Does anyone regret cutting out family?

[soos_mite_ah]

Sometimes I wonder if my situation is bad enough to warrant completely walking away and sometimes I wonder if walking away would make me a leech of some sort (because my family raised me and physically provided for me for all these years it's like at the very least I owe them to call and keep contact). 

Do yall know of anyone who walked away from their family and then grew to regret their choice years later? 

[SLuxy]

@soos_mite_ah Yep. Its well documented that many regret it. However, stay with me.

I speak in reference to people who leave narcissistic parents. After going no contact (leaving fully), there's a sort of emotional cycle that the leaver goes through. It often will involve a profound regret at having left.

Now, that regret will pass, and it would likely be a very psychologically unhealthy move for the leaver to return. However, they may still feel regret.

 

I'll add something here about your predicament around leaving.

I understand your conflict, and confusion, to the extent that I can from text alone. It sounds like a very difficult place to be.

All I will say to finish are two things:

(1) Doctor Ramani's Youtube Channel may aid your decision making process

(2) I have seen numerous anecdotes on the internet about how their life truly began after going full no-contact. A part-humorous, more-so insightful metaphor for why that is the case, I'd perhaps think about what the nail could represent here:

Finally, I'll end with some words from Malcolm X. The context was certainly different, but it still certainly applies. I will never say,” he says, “that progress is being made. If you stick a knife in my back nine inches and pull it out six inches, there’s no progress. If you pull it all the way out, that’s not progress. The progress is healing the wound that the blow made. And they haven’t even begun to pull the knife out, much less,” he says, his smile returning, “heal the wound.” When the interviewer attempts to ask another question, the Black man declares, “they won’t even admit the knife is there.”

If the knife is still in there, can you begin to heal?

 

[soos_mite_ah]

3 hours ago, SLuxy said:

Now, that regret will pass, and it would likely be a very psychologically unhealthy move for the leaver to return. However, they may still feel regret.

I know that there is a whole mourning process that people often go through when they leave toxic households. Is that what you're referring to? 

3 hours ago, SLuxy said:

(1) Doctor Ramani's Youtube Channel may aid your decision making process

I've come across her channel a few times. Doesn't she specialize in how to deal with narcissists and basically it boils down to RUN and GET HELP lol? 

3 hours ago, SLuxy said:

(2) I have seen numerous anecdotes on the internet about how their life truly began after going full no-contact. 

I heard that many times too. I've almost never heard of regretting it in the end once people get past the grief/mourning/guilt stage. 

[Raphael]

I've cut out my family for 4 years in the past, then came back living with it. Not all people are toxic in my family, in fact, it's only one person who drags everyone down.

I'll say that I felt relieved and experience a lot of growth, but at the same time I was avoiding healing my traumas related to this individual. When I came back living with my family I started to heal this trauma a bit even though it was difficult. I'm currently still doing it, but at a point, I'll walk away again.

I resonate with the idea that even if certain people are dysfunctional they raised us anyway so giving back a bit would be the minimum. However, what came into my mind recently is that at a moment I want to live my life without constantly being dragged down by someone else. What I'm thinking about is distancing myself again 95% of the time while also having a system that can function without me intervening too much. That way I'll focus on my life and the people who raised me will still get some help.

[Bojan V]

My father was abusive and i have no contact with him almost 20 years. I saw him few times (at the store etc.) simply becose he lives few kilometers away, but i simply ignored him. I don't miss him and to be away from him is awesome! I don't regret it at all.

[soos_mite_ah]

20 hours ago, Raphael said:

I've cut out my family for 4 years in the past, then came back living with it. Not all people are toxic in my family, in fact, it's only one person who drags everyone down.

 

That makes sense. I'm basically trying the whole "love them from a distance thing" since I can have surface level conversations. Part of me feels obligated to keep in contact where another part of me is like "you aren't getting much of value from this and you feel drained, there is no point on being responsible just for responsibilities sake." The part of me that wants to keep in contact is coming from empathy because even though my family isn't the healthiest, I know they want what's best for me and I know they're just trying their best from where they are in their consciousness. 

 

[Arcangelo]

Absolutely NOT

What I regret is not doing it earlier.

[Gianna]

On 9/30/2021 at 6:16 PM, Arcangelo said:

Absolutely NOT

What I regret is not doing it earlier.

hehehe. so relatable.

@soos_mite_ah  It's normal to have the idea that once you leave your family that's it and there's no going back. In fact, you could even argue that this mindset is necessary in order to detach and restructure yourself authentically. But the truth is, once you rehabilitate yourself, you can always turn back to your family because you will be solid enough to stand on your own ground without collapsing or being swayed. You won't regret it because you would have developed so much strength and solidity in yourself by doing it, that you would never want to take it back for anything. In other words, you never want to go back to being attached, identified, and needy once you are detached, dis-identified, and self-serving. You will be extraordinary grateful that you chose yourself. 

If you are having thoughts like, "I can't go back to my family once I leave them because they will not have me back," then ask yourself this really painful and terrifying question:

If my family cannot wish for the best for me– without considering their own selfish needs and concerns– then do they really care about me? 
If my family cannot see past themselves and hope for the best for me, then do they really love me? 

