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[Myioko]

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Edited October 7, 2021 by Myioko

[Myioko]

A journal to write about misc thoughts and feelings and life, in a mostly informal way

After taking a month long journaling break and somewhat of an overall internet break, I'm in the mood to get back into writing. I feel very out of touch with writing (and thinking as well uh yeah my brain is somewhat fried and tired), and feeling pretty internet-shy as well, so I'll just start off by posting my daily morning drawings I've been doing for the past 7 days. (for the inktober art challenge - thought I would do it once in my life) Its a very strange but fulfilling feeling drawing consistently everyday, something which I haven't done in yearrrrrs. 

[Myioko]

Each morning I've been setting aside an hour and a half to draw. This is the pretty much the only guilt free 'free time' I've allowed myself each day, along with petting my pet rabbits, and I hope to upgrade that lol because I desperately miss long walks and reading. I'll write more on time management upgrades later. 

On average it takes me around 30 min to do one quick drawing, but at times it can take another 30-to an hour to do additional editing, coloring, or re-do's of mess up drawings. So I try to schedule out an hour to an hour and a half each morning to draw before starting my day. At the longest as an outlier drawing it took me two hours to get a drawing to be acceptable enough, for whatever reason I struggled with the head juggling drawing in particular. I think this was because I was looking at a few different reference photos at once, while at the same time a little stressed out, as well as trying out a new pen, so it took a while for anything to work that day.

 

The sketchbook I've been using is this one, and I love it! I bought it for the second time, usually I don't stick with one type of book because I hadn't found ones that I really liked in the past, but this one I'm happy with for now, and I like the square format. The books aren't overly expensive either

 

 

The perspective, composition and shapes aren't good in this drawing but I do like how the front is in a lighter shade 

I bought a sword from the Halloween store that day and have been planning on redecorating and painting that sword, so they have been on my mind!    The prettiest medieval murder weapon

For this one it took me way too long to block in the darks

 

I had fun drawing this one haha, I love beards

This was a pain to draw. I don't really know how to draw feet/ankles 

Mindless nonsense doodles - with the face on the right, I didn't mean to make the face emo looking, my thought process was 'well there are eyes all around, so I should hide the eyes with hair' 

And todays drawings

Even though I told myself 'black and white only', I thought this looked off/strange being just black and white

(and now the arm and a few other things are bothering me)

(yeahhh I'm gonna re-draw this one)

I noticed that one of the ipad coloring layers unintentionally looked interesting too

Thoughts: 

-I really don't like/feel neutral about looking back at any drawings that I make that are more than a day or two old, it's like looking at my face in the mirror when it just looks awkward and something feels off. I guess that could be because after I draw something, soon it begins to feel less 'alive' or fresh in my mind, so when I look back at it I can see all of the flaws and how flat and expressionless it looks. I think I'm pretty harsh with myself in that way. But, I did enjoy drawing these in-the-moment, so that along with the practice of it is what the point is I think. It's ok to have fun drawing in the moment, try to learn something from it and then quickly move on and not look back at it.

-I don't know if my eyes like how solid black and white ink shapes look! I think soon I'll try out a few different styles, such as watercolor and thin ink lines, trying out different colors of ink and paint (such as more golden or red toned colors), grey and dark grey ink instead of solid black, and different textures of lines.

-I'm aware that most of these drawings are very central right now and I'm going to stick with that a few more days I think, but later on I'd like to add in composition and full on scenes!

-I know I draw a lot of girls/women so, I should challenge myself to draw super beautiful men and super old gnarly faced women. And beards!

-I'd like to learn these 3 things: 1. How to draw solid 3 dimensional shapes better 2. How to draw 'warmer' feeling drawings: drawings with more feeling/be more in tune with my own feelings, literally more warmer colors, more expression in line as well as facial expression/gesture. I feel like I lack coziness in my drawings too (but maybe the drawings reflect how I feel and I just need to warm my cold cold soul) 3. anatomy!!

