Hard relationship with my father

[Focus]

I’m really sick and tired of this shit, I was born to a really narcissistic father his ego knows no limits, since I was a child he would give me the hardest criticisms and point out my deformity ( I was born with a cleft lip and a cleft palate ) and say I look like a frog, even I was really confident and comfortable with how I look he destroyed that completely, when I was younger I would write stories and poems he would criticize it and make me finish before I even begin

In the last year of high school (the year which would decide my whole future) he fucked it up very hard for me and ruined my emotional and mental health, criticizing me harshly, sadly I was young and dumb enough to ruminate about it and get into a downward spiral and I didn’t get a degree high enough to join the faculty of pharmacy (he is a pharmacist and he decided it already for me to be one because it would be easy in life for me since he already is a pharmacist and he owns a pharmacy) 

I had to travel abroad to another country to pursue that certificate, once I arrived there I felt all the tension, anxiety, and worries release and I tasted freedom after being locked psychology in the state of depression and sadness, he was like a strap in my throat and I felt like his slave the whole time

I really enjoyed my time there even though I was really lonely (didn’t find similar minded people) the weather was really cold and the town was dead, basically nothing was there to do, so I decided to waste some time in college to prolong my stay since it was better than the hell I was in

I’m not joking, he would really point out how I look even though no one cared and say people will laugh at how you look like when you grow older, etc

 

he then found out about my college situation and decided to pull me from college and go back home, I saw hell before I died these days

Then he forced me to go to work for him, as I had no other options, I saw how he controls and over powers his workers, then dominate them, I found out that the problem wasn’t me like he proposed, no it was him and his workers had no other option than submit to him

each day at work felt like absolute hell, I lost taste and smell, air feels really heavy when it enters my lungs and I can’t get that sweet smell of the air’s breeze anymore

He would literally humiliate me infront of workers without understanding thinking I did a mistake with a client and demanding me I fix it (once I called a client to tell them their order was ready for pickup but it was a different dose than what they ordered, The purchases manager bought the wrong dose and it all fell on my head) my dad would just keep shouting without listening to me to tell him it wasn’t my mistake, It’s my fault I never put a limit on his narcissistic ass because obeying parents is a part of obeying god and shit like that, fuck me. 
 

a couple of weeks ago he found out that the gas bill was paid by god knows who, he immediately thought that my mom was a cheater and she opened the door for the guy and paid it without my dad being there, even though my mom never opens the door for anyone when she’s alone (it might sound stupid to you but we are conservative muslim people and there is a big red line between men and women here) he didn’t get convinced and left the house 

 

I went to visit him and brought some fruits, I bought him a decent amount 

he then criticized me again and said “You only bring this amount of fruit to someone who is in jail” then he went yapping the same shit he been repeating for 15 years about how irresponsible I’m and I’m a stupid baby and shit like that, like man, I cared enough about your stupid ass that created a dramatic fake situation and broke my mom’s heart then left the house like a fucking dog

even though I’m not irresponsible and some genuine good friends have mentioned how good I’m and a lot of people really respect and appreciate me, but at work he has me ruined, I don’t feel myself when I go to work and even though I’m the one who really cares about the place, fix problems and comes up with good marketing ideas he would just debunk it and go ahead, what is this mental fuckery

at age of 12 he made me go to a therapist even though I had no problems, and the therapist pointed out it’s him who creates problems and it’s his mistakes, he still didn’t confess

one of his workers slept with 3 of our clients by saying he does massage (like lol?, he is a pharmacist not a masseur) and he didn’t fire him even though that worker is really incompetent, sits on his ass all days and cheesy most of the day (I’m not judging him, that’s everyone’s opinion) then my dad would go into rage mood and cut me 8 hours when I send an order to a wrong code (even though it was the client’s fault for giving me the wrong code and when I told him the name of the code holder he said yes that’s me when it wasn’t)

bro, I’m so done with this, I literally don’t do anything in my life except work and sleep right now, I indulged in some drinking and smoking to ease off the immeasurable pressure but this still aches me, I have stopped now

 

he just would yell and shout at me to break me without listening, even when I’m right, I have never done him anything horrible, never insulted, or shouted, or hit him even though he deserves that from me

