Beautiful Solipsism

[QandC]

Yesterday I had one of my most intense awakening experiences so far. First of all I just wanna say that I am extremely happy that I have continued this work and that I didn't give up. Been meditating, experimenting with psychedelics and doing self-enquiry for about 5 years now, and obviously my best experiences have always been when I've taken psychedelics.

I will try to describe my experience in a good way, but the words might sound cliché at times but really there is no other way to describe it...

So yesterday I did magic mushrooms, first time in a while. My biggest problem is that I have let fear control me way too much when it comes to my experiences. I have always wanted to have control over the situation at hand, and have never allowed my ego to fully dissolve because of this. But this time I told myself that I was not gonna cave in, knowing that I will not die from this, no matter how intense it gets, I will eventually return back to ego-state and gain control.

With this mindset in mind I just let myself go and did a normal dose of psilocybin semilanceata (growing quite close to where I live actually lol) and since I am quite sensitive to psychedelics and I didn't have any tolerance, I got really blown away. At first I started to feel the normal effects, more intense colors, music sounds lovely, increasing happiness (while still a bit anxious), and then after about 2,5 hrs. something very strange happened...

It was like I was sucked into a form of "vacuum" where time just stood still, in fact everything stood still. I have never experienced this type of stillness ever in my entire life, and to be honest it felt suffocating as fuck. Imagine that you have like a "universal remote control" and you press pause, and everything just freezes around you except for you. Difficult to describe, but anyways, after this I started to do my regular do-nothing meditation trying not to cave into the fear & just letting myself go. By doing this the "vacuum" became my entire experience. This included all of my senses, and the entire experience of life became just one point of stillness. 

Realizing this I understood that "Me" and/or "everything else" is a duality. I knew this theoretically but this was the first time I really grasped it. I felt like all of experience HAS to be who I am, and that can only be the thing that exists. All sounds, all thoughts, all that I see and can feel, is all there is. When have I ever experienced anything outside of consciousness? Perhaps consciousness has to be everything then, how can it actually be anything else? At the same time questions like these were boiling up, many "doubts" arose as well. My struggle before has been to counter these doubts like "but what about the brain, what about birth, what about evolution, what about science blabla", but the only thing that really had to happen was that these thoughts were a part of consciousness and i.e were totally meaningless. They meant NOTHING in this state. It was so obvious because consciousness HAS to be everything there is. And since it's all there is then all separation, dualities and labels evaporate, they just become a funciton of the mind for the ego to guide itself toward survival.

So with these "doubts" out of the way I was finally able to go into what I really wanted, the realisation of Love. Unfortunately, I did not realize this. In fact my definition of what Love even was had dissolved to the point where the entire meaning of what Leo usually talks about became a strange concept. So I wondered, "then why is all of consciousness love?" and the only answer I could find was just "because God is so fucking giving". God gave this to my ego, this life and this experience. In fact I gave it to myself. 

After some intellectual bullshitting without any real substance to it, because I didn't see the point, I just embraced the experience completely and what I experienced was just a total, absolute f*cking infinite void of "me". What I thought of as Me was just the experience of life, that was it. There was nothing and no one else ever, and that was totally fine because acceptance itself allowed it to be true. A sort of beautiful solipsism.

 

I am kinda shaken by the experience because now it feels like I've retreated to something where I don't really belong, this extremely limited sense of self. Mind you that my experience of "everything is me" was not the same feeling as "ego is me" but rather a totally obvious acceptance of what was, and how could it be anything but Me since this is all there is? 

I was disappointed though that "Love/Full God realization" didn't really happen. However it still felt like there was nothing more to realize, but I guess that's just bs, and the true journey for me starts now-

Don't know if this post belongs to a different thread, just wanted to share my experience. 

Edited October 5, 2021 by QandC

[impulse9]

Congrats. Sounds like a good experience.

[Leo Gura]

2 hours ago, QandC said:

I was disappointed though that "Love/Full God realization" didn't really happen.

Don't worry. It will come if you keep digging deeper. This was just an intro trip. You still have yet to integrate those basics before more advanced truths can be revealed.

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However it still felt like there was nothing more to realize

Hahahaha...

You have only scratched the surface.

Keep going. Slow but steady.

God and Love lie ahead.

[QandC]

Thanks!