Another thought on 'cold' drawings and ink: I think that ink/pen is a naturally colder, sharper feel compared to pencil. I haven't found my grounding on either one, stylistically, besides simple lines and shapes. I've used much more pens in the past 3 years, but for most of my life I used to draw only with a regular pencil, so it feels/used to feel more naturally to me. I think with drawing with only pen for a month, it will be really helpful for me in exploring different styles and types of pens, because I become bored or annoyed with certain things that aren't quite working. So I'm kind of forced to change ways of doing things that feel and look more right with me in a more honed down and focused way, because I know that I'll continuously drawing with pens/ink for the next few weeks and there's less backing out.

 

Also I'm gonna attach a song after each journal entry, unrelated to what I was writing about, just so that I remember what song I happened to be listening to that day

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytI9A0u88Bk

 

Edited October 8, 2021 by Myioko

[Myioko]

Bad poetry 

I guess I don't know what good poetry is either so I can't say what's bad

I'd like to find poetry to read, I just don't know where to find it and I don't know what I'd like, I have no cultivated eye/taste for it. I found the 'little poem book' in my closet the other day and it had a grand total of 1.5 poems in it, so I'll re-write and edit it here. I don't know which way to approach poetry: pretty words, sentences that sound nice and feel right, feelings I have, stories?? And what about sentence structure and rhythm? I don't even know.

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.

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Ivory Temple

 

The gulls cry over

Crumpled ivory temples,

Lightheaded in their trills

Delicately cutting through the tides.

Years pass by, as old as the mossy, knotty, slumbering

God of the sea.

 

The magic there is gone,

Pecked bone dry

By creatures wandering through

With beady eyes and hungry hands

They take everything they can carry.

 

Inside the temple lies a giant

Long since asleep,

Eons of slumber,

A stone man turned to a

Single moment.

 

Grey with weary, kept

Distantly warm by his heartened heart

He lies on his back

Watching the colorless sky 

And the tracing lines of the stars

Singing a hollowed song.

 

Edited October 8, 2021 by Myioko
Did I mean light headed or light hearted? xD

[Myioko]

Heat Exhaustion 

(A nonsense dream from a few nights ago where I fell from the sky onto a desert and was chased by lions and the wind)

 

An unwelcoming desert, world travelers may find, 

That its anxiety is brittle and it’s rivers run dry

Forever expansive and vastly alone 

Hearing the echoes and calls of others but touching no one

People were parallel in its walled up paralysis... 

Paralyzing, tantalizing, its paranoia was unanimous!

 

 

I stumbled upon this place in my dreams the other night as I fell through the sky.

Voices called behind me: ‘Use your parachute to fly!’

In my confusion I managed to unhook this violent flight,

Landing on an endless terrain in my sight

The loneliness that I felt caused me to crawl

To call, 

To a lone phone booth

Pressing my face against its glass walls

Taking comfort in its cool touch, its human made structure 

Listening to the cutting wind

1

2

3

Ring, ring, ring, the phone is dead, and my pockets are empty of all silver coins.

 

...

 

Exhaustion and fear leading to the plague-ridden strain of 

Decisions! Pressure! and metallic tasting blades.

All clambering its dusty disdain as I shivered and

Strained against the eerie and present notes of desperation

These notes,

they screeched and scratched

The fabric of my being

Like an unfit shirt rubbed raw against my throat

So....I began to grow exhausted

Like an animal caught in a trap, my energy ceased 

To even have the will to shiver

So I lay still

 

 

If I hold my breath and lay very

very

still..

 

Will that kill

The movements that target

Its preying on my will?

 

If I don’t move,

Then I won’t lose,

Shall I hold my breath 

And count count count count

1 sheep 2 sheep 4...

Heat exhaustion heaved its

Last breath and dizzy head

Out of my ribbed caged heart

Blurred with the summers pain

(Its angry teeth are persistent but blunt)

 

 

My greedy needs, it desires all the water in this world

To gulp down anything cool

To relieve my aching scratched voice

And tired eyes

I desperately crave to cease this endless run

And trace my fingers over something solid

And real.

