Writing out the Negative - Anger, Contempt, Disgust, Judgement, Depression, etc.

[Fleetinglife]

Why do I have judgment and feel contempt towards my traditional, mentally undeveloped, and uneducated fellow countrymen - I don't consider these people to be cognitively and emotionally developed enough to be considered citizens - they are a specific ethnic folk of sorts - all these also as well judgments by the way?

Why do I consider them barely human beings with reason and cognitive thinking skills as I know them and not some this ethnic folk species of animal of this region with the only aim to reproduce and maintain a life of more of their same ethnic genus - since it seems most of them are a lot obsessed by that as bigger group solidarity meaning and purpose to their lives rather than finding their own that fills their emptiness and void and makes them happy about them selves and the lives that they lived.

Why do I hate and despise their naivety, stupidity, and lack of thinking skills so much?

Is it because I see it as a present danger to my safety and wellbeing of living in this country and a fear of being ostracized by their own judgemental, uneducatedly narrow, and rigid point of view that I consider so delusional and detached from the reality of present things in the country and culture of this country, a kind of coping mechanism if you will for their despair filled lives that only rely on hope from others bestowed upon from someone they legitimize and give credence to being an authority of some sort on any issues they are clueless or ignorant about and don't even bother to put in the effort to research it on their own.

I don't consider them as fellow citizens, I consider them as subjects to the regime in this country - subject in terms of mental slavery to its ideology and economic slavery of terms of them barely surviving and getting by as wage slaves barely covering their living expenses and the costs of life - in other words, internally hopeless slaves that cling onto hope and charity from others and their rulers - I see it as a pathetic existence not worth living if you are mentally aware of this fact of your life and you do not repress it or ignore it or delude yourself into thinking from a non-reality based belief system in order to cope with this kind of existence and a fact of your life. They used to say here and coined the term in the old Yugoslav times - Better a grave than being a knave.

In fact, I know why I hate and despise them and why I can't stand their voice and sentence stringing and the utterly irrational and illogical way of thinking that goes behind it. It is that I consider them as being unworthy to be my authority on anything related to thinking and opinions in this country and to determine my fate of living in this country by voting for autocracy and authoritarianism and continuously drumming the nationalistic chauvinistic contempt and hate-filled prejudices drums of hate, ignorance, contempt, conflict, tensions and ultimately warmongering towards other peoples in the region that I see as a threat to my own safety and physical and mental wellbeing living in this country.

But that's not the worst of it. The worst of it is that they want ME to feel and think the same way on these issues as them - they act as ethnic gatekeepers for all their people.

Who is not loyal to these ideas, criticizes, condemns, and tries to distance himself from the current mafia state and its party holding by this self-proclaimed nationalistic and patriotic oligarchic cabal centered around their beloved autocrat and states of affairs in the country, and tries to rationally communicate and bridge a gap between himself and other peoples in this region is targeted, by the most vocal and chauvinistic of the hate vitriolists, who it seems crave deep inside them their own self-destruction

(Durkheim, paraphrase: Hate groups and those who seek and take pleasure from the destruction and humiliation of others are driven by impulses and desires for self-annihilation - out of their lack of self-acceptance and self-love from themselves. Hedges, paraphrase: They externalize and project the act of moral cleansing of themselves onto others through violence and war - the cover for their own vapid despair and emptiness inside them that they can't share with others out of fear of being called and mock as weak, denigrated as cowards and socially ostracized from their own uniform, conformist, totalitarian and homogeneously thinking group). 

obsessively search and hunt for others who they see as the fifth column, traitors and unpatriotic and un-ethnic enough elements in their own country who do not tow their uniform line in ideas, feelings, and acts in the online political spaces and in their mass media broadcasts and channels, they externalize these threats and manifest enemies among their own people and others people in order to obfuscate for themselves their own contempt and hate towards their own lives and their own selves for their unrealized dreams and potentials - the root cause of illiberal sentiments and proneness to totalitarian thinking and group homogeneity maintenance and retreating.

In fact, they hide their own insecurities and cowardice through the homogeneity of their group thought.

