I feel dead inside with lack of clear purpose and motivation for life

[Fleetinglife]

Just to get a conversation here going since I feel tired and drained for some reason after venting out negative feelings and thoughts I have repressed during the day textually into my journal.

I will explain more in-depth after I rest from this and get the motivation to write again more in detail in the continuation of this post about the personal and life causes behind this state I am in nowhere so people I am kindly asking here for advice and help from can get the full context behind these feelings and thoughts that I had for a long time now - almost about more than a year.

But regardless of the specific personal life cause and circumstance behind this what can be some of the more general causes behind this for all people and how can they be addressed - since sometimes for some reason feel chronic tiredness and lack of motivation in addressing them. 

What can be the root cause of it? How can it be solved step-by-step? How can I feel grounded in life once more and not feel lost and alienated as I currently do towards existing and living? 

Thanks to all who have the time, patience, and energy for empathy and compassion they are willing to share and give to me by responding to this post, taking the time to write anything in it, giving advice for me in dealing with this now chronic state and of course setting the time to council freely this anonymous poster on a personal development forum - your compassion, kindness, energy, and love is much appreciated and thank you in advance for that!

I promise I will write more broadly and in-depth about the personal and life history causes that I see that are also behind this state when I get rested and motivated enough to explain in detail as much as I personally can in a few posts after a tiresome entry vent in my self-actualization journal. 

And also I don't want this to seem like some charity and begging for help with no introspective and self-improvement work on my part. There are a lot and enough people in the world who beg for charity and benevolence from others in life that I see while not actively planning to move a finger themselves to start getting out of the situation they found themselves in, sometimes by their own fault and doing.  I will also introspect, analyze and write out the root causes behind it and the possible solutions in detail here as well as a backdrop of this post.

That's all for me now, will write out more later when I recuperate and return the willpower and focus to write about more of this in detail - thanks to all again who have the time and energy and word of good advice and compassion to reply to this post in good or bad faith if they feel like it that it will help me more to return to my senses and get a grip on reality.

 

 

 

[NoSelfSelf]

I dont know ,could be million things going on, tiredness is coming from mind that is causing cortisol levels and depression(many other things) and that could be caused by alot of things...

[Fleetinglife]

5 hours ago, NoSelfSelf said:

I dont know ,could be million things going on, tiredness is coming from mind that is causing cortisol levels and depression(many other things) and that could be caused by alot of things...

Hey, thanks for responding and giving me brief overview info on what might be some of the physiological causes. I will explain in detail what might be the emotional and mental causes behind it based on my current life circumstances and history in detail as soon as possible once I finish some of the important commitments I have tomorrow regarding my college.

Till then thanks again for setting the time to respond and I'll be back on this forum soon.

 

[NoSelfSelf]

@Fleetinglife ?

[Fleetinglife]

I wrote out the reasons in long-winded self-loathing and incoherently written impromptu just to vent out, release the accumulated thought patterns and emotions that I have been having (or the feeling of lack there of) and finally write out somewhere what I have been feeling and thinking for a very long time now (almost more a year or so periodically while I don't  distract myself and sit alone with myself and my thoughts and emotions) after starting from describing the lucid dreams that I had a few nights ago in self-actualization journal:

 

or I can excerpt from that the most important part here relating to my introspection of why feel like I feel now about my current life and all that's happened and why I think about it negatively the way I do:

