Sahaja Siddha Yoga - A Meditation Journal

[Shambhu]

For over a decade, I have practiced a somewhat rare form of meditation.  My original guru called it Shaktipat Kundalini Yoga, Sahaja Yoga, or simply Surrender Meditation.  My current guru calls it Sahaja Siddha Yoga, which can be translated as "Naturally Perfecting Yoga."  I thought I would start a thread that documented some of my early experiences and conversations with my original guru, which took place over a few months following my initiation , so that others can see what type of experiences are possible with meditation.   None of these experiences indicate any spiritual attainments; they are just part of the process, which can vary from one person to another.  I would also like to point out that none of these experiences are the goal of meditation, only side effects.  One last note, the examples below typically happen in the beginning or middle, but not so much toward the end of the path.  Eventually, it evolves into something quite different.

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FEBRUARY 5, 2012 AT 11:09 AM

Dear Durga Ma,

For the past two days, I have increased my meditation to two hours. I am experiencing fewer asanas, pranayama, and mudras, but I am shifting into a dream state more frequently. Also, I have this experience that to me feels like an (energy) egg breaking and the contents running down my body. Sometimes it also starts low and runs up my body. It is both subtle and pleasant.

This morning I became cold and uncomfortable, so I willfully wrapped myself in a blanket and changed positions. I felt guilty for not maintaining pure surrender, but I tried to abandon my sense of defeat to God and simply return to my meditation. After that I fell into a deep sleep. I usually dream in black and white, but I suddenly realized I was seeing everything in vivid color. It was like I was looking at a brilliant movie screen. I became lucid and spent some time mesmerized at random images appearing before my eyes. I started flying between buildings in what I believed was New York at night. Then I had this sensation that I was separating from my body, and I became frightened. I tried to move my body in order to wake up, but I couldn’t. A few moments later my timer went off, and I was perfectly awake and able to move about.

Some times I wonder if I’m simply having a common dream or if something more unique is taking place during my meditation. Today felt different, even if I don’t know the meaning.

Love,
Shambhu

Isn’t the mind fascinating? You were surrendered in meditation, and because you were cold and did something about it you thought you were using your will. The feelings of guilt and defeat were also just mental kriyas. The experiences you had after this were produced by surrender. The sensation of separating from your body was probably caused not so much by becoming separated, but by returning to the body from that little jaunt you took to New York. The images before that may suggest an early stage of samadhi. Your meditation is going very well. — Love, Durga Ma

FEBRUARY 25, 2012 AT 4:26 PM

Dear Durga Ma,

I am continuing to spend two hours each morning in meditation; the time seems to be equally spent between activity and nidra. Most of the activity is mudras and contractions in the abdomen and chest. Often I will fall into a sleeping state only to be awaken by kryias or pranayamas. Several times I have had experiences like I explained previously were I become immobile or can only move with great difficulty (only to later discover I didn’t actually move at all). This morning I had three terrifying dreams while meditating. Then I had the experience were I couldn’t move, and I even found it difficult to breath. I realized that I wasn’t in my physical body and that there was no need to breath, so I relaxed and let things naturally unfold. At one point I saw frightening images (distorted faces) and symbols. I reminded myself that I was in God’s hands and continued to surrender to the Absolute. Since my meditation this morning I have felt completely exhausted. I even had some caffeine, which I rarely drink anymore, and I still feel like I can’t fully wake up. I am committed to my sadhana (I even with I could devote more time), but I still have doubts or guilt at times. My mind questions if I have surrendered enough, if I am sleeping too much, if I should be sleeping more, etc. Logically, I know it is only thoughts without any basis in reality, but they are present just the same. It is like you have said, this practice is both easy and hard. It requires no effort, but you don’t always know what the Divine is up to. Regardless, I trust both God and guru, for they are the same.

