•o~\O/~o•

[Myioko]

Ramblings: Music, sleep, and feelings

I woke up with this song playing in my head - I wondered, was it a dream song or a real song? Oh, a real song, I fell asleep again to music.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nXzZrhgItLo

In my dream right before I woke up, I was at work at a garden shop and all the colleague workers were called together for a meeting. 'Let us all join hands in a circle and talk about FEELINGS' What a strange workplace, I thought.

Before that, as I was falling asleep at 4 a.m, I was listening to these songs and I focused on the noises. Not unusually I was having a small identity crisis over nothing in particular that I could pin point. Where were my thoughts? What am I thinking about? What are these abstractions, feelings, impressions? -- Over planning? Do I feel nausea? I know I'm restless. I think I'm sad, and cold. Why hold on to any of these thoughts and try to capture them? - And I felt like a wandering lost mind.

I guess the closest that I can say is that sometimes I feel like the regular boxes and organizations of my mind loose their grip and I don't know where or what to be like, and I feel too spread out. As if the smallest gust of wind could blow me away.

I'm nothing, I'm no one. No clear thought, no clear action.

A thought-story I gave myself? Oh, an unfinished fiction story. Fleeting thoughts? Burn those (or let them pass by.) But what do I hold on to?

...I'm ANGRY at time though. I just want it to all merge together cohesively and to have my feet grounded in reality and routine.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v9lNKBnWC2Q

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1iZGrp8M3Oo

Yesterday evening I took a walk and I felt completely at peace though. Outside of my room and house, I no longer feel the distractions of the objects around me, and the air was perfectly cool.

And I was making my re rounds with this music album:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PoMy2oMg7VI&list=PLfiMjLyNWxeYiTmYmJt-3WSWgxv0j8zx6&index=8

Yesterdays nap-dream was incredibly strange too. It was the usual reoccurring dream of just being in a cult and trying to save my pet rabbits. I woke up from deep deep sleep, disoriented, wondering why someone was knocking on my door in the middle of the night - with my mom at my door: 'Elisabeth. Hellllo...wake up, you were going to go get that shot, remember?' Ah shit it wasn't night, it was 4 pm. I was sleeping in for a shot for solving sleepiness. I had fallen asleep on the floor while waiting for my phone to charge. It took all of my effort to wake up and say 'getting up', for a moment I was frozen.

I've just been so tired lately, and I looked at my blood test result the other day and saw that I was low on a few things, so that's what was going on. Maybe I'll feel an energy boost from the shot in a couple of days from it. When I walked in that place, I got an instant blast of 'Christmas smell' and remembered that it was December. 

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Late night, candle light

 

I saw this in the IWSMT website. Wouldn't it be cool to use this idea to draw fantasy structure buildings over ancient architecture?!? 

 

I dyed my hair after over two months. I liked the faded color as well as the newer color, so I like it either way.

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Yesterday I was listening to this song

And I've always, always wondered with this album cover....'Hey that looks SO much like that actor from this youtube tv show..!' (he's seen in later episodes)

But I could never tell if it was him or not!!  I would look at his face, then back at the album cover, and couldn't tell for sure...but then yesterday I looked up his name, zoomed in on a direct picture of his facial features.

In the show from what I can remember he was the only non-comedic/not asshole character

Yess...that IS him! It's got to be, those eyes are exact replicas. Mystery solved! Nowhere on the internet that I've seen had said that it was him.

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I'd like to find more art album cover replicas, these are the only ones I could find a few months ago

 

 

Now back to doing things, finalizing things before Christmas, walking to the post office, doing doing, moving forward, little time to waste. 

 

Edited December 21, 2021 by Myioko

[Myioko]

I watched a few of her videos the other month. She's TOUGH in this video  

Making your own pigments sounds interesting and fun to scavenge the materials for, but a lot of work. It looks good for abstract painting, I wonder how grainy they feel. They really are earthy toned colors.