To chase, I’m chased, 

A heavy race! Lions in the sky

And dried tears on my face,

I run into

A portion of this desert that grows

Oh I’m just trying to scrape against it’s unwelcoming repose 

Dream or night, awake or day, what's the time again you say, am I dreaming? Am I dreaming?

 

This desert, its distinguishing features are such elusive creatures.

Edited October 8, 2021 by Myioko

[Myioko]

Mind Exercise 

'If I were rich and famous'

If I were rich:

If I had 1 billion dollars,

-I'd put 5 million dollars into my bank for savings so that I would be set for life, and the left overs when I die would go to somewhere helpful, where, I don't know

-I would donate 85% of the money to help animals and global poverty problems (the two areas that are the largest scale daily areas of suffering imo) I'd set up a huge rabbit shelter or two, and do what I can to help factory farmed animals. I'd research poverty around the world and try to donate to and/or set up systems that helped give access to food, water and basic medication/education/resource stuff. I'd also choose a random city in America and do a lot of research on homelessness, and build pleasant atmosphered apartments (I'd study architecture as well and work with someone to make cheerful, pet-friendly, high quality living spaces that keep limited space without feeling claustrophobic in mind, because apartments succkkk and most apartments don't even have proper windows and lighting) and gives jobs to homeless people and to teens/women/young adults who are struggling, jobs that pay well and went towards good causes, and pay for their mental health therapy 

-I'd buy a small castle in Scotland and live by the sea and the mountains, learn how to garden and grow vegetables, and live with 2-5 pet rabbits and 2-5 pet rats and maybe a white cat named Herbie, because I'd love to name a cat Herbie. I'd live with a roommate/friend or two, because I do like company, but we would have to get along pleasantly and keep to our own space most of the time/not talk loudly 

-I would travel the world for an entire year, maybe two, mostly just plein air painting/drawing and studying architecture, but also learning about culture and history and interacting with people around the world and expanding my world view and perspective

-I'd buy a fancy old apartment in Edinburgh Scotland, one that was narrow in space but many stories high, and decorate the entire place to be completely magical themed, (maybe Harry Potter themed but probably not?) and rent it out to people

-I'd hire someone to build a secret tunnel that goes from the library to a magical hide out room, I'd hire another person to build a rooftop garden and patio area, with a star watching area

-Maybe I'd build some sort of 'aesthetic art therapy building', I don't have a clear idea what this theoretical building would be like, maybe it would be two separate buildings: An aesthetic mystery museum art building, and a sensory therapy building. But it would be a sort of asmr museum-like building where each room had a specific look and aesthetic to it and it would all cater to the human senses. There would be a music room with a collection of interesting insruments where people would be free to play whatever instruments they liked, there would be a garden, a cat room (basically another animal shelter with extra attention), there would be mystery and clues throughout the building, there would be parts of the building that aren't for exploring but for just sitting and reading/studying, maybe there would be sensory deprivation tanks (I've never tried one though), and a virtual reality room

-Maybe I'd build an 'art library', collect as many art related books as humanly possible. Near an art school somewhere in some city. Realistically I wouldn't, though, it would seem a waste of money that could be used for better things

-I'd spend most of my time locked away in my room/back yard drawing and reading anyways, doing what I normally do, I would probably just do 'other/extra' stuff on the weekends

 

If I were super famous:

-I'd probably have many mental break downs for not knowing how to handle attention and eyes on me, I would probably be freaked out by people recognizing me and be scared to go in public, especially at first

-I imagine I'd start to develop trust issues, if people I knew began to treat me differently after fame

-If I gained ultra-confidence level I would host parties in my Scotland castle home once a year, whether it be family and friends, or strangers. If I were famous for a specific creative reason, like for making a book or movie (sounds cringe but i mean, what else would i get famous for? I can't sing, i don't act. maybe I'd get famous for a really odd reason/coincidence...hmm) the parties would totally be themed in whatever fictional universe that I made up, and all the food would be fiction-world themed, the costumes would have a theme, everything would have a theme 

-I'd buy a realistic wig and glasses and wear a mask so that I could go out in public unrecognized 

-Again, if I were famous for writing books, I would walk into random bookstores and sign my own books, both for my ego's sake and to surprised whoever saw the book

-It's hard to think of more. The only 'plus' to being famous that comes to my mind, would be planning the once-a-year-elaborate-themed costume parties, that would be pretty thrilling

---

But even the costume party theme would become old after a while. Buying a castle house would be the most expensive/selfish thing I'd want to do for myself, because I would love to live somewhere gorgeous surrounded by beautiful nature. Maybe I would develop a money spending problem on buying 'beautiful' things such as decorations and furniture. 

