The Dark Night Of The Soul

[Stoica Doru]

I'm 18 years old and I've been blessed so to say with an incredible philosophycal construct since ever. Two years ago I've got depersonalization/derealization, in which the world around me seemed to be pointless and my sense of self totally gone, not feeling alive/human anymore. I went to two different psychiatrists, but the magical pill cure didn't worked, as I was unaware of nonduality at the time, being an atheist. I've been addicted to video games and pornography and I soon as I managed to erase them from my life, everything seem to be falling apart, due to ego death I assume. I basically found out that I'm going through a Kundalini experience (dark night of the soul) and it's a horrible necessary process, but it seems so hard to cope with it. All the existential crisis, OCD, pannic attacks and exhaustion are totally fucking up my life. I've been meditation and contemplating for some months now and I'll continue onward with the self inquiry work, hoping to see the light again. I wish that Leo could respond and encourage me, as he knows what I'm going through. My Intuition/God wants to change me, but it's hard as hell, man. Thank you for your time. 

[Leo Gura]

@Stoica Doru Sorry to hear of your plight.

Sounds like you're doing the right things now.

Two ideas that might help you:

1) Find a nondual teacher who is experienced with dark night of the soul. (Shinzen Young would be one).

2) If you're daring, perhaps try psychedelics. They do have the power to heal you. But if you're unstable, there are also risks. So you gotta use your own judgement there. I am merely speaking from my research. Mushrooms, LSD, 5-meo, DMT, and MDMA are all scientifically proven to heal if used properly.

Sounds like what you're missing is love. You're not aware that reality is LOVE! And that you are LOVE!

Psychedelics can show you that really fast.

The reason I mention psychedelics even though you are young, and I normally don't recommend it for youngsters, is because if you are really in a deep hole, and perhaps even feel suicidal due to lack of alternatives, then definitely give psychedelics a try.

[Toby]

What do you do besides meditation and so on in your life right now? Do you also do things that ground you like more ordinary things like work or school?

[Stoica Doru]

I've been having problems in love ever since I know myself. I'll try to attend myself through meditation. I'm currently staying home, as I must attend another time for the Police Academy, and I'm taking the additional classes once again. It'll pass, I'm sure. Any other tips you can give me, Leo? I'm currently cleaning my subconscious, so I'll take care of myself as best as I can. Have a good day! 

[Leo Gura]

@Stoica Doru Keep in mind that at your age, existential crises are normal. That is part of the emotional work of growing up.

Remember to love yourself and care for yourself. Don't push yourself too hard.

Sorry, I'm not an expert on treating dark night of the soul.

[Bebop]

@Stoica DoruI completely understand what you are going through and it's pure hell. The best advice I can give you is to find things you enjoy doing and just let yourself get lost in the moment, for me it was listening to music and reading books on spirituality. Don't be afraid to break down and cry, let yourself feel the emotions. Remember you aren't alone on this path, we are all in this together even though sometimes it feels like we are lost. This will pass eventually just hang in there man, remember what doesn't kill you makes you stronger

[Lamp]

Hi! 

Depersonalization is caused by disorganized attatchment to your parents and subtle emotional abuse. 

Depersonalization is a dissaciative disorder. The main thing is not that you dissociate from your emotions, rather your attatchment needs. Your dissociation did not came upon nothing. You probably started to dissociate way before you actually got the disorder. 

The thing you need to do is to become aware of HOW you dissociated early in your childhood and to be aware of your dysfunctional family system and how you attatched to your parent, which assembled your whole world view and sense of self.

@Stoica Doru

 

[sgn]

@Leo Gura Interesting to hear that it's all love. Which makes sense. Haven't REALLY experienced it  thou. Can you elaborate on this? I guess everything in the universe tries to adapt and work together. Or with itself.
When in the dark night it's so difficult to see it's love and beauty. There can be feelings of rejection of reality that leads to disgust to everything in it.
The monkey mind goes full power. And all the negative thoughts that gets added to reality just seems so true, and the positive ones so untrue. I even saved a folder with pictures of nature, happy children, cute animals etc to remind myself of the beauty in the world. But that didn't work so well either. lol
It's like you can be in a paradise even, but that won't make a difference.