 

 

Edited December 21, 2021 by Myioko

[Myioko]

Not my mood but a song pattern:

IDGAFF!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7R_KZukpDe0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EidaD0Kd7Q4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmH76zhcJSM

So I re loaded tiktok a few months ago and spend more time on it for a month or two because the algorithm finally knew what I liked and I instantly went from 'this is all boring and overwhelming' to 'this is funny/creative/really interesting stuff on here!', and now I can't take seriously that Willow song 'meet me at our spot' which I posted at the beginning of these journal. The repeated trends and songs in the app do sometimes drive me crazy and make me loose my interest in certain songs, and when I scrolled through videos, most of the time I would by default turn the sound off and read the subtitles instead. I really do like how creative a lot of the videos on there are and my opinion has completely changed about tiktok, for instance there's a lot of song and sound collabs from users all over the world, which layer on top of each other, and the best sounds trend and a collaborative thing emerges. (It's nice because it's all fun and play and little work in making a thing.) But at the same time I realize that I really don't need it in my life to enhance anything. So instead I delete the app, re download it every month os so and look through it, find things I like, then delete it again. If I'm on tiktok and my feeling of boredom doesn't kick in within half an hour, then that's a sign that I should delete it again before any feelings of addiction or lack of focus kicks in.

[Myioko]

Another internet-place that I've nearly forgotten about, that I might use a little more now that I've remembered again, is Tumblr. Do I understand tumblr yet? Definitely not! But I had a lot of fun looking through some past things that I've saved and liked, and now that I've gotten used to some of the format, it's a little more appealing to me. I just use it to follow and re-like a few people's and blogs posts, or sometimes look up a topic myself. For me right now I used it as a hodgepodge of all the internet-use places merged to one, and since it sits in the middle, I sometimes forget about it's existence. But I like how I can just scroll down the posts like a regular blog, that there's white empty space without adds. I also like how I can click into archives and see everything that I've saved in each month.

https://reyvens.tumblr.com/

[Myioko]

Fleeting thoughts of the day

Rainy grey day, slept in, piercing headache. Essential oil to help the pain go away. A dream of claustrophobic portals in space and the end of the world: claustrophobic leap of faith, then gone. Cold turn against brother, selfishness, forgiveness. Old childhood: Cold? Too many secrets. Too many thoughts, frozen. Drawing, going on, making chocolate oranges with mother, listening to Mannheim Steamroller Christmas music, new songs, new music, tired of the old. A short thank you note, relief it wasn't a complaint. Picking up the pieces of my life, starting again, nothing. Wandering, walking, more rain.

Underrated music find: Tom Furst

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y26WZJg7gCU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3NcEOMOftnA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9EO_gfldoU

and Sondre Lerche

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qg_vsqEn1M

 

Edited December 24, 2021 by Myioko

[Myioko]

Drawing by memory:

Last night at 11 pm I drove to my parents church with my sister, it was an orthodox church. My parents converted a few years ago after being lifelong mormons. It was...boring? It was late, some little kids were sleeping on the floor. For an hour I stared at the icons with the intention of remembering them and drawing it down once I got home, but it took me another 12 hours before I drew anything. When I was a kid each Sunday in sacrament I would either draw, or I would stare and stare at the wooden panels in front of me, in search for looking for pictures within the wood abstract patterns. 

I like to try and remember interesting strangers that I walk past by to draw later on, but I always forget.

There was also an adorable toddler who was napping on his mothers shoulder that I tried to remember to draw later. With him being someones baby and everything I didn't stare too long, but his features were awfully cute and he had snowy blonde hair and interesting eyes, these huge lips and a tiny nose. I wonder if anyone who has had/has babies would see this drawing and think: 'Yeah that looks nothing like a baby/toddler.', because I've never been around babies much. I know when I first drew my pet rabbit, I wasn't used to seeing her, so looking back on that drawing it just looks cartoony to me because my eyes hadn't memorized her looks yet. 