 

like since I was born he would yell and shout and say that I don’t think like if he thinks when he is using the same speech for 15 years and it would always bring out catastrophic results

 

he doesn’t treat me normally no he treats me like a literal dog, and there are many incidents like the ones I mentioned but I would rather forget than list here

I’m stuck in this and don’t do what the fuck to do, it’s so fucking pathetic and I had enough dealing with such a life

I used to cry about this when I was younger but damn now I laugh but still it’s the same loop going over and over all the time again and again, like till when? 

he doesn’t talk to me like normal people he is just doing what he is doing and when I answer back giving valid logical understandable answers he would just shut me up and tell me enough with the excuses till my voice goes muffled, he is 64 now and I’m 25, he never taught me anything useful, most of my knowledge came from youtube videos, his advices are stupid and trash and he thinks he understands and knows everything even though he doesn’t and he thinks everyone likes him when they only lick his ass for money, how to get out of this fucked up life?

 I’m currently studying business and I don’t think I will be running his pharmacy when he passes, I would sell it and leave the whole country but till then how do I get this stupid cu** out of my head?

[Average Investor]

You might want to start building more space between both of you. It doesn't sound like you are quite able to just leave or get away from all of that. However, you are aware of the effect that it is having on you. I would work on minimizing all of the contact that you can with him. I realize that you are around him a lot, so when you don't have to be. 

This video should help:

https://youtu.be/ll2DXQrVMp4

This situation sounds like it is really hindering your ability to progress in life. I would really think about all of the various ways that you could work on getting out of this situation. It will likely require you to change your job and living situations. Don't limit yourself on the possibilities. What opportunities are in other places around you? Other countries even? 

Focus on the things that you want in life. Write out the things that you want to happen most for you and review them daily. Put your focus and attention there. 

[Focus]

39 minutes ago, Average Investor said:

You might want to start building more space between both of you. It doesn't sound like you are quite able to just leave or get away from all of that. However, you are aware of the effect that it is having on you. I would work on minimizing all of the contact that you can with him. I realize that you are around him a lot, so when you don't have to be. 

This video should help:

https://youtu.be/ll2DXQrVMp4

This situation sounds like it is really hindering your ability to progress in life. I would really think about all of the various ways that you could work on getting out of this situation. It will likely require you to change your job and living situations. Don't limit yourself on the possibilities. What opportunities are in other places around you? Other countries even? 

Focus on the things that you want in life. Write out the things that you want to happen most for you and review them daily. Put your focus and attention there. 

True, but I just can’t limit the interaction

on the day he left home it was so blissful, I felt really happy but that feeling dimmed away when I saw him at work bitching about the situation and saying he hasn’t lived a single happy day with my mom even though she carried the floor he walks on, they have been like this for over 10 years and they had the audacity to continue their failed toxic marriage, I had a sister who married someone who she didn’t even like just in order to escape this life, when I went abroad I failed on purpose just to extend my time outside away from him, and on each visit back home he would be doing the same bullshit, like man, don’t you get bored? He has another daughter from a previous failed marriage who he dismisses and acts like she’s not his (sigh) 

on our last visit to the therapist he was told to abstain from giving me orders, advices, and instructions and he was raging inside about it

I really want to leave the whole country but I have got to wait first and find something stable, won’t leave the bad to go to the worst, but I won’t also continue like this, I just need to stop him and his negativity, he doesn’t even spend time with me and when I was younger he would bitch cry about me not calling him father or dad when he never treated me like a son. 
the sad thing that I’m really a caring, and polite person I don’t go around harming people and yet I get this treatment. 

[Average Investor]

1 hour ago, Focus said:

I just need to stop him and his negativity,

 

2 hours ago, Focus said:

on our last visit to the therapist he was told to abstain from giving me orders, advices, and instructions and he was raging inside about it

It's unlikely that you are going to be able to do anything that will change him. It will mostly come down to how you react to it and what you do moving forward. 

I've spent a good deal of time around similar people that have even got physically violent with me. It's not that simple, but you can distance from them and heal. 

[Focus]

7 hours ago, Average Investor said:

 

It's unlikely that you are going to be able to do anything that will change him. It will mostly come down to how you react to it and what you do moving forward. 

