  

A very good introduction is the power of now by eckart tolle, implementing that in your life will dramatically (and I mean dramatically) improve your emotional state. 

Edited October 11, 2021 by Harlen Kelly

[Andrew John]

11 hours ago, Harlen Kelly said:

@Andrew John Well Andrew I have good and bad news for you, getting women will not cure your depression long-term (I come from  a pick-up background and I have many friends who fell into that trap), it will only mask your current symptoms of depression for a short period of time. Having 30 minutes of daily pleasure with a chick cannot fundamentally solve your existential angst. 

That does not mean that you should forget about women, it means that getting women thinking it will solve your emotional issues is foolish. 

If you want to solve this problem for good you need to focus on consciousness, meditation and contemplation. This should be your priority number 1, number 2 and number 3, so that being emotionally self sufficient and joyful becomes your default state and your life situation (women, financial situation, etc...) would be the cherry on top.  

A very good introduction is the power of now by eckart tolle, implementing that in your life will dramatically (and I mean dramatically) improve your emotional state. 

Thank you. 
 

I know you are correct. I’ve read the power of now many times as well as maybe a hundred similar books. I’m trying to be honest with myself and I think it boils down to me not wanting to get better, even if that were possible. I know deep down a relationship/sex is not the answer. But these failures just contribute to my lack of self worth.