[RickyFitts]

@Gianna Excellent advice 

[Nahm]

@soos_mite_ah

Is the lens yours? 

Is it indicative of you? 

[TripleFly]

 

On 10/3/2021 at 3:55 AM, Gianna said:

hehehe. so relatable.

@soos_mite_ah  It's normal to have the idea that once you leave your family that's it and there's no going back. In fact, you could even argue that this mindset is necessary in order to detach and restructure yourself authentically. But the truth is, once you rehabilitate yourself, you can always turn back to your family because you will be solid enough to stand on your own ground without collapsing or being swayed. You won't regret it because you would have developed so much strength and solidity in yourself by doing it, that you would never want to take it back for anything. In other words, you never want to go back to being attached, identified, and needy once you are detached, dis-identified, and self-serving. You will be extraordinary grateful that you chose yourself. 

If you are having thoughts like, "I can't go back to my family once I leave them because they will not have me back," then ask yourself this really painful and terrifying question:

If my family cannot wish for the best for me– without considering their own selfish needs and concerns– then do they really care about me? 
If my family cannot see past themselves and hope for the best for me, then do they really love me? 

Fear says, then why leave in the first place? I don't know whether grace will uplift the suffering done by my actions to my close family members. Meaning even if I do come back one day, the damage has been done, who knows whether they will have the perception to heal it. And then to live with this burden of your mind reminding you of the pain that you made? Is this truly the art that you wish to paint in your life? Only you know.

[Gianna]

2 hours ago, TripleFly said:

Fear says, then why leave in the first place?

Because rehabilitating yourself separate from your family is necessary for you to have an authentic relationship with them. 

2 hours ago, TripleFly said:

I don't know whether grace will uplift the suffering done by my actions to my close family members. Meaning even if I do come back one day, the damage has been done, who knows whether they will have the perception to heal it. And then to live with this burden of your mind reminding you of the pain that you made? Is this truly the art that you wish to paint in your life? Only you know.

You are Grace. So you have to see the necessity of it in order for it to not inflict pain. If you see the necessity of it, grace will uplift any suffering. Try to see how the damage would actually help them to have the perception to heal it. For example, some parents avoid their own growth by focusing on their children. If the children leave, they are forced to grow. It might be painful, but the very process of it is what will give them perception. Any burden that lives in your mind would only be created by yourself. You choose the art that you wish to paint in your life by choosing your perspective. Big-picture perspective is how you paint the most gorgeous art. 

Edited October 4, 2021 by Gianna

[soos_mite_ah]

On 10/2/2021 at 7:55 PM, Gianna said:

hehehe. so relatable.

@soos_mite_ah  It's normal to have the idea that once you leave your family that's it and there's no going back. In fact, you could even argue that this mindset is necessary in order to detach and restructure yourself authentically. But the truth is, once you rehabilitate yourself, you can always turn back to your family because you will be solid enough to stand on your own ground without collapsing or being swayed. You won't regret it because you would have developed so much strength and solidity in yourself by doing it, that you would never want to take it back for anything. In other words, you never want to go back to being attached, identified, and needy once you are detached, dis-identified, and self-serving. You will be extraordinary grateful that you chose yourself. 

If you are having thoughts like, "I can't go back to my family once I leave them because they will not have me back," then ask yourself this really painful and terrifying question:

If my family cannot wish for the best for me– without considering their own selfish needs and concerns– then do they really care about me? 
If my family cannot see past themselves and hope for the best for me, then do they really love me? 

I find myself in this mindset as well, how I can't go back once I leave. I never saw this situation through the lens of rehabilitating myself and then looking at the situation objectively. I never questioned why there was this notion that I couldn't go back once I left. I guess a lot of it comes down to not wanting to make things awkward in the sense that once I leave, they'll get this sense that I don't care about them anymore and when I come back I'm basically sending mixed messages and therefore  my love/care for them isn't consistent or stable. 

[Matt23]

On 9/29/2021 at 0:20 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

at the very least I owe them to call and keep contact

I know how deep and strong these feelings of "owing" others can be and how hard it can be to not be run by these types of thoughts.  

But I invite you to question them and not just immediately believe and act from them.  

If you were "your own mother", like if you were in your mother's position (only as yourself), what would you want for yourself?  How would you treat yourself?  What would you do?  Would you understand yourself and let yourself be free since you know it would make you happy?  Or would you condone yourself and guilt yourself into staying?  

Also try putting yourself in your family members shoes as themselves.  

Another way to look at this is to see yourself in the 3rd person, as if looking at yourself and your family situation from impartial 3rd party perspective from above.  How does it look?  What do you see as reasonable and the loving thing to do?  What dynamics do you see in yourself and your family?  What advice would this outsider give to you?  What advice would this outsider give to your family?