I guess apart from meditation it also can be good to do other things, like being creative. Mental exercises that requires problem solving. Keeping the mind busy.
Doing something for others. So you find meaning when it feels like there is none.
Practicing gratitude. Working out. Heating healthy. Good sleep schedule.
Expressing feelings/thoughts to others and getting advice.

Accepting feelings and thoughts to be there without judging them, only to create more conflict. Not like: "I shouldn't feel this way" or "I shouldn't think this way.
But if you judge them. That's ok too. If you hate them, that's ok.
It's OK to feel like shit, to feel sad, to feel self-pity.
Pain, emotions, thoughts are not the enemy. They are not here to hurt you, but to help you.
They try to warn and protect you. But the mind gets confused and see threat where there is none.
Accepting that you think parts of reality should be different. That you wish it was some other way. That you not like everything in it. And don't try to force yourself to like it.
Reality is how it is. It is how it must be. Some things you can change. Most things not.
It's not bad. But thinking makes it seem so.
Give up the fight.
Reminding yourself of why you are doing this. Not only that it will benefit you in the end. But also that it will benefit the well being of others.

And lastly that the suffering will past.

[kurt]

@Stoica Doru Im the one who is aware of the dark night of the soul.  

Works every time, you cannot lose who you are, youre alway present.  Just keep identifying as awareness because the rest is just a drama in your mind.

[Arman]

I've been through what you're experiencing in my own way. Not with 100% the same symptoms, like I didn't have depersonalization, but it was a long and enduring span of physical, energetic and mental challenge. 

If it is kundalini related then I'd advise against psychedelics because they may cause further energetic unbalance. 

My advice is to think less about spirituality and simplify that path. Eg. humble devotion to god and faith. The rest of life? Start with breakfast... then move onto the next thing. Each day anew. 

I strongly advise that you take care of yourself physically by doing light exercising regularly, grounding yourself and eating clean. This will help with a lot of the symptoms

Taking walks when you can are really good. I would take barefoot walks because supposedly being barefoot against the earth energetically grounds you. I don't know if this is true, but I found that it helped me. One meditation practice is to stand against the earth with your feet about shoulder width apart, and imagine you have deep, thick roots that grow down, dooown into the earth. On the in breath, imagine and visualize grounding energy from the earth moving into your body and radiating throughout and into your limbs. On the exhale, imagine all the excess energy returning into the earth, now having balanced and re-energized you. Do this for a few minutes. 

I know it can be quite the nightmare. When you become physically exhausted, sleep. From my memory of the time, which to be frank is kind of foggy, probably because my brain was such a mess: all the spiritual aphorisms and advice fell on flat ears and it all felt empty and impotent. In these times, what I found much more useful was the solace of TV shows I liked, laughing, wrapping myself in blankets and reading, etc. Just whatever practical and basic things that are in your life that give you some kind of solace.

I also listened to LOTR on audiobook a lot, Man that series kind of saved my life. 

When there is physical exhaustion and fatigue, then sleep. Try not to fight it. 

It gets better. It really does. It feels as though you are such a mess and so fucked up that even if it's all "over", surely there is no way you'd actually be a balanced healthy individual, but you will be.

In fact, for what it's worth, you will actually eventually be more grounded, more energetic, more creative, more loving and more alive than most people living on the planet. Kundalini awakening is a badass firmware upgrade. 

Consider contacting Craig Holiday (search him on youtube.). I don't know if he requires payment for sessions, but I think shooting him an e-mail may be worth it. He specializes in rough kundalini awakenings. 

 

Edited December 17, 2016 by Arman

[Martin123]

@Stoica Doru I went theough this several months ago. Just know it is going to end, and after it ends your whole perception of reality will be renewed.