''The only way I can interpret this last dream is that I am idealizing that deep sense of longing and want I had of her when I was going together with her in the same high school and sometime after that when I  had another short failed hook up the attempt in faculty (that I also told directly once that she reminded in her pale skin pigmentation of the idealized first crush girl from high school) almost two years later in 2018 and afterward the fantasies and longings and wants of her resided a short time after that as well. Just goes to show how deeply did idealize her as being my missed opportunity future soulmate and the one meant for me, how much the deep longings and wants of her lasted, and how much I remained obsessed with her for some time, though mostly unconsciously it seems, that I projected and valued and got attracted to other girls appearances based on how much it resembled her own and her personality and how much the time I thought I was in love her lasted that I projected her onto other women and had memories and fantasies of her appearing to me during the day. An unhealthy obsession with mostly a figment of imagination, an idealized image of a woman I had a crush on in high school (who also I found out briefly indirectly from one of her gestures of touching my fingers on my hand and whispering my name so I can just barely hear it during a shared photo of the entire class in high school in the second year also I had a brief crush on me, but I was to much of an introvert and coward to act then at 16 or 17 fearing to be in relationship with her at that time since she was bullied and mocked by some classmates then and I didn't have really developed crush towards her then) and never had developed an actual friendship or meaningful interaction beyond my platonic love of her and projection of my own mind of her in short. It also shows how deeply lonely I feel now and how a lack of experience in any relationship or being in an intimate or partnership relationship with the opposite sex has impacted my psyche, I am 23 now with no experience of being in an actual relationship with any woman up until this point, that I am fantasizing in my dreams, maybe subconsciously, my idealized crush and then thought of missed soulmate in life from high school, that  I am having these dreams of her in my wish-fulfillment scenarios stalking me after this much time has passed since high school and also how much I have failed up until this point in my original intent and aspirations of graduating and becoming a certified sociologist in my basic studies term time or much more even the possibility of becoming a certified one at all now given my state and missed opportunities, studying procrastination, distractions by entertainment and porn weakening my discipline and mental willpower and fortitude to study long term, with patience and seriously with no distractions, excuses and procrastination and experiences in not taking and chickening out of some exams this summer and in the past semesters that piled up in these 5 years since my enrolling in faculty in the sociology study group in 2017. 

Experiences full of failed dreams and wishes that are now manifesting themselves as wish-fulfillment in my dreams as means for my psyche to cope with the living experiences of knowing them and having memories of them in the real-life where I am now experiencing a lot of suffering, mental pain and above all regret, daily life filled with the memory and knowledge of regret,  of not coming even close or lifting a finger realizing all of these aforementioned things above that was at the time and still in some sense very dear to my heart and felt a strong emotional drive towards and that I felt life put it there for me to realize them and actualize them for a reason but I failed on that promise and are now sitting there like dead dreams and wishes, unrealized now and unpotentialized, and me only retaining a memory of them what I hoped and how I felt at the time I thought they were doable, within reach and that I could achieve them as my life purpose goal when I felt a strong emotional drive towards them. And now because of my laziness and procrastination of some stuff during my daily life due to the felt mental and emotional resistance and finding intolerability of my current life existence and future prospects of it, with no strong drive or purpose towards anything apart from keeping and saving my conditions for receiving welfare from the family pension (based on my passed mother's accumulated work internship while she was still alive and working) from the state while I am a regular student till 26 from the Pensioner Security Fund so I don't have to search for a job and work full time while I am still a student and studying (I am aware current after a wasted year giving only two exams I cant use this as an excuse indefinitely to postpone having to work and find a full time paying wage slave job or any job for that matter). I am aware that not the way to live to hope on keeping receiving welfare while using part of the pension from my grandmother to cover some other expenses while I am living together with her and while she is still alive while even my father works for some unsteady and unfixed income teaching basic English and German at private foreign language school chain while using as only being a student as an excuse so I planned and thought to try to find a part-time job somewhere via maybe the Youth Employment Center to get some income of my own and to start to feel better about myself that I am not so depressed and mentally incapacitated in my overexaggerating mind due to the feelings of prolonged or chronic emotional and mental pain, suffering, sloth, and laziness that I can work and earn an income for myself on my own even as part-time job coupled with still studying and passing some leftover exams from previous years or year this winter semester.

Thanks also for anyone having the time and mental energy to sort through and respond to this incoherently wrote and all over place journal entry with word of advice, I wrote this mostly for myself to stop procrastinating and resisting mentally and emotionally with distractions, pleasure, and excuses putting these emotionally uncomfortable and painful thoughts that I have been chronically thinking about during some days into the text or at least a part of them that I have been avoiding or being too lazy to write out (even for a year in this case it accumulating) in text somewhere from myself to release them from me obsessing about them cathartically and to better understand them as well, leave a mark of them for others to know what's been mentally and emotionally plaguing me in my mind and most importantly to feel better about myself after forcing myself to write them all out, if not coherently or polished but just to feel that I got them off my chest somewhere where it is readable.''

