•o~\O/~o•

[Myioko]

In last nights dreams I saw some pretty WEIRD stuff, and I think this may have been because yesterday morning for a little while, I had been looking at strange monsters or costumes on the internet. 

This was the most disturbing one - my mind was repelled but at the same time curious by it. Since this was just pinterest, there was no information in it - is this an actual historical war outfit or is it contemporary art? (and how would they take it off?)

'Margaret Neiman wearing a mask drawn by Man Ray 1945'

Not that weird, just a lone cloud

Promachoteuthis sulcus, a deep sea squid, with human-like teeth

By Don Kenn

(noo rabbit no)

 

[Myioko]

Vegan Brownie Recipe

This was about my 9th attempt in my life to make vegan brownies, and most previous brownies were a disaster. But these ones didn't turn out bad and they weren't overly sweet, the closest thing they reminded me of were those cake-like brownies that I used to eat in buffets. Next time I'll make them I'll try baking them a few minutes less and adding in more chocolate chips.

 

1 cup + 2 tbsp milk of choice

1/2 cup + 3 tbsp oil

1 tbsp pure vanilla extract

1 cup flour

1 cup unsweetened cocoa powder

1/4 tsp + 1/8 tsp salt

1/2 tsp baking powder

1/2 cup brown sugar

1/3 cup white sugar

2 tbsp cornstarch

2/3 cup mini chocolate chips

 

Cook at 330F for 16-24 minutes

[Myioko]

A day about nothing 

Today was as lazy as a day could get. I could have done more, I had the will power and strength to do more, but all of my trying has added up and I just want to go away on a deserted island and stare at the sky and read 5 books. (I refuse to feel guilty about being lazy today...I try not to feel lazy. (future me edit: Was kinda guilty the next day tho))

Yesterday I didn't feel well and I made the unwise action of binge watching 3 hours of tiktoks last night before going to bed, and then another hour of half of a movie. (why me, why?) I don't understand those feelings/actions nor do I have the energy to figure that out at the moment - why do I simultaneously crave chaotic internet consumption + hours of silence/doing nothing away from the internet? 

On tiktok I started to see a bunch of Dune themed things. I'm worried that seeing that all will intrude in my thoughts as I'm reading the book or going to see the movie. Things like: Timothee Chalamet's face is shaped like a bike seat! Timothee Chalamet's facial expression in the movies looks like this sad intense puppy eyed stare the entire time! People who read Dune are pretentious af! 

I watched sections of Rocky Horror Picture Show on amazon prime, after seeing a tik tok interview of Tim Curry, where he was talking about how he did love his acting job but it got tiring after a while to dress up that way. (makes sense) From what I heard, he came up with his make up look himself. I remember watching it at a friends house several years ago during a lunch break (and skipping choir class?) and when I saw it, that scene I had watched previously in the movie 'Perks of Being a Wallflower' made SO much more sense. The movie is very rememberable/unique but I got tired of 2/3rds of the way through, it started to become claustrophobic-indoors-overly sexual feeling to me

My favorite scene of the movie is the 'Rocky! Janet! Brad! Rocky!' scene, it's just so hilarious 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oEl6564m97I

 

Anyways...as for today:

My mind felt especially fragile and worn today and too tired to think, and a lot of that simply had to do with having a headache paired with my roller coaster blood sugar numbers from the past few days. I woke up late feeling like a dying cockroach writhing on hot cement to put it dramatically  My headache caused me to bury my forehead in my pillow and feel nauseous and want to sink my thoughts into cool nothingness. (But I didn't actually feel terribly bad.) And when I tried to get up to do just simple house hold chores, I'd end up just not being able to act like a regular human, and I'd just lay on the ground and not want to do anythinggg. 

I did more nothingness later that day. I finally got in my car and drove around for a little, drove to the store to buy chocolate, paused to think of how unmindful I was being, then drove away. Then as I drove away I thought about how pretty it was outside and that it wasn't unmindful to buy chocolate if done correctly and really it was just about the level of guilt involved and that all that mattered was how I was feeling in the moment, and I drove back and bought ingredients for chocolate strawberries anyway. 

 

The best kind of nothingness happened later today around sunset time. I saw that the family dog was very bored, so I decided to take us a walk around the hills. It was absolutely gorgeous weather out and it was windy but not too windy, and very cloudy, and I decided to go off the path and go rock hunting and I found a rock that was the exact same colors as the sky was in that moment. And I wondered how old that rock was

I stared at that rock and the sky for another 10 minutes then walked some more. The clouds were dark and covered all of the sky except for the far end of the sun, where it began to look like the sky had split open and it made a pretty interesting light effect on the ground, where it was both dark and yellow looking out. 

