Kinda upset that most guys I find attractive are taken

[Raptorsin7]

7 hours ago, somegirl said:

How is there asymmetry?

Because I think you're not taking into account that men and woman value different things in partners. Also, I think that the qualities you described in a man are more rare than what you described in a woman. There will be more woman like you than there are men like him.

I think you are looking at this only from your perspective, the qualities that you listed that make you desirable sound like qualities that woman look for in men, not vice versa. You have to consider what would a high quality man want from you. 

8 hours ago, somegirl said:

Not all of them. I have started this process a while ago. Though even when I uncover hidden core limiting beliefs of mine, what do I do with it? How do I change it?

I don't know for sure, I'm still working on this. But i'll say this.

it's not really about the beliefs per se, but more about how your body/being was programmed based on your relationship with your parents. We carry the trauma phsyically until we address it.

Have you ever seen hard faced woman? Or people who walk around and seem scared and anxious as they walk?

Most people are walking around with unprocessed trauma and there are literal physical manifestations of that trauma and they effect everything we do; from how we walk, talk, relate etc. 

I think men can tell almost instinctually when a woman is healthy and happy emotionally, and her being will literally reflect that. I think the kinds of men you want, will expect happy, healthy, and feminine woman. But until you learn deal with your trauma, you may be walking around with a vibe/energy that is instinctually repulsing the kinds of men you want.

I'd say a good place to start would be find a therapist/coach who embodies divine feminine qualities, or at the very least is in a relationship with the kind of men you would want. You can learn from her how/why she was able to attract the kind of man she was able to get.

[Leo Gura]

5 hours ago, Jacob Morres said:

I think this advice has to be given to men as well

Bcuz when I hear a lot of advice for men it sucks because it reinforces a "not enough" complex. Be more confident, more charismatic, lead better, stay grounded etc. Signifying that you aren't enough as you are 

Guys have more responsibility in this area.

[NoSelfSelf]

@somegirl For a high value you should be cooperative,submissive,friendly,drama free,no attitude,feminine not showing how you can be more masculine than him, not havin an attitude that your way is best way kind of thing,do you cook, clean or think you beyond it because you have a degree? Do you make things extra difficult or you supportive of his purpose and make sure hes on his path? Then you could be all that but your vibes doesnt show it...Then theres a values thing how many high value guys are interested in spirituality mybe 2%? its a small number you have to deal with...and not sure whats high value for you?

[Windappreciator]

 don't know why you need other guys.

Are you not enough for yourself?

And then also some specific sort of guy.

 

Edited October 8, 2021 by Windappreciator

[somegirl]

30 minutes ago, Windappreciator said:

don't know why you need other guys.

Are you not enough for yourself?

Do you not want a life partner as well? Don't we all? Pretty comfortable being on my own, believe me, but I want to make this life a little more interesting. Share it with someone.

32 minutes ago, Windappreciator said:

And then also some specific sort of guy.

Looking for specific kind of guy cause I don't want to make a hell out of my life. Hearing all kinds of stories about bad marriages/relationships all the time. About abuse, constant arguments, and plus when you add kids into that mix, then life becomes a hell on earth. No thanks. 

[somegirl]

1 hour ago, NoSelfSelf said:

@somegirl For a high value you should be cooperative,submissive,friendly,drama free,no attitude,feminine not showing how you can be more masculine than him, not havin an attitude that your way is best way kind of thing,do you cook, clean or think you beyond it because you have a degree? Do you make things extra difficult or you supportive of his purpose and make sure hes on his path? Then you could be all that but your vibes doesnt show it...Then theres a values thing how many high value guys are interested in spirituality mybe 2%? its a small number you have to deal with...and not sure whats high value for you?

Mhm, got it. Have some of those, but not all of them. For example, I'm not too friendly with strangers right off the bat. Though I also think it's a good thing because you don't want to be nice to any kind of guy, especially not nice towards ones you want to leave you alone.

Also won't be submissive if I don't agree with him on something.

Generally drama free if he treats me right (by that I mean like a human being with their own set of needs/wishes/aspirstions in life).

"Not showing how I can be more masculine than him", do you mean me having my own thing (career) in life is showing him that I'm more masculine than him?

Who said I'm beyond anything because of degree (that I didn't get yet)? 