[Gianna]

@soos_mite_ah Yeah it reminds me of that one, "heyyy, hey, how ya'll doing?" meme/tiktok. haha. Super freaking awkward and feels shameful. But you're not alone in this experience. I feel like the best way around it is to be completely honest/straightforward and communicate what you're doing so you don't feel like you have to hide from anything. Maybe say something like, "I need to focus on/build myself until I'm strong enough to even be of real help to anyone." Or, "I know I can be doing 10x more if I were to just focus on myself for awhile." Or, "I don't want to hold resentment for not choosing myself and living out the life I have dreamt of for myself." Something like that to where you're not blaming anyone but just having goals for yourself that are coming from a place of love.

I try to think about it like this, "Do you really want to put an alcoholic in a bar?" haha. Because that's essentially what we are doing when we are expecting ourself to transcend whatever is in our household while stilling being absorbed in it. Thoughts, feelings, and emotions are extremely toxic when you're surrounded by them. You have to pull yourself out, rehabilitate yourself, and then you can re-introduce yourself back in when you have the clarity and perspective to (1) see the unhealthy dynamics and (2) differentiate yourself from them and hold that separation instead of getting lost in it.  Because that way, you can choose, "Do I want to hold on to that pattern/thought/emotion/pain-point, or do I want to let it go?" When you stay in the home and you're surrounded by it almost as if you are drowning in water, it's not really a choice at that point– you're being flooded. 

Edited October 6, 2021 by Gianna

[soos_mite_ah]

9 minutes ago, Gianna said:

Yeah it reminds me of that one, "heyyy, hey, how ya'll doing?" meme/tiktok. haha.

THAT WAS LITERALLY THE FIRST THING THAT CAME TO MIND WHEN I WAS THINKING OF A SCENARIO OF DISAPPEARING FROM MY FAMILY AND REAAPEARING LMAOOO

10 minutes ago, Gianna said:

I feel like the best way around it is to be completely honest/straightforward and communicate what you're doing so you don't feel like you have to hide from anything. Maybe say something like, "I need to focus on/build myself until I'm strong enough to even be of real help to anyone." Or, "I know I can be doing 10x more if I were to just focus on myself for awhile." Or, "I don't want to hold resentment for not choosing myself and living out the life I have dreamt of for myself." Something like that to where you're not blaming anyone but just having goals for yourself that are coming from a place of love.

I really like this. This makes more sense when you have a couple of phrases that you can use to explain your situation. It really helps in articulating the perspective imo. And I really resonate with this as well because it's not that I hate my family but I do recognize that they aren't the healthiest FOR ME and I really don't see myself putting blame on them rather I feel like I'm coming from a place of trying to be more responsible. Though, even though I know this about myself, I know how this can look hateful or like I'm blaming people from the outside. 

[mandyjw]

If it is bad enough you KNOW, you know, you know, you know, you know. If you're wondering about it, then no. 

In my experience with the times that contact had been cut, it did not seem a choice at all to me. In both cases those relationships were healed to something much better than they ever were before, over the course of about a year or two. 

[Gianna]

10 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

THAT WAS LITERALLY THE FIRST THING THAT CAME TO MIND WHEN I WAS THINKING OF A SCENARIO OF DISAPPEARING FROM MY FAMILY AND REAAPEARING LMAOOO

hehehe. That's why tiktok/memes are so amazing; they really communicate some of the most vague but common feelings we all go through! 
 

10 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I really like this. This makes more sense when you have a couple of phrases that you can use to explain your situation. It really helps in articulating the perspective imo. And I really resonate with this as well because it's not that I hate my family but I do recognize that they aren't the healthiest FOR ME and I really don't see myself putting blame on them rather I feel like I'm coming from a place of trying to be more responsible. Though, even though I know this about myself, I know how this can look hateful or like I'm blaming people from the outside. 

Yay! I'm glad that resonates and helps a bit. And yeah, I feel that too (about it looking hateful and blaming). It's hard because our greatest strength (perspective-checking, big-picture thinking) can also be our greatest weakness. What if other people can't even go that far in their mind and they just see you as trying to better yourself and that's it? What if– from their perspective– they can't imagine you being hateful and blaming because they simply don't see you like that, as that. Maybe other's aren't so ill-intentioned as we think. Or, maybe they see us better than we see ourselves. Hopefully these are the case! Idk. I struggle with this as well! So you're not alone!! Hehe. <3  

[Average Investor]

I had stopped talking to my Dad for 7 years. We talk occasionally every few months now. I have still pondered on just dropping the contact again, but he isn't too bad anymore. He seems decent, but people can put up a front for awhile. I still think he has probably made some improvements. I don't regret not talking to him at all in my case. He had a lot of issue to work on. I almost regret talking to him again just because I feel bad for not talking to him for months. He doesn't reach out to me, but wants me to contact him for whatever reason. 

[Breakingthewall]

@Raphael i remember you, you doubted whether to leave your mother alone with your aggressive and inconsiderate father, in a country in Africa. I hope you could have improved your situation.

my father died when I was 20 and for me it is a wound. He treated my mother badly, he disqualified everyone, he messed with my physique when I was 11 years old, and all my life with anything. All was bad. he was a self-esteem eater. It makes me sick to think of him. I don't know if one day I'll be able to forget that shit. It serves as an alarm for meditation. If I decrease the practice, the disgusting snake begins to bite