I tried many techniques to help myself to pull through. Self-love is crucial. Allow yourself to feel and to do anything that occurs.

Also Leo's self-love visualization helped a lot.

Osho's simple mantra 

"I am." (You are the "am" and not the "I")

And remember. This is one of the best things that's ever happened to you. It's a period of enormous growth!

good luck

[Stoica Doru]

3 hours ago, Martin123 said:

@Stoica Doru I went theough this several months ago. Just know it is going to end, and after it ends your whole perception of reality will be renewed.

I tried many techniques to help myself to pull through. Self-love is crucial. Allow yourself to feel and to do anything that occurs.

Also Leo's self-love visualization helped a lot.

Osho's simple mantra 

"I am." (You are the "am" and not the "I")

And remember. This is one of the best things that's ever happened to you. It's a period of enormous growth!

good luck

I'm thinking of deleting social media, as I feel ashamed of using it. I also want to hit the gym. So I guess I must serve my intuition, as I will suffer otherwise. What changes have been making during that time in your life? 

[Martin123]

@Stoica Doru Well... I moved to a different country to study, but that doesn't necessarily correlate.

Be careful. DO NOT DISCIPLINE YOURSELF HARSHLY!

 

You're changing your whole inner game here. Surface level changes are of little value. Live rather from day to day during this period, and do what you "feel like doing"

 

Feel loke excercising? Go

Feel like eating a bucket of ice-cream? Go

Feel like staying in bed and binge-watching Tv? Go

... u get the point.

 

edit: Dont let guilt motivate you. Dig deeper, let go of it, guilt is a ver unnecessary and dysfunctional form of self-punishement

Edited December 18, 2016 by Martin123

[George Paul]

On 12/17/2016 at 3:20 PM, Stoica Doru said:

I've been having problems in love ever since I know myself. I'll try to attend myself through meditation. I'm currently staying home, as I must attend another time for the Police Academy, and I'm taking the additional classes once again. It'll pass, I'm sure. Any other tips you can give me, Leo? I'm currently cleaning my subconscious, so I'll take care of myself as best as I can. Have a good day! 

Just a teenager depression. You are the age of my daughter, I know what I am talking about. Kundalini manifestation is not the same thing with Dark Night Of The Soul. You merely seem to have the last one, but as I said before, I really suspect you have a teenager personality crisis.

Baga-ti mintile in cap.

Edited December 18, 2016 by George Paul

[Stoica Doru]

36 minutes ago, George Paul said:

Just a teenager depression. You are the age of my daughter, I know what I am talking about. Kundalini manifestation is not the same thing with Dark Night Of The Soul. You merely seem to have the last one, but as I said before, I really suspect you have a teenager personality crisis.

Baga-ti mintile in cap.

Te salut și-ți mulțumesc! 

[Martin123]

@Stoica Doru Oh btw my dude I just remembered one more thing.
Find a nice therapist.
Ideally a trans-personal one who is famliar with the concept of the awakening, but don´t dwell on that point.
A decent therapist, if he or she is familiarized with your situation should be quite helpful, it helps to talk it all through, as well as having someone mirroring to you.

[Prabhaker]

@Stoica Doru

If you are physically fit try Osho's dynamic meditation !

http://www.oshodynamic.com/five-stages.html

If your meditation space prevents you from making a noise, you can do this silent alternative: Rather than throwing out the sounds, let the catharsis in the second stage take place entirely through bodily movements.

 

[John]

I was directed to this guys teachings when asking something similar.

He really hit home for me. Hope it helps man.

[Stoica Doru]

3 hours ago, John said:

I was directed to this guys teachings when asking something similar.

He really hit home for me. Hope it helps man.

This blew my mind, dude! A milion thanks! 

[John]

@Stoica Doru Awesome man that' so good to hear. You articulated yourself very well in your original post so it's comforting in a sense to see someone facing similar struggles to me. I hope we get through all of it..

Matt Kahns book, 'Whatever arises, Love that' is awesome as well. Requires open mindedness, but you seem to have that!