Even though I will learn to cook and will be cleaning and doing all that stuff once we live togethee, I honestly expect our house chores to get split cause I won't be a house wife. I will also have a career, as well as him, so it would only be unfair that I do all of the work around the house while he doesn't. 

As for 2% of guys being interested in spirituaily, I get that, you're right there are a lot less guys interested in thoss kind of stuff than girls... Though I at least hope he would be more open to meditation, at least. Because being open to new ideas show that he will be open to more radical stuff later on.

High value for me... Guy who has his own thing going on in his life and is successful at it, and loves doing what he's doing... Masculine, takes good care of himself, respects his mother, funny but knows when to be serious, understanding, open-minded. Listens to my needs. Really cares to make me comfortable and well taken care of. Treats me like a lady. Doesn't pressure me into anything. Non-needy. Has his own social circle... Etc.

 

Edited October 8, 2021 by somegirl

[somegirl]

4 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Because I think you're not taking into account that men and woman value different things in partners.

I see, might be. What do you think men value, basides beauty?

 

 

4 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Also, I think that the qualities you described in a man are more rare than what you described in a woman.

I mean.. I get spitirual stuff might be a bit of a stretch to ask for in a guy, but other things? Being understanding and considerate? Eloquent and ambitious? If that's so rare and/or too much to ask for, I don't know if this whole thing is for me. lol
 

4 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I think you are looking at this only from your perspective, the qualities that you listed that make you desirable sound like qualities that woman look for in men, not vice versa. You have to consider what would a high quality man want from you. 

You sound like a high quality guy.  What do you value in a girl? 

 

4 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I don't know for sure, I'm still working on this. But i'll say this.

it's not really about the beliefs per se, but more about how your body/being was programmed based on your relationship with your parents. We carry the trauma phsyically until we address it.

Have you ever seen hard faced woman? Or people who walk around and seem scared and anxious as they walk?

Most people are walking around with unprocessed trauma and there are literal physical manifestations of that trauma and they effect everything we do; from how we walk, talk, relate etc. 

I think men can tell almost instinctually when a woman is healthy and happy emotionally, and her being will literally reflect that. I think the kinds of men you want, will expect happy, healthy, and feminine woman. But until you learn deal with your trauma, you may be walking around with a vibe/energy that is instinctually repulsing the kinds of men you want.

I'd say a good place to start would be find a therapist/coach who embodies divine feminine qualities, or at the very least is in a relationship with the kind of men you would want. You can learn from her how/why she was able to attract the kind of man she was able to get.

So true so true. I agree that it can manifest physically, on their faces etc.

 "But until you learn deal with your trauma, you may be walking around with a vibe/energy that is instinctually repulsing the kinds of men you want." This makes perfect sense. This is why I was wondering how to heal it. Everyone is talking about us needing to find limiting beliefs, but noone is saying what to do with it once you find it. I don't think I had a terrible childhood. But there were some things that happened in my teenage years that left me with some kind of bitterness/trauma.

"I'd say a good place to start would be find a therapist/coach who embodies divine feminine qualities, or at the very least is in a relationship with the kind of men you would want. You can learn from her how/why she was able to attract the kind of man she was able to get." Good advice. Thanks. Will see about therapists though, if it is covered by my insurance lol. 
 

[somegirl]

I don't want to be financially dependent on a guy. I have seen women not leaving toxic relationships or relationships where they weren't happy because they couldn't live on their own. They were dependent on a guy to take care of them. I don't want that. If some people think that is too masculine, to make an income on my own, I really don't agree with it. 

[Etherial Cat]

@somegirl

I don't think you are asking for too much. I've met guys like this before so they certainly exist.

I have noticed a pattern from some men (those who are having a hard time getting a girl) to ask women to lower their standards. That request is more an unconscious attempt to lower the bar so they'd have an easier time finding a partner. It is not personal. And it doesn't come off as very elegant of them.

I would say that if you want the type of men you describe, you need to occupy social spaces where you can find them. I totally second Leo on his advices. Ideally, you would also like to move into developed areas (cities with a fair amount of Green +) where you have a high concentration of equally developed individuals. 

I would also try to develop yourself and heal your past traumas, gradually. As Jung said "as long as you don't make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you'll call it faith". You should also build a healthy relationships with yourself as much as it is possible, as it will mirror who you will ultimately attract. 