I've spent a good deal of time around similar people that have even got physically violent with me. It's not that simple, but you can distance from them and heal. 

I began reacting by laughing, just last night instead of weeping like everytime I just laughed

[Average Investor]

@Focus Sounds more positive towards the situation.

How's your diet, exercise, and any mediation? These would help uplift your mood a lot if you haven't already addressed them. 

[Focus]

5 hours ago, Average Investor said:

@Focus Sounds more positive towards the situation.

How's your diet, exercise, and any mediation? These would help uplift your mood a lot if you haven't already addressed them. 

It’s good, I have been visiting a nutritionist lately and she prescribed me some medication, I have done some tests before and after and the results are great, I take L Theanine, Ashwaghanda, Mastic Gum, Magnesium, Some Minerals, Bi Complex and Vitamin D3 - my focus has increased and my energy levels are higher than before

[Average Investor]

@Focus That's excellent. This will really help improve your mood and your current situation. 

Are you taking the L Theanine frequently? From my research and experience you would want to leave a good bit of time in between use. I would recommend once a week, when you have a bad interaction or know you might be going into one. It is a lovely pair with deep meditations as well. One of my favorite nootropics. If you dose too frequently it will not be very noticeable. 

Was there a nutrition issue for what she prescribed? 

It sounded like you were also working with a counselor/therapist. As you go forward with that I would try not to involve anyone else. I had visited one, when I was younger with my mom and it really didn't get us any where. You might experience something different, but it sounds like you have got similar results. With the right therapist you can really work through some old traumas.  I would be wary of any medications they try to offer though. This can be a good start for you to work on built up issues effecting you in the background. 

This exercise is a real gem too. 

[Focus]

1 hour ago, Average Investor said:

@Focus That's excellent. This will really help improve your mood and your current situation. 

Are you taking the L Theanine frequently? From my research and experience you would want to leave a good bit of time in between use. I would recommend once a week, when you have a bad interaction or know you might be going into one. It is a lovely pair with deep meditations as well. One of my favorite nootropics. If you dose too frequently it will not be very noticeable. 

Was there a nutrition issue for what she prescribed? 

It sounded like you were also working with a counselor/therapist. As you go forward with that I would try not to involve anyone else. I had visited one, when I was younger with my mom and it really didn't get us any where. You might experience something different, but it sounds like you have got similar results. With the right therapist you can really work through some old traumas.  I would be wary of any medications they try to offer though. This can be a good start for you to work on built up issues effecting you in the background. 

This exercise is a real gem too. 

Thanks for the boost, man, I really appreciate your answers

I take L Thianine daily

No, there was no problem I just wanted to check

Psychedelics are much better than therapists imo ?‍♂️

[Average Investor]

56 minutes ago, Focus said:

Psychedelics are much better than therapists imo ?‍♂️

Good call, that has been my experience as well. Forgot to mention that. 

56 minutes ago, Focus said:

Thanks for the boost, man, I really appreciate your answers

Glad to help! 

57 minutes ago, Focus said:

I take L Thianine daily

I have good luck with just a bit higher dose one time per week. Might be worth a test. 

[Superfluo]

@Focus Make a serious commitment to heal your traumas and wounds. Start with this:

You can't even fathom how better you can feel if you start to heal. Be ready for an epic adventure.

[Breakingthewall]

Brother. Are you crazy? How is it possible that you continue working for your father? you will grieve until you die and in the next life. Cut out that situation completely right away, even if you end up starving. My father was also a narcissist and he did that so nice to mess with my physique since I was 10 years old, only that my father was a pianist and a beautiful, seductive boy, not a boss. At 19/20 I completely cut off my family, and once your personality begins to flourish, you realize the depth of the effect of that criticism. my father wanted next a dog without self-esteem that moved the tail when he wanted. This, from childhood, castrates you, and regaining your self-esteem is a very difficult task. don't make it harder for yourself by prolonging the situation. you don't really understand the depth of your dysfunction. When you get out of this, your impulse will be to beat your father to death, and then take your dick out and piss on his face. beware! you can end up full of hate. get out of there as soon as possible. Do therapy, be independent, cut any relationship with that man until you totally respect yourself

Edited October 13, 2021 by Breakingthewall