After an hour I became very tired and bored with it being past midnight, and I asked my younger sister if she wanted to leave and she said yeah lets go, and we got up to leave and she said 'wait I'm gonna tell dad we're leaving' and he told her not to leave and so she was like 'we can't leave, he'll be upset with me!', but I was like 'I'd really like to go, I'm tired, it's my fault not yours that we're leaving so don't feel bad.' I just get fed up with the repeated guilt trips he always told me, convincing me to stay no matter what I said. She feels too bad to talk plainly to our parents about what she thinks about religion, just like I used to be, only she's more self aware and less indoctrinated compared to me when I was her age. So that makes me frustrated. Like: They did that to her, they didn't make it feel safe for us to speak plainly what we ever thought or believed, as well intended as they were. Should I talk to my parents about that or not interfere? 

I was curious about the little speckled black creature blob in the bottom corner, I think it was getting speared in the throat but the picture was too far away to see clearly. It looked kind of cute.

 

Edited December 26, 2021 by Myioko
And now...I just notice that the kids hand is flipped backwards, thumb on the wrong side. oops. one time at a school outdoor chalk project I accidentally drew a man with 6 fingers

[Myioko]

I fell asleep for an hour or more, my throat being very sore, my eyes heavy and tired, the feeling of oncoming feverish symptoms. 

I sank into instant dreams and sounds, my first thought being: There it is again, I'm imagining all sounds being in the upper right corner of my head. If I could point a finger placeholder to where the sounds originate, it would be my upper right nose bridge right below my eye. (I just looked up in my past dream journals for that time I wrote about experiencing this - but I couldn't find it. If top right wasn't the case in what I wrote earlier, then I guess I've proved myself wrong and that's perfectly fine.) I saw a dark blue skinned woman with 6 arms, her hair a radiant woven braided magenta, her many eyes scattered across her face, an eye on each palm of the hand. Here, take an eye. There's plenty to share. She said. Then, I was back on the forum, I was writing a reply to @Loba s comment about synesthesia but I wrote an altered answer. What was it again? It was something about combined senses. It 'made sense' in the dream. Hmm. Then my dream formed into me going on a car ride in a vintage 60s car, and I was trying to change the song I was listening to. It was a beatles song, but imaginary. It wouldn't change. I felt it, how it used to be the song I listened to when I was young, and now I'm 24. 'You'll listen to this song 'x' amount of times before you die.' My dream told me. My dream visuals changed, standing around my family, grandparents and an imaginary dead grandmother, she was black and white like the moon (moon vibe dead grandmother, it made sense.) my parents talking about how happy they ended up being to send imaginary grandmother off to an elders home. My dream told me: 'Here is a graph of how much longer you have to live. Your life is a third of the way over.' I felt a sense of loss. Am I afraid of dying? Am I afraid of not living?

A question holds more answers than an answer holding more questions, I thought as I woke up. Maybe that's nonsense.

Edited December 26, 2021 by Myioko

[Myioko]

Stories, they're meaningless. Meaningless meaning-makers that generate momentum that might make you feel something! Mmmm.  They poke and prod at you to make you feel something. Connection!

[MuadDib]

4 hours ago, Myioko said:

I was curious about the little speckled black creature blob in the bottom corner, I think it was getting speared in the throat but the picture was too far away to see clearly. It looked kind of cute.

It might have been a depiction of St George slaying a dragon that demanded human sacrifice. He is venerated by orthodox christians. Apparently he rose to the occasion on the year a beautiful princess was selected to be the sacrifice. 

It reminds me of this scene from the movie 'Cloud Atlas'.

 

Edited December 26, 2021 by MuadDib
He probably felt sorry for the dragon and thought this would be a more humane way for it to die.

[Myioko]

This is basically becoming a music-memory journal? -- 

All throughout last night I wove in and out of consciousness in fevered, restless sleep. The fever went away later this morning.

 

So I spend all the time listening to music:

I clicked on this song based purely off of the album aesthetics. She looks like an electric vampire ghost.

I listened to 'Paradigmes' and 'Cool Colorado' on repeat, and half the night I listened to La Femme overall.

