In Pain

[Striving for more]

I met some cool people & had a good event but I took to long to book, so I Missed out. 

Then I felt fomo & felt like shit. 

I finally found a city I really like enough to live where I could settle, except Im not even legally a citizen so I have to leave very soon, 

So by the time I connect with cool people I have to leave already. 

Because Im so disorganized, I didn't spent the last months resolving this issue. 

& In truth Im so un strategic still, I still always make the wrong decisions, & fail to hear my intution, and i take too long. 

And my timing is off, not just in general life, but socially, with women , with  investing with everything.

I'd never complain about the oppurtunites I've had but Im in pain that I still fuck them up. 

And Im getting older & I smoke again now even though Id quit & I drink too often & its aging my skin & Im getting old & looking old already & still stuck focusing on shit I shoulda sorted out like 5 years ago. 

And it feels just pathetic, like by the time I get any where i wanna be I'll already be old, already be past it. 

I should'nt have gone out tonight cos I know my mood was off & even then I picked the wrong group & didnt listen to my intution because the other group had just girls and she gave me that more interested possibly sexual look & I didnt listen to it because my brain always does the wrong thing. 

And I spent money again for no reason & My room mate offered cocaine so I took some becasue my mind tricked me to think it was a good idea & I felt good for 20 minutes then I felt like shit and still do but Im not even tired even though I need rest so now I cant sleep & I have to wake up in this dirty shared space again because i cant get a place because I didnt sort my legal status & can't even stay long enough to rent and hotels I can't afford. 

Fuck. 

These arent the worst problems. It's just there all self created, I allowed them to occur & persist.

It's just why the fuck are they still there, I feel ike I'm too old to still be this useless, still have these petty unecessary problems. 

And I wasted like a whole week seeing this fat girl & she werent even worth it but I broke down & wen vulnerable for her because I felt like she was a friend even though she was fat & I deserved better I felt like we connected & the bitch stole my shit, I trusted her & stole my shit & it was like $500, and I carefuly shopped to get comfortable cotton clothing every garment & some fucker stole it all because Im clumsy & I lose & leave it & im careless & recklass & everything is still a grind. 

& I watched leos strategic mofo vid like 10 times & I still don't apply none of it, I rememver taking notes multiple times, Im so unstrategic.

I just wish I found this place 7 years ago, and was at this point 5 years ago, because I dont wanna be here any more, I want to just feel life as a flow & stop making it hard on myself & I want to see actual results & I don't want to sabotage no more, & I really don't want to go home, & I dont even have a home anymore but I dont even wanna speak to my father again, too much resentment, I will always see him as my shadow of an unfulfilled man, how his energy leached & sucked me dry as a kid, his lack of enthusiasm, his lack of self actualization. 

And I fucked this year up so much although Im pretty lucky, I did well with my investments but then I still squandared so much, I could've got so much more out of my time & fell for al lthe same traps again & imitated the wrong people & chased the wrong girls, & went to the right places at the wrong time, & lost so much time being stuck in my insecurities, lost so many weeks of this precious season. 

And I'm so attached to life & I need to win quick cos I dont wanna win old, I dont even wanna live to be old, I dont even wanna live past 35. 

And my teeth are yellow again even though I paid to whiten them & now I'm just rambling again & again stuck in my head. 

To reiterate I have full gratitude for the card I was dealt,... but I fucking hate myself for continually playing the wrong hand.

So many fucking times I got so close to winning, to getting somewhere, with a girl, with money, with investing, with my lifestyle, with a new friendship group, with travelling, but I always fuck it up just before the momentum takes off, It's like I create the perfect engine, the perfect pilot & aerial technology & build the perfect plane, then as it starts to finish taking off, after all that energy, I throw a bomb into the plane & boom, everything goes to waste, so far has that sadly always been my life, It's like playing jenga just to throw the blocks down.

And now I can't sleep yet again, I lie down feeling so frustrated again, so lost again, with even more pressure & stress, more problems, less money & even more regrets. 

 

Edited October 2, 2021 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

So much of my potential I have wasted, so much time I have spent in Traps. 

It rots me inside because since a kid I was always so ambitious, I always wanted to win, I always wanted the attention, always wanted the girls affection, always wanted to be the boss. 

I have to be the boss. I have to get there quick. I have to get agressive & maybe Ill brake the law this time, because its that or depression, maybe I have to play dirty a little, with myself & with others. Maybe I need some shortcuts, but that combine with killer hard work & still providing value, like Elon Musk, value provider, but dirty  value provider, brake the rules harder, brake some border laws, brake some legal rules, tax rules, get into some syndicates, go underground a little, play tricks a little, smarten up, toughen up, sharpen up like razor blade.

I have to get there quicker than it should take, I need the fast train, the fast lane. 

Edited October 2, 2021 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

I KNOW I DESEVER A 9. 

I KNOW I DESERVE TO TRANSCEND THE RULES & SOCITIES NORMS

I KNOW I DESERVE TO BECOME THE BOSS. 

NOT YET, 

THE DESERVING IS TO BE EARNED. 

BUT I KNOW IT IS JUST WAITING. 

I HAVE TO HARNESS THE PAIN NOT HIDE IT

HARNESS THE PAIN & THE REGRET & THE FRUSTRATION. 

FUCK THIS FORUM. FUCK EVERYONE IN THE WORLD, ACCEPT MY DOG & I MISS U PUP, & MY CAT I MISS U. YOU GUYS NEVER DID NOTHING WRONG, YOU NEVER CHEATED ME, UNLIKE A BITCH, UNLIKE DADDY COROPORATE BOSS, UNLIKE CORPORATIONS, UNLIKE BORDER FORCE & UNLIKE THE FEDERAL AGENTS, UNLIKE THE FOOD INDUSTRY & UNLIKE THE,

FUCK THE WORLD, THE WORLD IS MINE. 