And then after 10 or so minutes it suddenly became dark and the cool yellow tone light turned into an over wash of darker, flatter blue-purple light, which, looking at the more darker mountainy portion of sight made me feel oddly like I was in a Lord of the Rings film in the rockier parts of middle earth

(what animals do these clouds look like?)

After doing a great job of having nothing-thoughts, and my headache quickly diminishing as I walked, on my way down the lights from the town sprung up and I was soon walking in darkness and as usual I felt as if I felt more integrated in my own body and mind but in a very broad unbordered floaty way, because of how dark everything was. For a moment I thought I heard music playing (probably distant music from a house far away) and I imagined that when I turned the corner that there would be faerie lights I could follow that looked similar to the streetlamp lights I saw. Shouldnt more deserts have stories about fairy lights, not just old forests? - And I imagined the music louder, as if cellos were playing and bells and singing, and maybe there would be the slimmest chance that I would run into a weird random group of people singing and dancing in a circle in the middle of nowhere, and that would make my life a lot less boring. 

I got home and thought oh shit Halloween is this week and it hasn't been on my mind and I have a Halloween party to go to on Saturday. What should I wear? I searched my closet, then the storage room, and found a lot more in the storage room that I had expected, such as an actual hoop skirt and a pirate shirt and a few other stuff. A lot of costumes I recognized wearing throughout my childhood. To my disappointment I couldn't find my velvet long black skirt, which I had last year, which looked witchy enough. Instead I found a bright almost neon yellow crop top, a silvery colored wig (the only wig I have, which I ended up never using for a costume), and black starry sheer, so I might combine those along with searching for more clothing later on this week, to make some sort of starlight-faerie-witch, with a black feathered cape. My sketches of that idea turned out to be more bird like, almost knight like, maybe from the Zelda world (the bottom drawings of the page) but the top ones look more witch-like.

Playing dress up was surprisingly fun because I haven't done in several years. I don't think I've actually put together a Halloween costume since I was 16

After some thinking though, I decided if I can I'm going to dress up as Sally from nightmare before Christmas. I ended up doing a bad fast fashion thing and buying a red long cheap wig off of the internet so that may or may not come in time. I thought about dressing up as the bride from Corpse Bride (I think thats what the movie is called?) because my hair is the same colors as the bride in that movie, but my face shape is round and so it matches the character of Sally much better. I have a shirt that matches her outfit really well. Either way, doing the makeup for one of those characters would be fun.

Color references - the colors change dramatically in bright light vs shadowed light in the movie

edit: I don't think the wig will come in time  My plan #2 is the star faerie witch, I guess. If I have time to go shopping on Friday. 

 

Edited October 28, 2021 by Myioko

[Myioko]

A poem 

Titled: A poem!

 

I've been away

For so long

I guess I am now

A woman

Wandering 'round

Fingers cold

Of late heather grown

In the October storm

 

A mind once was dry and

Blistered

Now it sits in the wind and

Listens

A heart was black

And frozen cold

Now it is red 

With a vision thats bled

 

A rose thorn in disguise

 

Is this what it is? With the

Seas

Cutting promise

Coin blood moon,

Neither, nor

A dual project

 

 

 

-------

 

 

 

~picture searching/pictures I like today/expressions~

 

Edited October 28, 2021 by Myioko

[Myioko]

I've been in a bad mood and not been feeling well for the past few days (I should get my iron/b12 checked?) and just feeling unusually drained, besides yesterday evening when I painted outdoors for two hours which was very nice. My emotions and my willpower and my practical day-to-day functions haven't been working together, although I have managed to do well within classes this week, it's outside of class where I lose focus. 

Small things have been making me randomly tear up, such as: Watching Survivor with my family and a couple of people getting emotional (talking about her mothers death), and I'll get emotional as if I'm actually there with them. Or crying-laughing from sadness of resurfacing feelings of the past, randomly, just because. Or, the weather will be so beautiful that I'll almost cry...  ...My past self would have NEVER admitted to that because of sheer embarrassment. What always has come to my mind when I hear the words 'tear up' I think of that Harry Potter scene in the Goblet Of Fire book scene, where Rita Skeeter lies is the newspaper about Harry Potter, "His eyes filled with tears as the memory of his past swam before him", something along those lines. Harry was annoyed/embarrassed, and that was exactly how I felt as a teenager too when it came to emotion, whether falsely accused of it or not. And although I'm writing about emotions right now, it still isn't something that I voluntarily show in front of other people. 

