People Pleasing, What's Next?

[Martin123]

Yo
I realized that I'm a peoplepleaser. Or that I was.
The emotions I was running away from are being let go of, nearly finished with that.

Interesting is though
I have lost motivation to have social interactions, since it was based on the principle "get validaiton, be liked >>>reward". Now as I let go of the need to be liked, my whole motivational system needs to get rewired.

Anyone any experience with that, that I could learn from?
peace.

[Bob84]

@Martin123 Focus on what you want for yourself. And dont forget to be yourself and not who others want you to be.

Or lets say: self pleasing instead of people pleasing.

[Bebop]

@Martin123Yeah just be authentic and do what you want, it might take a little time to adjust to since you've probably always done things for the sake of protecting your self image. At least that's how it was for me. Also find people you resonate positively with, I found that I was around a lot of condescending people that caused my need to find validation due to low self esteem 

[Martin123]

@Bebop yeah one of my "aha" realizations was "why the fuck do I hang around theae people they give me nothing"

[ajasatya]

want to be your own pillar for motivation?

remember that you (as a person) are going to die. don't deceive yourself. then carry your own death with you 24/7.

what can you do about it?

[Martin123]

@ajasatya Im not in control of that.

[ajasatya]

@Martin123 good, but not so fast. don't be afraid.
what do you want for your life then?

[Martin123]

@ajasatya Peace of mind, emotional stability, being a positive force, and conscious loving home.
But even then, I will not say "now I am ready to die". In a way, the illusion of death should be acceptable at any given moment.

[Martin123]

@ajasatya In other words, I am not in a rush to get this. I will just wait for life to unfold itself in a natural way. When there will be action needed to take, I will be strongly motivated towards it just out of my own "gut feeling" and "desire to continue the flow".

[ajasatya]

2 minutes ago, Martin123 said:

@ajasatya Peace of mind, emotional stability, being a positive force, and conscious loving home.

that was honest, noble and straightforward. interesting.

[Martin123]

@ajasatya I suspect it is because those are the things I lacked in the past, so I am naturally motivated towards experiencing them. Only with one exception. The "being a positive force" has been always a no-brainer for me. I never even thought about working for myself as in getting money and good life for "myself" without having a positive impact. Now the question remains, is this a left-over people-pleasing instinct? Or is it an authentic value to build on.
But I worry not, it shall be answered when the time is right :-).

Thank you, you made me get my thoughts a little bit more straight.

[jjer94]

Yo Martin,

For more than a decade now, I've had the same exact problem. Through lots of introspection, what I've realized is that this mentality has wrapped its tentacles into every aspect of my life. It's not just the social life that's been affected; it's also career path, physical activity, familial relationships, general well-being, and pretty much everything else. All of these areas have been tainted with the idea that I somehow need to receive validation from others (external sources) in order to feel loved and not be abandoned. 

I don't know you or your situation, but you may want to look a little deeper to see how far down your people-pleasing rabbit hole goes. You may find that you still lie to yourself in many ways. Some questions to contemplate:

• Is your desire to be a "positive force" in the world less about helping others and more about wanting to be loved and appreciated?
• Do you have a tendency to try to "fix" other people? Have you ever considered that this is a method of masking your own perceived deficiencies?
• Do you isolate yourself (usually for spirituality purposes) and avoid conflict at all costs? Have you ever considered that is is a method of hiding perceived flaws and avoiding disapproval from others?
• Do you perform physical activities that you hate doing? Have you ever considered that this is because you want to look a certain way in order to receive approval from others?
• Do you believe it's selfish to put your needs first (spiritual belief of selflessness)? Have you ever considered that this is because you believe you are somehow defective or undeserving of love?

As you begin to dig yourself out of this mess, as you've done, you'll find that most of your friendships are not real friendships; they are covert contracts. You've been using them for validation, and they give it to you, even though you may not even actually like these so-called friends. As a result, you've felt generally alienated and unsatisfied. 

I have two book suggestions for you. One is No More Mr. Nice Guy! by Robert Glover. If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, this book will read like your autobiography. It's uncanny. In it, you'll find tools and action steps to transcending what the author calls the Nice Guy Syndrome. The second book is Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton. This one will give you tools and action steps on how to be more honest with yourself and with others. As they always say, the truth will set you free. A fair warning though, when you begin to cultivate honesty, it will feel as though you are committing suicide. In a sense, you are.

Lastly, some food for thought:

"You can't have social anxiety if you don't want anything from other people." --Benjamin Smythe

Cheers.