Edited October 8, 2021 by Etherial Cat

[Etherial Cat]

1 hour ago, somegirl said:

I don't want to be financially dependent on a guy. I have seen women not leaving toxic relationships or relationships where they weren't happy because they couldn't live on their own. They were dependent on a guy to take care of them. I don't want that. If some people think that is too masculine, to make an income on my own, I really don't agree with it. 

That is indeed a hellish bargain society still too often overlook.

Good for you that you are aware of the trap and stick your ground. They won't be the ones dealing with this situation.

---

Also, I think you are totally right rejecting being submissive as a high value quality.

These recurring request for women to be submissive, which are also passed here often as an "essential" feminine quality is a common misunderstanding of what the feminine principle is about.

No human relationship is viable whenever one individual submit its individuality to someone else's.

It is impossible for a woman to shrink its individuality, feelings and thoughts to the wishes of a partner and remain sane. 

Edited October 8, 2021 by Etherial Cat

[Windappreciator]

3 hours ago, somegirl said:

Do you not want a life partner as well? Don't we all? Pretty comfortable being on my own, believe me, but I want to make this life a little more interesting. Share it with someone.

You can always share it with other people, noone is keeping you.

3 hours ago, somegirl said:

Looking for specific kind of guy cause I don't want to make a hell out of my life. Hearing all kinds of stories about bad marriages/relationships all the time. About abuse, constant arguments, and plus when you add kids into that mix, then life becomes a hell on earth. No thanks. 

If you want to learn upproaching men yourself. 

In case you are looking for men that dislike kids, it can lead you to the toxic kind.

Edited October 8, 2021 by Windappreciator

[Harlen Kelly]

8 hours ago, somegirl said:

High value for me... Guy who has his own thing going on in his life and is successful at it, and loves doing what he's doing... Masculine, takes good care of himself, respects his mother, funny but knows when to be serious, understanding, open-minded. Listens to my needs. Really cares to make me comfortable and well taken care of. Treats me like a lady. Doesn't pressure me into anything. Non-needy. Has his own social circle... Etc.

This should be easy for you to get, make sure you live in a city where a lot of men with those qualities can be found, put yourself out there, go to the gym regularly and look decently. 

Just going to the gym and having a good diet will dramatically increase your chances of meeting a high value guy. Then qualities like femininity, being easy-going, having your own hobbies, etc...

@NoSelfSelf

Based. 

Edited October 8, 2021 by Harlen Kelly

[Raptorsin7]

12 hours ago, somegirl said:

I mean.. I get spitirual stuff might be a bit of a stretch to ask for in a guy, but other things? Being understanding and considerate? Eloquent and ambitious? If that's so rare and/or too much to ask for, I don't know if this whole thing is for me. lol

I'm not saying you shouldn't want these things or anything like that. I'm just pointing out that eloquent, ambitious, and spiritual/open minded men are rare so you have to ensure you are an equally rare person to expect to be desirable to that kind of man. 

I don't know what men are like where you're from, do you think these kinds of men are rare or in high supply?

12 hours ago, somegirl said:

You sound like a high quality guy.  What do you value in a girl? 

Haha thanks. In some ways I am, but I don't consider myself emotionally ready for a relationship so take what I say with a grain of salt, but I'll provide what insight I can. 

For me i'd say I have a hierarchy of things I look at. 1st is I want someone I find incredibly beautiful. Next, I would consider her emotional/psychological integration. I want a woman who has worked through any trauma, and is happy, healthy, and emotionally open for a deep connection. I'd include a strong feminine energy in this too, because I think woman who are healed will be able to embrace their divine femininity. 

Fundamentally, I want someone who is beautiful, emotionally/psychologically healthy, and who I enjoy being with. 

I remember when I was in college there was this girl in one my classes who I was really attracted to. She had an aura of femininity that was unmistakable. The way she dressed, acted etc. She wasn't trying to it, it was just part of who she was. I think this kind of reaction you want to invoke in men, and it was largely based on her mannerusisms and character all stuff in woman's control.

13 hours ago, somegirl said:

 "But until you learn deal with your trauma, you may be walking around with a vibe/energy that is instinctually repulsing the kinds of men you want." This makes perfect sense. This is why I was wondering how to heal it. Everyone is talking about us needing to find limiting beliefs, but noone is saying what to do with it once you find it. I don't think I had a terrible childhood. But there were some things that happened in my teenage years that left me with some kind of bitterness/trauma.