Edited October 10, 2021 by Myioko
questionable imaginative spending habits. If I were ridiculously rich would i really buy a small castle and throw elaborate, materialistic costume parties?

[Myioko]

Mind exercise #2 (The less fun one)

'If I were poor and nobody knew me':

If I were poor:

If I were to become very very poor, I would imagine that my stress levels would be sky high, perhaps I'd be so stressed and fearful that I wouldn't be able to handle the majority of those feelings and I would be very traumatized. If I didn't have any of my basic necessities (shelter, food, medications, health) I would live an uncomfortable/dangerous existence. Since I've lived a very 'soft' existence and a pretty cozy life, if I were to suddenly find myself homeless or nearly homeless then I would not have good survival skills and I would be very vulnerable and forced to make drastic compromises, choices, and rash decisions to try stay up-float. Not having money for expensive medications and insulin would be particularly fearful and deadly. Or, if I had all of my basic necessities barely met and I wasn't homeless, but I was working 18 hours a day, I imagine that I would be extremely exhausted, mind dumb and not wanting to live/not liking my day to day life. I think I'd have money constantly on my mind, and be very stringent and worried about spending anything extra at all.  

If nobody knew me:

This is easier to imagine because in 2017/18 I moved and didn't want to talk to anyone, so even though I was still seeing/sometimes talking to people weekly on a very minimal basis, it still was as if nobody knew me. But if nobody knew me, no friends or family or even strangers in public at all and I was on some deserted island, my mind would slowly start to feel caved in itself, jumpy and fever-like mind symptoms, unless I spend a lot of time outdoors and moving, felt at ease within myself, and had animal-friends. If I were all of those 3 things, I think I could be happy, but I may still be more prone to stress levels rapidly coming in with nobody to talk too and falling into repeated/vacuumed thought loops in my head. At the worse end I would become very lonely, fearful, disoriented, depressed, and in danger of not being able to handle the world or have enough resources to care for myself.

Edited October 10, 2021 by Myioko
i’d guess that another hard part about living in extreme poverty for me would be the shame and reliance on asking help from others and feeling like I’m always im the wrong. The only plus side I can think of is being more empathetic/level headed in ways

[Myioko]

Last night I started to listen to 'The six pillars of self esteem' (in audio format) and something he said struck out to me and gave me clarity to something that I've been confused about. I've thought in the past 'I think have reasonably high self esteem, I feel like I'm no better or worse than anyone else and I hold myself to a certain 'worthy of love'/dignified state of mind.' But at the same time I've also had this growing sense of spotting all of my deficiencies, blind spots, my shyness and social anxiety, and a retrograde/breaking away in my overall confidence, in using my time wisely and having my life 'together', I felt like I've been slipping.

In the book, he clarifies that there are 2 types of self esteem that come in hand and hand and interrelate: Basic confidence in life's challenges (self efficacy) and a sense of being worth of happiness (self respect).

Notes:

With self efficacy, there is confidence in the functioning in one's own mind, to have confidence to think, learn, choose, make decisions, understanding facts of realities that fall within the sphere of interests and needs. It's self trust in feeling capable of producing a desired result, to achieve our goals, and correcting our errors.

Self respect is an affirmative right to live and be happy, to be confident in asserting wants and needs, it is a feeling of natural birthright. 

I payed closer attention to confidence #1 because thats clearly where I lack confidence at. So I'm looking forward to what the rest of the book says about these topics and hope that he gives out good advice and reasoning, so far I think the book is good. It's a relief to hear because I've never really distinguished the different aspects of what self esteem really is, other than the overall notion and reminder of 'I've just got to love myself more.' and, ‘It doesn’t matter what others think.’ It's like naming a lurking beast that I otherwise couldn't see clearly the form before, to bring it more form, because I never really connected 'trusting myself to make decisions and do things/meet goals' to self esteem before.

