Roommate: Stay or Leave? (When to Push Through? When to Pull Out?)

[Matt23]

So, I just moved in with a woman a month or so ago, and I'm really not feeling great with her.  

Part of me thinks it could be a good opportunity for growth, honest and open communication, and boundary setting practice.  But another part of me is thinking this could just be unnecessary angst and stress that is best handled by leaving.  

I don't really know the best course of action.

I've moved around a lot during the last 10 years, and not developed any stable relationships (intimate and otherwise).  So part of me thinks this could be me just confronting what I've been avoiding.  

Also though, life is short and I want to enjoy it.  I also want to be growing in a healthy manner and not backsliding or creating unnecessary stress on myself.  I've battled mental health stuff quite a bit and tend to experience lots of stress.  So I dunno.  

What would you guys do?

What ways do you make and sort through these types of decisions?  

She's like 55 or something, I'm 29.

I see the wisdom in both scenarios:

• Stay and use this experience as a growth opportunity.
• Leave and heal in a more tranquil and relaxed atmosphere to gain perspective and love. 

Edited October 7, 2021 by Matt23

[Sempiternity]

When it comes to living with someone, you either get along with someone or you don't. And when you don't it will only get worse and worse as time goes on. At least in my experience. If you can't see it working, then best to do another move. 

[Harlen Kelly]

@Matt23 So you are considering moving out only because she is a female or why specifically?

[Matt23]

5 minutes ago, Sempiternity said:

When it comes to living with someone, you either get along with someone or you don't. And when you don't it will only get worse and worse as time goes on. At least in my experience. If you can't see it working, then best to do another move

Fair enough.  

4 minutes ago, Harlen Kelly said:

So you are considering moving out only because she is a female or why specifically?

I mean, not that I'm aware of.  For all I know, unconsciously it could be related.  But I doubt it.

First, partly it's related to the noise levels.  The walls are kinda thin, I'm someone who's really desired and needed tranquility and quiet.  She tends to like to watch TV, be more chatty and extraverted.  Whereas I'm more of an introvert and feel the need to come home to a place where I feel I can just relax and not feel like I need to please her and chat or something.  

There's also some shadowy stuff where part of me feels scared of her for some reason.  

I also just think she's not the kind of person I'd like to be around and see her as somewhat a little toxic.  I mean, maybe it's more me, but it's just the vibe I get. 

I just don't feel that comfortable living with her and feel a decent amount of subtle tension whenever I'm in the place with her.  Like I need to please her or something.  I try not too and make it reasonable in terms of me just making my own space and taking my own time.  But there's still the underlying stress there.  

It's kind of annoying and I feel it difficult to just get some rest when I feel I need it.  

It obviously gets convoluted and not so clear (otherwise I'd probably know what to do and not be asking this question here).  B

But ya...  The overall, superficial overview of it is...

• A constant subtle, underlying stress and uncomfortableness with her.  
• Feeling frustrated when coming home since I feel the need for silence to recharge, but she tends to always want to chat and just starts talking at me about stuff in her day and I just feel it difficult to say "Look LIsa, I don't want to talk right now.  I had a long day full of interaction and I feel the need for being still and just relaxing and not talking a bunch."  
  • This is partly where I'm like she could be good practice for me in this regard.  And I've already done a good conversation of radical honesty where I just laid some stuff out I felt scared to say.  
• Then the noise factor, which we agreed on that she'd turn the TV off at 10-10:30.  So it's not too bad, but ideally I'd like a place quieter.
• Finally, I just sense she's got some toxicity to her that maybe I could not do with.  
  • Though, again, this could be good practice to dealing and interacting with people I don't get along with.  

 

[Matt23]

The other practicalities of the situation are...

• The location here is pretty decent.  A 5 minute walk to both of my jobs down the road.  
• In the end, I'd like to be living in a different part of the town that I've come to feel really good in.  So if I found somewhere in the place for a reasonable price I'd take it.  
• There's another place I'm looking at which has cheaper rent, a lot more positive feel for the roomie.  Though it's further away, a much smaller living space.  
  • I'm considering just taking this place in the meantime.  Though, I'd hate to leave her quickly if a spot in my ideal location of the city came up. 

That's another thing, deciding whether or not to just hold on here till I find a place in my ideal location in the city, or to grab another place quickly and then wait.  

 

I guess I just want to find a place where I feel positive, healthy, and chill and comfortable in.  Obviously part of that is on working on myself.  But on the other hand, I would like to be more easy on myself and be more forgiving I suppose.  I also don't want to keep on jumping from one place to the next, so finding an ideal place long-term would be, well, ideal.  

[Matt23]

@Sempiternity  How many places and people have you lived with?  What has your history, background, and experience been like?  How old are you?  I ask since I guess I trust someone's advice more if they have more life experience.  No offence meant.  

[Harlen Kelly]

@Matt23 I will be honest, I think the main reason for the subtle unease you are feeling around her is simply because of the fact that she is a woman and according to what you have previously stated, you are not used to being that close to women or people in general, therefore, you are irrationally trying to justify your unease and uncomfortableness around her. 

You can move out if you want but that will only stifle your growth, you are not supposed to feel uneasy around women, half the human population are women. Instead address the feeling of unease by observing it and diving into it. 

I might be wrong in my analysis though. 

[Snader]

You want to write down the positives and the negatives and then contemplate for a longer period of time, whether it's better for you to stay or move out. Take time before doing big changes, because a mind has a tendency to find problems everywhere when under stress, especially from stuff that are close to us, like home.