And I listened to this later in the morning when I really did need to wake up. It came out 8 years ago and in a year it really will match up to the name

I had never heard this David Bowie song before

 

I've only listened to a few Boards of Canada songs before, I listened to this a few times

When I was feeling hyper-but-exhausted, I internally danced to this song but I was outt of it

 

[Myioko]

Internet photo gathering, Fashion

I'll have to clean out and minimize my wardrobe soon before I run out of time to do that again. For Christmas I got a gift card for a thrift store. If I buy a couple more clothing items I'll have to think carefully what I want to get and reevaluate what I find pretty. I've been actually liking velvet lately, but I lost my velvet winter skirt last year  I like but don't wear much: Lace, puffy long or open wide sleeves, layered clothing, patterned loose semi-formal jackets (I only own a couple of sweaters), vaguely blue, red and green colors, and I still adore cloaks/capes.

I want to only get clothing used, from small online business, or learn how to make it myself. And only occasionally buy things that I love.  And selectively buy things that I love only, to the best of my ability. (And remember that less is more, I don't need more clothes.)

Patterned shirt? I don't own any, it's hard to find ones that I like.

Do I like velvet as a shirt..? Yes or no or yes? I'm tiptoeing in dangerous 'couch' looking materials here:

(looking at the jacket)

Or just, like, casually walking around in a star cloak (which I wouldn't do, not in this style.)

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90s style - I don't wear much brown anymore, now that my hair isn't brown.

Small embroidered details

Someday if I live somewhere colder I'll get brown boots, but it's a struggle to find something not-leather. I think I'm luke-warm feelinged about buying used leather items and they're sturdier anyways, but it's a hard no for new leather items for me.

I have a few long skirts and a medium lengthen checkered skirt, but not any sweaters in that texture/shape. I don't think beige is my color either anymore, but I like it on others. I usually end up wearing a long skirt or loose casual pants and a shirt of choice, I'm pretty lazy when it comes to putting together nice outfits realistically. So finding skirts/pants and shirts that go together simply and well together without effort is ideal. 

I say I don't wear brown, but I'd wear something like this

I've always found Indian fashion very beautiful, the vibrant colors are interesting to me as someone who shys away towards neutral toned colors. If I take bits and pieces of inspiration from other cultures, it would have to be that: Tiny bits and pieces like a color here, a pattern there, a shape or outline, and simply reading and being curious about the fashion history.

(red and green)

And then my most 'ultra-basic-almost-boring'  pants would be something like this, but I've gotten rid of my past black jeans since they didn't fit quite right.

I wear skirt-pants like this often though. Not in this color, but I'd like to get one in a similar color!

Suddenly remembering that time a painting TA walked into the room with these exact same styled pants (she looked and dressed as if she were a model each day) and I thought she was a student and I shyly said 'I like your pants!! - Thats my second favorite color.' Saying it was my 2nd fav color to her was probably unnecessary

Bare basics vintage style. I like cuffed jeans but I also like most of my calves to be covered

Skirt + tshirt but without the bulky shoes and hat

Don't know if I could pull that off

Style icon!

Edited December 27, 2021 by Myioko
I dress plainly by default. I guess that makes sense: 1. Dressing nicer requires effort and mood. 2. Dressing in a specific fashion is more artistic, and like tattoos, specific looks get tiresome after a few times, so I fall back to more basic looks.

[Myioko]

Winters walks

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Internet photo gathering, Misc

...Yum?

o-o  .-.   '-'

The ultimate flowery Slytherin room!

cat

Edited December 27, 2021 by Myioko

[Myioko]

 

[Myioko]

Etsy Window Shopping - Linen clothing

Here are some accumulated saved items I have liked on etsy from the past few months.

I really love this top, both color and the shape. (I love this color but I don't own much in dark forest green.) The only problem it would have with me is I don't have a flat chest like the model does

https://www.etsy.com/shop/amalkadesign

https://www.etsy.com/shop/LinenLifeStore

Simple wintery skirt - I would never get a red one because my mom's favorite church skirt is a red floral velvet skirt so I can't disconnect that thought 

https://www.etsy.com/shop/DucksnFoxes?section_id=33996542

https://www.etsy.com/shop/Linennaive

It has half a star missing from the reviews which is a bit iffy

Too dark/neutral color for my liking, but I like the shape

Note to self: NEVER BUY SKIRT/DRESSES WITHOUT POCKETS as pretty or tempting as some of them can be. I can't easily wear ones without them anyways because of my pump being always attached to me.