He also said, if I remember right, that many of the expressions and looks of having high self esteem was an overall embodiment of 'at ease-ness', spontaneity, and flow with life, instead of inward shields that try to hide away parts of yourself from others. 

 

 

Edited October 9, 2021 by Myioko

[Myioko]

Some things rest in my mind in avoidance for months and months and months. I tell myself I don’t have time for that thing, that I’m too busy, but really I’m just afraid to start some things. And yes I may be busy, but I’m always prioritise and choosing different things, whether consciously or not. And the longer that thing waits in my head, the more avoidant and stale it becomes. When I run out of things to avoid it with, I see that thing clearly and how uncomfortable my mind is with starting that think and I think uh oh fuck - no more excuses! I’m at the end of the chase. 

It’s so silly but I’ve been meaning to start on this art book project for months now, since July really, just something to draw for an hour each morning, and I just didn’t want to start it. At most I would do art studies and research around it, but nothing more. Yesterday it was the ‘perfect’ day in my mind to start it. So I drew alright drawings for half an hour then got distracted and then read a really nice book for another hour or two. (More often than not, any day is the perfect time to draw shitty drawings, it doesn’t really matter what day to start something. The stars will not align for me just because its my favorite date that day, or the weather, or I’m in a good mood.) Today was a chaotic mess, but when I sat down to attempt again to draw the first page...it wasn’t bad! Thats one hurtle down and I can move on to page 2. 

Another thing I’ve been avoiding is playing harp again - I don’t know why I’ve been avoiding it for 3/4ths the year, because I really used to love playing it. I’ve been playing a little piano here and there this year, mostly freestyle/messy notes. I have a keyboard that can connect to silent headphones, so I can play moody piano music without feeling self conscious about others hearing. (piano is the best moody/melancholy instrument in my opinion!) I feel like I can’t let the idea go of playing the harp again, even though its been so long since I’ve played that it shouldn’t  even be a part of my identity. Either start it or don’t and move on!

Edited October 11, 2021 by Myioko
It always takes me a massive amount of mental energy to start and finish things. But the amount of energy it can take to start things is sometimes, i dont know the word for it...that level of avoidance and waiting seems unnecessary for the future!

[Myioko]

The feeling of being ‘unstuck’: like walking out of a cramped space after days of being in it into a wide open space. Or even weirder, like there was some strange little demon monster with sharp teeth living within your stomach and suddenly you exorcized it!

[Myioko]

Memories/throw back photos on my phone

Reliably freaking my brain out every few months, I did not need to know that that one specific moment was exactly 4 years ago

I’ve gotten significantly better at getting over my Time Fear, much much less scared of it, I had a relieved laugh about it last month about how differently I perceived time previously and how I only feel a fraction of the weight of time now. But occasionally the fear will just hit me (thanks technology for the reminder of time).

 I used to sit for minutes and minutes staring at my reflection in 2016/17, having an existential crisis that my face would morph over the years, as well as my life. Who was I??? Not so much that I was afraid of physically looking older/ageing, more so of the reminder that time seemed to be slipping away, and I had no idea how I had gotten into this body that I had.

2016-2018 felt like eternity and I went out of that time feeling very very old. 2019 felt regular in the most irregular gruesome way, as if everything was flipped and scary and tragic. 2020 up until now felt like it didn’t happen. So seeing a ‘one year ago’ selfie of me (and I don’t take selfies very often) was jarring - my hair was different! Even my eye brows were different, they were trimmed and now theyre wild! My face looks different but I can’t pinpoint what! My room was different! Wtf happened to time?!

Seeing October 2016 and 2017 art and nature pictures was very anxiety inducing as well, because of all the memories associated with them.