When I read all this I felt like a had a personality dissociation disorder in the meantime in how I am feeling and thinking now versus how I felt and thought when I started almost faculty five years ago. Like the person that was and the feelings that were there and here aren't there anymore currently, like I am living a shell of my former self through this depression only similar and identical in appearance still.

Edited October 11, 2021 by Fleetinglife

[Fleetinglife]

I have a strong desire and need to oversleep after doing something even trivial during the day in a society like completing menial commitments like registering for the next year at faculty. After I return home and sleep for about 2 hours or so I feel completely drained physically and mentally and immediate depression kicks in. The problem is this seems easily solvable by resisting the urge to sleep but the urge is really strong at that moment since the sense of tiredness and the need to rest is profound.

Any advice on how to deal with this best would be appreciated. I didn't try too hard to maybe go sit down and meditate on my bed for half an hour or so because I would feel so tired that it would almost feel that I would almost tumble over out of tiredness on my bed and just lie down trying to fall asleep and the urge to lie down and just lie down and rest on my bed when I used to try to meditate the last time I tried this method was unbelievable that I would just give up halfway when I started but if somehow was able to last after that crisis point I would be able to plow through somehow and meditate past that point and actually feel more rested, at ease and good - so maybe I should just grit my teeth and try that method again and again after coming back from doing my chores and commitments in society or at home.

I should have probably had more faith and willpower in this method since most of the times I failed, then just gave up and wasted a lot of my time in my life just sleeping in during the day and that cost me also a lot of my ability for performance and achievement in faculty in terms of the time set aside to mentally focus and concentrate on studying since most of the time I would just give up on the whole day on studying because of that sleep need messing my schedule and the need to distract myself from the incoming depression and feeling of fatigue with some dopamine injection distraction and entertainment (I probably messed up a whole year or more on my faculty and lost who know how much potential studying time because of the inability and willpower to fix this bad habit during the day and would also procrastinate on my daily house chores because of it) and that really would then mess up me forming a disciplined studying routine and actually giving and passing enough exams in order for me not to be in this career problem with faculty that I am in now.

Thanks for reading and setting the time and energy to answer and respond.

Edited October 13, 2021 by Fleetinglife

[happyhappy]

hey,

all of us have problems bro. it is easy to lose ourselves in them.

i know your feeling of being useless and worthless and was super depressed with myself. didn't know what to do, who to become and what the fck was life about...i even dropped out at high school at a point but later got back on a other subjects..

what helps for me to accept the situation and work my way with the facts. also acknowledge  that you need to fail and lose sometimes. i can promise that years later, you will be grateful for all the shit that you went through for the strength given by them...

On 10/13/2021 at 10:24 PM, Fleetinglife said:

faculty in terms of the time set aside to mentally focus and concentrate on studying since most of the time I would just give up on the whole day on studying because of that sleep need messing my schedule and the need to distract myself from the incoming depression and feeling of fatigue with some dopamine injection distraction and entertainment (I probably messed up a whole year or more on my faculty and lost who know how much potential studying time because of the inability and willpower to fix this bad habit during the day and would also procrastinate on my daily house chores because of it) and that really would then mess up me forming a disciplined studying routine and actually giving and passing enough exams in order for me not to be in this career problem with faculty that I am in now.

 

[Fleetinglife]

On 10/21/2021 at 8:30 AM, happyhappy said:

hey,

all of us have problems bro. it is easy to lose ourselves in them.

i know your feeling of being useless and worthless and was super depressed with myself. didn't know what to do, who to become and what the fck was life about...i even dropped out at high school at a point but later got back on a other subjects..

what helps for me to accept the situation and work my way with the facts. also acknowledge  that you need to fail and lose sometimes. i can promise that years later, you will be grateful for all the shit that you went through for the strength given by them...

 

Hey man sorry for not responding and answering to your helpful advice I wasnt on this website because of tech related problems. I am back now and appreciate the words of encourgament and support for I have not of as of yet solved a lot of these problems and issues that I have with myeslf ! Thank you!