https://www.etsy.com/shop/linenlineshop

Shape not color

 

So I've bought a few things from this shop a few years ago and really like it, but now I'm thinking that some of the prices are suspiciously low. I have a couple of blue and brown skirt-pants from them, and a bright red jacket. I really like this rusty brown colored skirt.

https://www.etsy.com/shop/PrivateTailor?ref=simple-shop-header-name&listing_id=1094890099

https://www.etsy.com/shop/Thebesttailor

Spontaneous find: If I weren't vegan and if wool wasn't so scratchy I would be interested in this

Edited December 27, 2021 by Myioko

[Myioko]

Orange Appreciation Post/Apology Letter To Orange

I've always said orange was my least favorite color...I don't know what my least favorite color is now but I take it all back!! 

Sure, orange is most likely to look ugly in most shades, (and is the color I associate with 'insanity' whatever that may be,) but that is part of its elusive beauty in the same way that green is. I always said I loathed it, but nothing beats looking at a beautiful sunset or a gnarled, twisted hideous carrot that looks as if it were a mandrake with 7 too many limbs. I see now that blue is orange's best friend and it would be wrong to always keep the two apart, as cliche and tiresome as that is. I now tolerate orange and even admire it at times, there, I said it. ((i still prefer yellow/gold compared to orange though.))

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w8KQmps-Sog

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPE0Hq5yGsQ&list=PLeFVx0Nj3gr7HAzmjnmINu8Wj922AGOnr

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-Xl-KGr2Jk&list=PLeFVx0Nj3gr7HAzmjnmINu8Wj922AGOnr&index=12

Edited December 29, 2021 by Myioko

[Myioko]

11 hours ago, modmyth said:

These visuals were so fun and relaxing to scroll through!

I'm glad to hear!!

Do you feel like wearing skirts is just really not your style? Or impractical? I was borderline on and off feelinged about them for years, as with makeup. I was always wondering, do I just like it stylistically/visually, or did I actually like to wear it? 

And that's a really beautiful looking book, I looked up some of the images that are in it. I've been getting more interested in looking at illuminated manuscripts myself as of lately and looking at the different styles of it. Also for Christmas I received a fountain pen and I'm very excited to try it out, and want to use some of those pictures as inspiration:

For the picture the link that it sent to said it was 'Incipit to the Gospel of Matthew': That brings up a lot of photos but it takes a while to find that same one. I also found someones writing on it, I like how they sectioned out tiny parts of the painting to notice, especially the cats:

http://employees.oneonta.edu/farberas/arth/arth212/book_of_kells.html

 

[Myioko]

1 hour ago, modmyth said:

I think a huge thing is that I got tired of having so many of my skirts/ pants cinched at the waist. With the red maxi skirt I still have; I have to wear a belt with it.

Oh, finding skirts, pants, even dresses with the right waist is so difficult. Some just look awkwardly scrunched. I've never had much luck finding a belt that looks good or fits comfortably. 

1 hour ago, modmyth said:

Is that the pen you got? I know that some pens can get REALLY expensive (I guess it would be considered like a luxury product), but there are also some very excellent mid-range and cheaper pens.

Just from reading reviews out there, there does seem to be many cheaper ranged pens that work well out there. I did receive that pen specifically, I looked it up and all around it's priced as $37, which does seem to be on the somewhat expensive end but not extremely pricy comparing it to others. So hopefully it works well and lasts very long

There's a lot of beautiful wooden pens I've seen out there too on etsy

 Here are some cheap ones from amazon, and it has good reviews too

https://www.amazon.com/Handcrafted-Refillable-Converter-Signature-Calligraphy/dp/B07H2BY8YN/ref=asc_df_B07H2BY8YN/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=309894734098&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=16703077033314345603&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9029951&hvtargid=pla-583647873089&psc=1

1 hour ago, modmyth said:

I've had the opportunity to see at least a couple of well-known manuscripts in person in museums growing up (mostly in Germany/ France); pictures don't really do it justice. Especially where there is detailing with the gold leaf.