Love,
Shambhu

Thank you for sharing this, Shambhu. I am sure that many practitioners of this sadhana will run into things of this sort. This sadhana is not for the faint-hearted. It is for the spiritual adventurer who is hungry enough for Truth/the Absolute to put up with a few unfamiliar or unexplainable things happening in meditation (they have a way of becoming understood after the fact, sooner or later). I see these kinds of experiences as auspicious in spite of any confusion or doubt, especially when that practitioner is resolved to continue with such faith and trust.
Love,
Durga Ma

FEBRUARY 25, 2012 AT 12:12 PM

Dear Durga Ma,

Thank you for that reply. My resolve is firm. I once asked you how far I can go with this, and you told me, “All the way.” I believed you, and I won’t stop short of the Absolute Truth.

Love,
Shambhu

MARCH 13, 2012 AT 11:50 AM

Dear Durga Ma,

I’m persisting each day with 2 hours of meditation. Movement continues to dissolve into stillness, with only a quiver every now and again. Occasionally, I experience very lucid dreams. The last such encounter started by the sensation that my body was rotating on the floor. At the time, I actually believed that this was physically taking place. I even thought I heard the sound of the blanket underneath me being moved; I was afraid that the noise from the rustling fabric would wake my wife in a nearby room. After my body ceased from spinning, a strong vibration coursed through the center of my body; afterwords, I felt my whole being continue to shake. I then realized that I was no longer in a normal waking state. With some difficulty, I moved around and even opened an adjacent door. Once I was convinced that this was a dream of an unusual sort, I cried out to God for the direct experience of Truth. The memory of the event is fading, but the cry is growing stronger.

One of the most difficult aspect of this meditation for me is not always knowing what is or is not taking place. Sometimes I feel as if I should be experiencing more of this or less of that; the devil is in the mind. I feel guilt for not achieving expectations that have no basis in reality; the devil is in the mind. In the midst of all this, the cry to God rises from deep within. “I don’t care about what I experience or don’t experience; give me Truth.” My body lies still, but I feel energy moving head to toe and from sole to crown. I face doubt, guilt, and disappointment…the cry grows louder. I feel defeated, abandoned, and alone…the cry grows louder still. My timer chimes; I give thanks, and I wonder what lies ahead…

Love,
Shambhu

Well, Shambhu, you are certainly on board! Welcome to a very small group of like-minded, devil-minded seekers wondering where we are in all this, crying out to God for more, and so on. I have been crying out — literally — in my “sleep” and waking myself up with all the racket. The other night I had two dreams (the content of which I remember absolutely nothing) in which I understood these dreams while I was still “sleeping” and twice (once for each dream) woke myself up ecstatically announcing, “I’m married to God! I’m really and truly married to God! I’ve always been married to God! I’ll always be married to God!” and “Jaya Ma! Jaya Ma!”

I was wondering . . . that whole spinning thing is very familiar to me and what I was wondering was if this was itself a direct experience that may not have seemed to be, because the content of the experience did not seem like “God”, i.e., spinning, the sound of moving blankets, wife next door, etc. Or maybe you were just really spinning and doing it out of body. Ah, sweet yogic dreams. Let yourself be inspired by these experiences. God, Divine Mother, is behind all this.

Love,
Durga Ma

MARCH 13, 2012 AT 12:40 PM

Dear Durga Ma,

Thank you for your words; they are always full of encouragement. This experience of spinning has manifested more than once, and it usually precedes a lucid dream, as does the experience of vibrations and shaking. The first time was frightening, as many new and usual experiences have been, but I am continually learning to trust God. The Absolute is at work, and it’s work is perfection.

Love,
Shambhu

APRIL 13, 2012 AT 7:22 AM

Dear Durga Ma,

I continue to spend 2 hours in sahaja meditation each morning. I am considering changing my meditation time to the two hours before I retire at night. It seems that people are starting to rise in my house at an earlier hour, and it provides more noise for distraction. Also, my wife will be out of town this weekend, so I am giving some serious thought to spending more than two hours in meditation for the next two days, unless you advise otherwise.