The mass media channels (that my grandma now watches) loyal to this autocratic and partocratic regime are complicit in this - turning the switch for their own uneducated and gullible, non-free thinking conformist viewers from vitriols spilling ethnic hatred, prejudices, stereotypes and contempt, conspiracy theorizing and aggrandizing the relevance of the role American politics has (depicting Trump as being anti-establishment versus the liberal establishment who were behind the bombing here and the advocacy for a part of our territories independence, as being more pro-us in the region, as if he knows anything about us or cares about anything but himself and his own political survival and maintenance of the fake populist image)

(one of the biggest offenses to me was here when the tabloid press here convinced my now passed former war veteran and Yugoslav air officer grandfather shortly before he passed away that Trump gave a shit about this country, region, and us, was pro-us and cared more about us with his dealings in this region - a big lie and grand conspiracy propagated by one of the ultranationalist and populist parties here to help the major one-party state that rules the country now here get support and votes from the rest of their own 'nationalist and patriotic demographic voting base'.

He died believing a lie that a tabloid press convinced him off and still propagates in this country as a conspiracy theory for explaining why Democrats and liberals in America are anti-us to this day to aid and justify and explain away this regime's support and bets for Trump being re-elected. What non-sensical mind poison selling and injecting and brainwashing opportunists and profiteers of public disinformation, lack of access to contrasting information, despair, hope, and ignorance of their readers and viewers- screw the bastards.)

taking into account the importance of this region and this country - inflating the fragile nationalist self-relevance ego of their own viewers from this tiny nation - with these grand geopolitical conspiracy theories - us vs them, and then switching it down soothing and acting as televised as non-credentialed counselors for their mind, health, and wellbeing with astrology and bioenergy non-credentialed con artists and pseudoscience advocates who run a small business and business coning desperate, uneducated and uninformed this way - and these media channels platform and advertise these con artists to siphon money and resources from desperate and stupid people and for them, I guess they get the share out of those profits for advertising for them - they also invite priests and self-appointed healers who perform and talk about the same shtick to their gullible watching and uneducated audience. They basically advertise for and platform con artists that prey on people's despair and stupidity with certain heavy life issues that they have.

I will not go quietly into the night following them blindly as I paraphrase Churchill.

Btw interesting quote by Hedges I think that relates to this on some level but in a different context but still relevant to the one I live in since it is also a product of economic and cultural globalization:

''Positive psychology is to the corporate state, what eugenics was to the Nazis" - Chris Hedges

I am done with my venting out and ranting, for now into text, I need to re-learn to think and write clearly my thoughts and ideas so people who decide to read this journal won't see it as incoherent gibberish of a person venting unconnected sentences and words with no logic and reasoning behind them and not conveying any deeper understanding of his feelings and the situation he finds himself in that he thinks also cause him to feel this way.

Its judgment and judging others I know but it is not without good reason and cause pertaining to my own individual wellbeing and survival - In fact, I think it would be self-destructive and suicidal for me not to since it directly pertains to and threatens my own survival, it is a form of sanity retaining and mental self-defense to the poisonous imposition of ideas and feelings by others as I see it and feel it.

I will write more in detail later about other causes of my other negative feelings and suicidal ideations from time to time - about the lack of meaning and purpose in life I feel and my resistance and fear to falling into this conformist, hopeless, mind-numbing, and brain-dead trap as I see it that people I mentioned above I see as living - stripped of their individual humanity and potential by returning back to these aforementioned sources of their misery with life and self-loathing and despair that they repress are not conscious enough of themselves how they relinquish their individual autonomy to media at hand doing the thinking for them.

Until then thanks also for anyone finding this interesting enough to read for themselves and thinking to themselves that they are not wasting time in having the patience and time in reading this, though I wrote it to unearth the cause of these thoughts, judgments, and feelings mostly for myself here as a journal.

Edited October 8, 2021 by Fleetinglife

[Fleetinglife]

I am having escapist lucid dreams more and more lately basically after a month or so, unfortunately, I didn't write them in the journal, but the latest ones that I remember I plan to do. They basically boil down to stuff happening that is a wish-fulfillment in my dream of the stuff I failed on, was too afraid, indecisive, impatient, weak, selfish, or cowardly to do in the past and recent present which I had a deep longing towards or dreamt of in real life of fulfilling in my future to sort of achieving which I failed on being a possibility anywhere soon or at all in my life. 