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I had a dream last night that I was at a school for learning all about paradoxes, and there was an insane asylum room, and in the room I opened a strangers journal and I read through their progression and drawings escalating into 'insanity' (psychosis). Since the dreams are all made up in my head I wonder how that reflects in my own life, yiiikes. Even in my dream, I started wondering what the correlations between creativity and insanity were, because the mans (I imagined the journal to be a mans, but I didn't know) drawings took on more creative/interesting/chaotic looks by the end of his journal. His drawings also gravitated towards the right top corner for whatever reason. 

Right now I'm scrambling to put together an artist presentation for class, the deadline snuck up on me and I forgot about it. I'm trying to look up information on how the artist Tomas Barcelo makes his sculptures, because I've been loving looking at his sculptures for the past couple of months, it's hard to find any quick information on that so I've been stalking his instagram for the past 20 minutes. He sculpts in this white clay and I think he casts things in resin...? And on top of his paintings, does acrylic and even used some colored pencils. 

Reading this article about him

https://www.treehugger.com/thmb/W5oUMDztzdCuZlsNVYiDcMxGy58=/1250x0/filters:no_upscale():max_bytes(150000):strip_icc():format(webp)/retro-futuristic-sculptures-tomas-barcelo-4-28a77606de95428e8cf13c9b65d8a55b.jpg

"There was something in the Truth of ancient sculpture that allowed me a reprieve from the emptiness I felt in the classrooms. My fascination with hieratic sculpture has not ceased to grow. [..] For too long, I was focused only on the language of sculpture, and I forgot the content.”

"I believe that sculpture is the art of presence. When you look at a painting, you look at a window opening to another world; the sculpture comes to look at you. Sculpture shares space and time with the viewer, and that is what makes it so powerful.”

---

Some ipad art venting from an hour ago. I was looking at the different types of random weird textures there were. I used the turpentine and the flame brushes, I think

This was the first drawing that I did, because the image suddenly popped into my head and I wanted to draw it out before I forgot it. I rarely have time to draw out what flashes through my head, because it's frequent, as is my moment to moment thoughts. The rest of the other doodles here were started with little idea of where I was going to go with them, a more abstract blind-in-the-dark following feeling and seeing what comes up.

 

Edited October 29, 2021 by Myioko

[Myioko]

On 10/24/2021 at 6:52 PM, modmyth said:

I've also been trying to figure this out as well. Every time that I've went to the drawing board in say... the last 5 years or so, nothing has really stuck. Though I think this has had more to do with my commitment issues with sticking with really long projects, historically speaking. I think it's the idea of it that becomes more of a burden than anything, and not the work at all, like building up this perfect image of it in your head, and then well... reality.

 

@modmyth

Oh yeah.

Committing is tough! I wonder if this is especially a wide-interest-perfectionist type of problem for people? Because you have a wide variety of interests from what I've read/seen from your journals. When committing to a project, do you have a harder time sticking to a cohesive set of rules/style, or the original plan of that project, or just the endurance of it?

(I was thinking the other day how I should become more flexible and accepting in the things I have around me, the 'rules'. Like an analogy for that is if I go to the grocery store, I can make an infinite amount of recipes. But I can intuitively choose the ingredients I want, with some plans, but no pressure. No need to get so overwhelmed because I can stick to my go-to 7 ingredients. I often get overwhelmed or dissatisfied about not creating or doing the perfect thing, not discovering the right ingredients, but sometimes making all of those elaborate decisions isn't quite so necessary and...minimizing, having less, just going with how im feeling is more important.)

For me I have invisible globs of art idea projects that have been swimming in my head for years that I haven't even started, with some of them I haven't even started and already some of them I've exhausted myself out of them, or outgrown them, or formed the ideas into something else. So the idea of it can be quite heavy. Or while doing a project, in some ways it does actually become old, from either repetition or from trying to push past that initial 'magical idea stage!' into a fully formed thing, it's hard to meet up expectations with reality. 