Movement is continuing to diminish during meditation, with only a shake, stretch, or occasional mudra appearing throughout. Part of the time is almost always spent in sleep, but I find that the unusual dream states I described previously are happening less frequently. Now, most dreams appear to me as the typical variety. I do feel a constant wave of “energy” washing over my body during meditation. It moves up and down and from left to right; it is very pleasant, and it reminds me of the “chills” I experienced when involved with the Pentecostal church. My mind is still active, but not as chaotic as it once was. Also, my thoughts have become more inquisitive. By that I mean, I am noticing where my awareness is flowing from and where it is flowing to; then I inquire into the what and the why of the mental activity. This is also true of my time outside of meditation. It’s not that I’m making a special effort to question these things. It just feels natural.

When I’m not meditating, I find that I am working to organize my life to optimize those times that I am in meditation. Those two hours in the morning are the most exciting, anticipated, important times of my day.

JUNE 5, 2012 AT 7:35 AM

Dear Durga Ma,

I haven’t shared lately, but this morning I felt like it was time. I have gained a great deal of encouragement and insight from this site, and I hope that by sharing my experience others will benefit as well.

For the past month or more my meditation has been compromised mostly if not completely of sleep. At times the sleep is so deep that I find it difficult to be aroused. Often there are dreams, but they seem common enough. Sometimes I feel the movement of energy flowing through my body, and just as often I hear my heart cry out to God. My mind accuses me of failure, and in
darkness I ask for grace.

OF course, everything is just as it should be, and I have God’s grace in you. There is no experience more proper for me to have than the one that is before me, and the truest part of me knows the joy of both the bitter and the sweet. It is all the play of the Divine.

Love,
Shambhu

JULY 28, 2012 AT 9:14 AM

Dear Durga Ma,

It has been a while since I shared, and this morning it felt like it was time again.

For the past week I have been experiencing a great number and variety of pranayamas and some very strong experiences of kumbhakas. The holds are definitely more powerful than I have experienced in the past. There are also some facial grimacing and pressure in the forehead region. The experience of “energy” traveling through my body is less pronounced and nidra is less predominant, but some time is still spent in sleep. I don’t discern anything noteworthy of the dreams when they occur. Aside from the physical phenomenon, and perhaps even greater in terms of intensity, I am experiencing a very deep and powerful longing for God. It’s like being separated from a lover who desperately desire to be reunited with. This emotion arises almost immediately when I enter my mediation, and it endures through most of my time there. It drives me very close to tears, and it even reappears to a lesser degree throughout the day. Additionally, there is some spontaneous inquiry taking place. I’m facing things I’ve become identified with, thinking they were me. Intellectually, I thought I knew better, but in practical application, I was falling into old traps.

I rest in the grace of God and Guru, and I pray for continued grace to surrender more fully, love more completely, and to know the truth directly.

Love,
Shambhu

[Consilience]

This is an extremely interesting journal. I've been meditating 2 hours per day for the past year as well as having gone on 4 meditation retreats, 9, 11, 8, and 14 day retreat and it's been an absolutely absurd and wild journey. In some ways, very similar to some of the things you're describing and in other ways, very different. 

I read in another forum post you said this in reference to your meditation practice:

31 minutes ago, Shambhu said:

Things are much different now, but no less fascinating ;-)

I'm curious if you'd be willing to share how things are different now, how your practice is going, etc.  

Either way, thank you for sharing these reports. Really cool to see another serious practitioner on this forum. 

[Shambhu]

@Consilience Although I have done Mahamudra and Dzogchen retreats, my primary practice for more than a decade has been Sahaja Siddha Yoga, so I will restrict my comments to my experiences within that tradition.

Forgive me if I use technical Yoga jargon, but it's the language I am comfortable with and that I use to communicate with my teachers and fellow students.  I can clarify any terms if necessary.  Also, forgive me for the length of this post :-)

Before I talk more about my personal experiences, let me lay some ground work in Yoga theory.  I would also like to make a distinction between the school I belong to and most other schools.  This is not in any a way a judgement of which is better, only a critical point in how I practice.  Typically, Yoga is taught as a series of willful techniques.  The guru provides instructions, and the student follows to the best of their ability.  As the sadhaka progresses, corrections are made, techniques are modified, and new teachings are given.  In the tradition I belong to, the Guru awakens the prana shakti through a look, touch, or mantra (or a combination of them).  Once the prana shakti is awakened, the sadhaka surrenders it to God in meditation.  Everything that follows is spontaneous.  All asanas, pranayamas, mudras, bandhas, etc happen without the willful effort of the sadhaka.  Whatever is required for progress happens happens naturally, in the correct sequence, and to appropriate degree.  Now on to the theory.