Though a recent example not having anything to do with wish-fulfillment from a couple of days ago (three days ago I think in fact) was a dream of being scanned for my fingerprints and blood flow to my fingers by a mini floating UFO of a flying disk shape with a red tractor beam (at least what It seemed like it was doing) and floating around my head while I was lying down in my bed where I sleep in this apartment somewhere at very early morning time with the sun barely coming out. I dreamt of myself basically being in a half-awake groggy state and barely being able to move or recognize it and being too tired or weak to do anything about it. Also in that dream earlier, I dreamt of being aware of family members entering my room while I am lying down sleeping in my bed also in the morning time and talking to something to me while I am too groggy or tired to respond or do anything about it but I only aware of them being there faintly through my senses and then suddenly during that same time in the morning (be it 5 or 6 AM) I have the desire to move and respond to them but just as I move in my dream in my bed I wake up I realize I am still in that bed but there is no one in the room and there is dead silence in the morning and I am lying there now awake trying to grasp and come to my senses was I just dreaming that what I just perceived happening in my room a moment ago in the early morning time while I was in the same position in my bed as half-asleep and being faintly aware of it all happening and trying to slowly come in to grasp and discern up until what point was I dreaming of being at bed sleeping in the early morning  and being aware of all that happening in the background in my room and at what point did I wake up in the same position that I was in during the dream in my bed it would appear roughly at the same time in the morning. This difficulty to discern what was the dream and what was me being awake in the morning came up roughly at the same time during the morning when I would wake up in shock and would later go back to sleep.

Note: I didn't watch or have read any UFO-related or alien stuff in a long time and was skeptical for a long time and during the supposed Pentagon release of footage and confirmation of the existence of UFOs about almost a year ago and considered them just to be cover of the flight of secret experimental US Airforce planes and technology since the sights would usually happen in America and few other places in the world as far I followed it when I was briefly interested in it a while ago as a teen. 

The wish-fulffilment lucid dreams were either a product of a wish being fulfilled or an unlikely scenario playing out of which I had deep longing towards happening and me realizing in the past especially during my time in high school and of being a product of my imaging of interacting with some people or being a real-life witness of their interactions happening that I know from watching online on YouTube for some time or that are known as online celebrities mostly in the English speaking domain of the Internet.

For example, I faintly remember of dreaming being in a cafe as a customer or something of a sort and watching the interaction in real-time of  Jordan Peterson and some other figure which seemed to resemble the online YouTuber Vaush from his ponytail appearance (though I have watched neither of them for a long time, almost a year on YouTube just saw their faces and pictures from time to time on Twitter or recommendations for their videos on YouTube), they then briefly went to finish their conversation on the second floor of that cafe and then suddenly I found myself on the street in some rural area that seemed like somewhere in my country Serbia and I felt lost there and started looking for directions to get back where my apartment is in Belgrade and started asking people around, I asked an old grandad (who In facial appearance resembled almost my own grandfather who passed a year ago now) he pointed me in the direction towards the station there and then I encountered Peterson and asked him for some reason as if he knows which bus line in this rural place looking place should I take that goes to Belgrade and for him to point to me on the map where does it drop me off in Belgrade where it is nearest and closest from my apartment and taking another city line from there and then right when he was showing to me where my bus line will end and on which station of that bus line should I exit in Belgrade I woke up.  Weird dream.