Have you talked to her about your disagreements? This television thing is a matter that should be honored by her part, as you are sharing the apartment. She should also be mature enough to respect your privacy, if you tell her that you need it. But those issues won't solve themselves, there must be clear communication.

Maybe she doesn't care how you get along, in which case that's a big problem and should be considered as a big minus. But I don't believe that's the case, as it's also serving her to have you there paying half of the living expenses.

Also, you've lived together for only a month. In general I would take several months before making such negative assumptions. Living with someone is a process that needs finetuning along the way. 

Be careful, you might take this as a bigger problem than it really is. I'd say as a rule of thumb: As long as the situation is serving you in a big picture, take longer time horizon to see how your views change and try finding a way to make it work. If you can't make it work no matter what you do, then change the situation.

I have experience from living in a commune (me+2 others) for 2 years and I can say, there will be times when you REALLY want to move out and see it's the right decision, and later realize how stupid you were to think that way, and how stress and negative life circumstances clouded your judgement so that all the positives were hidden in the dark clouds.

 

[flowboy]

4 hours ago, Matt23 said:

This is partly where I'm like she could be good practice for me in this regard.  And I've already done a good conversation of radical honesty where I just laid some stuff out I felt scared to say.  

Coming home should not be practice.

Coming home should be utterly relaxed, all shields down.

 

Unless your main purpose in life is to live with people uncomfortably, and then write a book on it or something, this is probably detrimental to what you are trying to do in life and you should leave this situation.

[Matt23]

8 hours ago, Harlen Kelly said:

I might be wrong in my analysis though.

Ya.  I literally have no fucking idea why you're so caught up on the woman thing or why you're making that assumption.  Seems like it's coming from your own stuff.  

As someone who's gay, I gotta tell you, I feel more comfortable living with woman than I do with men.  

7 hours ago, Snader said:

I have experience from living in a commune (me+2 others) for 2 years and I can say, there will be times when you REALLY want to move out and see it's the right decision, and later realize how stupid you were to think that way, and how stress and negative life circumstances clouded your judgement so that all the positives were hidden in the dark clouds.

That makes sense.  I am fucking tired of doing this... of living with so much stress.  And moving again just creates more of it.  Always trying to find new places to live n such.  It's a fucking headache making all these decisions.  

Maybe I'm just so used to stress that it's where I feel normal and am used to it.  Like that's my homeostasis.  

6 hours ago, flowboy said:

Coming home should not be practice.

Coming home should be utterly relaxed, all shields down.

Fair as well. 

[Flowerfaeiry]

So often when I don't want to do something, that means I should go. But it can take time to figure that out and that's ok. You don't have to leave like, now. You can sit on it a bit and try to become more sure of your decisions. 

[Jacob Morres]

for what its worth i had a friend who seemed to have the same problem as you. he would say that he would want his alone time sometimes and shed try to have conversations with him. he moved out and likes living in a studio now

[universe]

I'm sensing people pleaser vibes.

If that is you, please look into it. People pleasing is damaging to both parties.

 

Have you considered setting your boundaries? Be vigilant about them.

Do everything you can to make her respect your boundaries (except physically hurting her).

A crucial learning point is becoming comfortable with tension.

 

See what happens. Maybe she will move out because she can't stand you, or you get kicked out. Or maybe you both can develop a wonderful and deep friendship. Where you are both authentic and learned something.

 

Or you could just move out now, nothing wrong with that.

[PurpleTree]

hmmm great question.

and also lovely answers.

4 hours ago, universe said:

I'm sensing people pleaser vibes.

If that is you, please look into it. People pleasing is damaging to both parties.

 

Have you considered setting your boundaries? Be vigilant about them.

Do everything you can to make her respect your boundaries (except physically hurting her).

A crucial learning point is becoming comfortable with tension.

 

See what happens. Maybe she will move out because she can't stand you, or you get kicked out. Or maybe you both can develop a wonderful and deep friendship. Where you are both authentic and learned something.

 

Or you could just move out now, nothing wrong with that.

do you have any more info/sources/practices for the people pleasing stuff.

i've read "not nice" which was decent

Edited October 10, 2021 by PurpleTree

[Sempiternity]

On 10/6/2021 at 9:50 PM, Matt23 said:

@Sempiternity  How many places and people have you lived with?  What has your history, background, and experience been like?  How old are you?  I ask since I guess I trust someone's advice more if they have more life experience.  No offence meant.  

I'm 46. I've had about 8 different roommates at different living situations. Most were tolerable, a couple were complete nightmares. One got a big dog without asking, and let it shit and piss on the carpet, and would scream and curse at me when I told her it was unacceptable. She stayed for another month after me telling her she needed to leave. I had to replace all the carpet, costing $2000. Unless you know the person well beforehand, it's always a crapshoot. People can lie in roommate interviews, and can put on a good act for awhile, but their true nature will always eventually come out. Best to either live with close friends, were you already know the type of person they are, or try to live alone. 

[Dabidoe]

I'm in a similar boat to you as well and debating moving out. I am used to living alone and at first enjoyed having more people around (I work alone too which gets isolating) but one of my roommates recently pulled some really passive aggresive BS which has really bothered me. I genuinely try to be nice to the guy and he doesn't respond or communicate but has all these expectations that I'm supposed to read his mind. 

 I think as the user universe pointed out people pleasing seems to be one of the root problems in both of our cases. Maybe this will be a good challenge for both of us to 'experiment' with how people pleasing is affecting us and develop a deeper awareness of it. Using a little external adversity to force us to confront parts of ourselves that we hide away seems like a worthy challenge. (I also need to work on my temper about the situation but that's me lol)