Yoga is divided into 4 broad categories, Mantra, Laya, Hatha, and Raja.  Mantra Yoga is the joining of Ham and Sa, or the in and out breaths.  Once the breath is flowing equally through both nostrils, it is said that the sushumna, or central energy channel, has awakened.  Hatha Yoga is the uniting of the Ha and Tha, or the sun and moon.  This refers to the prana (sun) and apana (moon) that flows through the ida and pingala channels, which flank the sushumna on the left and right.  Laya Yoga brings the bindu and nada together (mind and sound), and finally, in Raja Yoga the jivatman and Paratman become one. 

In the early stages of Yoga sadhana, as illustrated in my original post, the ida and pingala nadis are being purified.  The prana and apana that flows through them cannot join together and enter the sushumna until that process has completed.  You may wonder what is being cleared from the nadis.  It is the sanchit karmas from previous lives.  During this phase, sadhakas can experience many various kriyas (spontaneous actions).  One will laugh and another will cry.  Some roll their head around their shoulders, and others roll their bodies along the floor.  Everyone experiences something different according to their past life karmas.  This is all part of the purification process.  

Even though different people have different experiences initially, as they progress, the experiences become more common and systematic.  At a certain stage, everyone passes through the same asanas, pranayamas, bandhas, mudras, etc, all in the same order.  Ultimately, everyone passes beyond the external rites and enter the internal limbs of Yoga.  On a side note, Yoga is not only a life long project, it is a LIVES long process, so some stages can seem to be skipped, but they may have been accomplished previously, in another life time.  

Now, I will share some of the experiences I have had beyond year one of my sadhana.  I cannot provide a complete account, since I didn't recorded every incident, and much has been forgotten.  There are also some kriyas that are considered "concealed" from non-practitioners, so I cannot reveal those.  I will attempt to at least cover the broad strokes.  Going into my second year, I began to enter a state that was not waking, dreaming or deep sleep.  I would lose complete consciousness of the external world.  There would be no dreams, but it wasn't a complete void either.  There were some faint cognitions, but there was no sense that "I was thinking."  All egoic consciousness was absent.  Most every meditation session was the same, and I would fall into this state almost instantly.  This actually went on for a number of years.  It was a very difficult time; I felt like a complete failure.  Where were the exciting kriyas that I had experienced before?  I now believe this stage was an experience of tandra, but I'm not entirely sure.  Eventually, physically kriyas began to return.  At first there were mostly hand mudras or jerks of the head.  Then I began to naturally sit in Siddhasana pose.  Moolabandha Bandha became quite frequent at this stage.  It was followed by Uddiyana Bandha, and then by Jalandhara Bandha.  Finally, all three would be held together, along with breath retention.  This was very intense, and it would be accompanied by a tremendous amount of energy flowing through my body.  At times is seemed overwhelming.  I relayed this to a teacher under my guru who pointed me to the Yoga scriptures.  Everything was outlined there in perfect detail, all in the correct order.  Shortly after this (maybe 3-6 months), I began to experience Kechari Mudra.  This is where the tongue turns back and enters the nasopharynx.  It didn't happen all at once, but it didn't take long either.  Once the tongue was fully situated in the nasopharynx, I experienced complete thoughtlessness for the first time.  I was totally aware of everything in my body and environment, but the mind was absolutely still.  It is around this time that I began to experience "nada."  This is a sound that originates internally, without any external cause.  I hear it constantly, like a high pitched buzzing.  This has been ongoing for over two years now.  

There have been other kriyas along the way, some are mental rather than physical, and some are even emotional.  There have been changes in thinking, desiring, and lifestyle choices, all naturally and without volition.  Some of the more recent experiences are still too "fresh" to speak about.  I feel like I need to digest them more before sharing.  There is no doubt that I have omitted things, mostly out of a lapse in memory, but I will gladly answer any questions that you may have.