The wish-fulfillment lucid dream that I had today had to do with me being in an open place almost an ancient greek amphitheater of some sort in the woods all covered in vine and mostly overgrown by nature with familiar but facially indistinguishable faces sitting there ( it is as if I knew all the people sitting there intuitively from my encounters with them in real life but couldn't really see their faces or name exactly each of them who they have just had a familiarity of their presence) and then from the back of my eye noticed and caught a glimpse of a very familiar face in the backdrop of that overgrown natural amphitheater and other ancient building space that looked exactly like the face from the pictures of the 19th and 20th-century French sociologist Emile Durkheim that was walking away and I started running towards him and people sitting in the naturally overgrown amphitheater spaced asked me: ''Where are you going!? What are you running towards!?", and I replied to them laconically filled with pride in myself and joy (even though it is very likely now in my depressing and existential and purpose crisis because of this real life that I won't be able to graduate and become a certified sociologist at all, given how many exams I have leftover from previous years and how I am currently feeling mentally strong in my intellectual capabilities to do so from developing 'brain rot' and lack of willpower due to a chronic addiction to entertainment, procrastination, and porn on the Internet during the past year especially and before that vastly diminished my chances of accomplishing this in the remaining years left of my studying and receiving a family pension from the state while being a full-time student),: ''Well, I am a sociologist myself. It is my duty to get an autograph from a man and sociologist such as Durkheim who works I was exposed to in high school (especially on Suicide given my family history) got me interested and fascinated to want to study sociology in faculty and become a sociologist in the first place!''. Then in my dream, I consciously ran towards the figure that was walking back on the road behind the amphitheater surrounded by a crowd of adoring fans that I thought looked and resembled the famous sociologist and when I came up to that figure it turned out it was a woman wearing glasses surrounded by a crowd following here that resembled him slightly in facial appearance and appeared to be a female writer of some sort, I apologized to her for running up to her impromptu and kind of disappointedly gave up on my autograph. Then the next thing I know I was standing on large blocks of stone on the wall of some seemingly old fortress from medieval times that resembled slightly the Kalemegdan fortress in Belgrade and my highschool girl crush and then thought possible and potential future soulmate that was put there for me in life I then had a feeling of and thought of her as that (she in some facial aspects and personality-wise even resembled Leo (I can't post here picture here I feel like it would be a against her right to privacy on an unknown forum and privacy rule here in general), like a younger female version of Leo in Serbia, which I found later kinda weird since when I watched Leo on YouTube I would be slightly reminded of her because of the similarities of his and her facial appearance ), and I knew here and went with here in highschool up until 2017 even before I found Leo's channel and then after I left high school and was in faculty still had a deep crush on her for some time, and this was before I found Leo website and channel on YouTube back in 2017 and slightly later when I just started watching his videos on his channel back in the summer of 2017) I went together in high-school with appeared together with a guy friend of hers in high school who was also an almost all As an excellent student like her (she rolled in a different faculty than me in the University of Belgrade and I have also found out recently that she had graduated in law school recently and became a certified lawyer just in the basic studies graduation term for studying for for 4 yeasr) in high school also appeared and approached me and started talking to me. I had a conversation with her in my dream that felt as it was very intimate, like with a very close girl friend that I knew for some time (in contrast to very brief interactions I would have with her in highschool and my mostly platonic love for her during that time in my life), and then she suddenly out of the blue told me that I don't have to go or rush anywhere since we will be all staying here (including her best straight As highschool guy friend) and sleeping over together tonight (In some supposed tour house I guess for all of was to sleep in and stay the night from highschool) and then I suddenly very casually in her way directed a very very lascivious joke regarding opportunities and possibilities for me and her in that sleeping together arrangement (spontaneous horny dreams what out me forcing them what can I do...)  (that would probably have been too outrageous to say to her in real life given our degree of closeness and friendship then and especially now when I am out of touch with her for four years and have only seen her last time when I invited her to my grandfathers funereal last year) and then backtracked with another joke disputing the meaning of what i meant that made her and her best guy friend from highschool laugh in the dream. She then started walking on the edge of the wall of those stone blocks on the fortress as if playing with the height and chasm below with her best guy friend from high school and I followed them both expecting to interact with them more and the dream ends there and I woke up.