I've realized that for the past 5-6 years part of my problem (as well as growth) with formulating ideas, style, life choices, how I think and everything, is I've become addicted to map-planning. So when I come up with an idea for a project that I love and resonates with me, my plan-making mind will grow dissatisfied with the framework of that plan and I'll tear that plan down in search for perfection. And this goes against the importance of finishing things, there has to be some sort of balance between the two...

(one solution in life: make mental framework as wide and loose as possible...!! )

 

On 10/24/2021 at 6:52 PM, modmyth said:

That and I've had enough trouble with this idea of creative authenticity over the years, which in most ways, has absolutely nothing to do with a paintbrush, pencil, or instrument or medium of choice at all. A great part of it is just the self-belief and self-consciousness issue, I think. 

I've slowly become such a stickler when it comes to creative authenticity. (if what I'm thinking creative authenticity means is the same as you/if I'm understanding what that means) Like, it's gotten to the point where I'm in danger of being extremely impractical at times with life + art and finding it fit, just because I want to stay true to what my current interests and explorations in art are. I refuse to make art that I think other people would like, unless it's for a specific person in mind as a present or project or assignment/job. And more lately I can't stay consistent in an art style, even though I know professional artists eventually become pretty cohesive in their art.

What do you mean by it not having anything to do with a paintbrush/pencil/medium choice?.. - The ideas and expression behind it? 

On 10/24/2021 at 6:52 PM, modmyth said:

And mentally and emotionally investing and committing to your own ideas or worlds.

I've been trying to figure out how to strike this balance between taking things seriously but not TOO seriously (like, keeping it light and not having TOO many unproductive expectations), and figuring out what I feel comfortable showing vs. not (like the way I express myself in complete privacy  vs. intending it for any kind of audience).

Yeah. I think choosing to care deeply about something is necessary and scary, and it gives people a lot of growth, going through the full range of emotions, and they can learn a lot from that. I have a hard time admitting when I'm serious about things and I'll sometimes try to cover them up with jokes or avoiding the question from others of what I think about a certain topic. But at the same time, being too serious seems to be downright stupid, frustrating and unproductive at times at times heh, and give a lot of mental weight. That's how I felt when I was depressed TBH, I was soooo serious about everything.  (so yeah - how to strike that balance, how to be genuine, fun and caring towards life without being rigidly afraid and somber?)

And I think that too, always figuring out what to show vs not show to others, how, why. I'm always going through that in my head. 

I've always been ridiculously optimistic on the inside, but in a very secretive introverted way, sometimes to the point of lying to myself or being unrealistic

On 10/24/2021 at 6:52 PM, modmyth said:

Yea me too! I would love to do something like this (without obviously doing his idea), and I love that it's all over the place thematically and in content, like a bit of everything. In that way, I feel like it is its own sort of worldbuilding, done in a very unique, nonformulatic way.

 

 

On 10/24/2021 at 6:52 PM, modmyth said:

Yea I had a similar sort of idea in mind! The thing is that two people could take on this general idea, and it's so broad and based on whatever interests us that it's likely to end up pretty different and unique (as in, specific to us) regardless, IMO.

Thats awesome! Well it's such a specific thing to be interested in and at the same time broad like you said. Also I can't read your mind so I don't know exactly what you have in mind/your interests are with this, and with me it's very vague to talk about as well and I'd rather just make something first than talk a lot about it lol. Very vague. It's creative visual world building that you have in mind? What are some aspects of fantasy world building do you find interesting or would like to make? And are you more visually inclined or writing or both? (you don't have to answer all of those..)

With the Codex book, I do love it but personally I'm not as interested in drawing absurdist surrealism, I like things to have an imaginative realism feel and I guess I'm not as humorous. 

With your aesthetics journal, there's a lot of overlapping interest there, almost all of it either I think 'ooh I love that and want to learn more about that' or 'I like that and have seen it before.' So whatever you end up drawing I'm sure I'll end up being interested in.

 

(Fashionable woman on the top picture=holding a pheasant? And I like that robots friendly marshmallow bubbly legs. 50s/60s retrofuturism is so charming) 

Edited October 28, 2021 by Myioko
all this art-thinking lately though, makes me wanna read books not related to art and do non-art related things sometimes. I think that, but then go on obsessing over art xD

[Myioko]

At last, after half of a fall semester of hardcore scrambling and stress in trying to catch up and always being behind, I'm...not behind. (To the point of dropping/failing a class however.) I'm just trying hard to stay afloat now. There's relief in that, but not as much relief as you'd think.