Edited October 11, 2021 by Myioko
And I feel extra time-fear-confusion right now because my blood sugar is low and I feel lightheaded, which always adds on to my lack-of-feeling-physically real

[Myioko]

Scary Memory Mountain Photos 2016 

Who knew mountains could feel so depressing looking back on!

The very bright lamppost that kept me up each night

'A grumpy day of drawing' Oct 10th 2017

I had a tiny cramped desk in my bedroom that was probably less than 20 inches wide, with a tiny window, and my mind was so stuck in itself that I was completely screwed: Either I could not draw the glass and I'd feel miserable, or I could draw the glass and feel miserable. I still have the glass vases though, they're really nice blue-green colors. 

 

Edited October 11, 2021 by Myioko
I felt like I stared at those mountains until the seasons changed in a blur and that my whole life was school, sleep and staring at those mountains

[Myioko]

I'm going to hafta look after this dog for a week while my family is off to visit relatives during fall break. I plan on: Daily morning walks with her, playing tug with her, eating outside while she's playing, watching a movie at the end of the day with her or studying in the living room, and taking her to doggie day care twice while I'm at school. 

last month - the moon

pre-school aged me? I think.

I found this mirror at the thrift store a couple of months ago for a very good price and I'm very pleased with the find

Edited October 12, 2021 by Myioko

[Myioko]

Feeling absolutely exhausted, very hungry, but happy-relieved

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.

.

Also the color red is somehow my mood

Todays spotify song recommendations:

When I add/like new songs, its only a fraction of them that I still like to listen to many times later on. So with these songs, it's most likely that I'll get bored or annoyed of them after a few listens. But I never know.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ypuG18IjHcs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-oERBst8L0

 

Edited October 13, 2021 by Myioko
i can't sleep

[Myioko]

@modmyth

Thanks! 

My spotify 'likes' playlist is an absolute mess (is like a compost bin/song pile to figuring out what songs I actually like) but out of those I've been trying to make actual playlists. It just takes time haha. I've been meaning to take more of a listen of your 'music listening' journal.

And yeah I love the rabbit painting to! I wonder who painted it. I didn't see it until I walked into a random clothing store several years ago with a print of it hanging on the wall. When my older sister was in high school she painted a super fluffy chinchilla in watercolor in a similar style of that painting and hung it on her wall, and I had always liked it. I'm guessing she saw that same rabbit painting and was inspired by that. 

 

 

[Myioko]

So I never listened to Willow before up until now, but I recognized this song from the back of my mind that's been playing around, probably from tik tok. 

I like her voice (and her clothing style) in this video!

When I listened to her official recorded song, I didn't like it very much. I like how in the live version her voice is  clearer, (deeper too?) and less edited.

I'm normally not one to love low rise jeans on myself but for her they work particularly well. I really think low rise/high rise outfits just depend on the person on what works best for them and what suits their features. 

1920s fashion does it pretty well - but I'm sure it made it hard for most women to fit into the beauty standard of the time. 

 

Edited October 14, 2021 by Myioko
If I had listened to her songs on spotify first I would have thought 'eh skip' so I'm glad I saw this video first because I really do like the song here.

[Myioko]

The Last Unicorn:

I just re remembered that this was my favorite movie as a child when I was almost pre memory young. And I remember NOTHING about the movie. I remember going to blockbusters or whatever movie store it was, I remember looking at the name 'The Last Unicorn' on the VHS, and checking it out several times, and my family being like...not again. 

I watched a couple of clips of it on youtube before but nothing much struck my memory to the point of me questioning if there was a different movie called the Last Unicorn. I might watch it again but I hope it isn't awful because that would be embarrassing. I was kind of into Caillou when I was 5 and that's embarrassing enough to look back on, it was probably the one kids tv show that I look back on and think 'Yeah that wasn't a great show.'

This was also a painting I had hanging up on my wall when I was young. It seems to be a pretty famous for a unicorn painting because it isn't hard to look up on the internet. Well, a lot badly taken photos of it on the internet.

And the unicorn and horse stuffed animal collection. I mostly had rabbit stuffed animals but I loved unicorns and pandas as well.

My sister had a pink unicorn if I remember right and it was her's technically, but I think I stole it eventually? 