Yeah I have run into the same frustration with spirituality. I'll share a little story from my psych trips that illustrates how this stuff works, but I haven't solved this yet so you'll have to learn more on your own.

When I do psychs like LSD or mushrooms I get nausea and the act of vomiting causes my entire body to convulse. But behind/into the nausea feeling there are certain pockets of energy I can feel into, and when I go into them I literally transform my entire perception as well as my character. Once i get through the nausea my voice changes, my thought process becomes much more clear, my body is much less tense and I feel more in my body and more coordinated.

So it's like the trauma and emotional repression caused by body to seize up and get stuck, but when I liberated the trauma and surrendered to all feelings I unlock a new dimension to myself.

The same could happen with any woman. If you learn to be more emotionally vulnerable and let all this shit out of your system/being, your attitude, voice, way you walk, etc everything can be transformed. You will literally be walking around as a different person.

13 hours ago, somegirl said:

I don't want to be financially dependent on a guy. I have seen women not leaving toxic relationships or relationships where they weren't happy because they couldn't live on their own. They were dependent on a guy to take care of them. I don't want that. If some people think that is too masculine, to make an income on my own, I really don't agree with i

I don't disagree with this. Unless your family has money it's always a wise move to become financially self sufficient. But notice your entire belief system around this question is skewed and telling.

What if you were with a good man who would not financially abuse you? Notice this entire paradigm is coming from your own fear and insecurity. 

 

[somegirl]

I just realized that I'm not high quality girl that would attract the guy I want

[Emotionalmosquito]

17 hours ago, somegirl said:

As for 2% of guys being interested in spirituaily, I get that, you're right there are a lot less guys interested in thoss kind of stuff than girls... Though I at least hope he would be more open to meditation, at least. Because being open to new ideas show that he will be open to more radical stuff later on.

 

17 hours ago, somegirl said:

I mean.. I get spitirual stuff might be a bit of a stretch to ask for in a guy

18 hours ago, somegirl said:

Masculine, takes good care of himself, respects his mother, funny but knows when to be serious, understanding, open-minded. Listens to my needs. Really cares to make me comfortable and well taken care of. Treats me like a lady.

“open-minded”

hmm... I can relate to that struggle. 

If so many more girls are into this stuff than guys, where ya’ll hiding at? I very rarely get a positive response when I open up about such things. If you really are the more spiritual half of humanity that’s great for me but it sure doesn’t look that way. Maybe it’s the area.

As for you, I guess just do what Leo says and go to hippie gatherings and take your pick. Shouldn’t be that hard for you to find cargo ship loads of options at places like that. Plus do shadow work and so forth.

 

[FlyingLotus]

6 hours ago, somegirl said:

I just realized that I'm not high quality girl that would attract the guy I want

That sounds like your fear and limiting beliefs talking instead of the truth of who you are!  Align with the truth that you're one with the divine force of creation.  It's just easy to forget because you're having a human experience ?.

You might like this video by Bentinho Massaro about wanting someone who's "out of your league."  If you align with the essence and vibration of what the person represents they're basically no longer "out of your league."  He explains it better.  I personally find the video inspiring.

 

A book you might like is "Calling in the One" by Katherine Woodward.  It's all about healing your trauma and attachment wounds so that you're no longer unconsciously acting from a place of limiting beliefs or letting trauma affect what kind of guy you're attracted to.  She's done a lot of interviews on youtube if you want to get a sense of what she's like.  

The word submissive gets thrown around a lot.  I personally prefer words like nurturing, inviting, warm, receptive, a soft place to fall.  For me those feel better and I think it's pretty similar to what guys mean by submissive.

Edited October 9, 2021 by FlyingLotus

[somegirl]

4 hours ago, FlyingLotus said:

That sounds like your fear and limiting beliefs talking instead of the truth of who you are!

Might be but I visualzed high quality guy next to me and I don't fit that picture. 

For example, I don't mind my physical appearance, I'm skinny and tall, and I take time to groom myself before I go out, but maybe the way I walk or carry myself might not be so feminine. Lately I've been kinda on the edge cause I fear some weirdos approaching me. It has happened before and I absolutely hated it. So I'm not as open and receptive as I could've been. Mostly guys I don't find attractive/older man approach me when I'm out in a city (yougner guys not so much but I understand its because of fear not to look creepy, older man are much more confident).