And the uncomfortable feeling of 'being behind' is still there, and in being stupid. Maybe not quite as strong. But most of the time I feel like I'm doing things wrong, that my priorities need re-adjusting, that I know I'm not responsible enough, that I'm behind on other neglected areas of my life. 

Edited October 28, 2021 by Myioko
My inner life has turned into my least favorite genre: My multiple mini ego's have been arguing with each other, in a tv show sitcom petty DRAMA

[Myioko]

I never went through teenage angst, all of my feelings were safely boxed inside and I thought I was happy, I was happy but I was limited in many ways unknown. And now I'm living out all of my delayed teenage angst in my 20s.

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I think I read this in a Moebius interview or book somewhere about Tintin having no sexuality/sex appeal, and I still feel like a Tintin in life. I don't know how that thought is related with the above thought, but it came to my head.

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Related to asexuality, It's easy to label myself as asexual, but aromantic is much more of a placeholder label for me. I've never fallen in love with anyone, but that isn't to say I can't fall in love with anyone. I just don't expect that I will! 

For the most part I don't understand how smooshing my face against someone elses face is appealing. And I really cannot understand how people can stand living in the same bedroom as their spouse/partner. 

Edited October 28, 2021 by Myioko

[Myioko]

Today was one of those days where the fear of not being able to trust myself or follow through on my intents towards action came back strong. It was also a day where everything felt uncomfortable. I changed my outfit three times, and each time I was still itchy and uncomfortable, hot or cold, never right. 

Edited October 28, 2021 by Myioko
But I'm glad the day is over. :) Now I can sleep.

[Myioko]

Ah jeez I should fall asleep soon, I have to get up at 7 a.m. But for now I'm enjoying listening to music and thinking. 

I want to draw a short comic story once Thanksgiving or winter break comes, I've wanted to draw something classic dark Little Mermaid themed for 2 years now I think. I keep coming up with different versions and feelings of alternate Little Mermaid stories in my head. The version I had in my head last month was a mermaid who gazed off into the gigantic city lights each night, and who eventually made her way through the winding glowing red/purple/green city streets, and in the end her heart became filled with anger and she took revenge on the Prince in the end, having to kill him to fulfill a prophecy, only either her or the prince could live. What I had in mind before that was a mermaid who lived somewhere very cold, with icebergs.

Right now I'd like to draw a mermaid living in the clouds, who's never been to Earth before, gravity keeping her up in the sky. What's different from sky-mermaids vs angels, is that the fall down to Earth is much harder since mermaids don't have wings. (Maybe I could add tiny Cinderella elements, what if birds were messengers and sometimes flew up pet rats to the clouds? ha. I do love rats.)

I also have a strong aesthetic and color theme in mind: Pastel blue-green, sage, turquoise, lavender, rose, marble statues, white dandelions, sparkly fountains. 

I'm also thinking of the Last Unicorn again, when she turned mortal. (and I know the movie wasn't altogether great but still..) Thinking about mortality, and also her fabulously white hair.

The words from a song came to my mind, and I think I'd like to connect the two: 'Life is short but love is old.' I love those words! Whenever I listen to this song I get the words mixed up in my head though and I expect her to sing 'Life is short but love is bold.' I think bold is a fitting word as well but not as well fitted as old.  

It's the end, friend of mine
It's the end, friend of mine

time is over where we could simply say I love you
Now you opened the door
Leave me crying
Trying to embrace you again
Trying to face this damn situation man
I can't
It's the end, friend of mine
It's the end, sweet friend of mine

dear friend, I cannot tell the reasons why we started well
Good time, give me some wine when you open the door
You seem hurt, don't try to speak a word to me
What on earth could really go wrong with you and me?
Yet its the end, friend of mine
It's the end, sweet friend of mine

time seems to be over where we could simply say I love you
Now you opened the door
I feel cold
Wakened, I hold you in my arms
Told you that life is short but love is old
It's the end, friend of mine
It's the end, sweet friend

Edited October 28, 2021 by Myioko

[Myioko]

This evening I've been experimenting with finding the summary/simplicity in writing down negative thoughts. 

10 hours ago, Myioko said:

I've been in a bad mood and not been feeling well for the past few days.

I had pages and pages of thoughts in those words alone today. But I like how short and blunt this is. I can do most of the venting in my head and the rest in my private journal. On this online journal, I can be more short with venting, for the sake of expression and quickly jotting down thoughts, but not for anything else. 