 

Edited October 2, 2021 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

I go sleep for I am becoming incomprehensible, i am becoming jelly, i am talking to distract myself from the fact that I FUCKED UP AGAIN, MADE THE SAME MISTAKES YET AGAIN, FOUND TRAPS YET AGAIN, THE SAME TRAPS, NEW TRAPS, TRAPS TRAPS. 

I LEAVE. IM GETTING OLD, REJUIVNATE ME, REBIRTH ME AGAIN, BORN AGAIN, ICE BATH ME FOR 10 HOURS 

[Striving for more]

I am now literally, physically IN PAIN. 

Now I tried shadow boxing in the mirror, and I couldn't do it, I couldn't even move my thighs & hips to get any motion in to the punch at all, like being a disabled old man. 

I am a massive idiot! But I am also lucky I didn't crack my skull, or my spine, only my buttocks, upper thighs, lower back. 

It's that blend of arrogance & cult like love for adrenaline that made me cycle so fast in the rain without a helmet, I normally don't crash & my coordination & athleticism is too good right, might as well go home like bat man right. 

Well now I can barely bend down, I can't exercize and I'm in constant pain. 

I have to drink what I have left because I don't have pain killers. 

But the pain is nothing to me, I don't care, but if I can't walk properly for another 12 weeks then fuck I care about that, I've had that already this year & I can't deal with it again, too much time lost, I won't be able to game or play soccer, say goodbye to many of my goals. Sure there may be some "good" that comes from it, but I'm not sure if now is the time for an injury, the oppurtunity costs feels to severe. 

I pray that I have a minor injury, I pray but I crashed the floor so hard, I could've easily gone 15-25MPH , on that hard floor, I'm not sure how much force that would equate to & how sensitive these areas are.

Now I'm back here again realizing how much I take everything for granted, yet again. So I was Complaining about flaws or "Problems" that, when put in perspective, are nothing compared to being immobile. 

Fuck. Do I ever learn anything?

Edited October 4, 2021 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

It's moments like these that I wish I had a nice girl. 

A cute, feminine, nurturing girlfriend, brining me a delicious meal in bed & kissing me, cuddling me, then gazing me with her beautiful dark eyes to soothe the pain away. 

* This would get boring eventually but for moments like these, I don't just wanna be on the internet & shit. 

Edited October 4, 2021 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

my head is fucked right now. 

My head is like completely shut down. 

I can't focus or receive any positive information, too much black pill, too many years of being in my head. 

I have to change this. 

I feel really fucked in the head. 

I need positive thoughts & emotions, I just need to be in a productive state again. Something needs to change in my psyche. I constantly feel shit 24/7 & I was in denial about it because I masking it via drinking & partying (- the getting girls part)

I think about women too much, i can't focus on anything my head is fucked. 

I think about  money too much but not in a healthy way, I'm afraid of money, I don't feel like i deserve money & this always becomes a self fulfilling prophecy ..

I actually have the oppurtunities to create lasting wealth for myself with enough effort but i need to believe I deserve it first. 

I just need to find some appropriate positive friends who will get me out my head. 

finding the RIGHT friends feels hard, I can't be friends with people having the same problems, i need encouraging friends. 

 

Edited October 4, 2021 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

Wrote a long post then deleted it. 

Fuck the b.s ... TDLR = I feel like total shit, sleep deprived & struggling mentaly. 

Fuck it, work is the only solution, I'll work my ass of anyway, in spite of that I feel shameful, weak, ungrateful, neurotic, disappointed, stressed, foggy, unbalanced, unstrategic, obssessive. 

I'll still try work & build a dream life, I can always just jump off a bridge if there's no way out, but the time hasn't come for that yet. 

There's more left in me, I think so. 

[Striving for more]

 

[Striving for more]

Not feeling good at this point, getting worse & worse mentally & I am so far away from repaying the sleep debt, & I keep messing shit up eating a fried burger & drinking beer before bed.

No I deleted my whole post, fuck this shit, my opinion doesn't mean shit, I'm a stupid & young guy with self caused mental health problems. What do I really have useuful to say, even just to myself. 

Erh, I should get laid or something. 

Then I should move to a better living place. 

Then I should find my inner drive again & drop  the deamons & depression. 

GET THE MONEY. PLEASE, FUTURE SELF, IMAGINE RICH ME, FUCK, OVERCOMPENSATE TO THE MOON WITH MONEY, FUCK. 

Edited October 7, 2021 by Striving for more

[Striving for more]

I feel so hollow & broken right now but I know it's a temporary feeling (Unless I just don't fucking work on myself more, then it will get worse lol... Obviously duh)

I won't call for sympathy hence why I writing this on the Journals, to be honest I feel pretty pathetic too. 

Almost wrote a long post again WHAT THE FUCK, this is literally worse than drinking, long rambling posts, my time is so valuable.  no I keep shit short from now on unless I genuinely have something really good to say that I thought about deeply. 

I'm gonna go outside & feel broken but feel into it & get it out the way quickly & then let my soul recover, then I will hopefully sleep & I will watch The last of us 1 or 2 scenes on youtube (My new hobbie, I love watching games like movies) ... I need a PS5, But now is not the time, I have bigger prioritees must resist it for now, soon come tho 

 

Edited October 7, 2021 by Striving for more