[kieranperez]

@Shambhu who is your guru?

[Shambhu]

@kieranperez My original guru, who gave me shaktipat initiation, was a women named Durga Ma.  She was a disciple of Yogeshwar Muni (Charles Berner), who invented the Enlightened Intensive.  They belonged to the Swami Kripalu Yoga lineage.  She has passed on now, but you can still find some of her writings here: https://mysticaltidbits.com/

Next, I studied under Sri Ramakant Maharaj, who was a disciple of Nisargadatta Maharaj.  He has also passed on.

Now my living guru is Sri Punitachariji Maharaj.  His website is http://www.sahajyoga.org/

[Consilience]

@Shambhu Thank you, sincerely. And I actually appreciate you using technical yoga language. 

A few questions that come to mind

1) What do you think drew you to this form of yoga vs. a more buddhist oriented path?

2) What you’re describing with the kriyas I interpret as massive amounts of purification taking place. Im curious, are you sympathetic to the teachers/teachings that say all of the purification is not needed, what is true is already true right now and therefore requires nothing but the realization. 

It’s interesting your original guru worked with Charles Berner. Peter Ralston also worked directly with Berner, but is very much in the position that enlightenment is not process oriented whatsoever. You either get it, or you don’t. If I tried to make a case for purification, he’d probably laugh at me and brush it off. 

So yeah just curious what you’re thoughts on this topic are.

3) From your report and response, it sounds like your main meditation technique at this point is full on surrender. It sounds very similar to shikantaza, from the soto zen tradition. Would this be an accurate interpretation of your “technique”, or am I wildly off the mark… 

[kieranperez]

1 hour ago, Consilience said:

Im curious, are you sympathetic to the teachers/teachings that say all of the purification is not needed, what is true is already true right now and therefore requires nothing but the realization. 

So far as there is a process then purification literally is the path. None of these things are absolute or set in stone. No, you don’t need to because what’s already true is what’s already true. And yet there is also a process. 

It’s true, chakras and all this stuff have nothing to do with the absolute. In yet purification of the body/mind also helps. It helps when most of your focus isn’t lost in thoughts about pussy or your favorite tv show. 

1 hour ago, Consilience said:

Peter Ralston also worked directly with Berner, but is very much in the position that enlightenment is not process oriented whatsoever. You either get it, or you don’t.

And Peter is right. Plenty of teachers that even facilitate a spiritual process would agree on this point. Peter actually does facilitate certain processes. What do you all this emphasis is on honesty and experiencing all these other aspects of self, mind, principles, and so forth is? He just doesn’t facilitate people in the form of a belief system but helps people actually experience this stuff. 

@Shambhu nice to see some actual lineage on the forum finally. Careful though, there’s been a lot of corruption in that one like people Muktananda and Gurumayi

[Shambhu]

@Consilience

1 hour ago, Consilience said:

1) What do you think drew you to this form of yoga vs. a more buddhist oriented path?

It feels like it chose me, if I'm being honest.  I grew up in the Pentecostal church, so I was familiar with the phenomenon of spontaneous movements.  When I discovered this form of Yoga, it just felt like home.  

Back in 2010, I had done several Enlightenment Intensives where I directly experienced the truth of Who and What I am.  It's not hyperbole when I say it completely changed the course of my life.   The problem though was that I could not retain the peace and joy that came with those realizations.  For a few weeks after a retreat, I would feel the absolute perfection of existence.  Nothing would bother me, and I could easily rest in my own true nature.  Then inevitably, things would begin to nag me again.  I would get angry or upset.  I couldn't figure out what had changed.  I decided that I needed a spiritual practice to stabilize my realizations.  I tried Zen, but it didn't resonate.  I read books and attempted to figure things out on my own, but I quickly recognized the need for a teacher.  The Enlightenment Intensive had worked so well for me, I decided to see what practices the founder of the retreat used.  That's how I discovered Sahaja Yoga.

2 hours ago, Consilience said:

2) What you’re describing with the kriyas I interpret as massive amounts of purification taking place.