I'm trying to get better at not giving much fuel to frustrated thoughts, while still realizing and acknowledging that they're there. 

Next off on tomorrow's post: 

Finding gif's of 'characters' for each year's theatric play of my life, per year  That should be interesting...

 

------

 

edit: (will delete later)

'I had a bad dream' woke up with that song in my head

SLEPT IN GOD DAMN- will go to class late, no cares, don't care about interrupting selfishly 

in my dream It was Dune inspired I think. I was in sand dune deserts and there was these secret camp base, where to enter you had to find the secret entrance, read the clue, then tap/send vibration pattersn down

The girl outside was very nice

I climbed up a very pretty hiking area, it was steep i almost fell

a letter sent to me, the objects when touched turned to cockroaches and dead chickens then alive chickens

saw an orchestra play, high on mountain top, i thought: i want to play harp with them

Edited October 28, 2021 by Myioko

[Myioko]

In a ceramics office at the school there's a fancy shmancy lighting photo setup and I took a picture of these last month, before they were glazed. I'll try to remember to take more pictures of it tomorrow.

And then today I took a picture of a little bird box I made. I meant to make it a big bird box but I ran out of clay. I also ran out of time, I meant to sculpt little birds or something to go in the box crevices. The assignment was to use only flat clay panels, cut them out, and put them together, which was quite limiting and I didn't have time to make anything more than a box with two half mini boxes within the box.

 

[Myioko]

The sky was super pretty a couple of days ago

Watching the construction cars go back and forth

The random piece of trash (a tin can?) being in these photos

I took a picture of far off hot air balloons and only noticed this looking back later - a rainbow cloud!

 

[Myioko]

Why do I feel slightly depressed each morning? I still could improve on working on the basics: Getting outdoors/walking, having a cleaner room, getting up on time and not lying in bed, getting up earlier but not rushing things either. 

---

I guess I can say that I'm REALLY not a morning person

---

It also doesn't help that I scheduled my time last night and I found that I had -13 hours to get everything done in the next 4 days, and now -16 

Edited October 29, 2021 by Myioko

[Myioko]

On 10/27/2021 at 9:56 PM, Myioko said:

I had a dream last night that I was at a school for learning all about paradoxes, and there was an insane asylum room, and in the room I opened a strangers journal and I read through their progression and drawings escalating into 'insanity' (psychosis). Since the dreams are all made up in my head I wonder how that reflects in my own life, yiiikes. Even in my dream, I started wondering what the correlations between creativity and insanity were, because the mans (I imagined the journal to be a mans, but I didn't know) drawings took on more creative/interesting/chaotic looks by the end of his journal. His drawings also gravitated towards the right top corner for whatever reason. 

I also found a weird potential correlation to this, but perhaps it's just my imagination (it is my imagination but I mean, not making things up) In the last few days I've taken more naps than usual because of how tired I am. I set a timer for 20 minutes, with a couple after in case that doesnt wake me up. Usually I'll fall into a half sleep, a blend between being awake and asleep. In this head space, reality and hallucinations are very blurred together and hard to pick apart, and I made it a sort of game to listen to the imaginary noises/voices coming to my head before I fall asleep, it makes it easier to quieten my own thoughts and fall asleep - and I noticed that the sounds all seem to be on the right side of my head/imaginary ear! I wonder if there's a scientific explanation for that? 

---

Also reading back on this I can see how it comes off as very strange lol. From what I've read, hearing noises before falling asleep and right after waking up is normal and is a certain brave wave state. It would only become a problem or unusual if I heard anything from outside of sleep/resting my eyes/being in a tired headspace, which I don't. It's pretty calming to listen to, like listening to ambient music or the static of voices and sounds coming in and out of different fuzzy radio stations, and it also has a feeling of floating/bobbing on ocean waves. I'm interesting in noticing different brain states and patterns during the different sleep cycles, along with the visuals/noises, so I just like noticing that kind of stuff (and I should be more interested in meditating but I'm not for some reason, I have a hard time finding the time for it.) The blurred lines between imagination and reality interest me as well, and to me the 'half napping' stage feels like imagination/hallucination thoughts that are blurry and muffled out like thoughts below an ocean surface, near the surface but not quite. And in WILD method dreams this breaking away from above the ocean surface is at it's most sharpest, when I can clearly notice when visuals, sounds, and feeling suddenly turn into a real and tangible experience. 