That sounds amazing! Yeah I bet, photos can't capture metallic colors or size and detail.

[Myioko]

Getting back into drawing. I'm testing out some new markers: They bleed through so I have to put a ripped out page buffer on either side, and then I'll draw over and change around with the other sided bled through shapes by drawing over them and cleaning them up..if it's a face, I can change the expression or look or costume of the face, or change the colors with more forgiving markers and pencil. All the drawing and writing is 'stream of consciousness' art-journal-occasional-dream journal, so any words written down on it aren't too well thought out or planned. The printed out pictures add room for scattered visual ideas and practice for fun. Because of this scattered-ness, I'm drawing and bouncing all over the first half of the book at once, with no particular direction, and drawings and writing are slowly stacking up on each other. Occasionally some drawings and writing ends up being personal so theres no way I'd ever casually let someone flip through this particular sketchbook, half of it is more just a regular journal with added drawings than a sketchbook. 

These last two are basically the same composition, I've noticed

The empty white spot can be left for writing 

This is what a half-finished page looks like, quickly laying down blocks of shapes

Edited December 30, 2021 by Myioko
and as an added note, I've started to make it a routine to draw an hour before bed each night, but only if I feel like it (I dont have the stomach currently to ever draw if I don't feel like it)

[Myioko]

(Warning for any readers out there who want to just read something lighthearted, I'm going to be talking on the topic of death for a little bit)

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The first interaction (I don't know what word to use?) and contemplation I had of death was when I was 15, when one of my school friends/acquaintance had died, she was only 16. She was in this school theater play that I was in as well, we had a few partnered up dancing scenes together and we would chat together off stage sometimes, but I didn't know her to well. But when she died...ohh boy was I heartbroken. (And I wonder if I'd have that sort of innocent level of heartbrokenness now, if someone I knew but not knew knew died.) She died a few days/a week before the final play performance so there was a real hecticness and loss/tragedy in the air, she was well liked and popular with everyone, so the mood was a very uniquely sad-bonding one. 

She went to these sand dunes, the same ones that I grew up going to many times to play with my siblings and we would draw things in the sand and dig holes. She dug a hole and suffocated in it though, I've read that it doesn't take much collapsed sand at all to be heavy enough to suffocate. What's awful thinking back on it though, is how a few people were like...'God is good, he wouldn't have let her suffer and must have taken her up to heaven right away.' and me half believing that. When I got the news that she died I was shocked for a while before crying, then a few hours later I went down to my dad to tell him, and my parents reactions were like: 'Whats going on?! Is your blood sugar low, why are you shaking?!' and the dinner table conversation was very silent, nobody knew what to say to me. 

Anyways, I avoided going to the sand dunes after that and declined going whenever asked, it was 10 years ago since I've been, so today I felt like going there to see if I would feel anything or at least get over my avoidance of going there. Y'know, the typical fun Sunday afternoon. And I felt...like I was just walking down regular paths of sand. It was a nice clear day, nice weather, pretty plants and rocks. I got a thorn in my foot as I walked barefoot which brought back memories but that was about it. Then after sitting there for a while I drove to another hiking spot, found a really picturesque spot of an iced puddle/pond reflecting the sky against all the red rock, (no pictures since my phone had died.) ...I guess had assumed I would feel something more? It was very anti-climatic. It's been too long I guess, I was more preoccupied with looking at the scenery and just enjoying regular hiking.

Edited January 3, 2022 by Myioko

[Myioko]

On 1/3/2022 at 0:15 AM, modmyth said:

I really wish I could try it first before I spent that much on pens that I didn't like! rOtring in general is just really expensive. It wouldn't have occurred to me to spend anywhere from 40-80+CAD on a mechanical pencil. Like to me, a pencil is just a pencil, but for the ----perfect pen----? Maybe.

It's too bad they can't be tested out before hand! And it seems that Blick Art is just a US company, which is where they seem to be sold at. That much for the perfect pen? Maybe if it lasted 10 years...

I should keep track how many pens I burn through and keep track with the prices...like, 8 USD for each pen adds up. I have a few re-fill pens though that have been working pretty nicely so far.