The purpose of kriyas is purification.  What is described as being purified varies between teachers.  Some say sanchit karma, some say prana, some say the mind, and all are correct.

2 hours ago, Consilience said:

Im curious, are you sympathetic to the teachers/teachings that say all of the purification is not needed, what is true is already true right now and therefore requires nothing but the realization. 

It’s interesting your original guru worked with Charles Berner. Peter Ralston also worked directly with Berner, but is very much in the position that enlightenment is not process oriented whatsoever. You either get it, or you don’t. If I tried to make a case for purification, he’d probably laugh at me and brush it off.

Whatever is true is true right now.  Nothing new is gained with realization, but something is lost.  To realize what is true in this moment, limiting beliefs and false concepts have to be discarded.  In the Enlightenment Intensive, which some of Peter's programs are based on, contemplation is the tool used to purify the mind enough so that a breakthrough can occur.  @kieranperez said the same basic thing.  Even more importantly is the purification that is needed to abide as the truth.  The classic yogic texts all echo the same idea, both jnana and yoga are required for moksha.  Even Sri Shankaracharya said that if you cannot grasp Vedanta then more Hatha is required.  

Charles Berner, later known as Yogeshwar Muni, had many enlightenment experiences, but he was astute enough to see that chasing more and more peak experiences could not result in full enlightenment.  That is why he sought out a teacher, and after meeting Swami Kripalu, he found what he was looking for.  He spent the remainder of his life performing Yoga sadhana for 10 hours a day.

The gradual vs sudden enlightenment argument is a very old one, and both sides are true from a perspective.  I say get it if you can get it.  If you can't get it right away, then keep trying.

3 hours ago, Consilience said:

3) From your report and response, it sounds like your main meditation technique at this point is full on surrender. It sounds very similar to shikantaza, from the soto zen tradition. Would this be an accurate interpretation of your “technique”, or am I wildly off the mark… 

Yes, my sadhana is complete surrender.  

2 hours ago, kieranperez said:

Careful though, there’s been a lot of corruption in that one like people Muktananda and Gurumayi

Kripalu and Muktananda are different branches of the Siddha tree, but yes, we always have to be careful of corruption.

[kieranperez]

@Shambhu do you get to work with your teacher in person? How do you receive Shaktipat? Do you and your teacher live in the US?

[Shambhu]

30 minutes ago, kieranperez said:

@Shambhu do you get to work with your teacher in person? How do you receive Shaktipat? Do you and your teacher live in the US?

@kieranperez I was very close to my original guru, Durga Ma.  I received shaktipat diksha in her home.  She is no longer with us physically, but yes, we both were located in the US.

My second teacher, Sri Ramakant Maharaj, was located in India, and I spent time with him there.  He has also passed on.

My current living guru, Sri Punitachariji Mahara, is also in India.  I have not had the opportunity to take his physical darshan, but I have spent time in the home of his authorized teacher in the UK.  He presents my questions to the guru when he visits the ashram.  I have also done live zoom sessions with my current guru.

[Shambhu]

As a side note, it was Durga Ma that gave me the name Shambhu.

[Shambhu]

@Consilience and @kieranperez

Since you have interest in EI's and meditation, you might find "The Enlightenment Teachings of Yogeshwar Muni" an interesting read.  It is a collection of talks by Yogeshwar Muni (Charles Berner), divided into two parts about Enlightenment Intensives and Sahaja Yoga meditation.

https://smile.amazon.com/dp/0974410675/ref=cm_sw_r_tw_dp_R4VCQ1QZGRJSPHGAGQYA

[Consilience]

2 hours ago, Shambhu said:

@Consilience and @kieranperez

Since you have interest in EI's and meditation, you might find "The Enlightenment Teachings of Yogeshwar Muni" an interesting read.  It is a collection of talks by Yogeshwar Muni (Charles Berner), divided into two parts about Enlightenment Intensives and Sahaja Yoga meditation.

https://smile.amazon.com/dp/0974410675/ref=cm_sw_r_tw_dp_R4VCQ1QZGRJSPHGAGQYA

Really interesting. Thank you so much for sharing, and again just thank you for sharing your experiences with this post’s detailed responses.