---

Imagining and hearing audio hallucinations as I fall asleep on the right side of my head could also do with physical factors perhaps, like me sleeping on a certain side too. *shrug*

---

Falling-asleep noises/thoughts: Is in between real sounding and in-my-head. Leaning more towards being in my head but just much much louder. No sense or structure to them, with an abstract rhythm, at times the most sense that they make is that they have aspects of music or sounds or thought patterns that I had that day. Kind of like the scraps of my food for thoughts at the very end of a day being recycled.

(I call these 'noises' because they don't really seem like thoughts at all, (which is interesting to think on - what makes a thought a regular thought of mine? Thoughts during the day spontaneously come to my head and I call them mine.) 

Day to day thoughts: Thoughts that pop into my head are more like that, thoughts. That seemingly have a more cohesive story and sense to it that seems like 'me'. They make sense to the story of my life. Quiet, regular thoughts.

Dreams: Combining the two streams of thought. 

Edited November 1, 2021 by Myioko
noticing that I'm more often using 'lol' as not actually funny but a mood placer and way to make the sentence seem more casual..

[Myioko]

Yesterday I went trick or treating with my younger sister and I think it was probably one of my favorite trick or treating years ever: I hadn't done anything Halloween related in years so it felt more novel to me. I went as an adult for the first time so I didn't bring a basket for candy and I didn't ask for candy but nearly everyone offered me some (I'd take candy, but not interested in eating it.) My sister was fun to go with and she dressed as Cruella De Vil. It was fun looking at the decorations and costumes and we walked no longer than 40 minutes, whereas in past years I'd walk in uncomfortable shoes until my feet ached in order to get the maximum amount of candy. 

I decided to dress up as a class Halloween-y character and nothing too novel, just a victorian ghost. But I was happy enough with the result from what little time I had to put it together. I bought an extra skirt ruffle to give myself the right skirt silhouette at a thrift store by cutting a cheap black frilly prom dress in half, I wore a raggedy cloak that I found in the Halloween closet that I wore years ago for Halloween, I painted my face white, wore a wig I had, and on top of everything put on a sheer, rag-edy ghostly fabric.

((me 13 years ago, deciding last minute to look extra scary that year. I remember my older sister had a lot of fun doing the creepy makeup, and making my hair frizzy...and I had the 'scary' facial expression down )) The first ever Halloween costume I ever remember wearing was a lady bug, and then going out trunk-or-treating in Phoenix Arizona at a church party. Then the next year I dressed up as a princess in a very itchy dress. Then another princess in another very itchy dress. There was one year that I really wanted to be a black cat after seeing my sister dress up as one, around the princess year, but my mom later told me that she discouraged it because she was afraid my cat-like tendencies would come back re-inspired if I dressed as a cat. 

The Halloween party afterwards wasn't as fun because there was no theme to the party, it was the usual socializing with strangers - strangers for me - I didn't know most of the people there, and drinking games, and eventually a few friends and I went outside and we played games and talked about our favorite and least favorite obscure Harry Potter characters. I left an hour early because my head hurt and my contacts were bothering me and parties often overwhelm/bore me.

Also I forgot to mention that all of the trick-or-treating happened on Saturday night, because Halloween landed on a Sunday this year. I guess it really just depends where you live as to which day kids go out trick-or-treating? Nobody knocked on the door Sunday night.

Today was Halloween #2 and I slept in, played Halloween themed Animal Crossing with my sister, cleaned as much as I could, took a nap because I still feel strangely tired, and then had Halloween party #2 but a chill version of it with snacks and games and a late night walk. 

---

For next week, now that the Halloween festivities are over I'm going to focus super hard on getting work/study/artwork done...my goal is to get everything I've been needed to get done, done, by the end of the first week of November. I'd really like to eventually be slightly ahead of everything instead of behind. I'm so used to the feeling of always being slightly behind or just barely catching up on things which is tiring and I have a hard time having a peace of mind with always the thoughts of deadlines lurking in the back of my mind. And a lot of that could be solved by practicing emotional management practice, time management, being less impulsive, and taking up less responsibilities and knowing how much I can realistically take on. 

Edited November 2, 2021 by Myioko
ITS NOVEMBER NOW AHHH, my favorite month!

[Myioko]

Mood:

 

 

[Myioko]

Rating Disney Couples

(just for fun)

For a quick character and reminder and chemistry test I looked up 'top Disney kisses'. I'm also only rating Disney characters that I've seen in the past 8 years or that I watched the movie a lot as a kid.