Eeeeee I had this exact same one! 

'Snowflake'  

[Myioko]

Weird little things my brain does

I've been keeping a note list of the little strange things my brain does in the past week on my iphone notes, just because. That along with finally writing down my 'deja vu' moments, in case that any of them happen to correlate really specifically and I have proof of it.

Here are some of the points

• Imagining that the microwave is going to suddenly explode in my face, if I'm standing near it and staring at it. 
• Make time stamps as 'forever' moments. Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn't. A couple of time stamps that have worked: I made a time stamp when I was 10 and getting pulled up a snowy large hill by this pully machine, in order to sled down in this bouncy air inflated sled things. I was thinking I could be anywhere in the world and at this moment I was here, getting randomly pulled up a mountain. Another time stamp: A little older and standing outside of my grandparents new house, early night, playing games with my siblings on the grass. I thought 'I'm going to remember this very specific moment just because and there isn't anything to stop that' and I did.
• Procrastinate by telling myself 'I'll do this when the clock hits this specific time', and when I look up its 3 minutes past that time and I'll think 'oops, gotta wait another 27 minutes then'. SO annoying and this may be pretty common with people I'd guess?
• I hold my breath when I walk past other hikers, when I'm breathing heavy/tired at all. Because I don't want to breathe loudly in front of a stranger
• I try to stay verrry still during sleepovers and I have a hard time sleeping because of that. I sometimes try to listen to music while falling asleep at sleepovers because of this.
• Get freaked out when things in my head manifest into reality but in a really sudden, random, odd way. Such as: Once I was jumping on the trampoline and I threw a basketball over the fence. When it landed I heard a gigantic BANG/CRASH and it scared me but then I realized..oh that wasn't the basketball at all, that was something else down the road! 
• Telling and vowing to myself that 'I'll forever be soo grateful and happy if only I could find 'x' (often times an apartment key) and finding it and then one day later being back to my ungrateful self, lol. 
• Dejavu - These long seemingly random words all stream into my head in a quick instant. The closest feeling to this is like getting a sudden smell blown in your face. But it comes with the 'dejavu' feeling. It's almost like a weird game of clue to, its like: In the car, with the sword, this random face, in this corridor with these lights! Along with a few abstract feelings or a song on top of that.
• When I'm stressed or overwhelmed and my brain can't stop thinking and its morning time and I don't want to get out of bed, I'll just be like...I'm going to hang my head upside down for a few seconds off the side of my bed. This feels weirdly calming. (I initially tried this out when my neck was hurting each morning to see if it would make my neck feel any better)
• Synesthesia and mixing colors with words: So sometimes I'll mix colors with music in my head and not be able to separate the two. But more strongly and commonly, I can't help but thing of letters and words along side with colors. Yesterday before a friend came over my house to watch My Hero Academia with me, I did a quick run through of all the characters names online, trying to learn them. One of the characters I have the hardest time remembering because his hair is bright red but his name screams out 'YELLOW' to me. (Kirishima) This is because it has both K and R at the beginning, and S after that. Those are all yellow or faintly golden yellow-orange colors to me. So I kept thinking Kirishima was the name for one of the blonde characters, multiple times. When I see the blond character I think 'not Kirishima.' instead of his name. (it's almost like a badly learned language where it doesn't translate right, like if I'm trying to learn Chinese and a random French word pops in my head instead of the Chinese one. Or more closely, like seeing a tile that is red but its name is Blue.) Having words mix with colors like that can help me remember things at times, and at other times it makes it much harder.
• Having my phone die on me actually scares me, I don't know why. But having that faint crackle sound before it pops off gives me the shivers, so if I see that my phone is about to die, I hurry and charge it, or hide it away from me. It also really jars me when my chargeable headphones die on me. This is more understandable because it will loudly tell me 'BATTERY OFF'. But that same voice will jarr be but not scare me in the same way when it says 'BATTERY LOW.', even though its pretty much the same the 'battery low' warning is a startling annoyance, and the 'battery off' is a warning that I avoid like the plague.
• This is super weird but sometimes if someone else is driving and I'm looking at the white road stripes dash by, my teeth tap alongside the movement, like a game of trying to get the timing right. I don't always do this, just sometimes.
• I perfectly, disastrously always time myself to be 3-5 minutes late for everything, even when in my head I think 'Ok, I will be on time!' or 'I will be 5 minutes early!' It turns out to always be 5 minutes late unless I have somewhere vitally important to go where being early is necessary. 
• Having an intrusive imaginative sensory thought of the feeling of my nails scratching over a car or anything with a bad texture like that, and then physically running my fingers together or against my shirt to try and un imagine that because of how uncomfortable that thought makes me feel. At least that I can combat, sometimes I will imagine the sound of screeching chalk or the feeling of a paper cut and there isnt much I can do about it. And by just writing this out and thinking of these sounds and sensations, it gave me an actual uncomfortable itchy tingly feeling on the right side of my neck, arm and shoulder, that lasted a couple of minutes.