Second thing is - My skin is not too good. Actually have problem with body acne. Face skin is perfect, but my back, legs, stomach... It's full of some kind of acne, dark sports, bruises... I have very sensitive skin. I also have something called Keloids on my shoulders (so I don't wear open-shoulder clothes too much.

 

4 hours ago, FlyingLotus said:

You might like this video by Bentinho Massaro about wanting someone who's "out of your league."  If you align with the essence and vibration of what the person represents they're basically no longer "out of your league."  He explains it better.  I personally find the video inspiring.

4 hours ago, FlyingLotus said:

A book you might like is "Calling in the One" by Katherine Woodward.  It's all about healing your trauma and attachment wounds so that you're no longer unconsciously acting from a place of limiting beliefs or letting trauma affect what kind of guy you're attracted to.  She's done a lot of interviews on youtube if you want to get a sense of what she's like.  

Thanks so much for these recommendations! 

Edited October 9, 2021 by somegirl

[somegirl]

On 10/8/2021 at 1:40 PM, Etherial Cat said:

These recurring request for women to be submissive, which are also passed here often as an "essential" feminine quality is a common misunderstanding of what the feminine principle is about.

No human relationship is viable whenever one individual submit its individuality to someone else's.

It is impossible for a woman to shrink its individuality, feelings and thoughts to the wishes of a partner and remain sane. 

Absolutely, I don't understand being submissive. In bed, I might be able to understand, but like being submissive as a person? What does that mean? To negate my personality and individuality to please my alpha man, because that's somehow right and feminine? Nah lol. 

Edited October 9, 2021 by somegirl

[somegirl]

On 10/8/2021 at 1:22 PM, Etherial Cat said:

I don't think you are asking for too much. I've met guys like this before so they certainly exist.

Where did you meet them, if I may ask?

On 10/8/2021 at 1:22 PM, Etherial Cat said:

I have noticed a pattern from some men (those who are having a hard time getting a girl) to ask women to lower their standards. That request is more an unconscious attempt to lower the bar so they'd have an easier time finding a partner. It is not personal. And it doesn't come off as very elegant of them.

Makes perfect sense lol.

On 10/8/2021 at 1:22 PM, Etherial Cat said:

I would say that if you want the type of men you describe, you need to occupy social spaces where you can find them. I totally second Leo on his advices. Ideally, you would also like to move into developed areas (cities with a fair amount of Green +) where you have a high concentration of equally developed individuals. 

Hmm. Not my place lol. This plac I live is stage Blue. Would need to move which would be kinda scary...
 

On 10/8/2021 at 1:22 PM, Etherial Cat said:

I would also try to develop yourself and heal your past traumas, gradually. As Jung said "as long as you don't make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you'll call it faith". You should also build a healthy relationships with yourself as much as it is possible, as it will mirror who you will ultimately attract. 

Thanks. these are very helpful. 
 

[mandyjw]

5 minutes ago, somegirl said:

Might be but I visualzed high quality guy next to me and I don't fit that picture. 

For example, I don't mind my physical appearance, I'm skinny and tall, but maybe the way I walk or carry myself might not be so feminine. Lately I've been kinda on the edge cause I fear some weirdos approaching me. It has happened before and I absolutely hated it. So I'm not as open and receptive as I could've been. Mostly guys I don't find attractive/older man approach me when I'm out in a city (yougner guys not so much but I understand its because of fear not to look creepy, older man are much more confident).

Second thing is - My skin is not too good. Actually have problem with body acne. Face skin is perfect, but my back, legs, stomach... It's full of some kind of acne, dark sports, bruises... I have very sensitive skin. I also have something called Keloids on my shoulders (so I don't wear open-shoulder clothes too much.

Thanks so much for these recommendations! 

It's never this stuff.  It might be your focus on it though. 

There aren't any weirdos either. Seriously. The real weirdos are really the very best kind. You're too smart for some guy you deem "safe" and "attractive." That's never gonna do it for you. Why do women like vampire fantasies? (Don't judge it, I know.) But why? Repulsion, fear and attraction are all related. I'm not saying to put yourself in danger, just question yourself, why don't I feel safe? Is it really the person exuding it, or my judgement of them that I don't like?