 

101 Dalmatians: (the humans)

9.5/10

I really like Roger and I like his style, they have a cute classic romantic get-together, and I love the overall style of the movie.

Even though Anita has a very 'normal' regular classic character, I think her book character she was written in the 1950s.

(I re-listened to the 101 Dalmations audio book many many times in the car as a kid when I was 5-8 years old, my parents eventually became  sick of it during car rides. I haven't listened to it since and now I want to.) 

Cinderella: 5/10

It's hard to say with this one because I don't know much about the Prince character. But I'm happy for Cinderella for leaving her abusive step mom and sisters and that she seemed to get her happily ever after. 

Frozen (Anna and Kristoff) 6/10

They have more interactions together, are wholesome and they're cute, but...that's about it? I'm not strongly rooted for them or anything.

Snow White: 2/10

The Prince is like a cardboard character, unless I'm remembering wrong. Snow White is a bit better only because she has more screen time...to be fair though this movie is reallly old and that's impressive! (even though on production in the film, they were sexist towards the artists) (And how old was Snow White in this film?)

I think the problem with many of the Prince characters is that they don’t get a fully fleshed out character. Why is this? Is it because the target audience was girls? Was it because most of the animators back then were males who preferred drawing females? Were the classic written fairy tales just more focused on the female characters and if so, why is that?

Edited November 1, 2021 by Myioko

[Myioko]

Bambi: 7/10 

Yeah it's a little odd to suddenly have him be in love with his childhood friend. But it's kinda cute.

Sleeping Beauty: 4/10

Hey this scene again...but this time the Prince is slightly animated, he smiles. I also remember him fighting a dragon, so that gives him a bit of character. I'm also biased because Sleeping Beauty has such a pretty style, so that raises it by a point.

Hunchback of Notre Dame: 6/10

I have mixed feelings about this couple - they break the main characters heart which is sad. The blonde guy has funny sarcastic quick witted lines, but at the same time he isn't really my style personality-wise. But he's funny enough to raise a point. Esmerelda is beautiful/hot enough to raise two points. I admit they do have some chemistry I guess

nooo

Little Mermaid: 6/10

I don't have much to say about this couple...the movie does play on the romance scenes a lot.

--

I do think though that a lot of people dislike Ariel but I actually overall like her, and I think the 'I want more' song is oftentimes misunderstood as simply being just ungrateful. 

The Lion King: 7/10....perhaps? It's been a while since I've seen it.

 

Edited November 1, 2021 by Myioko

[Myioko]

Tangled: 8/10 

Sure, they're like a typical cute Disney couple. (if they were in a modern high school they would be in the 'popular straight people' friend group I think) Also any Disney movie that features floating lanterns as a romance scene, no matter the couple, gets 2 points extra for being romantic.

I also was super into this movie and the romance when I was 14. I think I was a little bit jealous of Rapunzels expressive femininity when I was 14 so that was why I was drawn to this movie. I also liked how genuine/honest she is. I also related to her naivety.

The Princess and the Frog: 5.5/10 

I NEVER LIKED Prince Naveen...I didn't dislike him either though. But I liked Tiana as a character. She was super practical and down to earth but I think with her circumstances and not having the luxury to mess up she was more forced into that. 

Aladin: 6/10 or 7/10

It's hard to say with this movie because it's been a while since I've seen it, a long while. Also my older sister was strongly against both of the characters and that rubbed off of me. Aladdin makes me uncomfortable to watch in the movie/stressed out, because of how far he goes with his lying. But that also is more realistic for a clueless teenager boy who has a strong crush.

Beauty and the Beast: 7.5/10 

The ending kiss was well done imo and yeah the character dynamic is odd in many ways but overall it still works for a movie.

Pocahontas:

I'm conflicted about this one because if I were 6/7 years old again I would have thought 9.5/10 but now I just feel uncomfortable with this couple, learning about the history on it and how really messed up it is. So I'll give it a 3/10-7/10

Hercules: 4/10

I'm...just not a fan of either Hercules or Maggie, character-wise. There's nothing wrong them at all, I just don't relate to them when I watch the movie. 

Tarzan: 9.5/10 or 10/10

It's been a while since I watched this movie as well, but looking back on some of the clips, this couple is really cute, and even I can tell they have a lot of chemistry.

 

Edited November 1, 2021 by Myioko
aaaand done!