Edited October 15, 2021 by Myioko

[Myioko]

The Last Unicorn (#2)

So when I looked up this movie I saw that it was amazon prime for free so I gave it a watch. 

It was made in 1982, and the animation style isn't the best but it isn't terrible either, it looks like it was on a budget film/the frames aren't smooth. And the style and symbols in it are kind of stereotypical 'fantasy medieval'. The beginning scenes of the films looked like they were trying to emanate the 'Sleeping Beauty' Disney background paintings.

The movie is about this unicorn who leaves her safe patch of the forest to go off and search for other unicorns, when learning that she may be the last unicorn, and then it goes off on a hero's adventure plot journey. There's a lot of music in between scenes which personally I think is nice because I like anything with excess filler space such as music or art if done right, but I can see how that can be boring as well to people. 

I was expecting to watch at and suddenly recall some scenes, but I hardly remember it at all. The only part that I faintly remember is when the harpy/magical bird is realized from it's cage and then swoops down to attack the unicorn.

Things get more emotional and dark by the end of the movie when the main character unicorn turns human, and she is grieving the change of her physical form and loss of her immortality and she slowly forgets who she is and is confused that she can't remember who she is, and spends as lot of her time staring into the sea. The staring-at-the-sea part is what captured adult interest me the most, whereas I guess that the pretty unicorn is what captured 4 year old me's interest, because I was pretty obsessed that age with the unicorns and centaurs in Fantasia. That part slightly reminds me of the movie 'Princess Kaguya' where she's immortal but comes down to Earth to experience being human and she goes through confusion and sadness near the end of the movie (and now I want to re-watch that movie because it's been a while since I've seen it!)

I'm a little bit surprised my parents let me watch that as a kid because of how censored the movies I watched as a kid was, I didn't know about or catch on to swear words until I was like 13. The movie didn't have 'pg 13' stuff in it because its a childrens movie, but at the same time it has a bit of nudity, a couple of swear words, and a horrifying tree that turns into a woman with huge breasts as is kind of smothering the magicians face as he is tied to the tree. (that was the weirdest part of the movie lol!) There's also a tiny bits of the movie that only teenagers or adults would understand, such as a few fancier words, and that part where the woman cries when she see's the unicorn and then becomes angry. (like the unicorn being a beacon of light/childlike purity, but never showing up for her when the woman grew older) 

So messed up

That is all. Overall I think its a pretty good childrens movie, even though its clumsy, weird or awkwardly made in parts of it, but it isn't something that would capture my interest to watch again, only 4 year old me was interesting in watching it.

Also the main character turned human had the prettiest hair and she looked oddly anime compared to the other characters.

('sad girl aesthetic')

Also my favorite unicorn paintings:

By Russian artists Andrej Dugin and Olga Dugina. Russian artists tend to have the most prettily detailed illustrations?

I've had a print of this for a few years and it's hanging above my bedframe

 

Edited October 16, 2021 by Myioko
yes i love animation gifs too much

[Myioko]

I took a picture of my wall, theres 2 unicorns on there actually, one on the bottom left and one on the bottom right 

With that being said I'm done mentioning the word unicorn haha.