The only way I can interpret this last dream is that I am idealizing that deep sense of longing and want I had of her when I was going together with her in the same high school and sometime after that when I  had another short failed hook up the attempt in faculty (that I also told directly once that she reminded in her pale skin pigmentation of the idealized first crush girl from high school) almost two years later in 2018 and afterward the fantasies and longings and wants of her resided a short time after that as well. Just goes to show how deeply did idealize her as being my missed opportunity future soulmate and the one meant for me, how much the deep longings and wants of her lasted, and how much I remained obsessed with her for some time, though mostly unconsciously it seems, that I projected and valued and got attracted to other girls appearances based on how much it resembled her own and her personality and how much the time I thought I was in love her lasted that I projected her onto other women and had memories and fantasies of her appearing to me during the day. An unhealthy obsession with mostly a figment of imagination, an idealized image of a woman I had a crush on in high school (who also I found out briefly indirectly from one of her gestures of touching my fingers on my hand and whispering my name so I can just barely hear it during a shared photo of the entire class in high school in the second year also I had a brief crush on me, but I was to much of an introvert and coward to act then at 16 or 17 fearing to be in relationship with her at that time since she was bullied and mocked by some classmates then and I didn't have really developed crush towards her then) and never had developed an actual friendship or meaningful interaction beyond my platonic love of her and projection of my own mind of her in short. It also shows how deeply lonely I feel now and how a lack of experience in any relationship or being in an intimate or partnership relationship with the opposite sex has impacted my psyche, I am 23 now with no experience of being in an actual relationship with any woman up until this point, that I am fantasizing in my dreams, maybe subconsciously, my idealized crush and then thought of missed soulmate in life from high school, that  I am having these dreams of her in my wish-fulfillment scenarios stalking me after this much time has passed since high school and also how much I have failed up until this point in my original intent and aspirations of graduating and becoming a certified sociologist in my basic studies term time or much more even the possibility of becoming a certified one at all now given my state and missed opportunities, studying procrastination, distractions by entertainment and porn weakening my discipline and mental willpower and fortitude to study long term, with patience and seriously with no distractions, excuses and procrastination and experiences in not taking and chickening out of some exams this summer and in the past semesters that piled up in these 5 years since my enrolling in faculty in the sociology study group in 2017. 

Experiences full of failed dreams and wishes that are now manifesting themselves as wish-fulfillment in my dreams as means for my psyche to cope with the living experiences of knowing them and having memories of them in the real-life where I am now experiencing a lot of suffering, mental pain and above all regret, daily life filled with the memory and knowledge of regret,  of not coming even close or lifting a finger realizing all of these aforementioned things above that was at the time and still in some sense very dear to my heart and felt a strong emotional drive towards and that I felt life put it there for me to realize them and actualize them for a reason but I failed on that promise and are now sitting there like dead dreams and wishes, unrealized now and unpotentialized, and me only retaining a memory of them what I hoped and how I felt at the time I thought they were doable, within reach and that I could achieve them as my life purpose goal when I felt a strong emotional drive towards them. And now because of my laziness and procrastination of some stuff during my daily life due to the felt mental and emotional resistance and finding intolerability of my current life existence and future prospects of it, with no strong drive or purpose towards anything apart from keeping and saving my conditions for receiving welfare from the family pension (based on my passed mother's accumulated work internship while she was still alive and working) from the state while I am a regular student till 26 from the Pensioner Security Fund so I don't have to search for a job and work full time while I am still a student and studying (I am aware current after a wasted year giving only two exams I cant use this as an excuse indefinitely to postpone having to work and find a full time paying wage slave job or any job for that matter). I am aware that not the way to live to hope on keeping receiving welfare while using part of the pension from my grandmother to cover some other expenses while I am living together with her and while she is still alive while even my father works for some unsteady and unfixed income teaching basic English and German at private foreign language school chain while using as only being a student as an excuse so I planned and thought to try to find a part-time job somewhere via maybe the Youth Employment Center to get some income of my own and to start to feel better about myself that I am not so depressed and mentally incapacitated in my overexaggerating mind due to the feelings of prolonged or chronic emotional and mental pain, suffering, sloth, and laziness that I can work and earn an income for myself on my own even as part-time job coupled with still studying and passing some leftover exams from previous years or year this winter semester.

Thanks also for anyone having the time and mental energy to sort through and respond to this incoherently wrote and all over place journal entry with word of advice, I wrote this mostly for myself to stop procrastinating and resisting mentally and emotionally with distractions, pleasure, and excuses putting these emotionally uncomfortable and painful thoughts that I have been chronically thinking about during some days into the text or at least a part of them that I have been avoiding or being too lazy to write out (even for a year in this case it accumulating) in text somewhere from myself to release them from me obsessing about them cathartically and to better understand them as well, leave a mark of them for others to know what's been mentally and emotionally plaguing me in my mind and most importantly to feel better about myself after forcing myself to write them all out, if not coherently or polished but just to feel that I got them off my chest somewhere where it is readable.