Overcoming the need to be exceptional

[SLuxy]

What are my moves regarding overcoming the need to be exceptional?

I was treated as an extension of my father growing up. My father wished for me to become a famous professional sportsmen, and an extensive amount of my childhood, till the age of 12), was constructed in pursuance of this end. I internalised that to gain the love of my father I needed to be exceptional.

Currently my thought life is oriented towards the neurotic pursuit of this goal.

Every interaction, every project, every friendship is centred around the pursuance of this end. As you may guess, living in this paradigm makes for a neurotic, materialistic life. Though one that culture encourages.

I have been in long-term psychotherapy to deal with this.

However, I'd like to hear some other perspectives on how to deal with this, on the level of thought. Having said this, suggestions of alternative healing modalities, or even other types of therapies are welcomed.

I'd kindly ask that perspectives re changing relationship to thoughts via psychedelics, and/ or meditation be kept out of this discussion, please. However, something akin to, 'spend more time in body' would be a welcome answer.

Thank you, in advance.

(Note to Moderators: I have chosen not to post this in the forum category that starts, 'Meditation, Consciousness...', as I am looking to avoid answers centred on changing my relationship to thoughts. And, not in 'serious emotional problems', as although it can cause that, when things are being achieved, my emotional life is okay.)

Edited September 28, 2021 by SLuxy
Partial clarification

[Leo Gura]

There is nothing more exceptional than realizing you're God.

When you realize that, your need to be unique will drop away, since God is one of a kind by existential definition, and God is excellence second to none.

Furthermore, your seeking of uniqueness or excellence is just a seeking for love. And there is no higher love than realizing you are God.

[SLuxy]

@Leo Gura I understand. I am seeking love, and realising I am God will simultaneously allow me to realise infinite love,

However, I understand that this is a long process. If I am correct, it is awakening/ enlightenment. Also, I see myself as being too ungrounded to pursue this, at this stage of my life.

What do I do in the mean-time?

[Bob Seeker]

Some of this could be a strength, such as the strength of excellence or the strength of significance, but to excess it may be neurotic.

[Leo Gura]

8 hours ago, SLuxy said:

What do I do in the mean-time?

It won't kill ya to become exceptional in the relative domain. Don't waste good fuel.

[SamC]

Notice how the need to let go of the desire to be excellent is an attempt to be excellent.

What's wrong with being excellent? Ask yourself that. The answer might surprise you.

Edited September 29, 2021 by SamC

[SLuxy]

@SamC First line is rather insightful actually, damn. Thanks.

Being excellent? Little. But that is very separate from the need to be excellent. To speak metaphorically, Its nice to lie on a yacht in the sun, its not nice to have your life centred around the aim of lying on a yacht in the sun.

[SriSriJustinBieber]

Is there self-judgement involved?

[SamC]

1 hour ago, SLuxy said:

@SamC First line is rather insightful actually, damn. Thanks.

Being excellent? Little. But that is very separate from the need to be excellent. To speak metaphorically, Its nice to lie on a yacht in the sun, its not nice to have your life centred around the aim of lying on a yacht in the sun.

Yeah, but notice how you create an attatchment to not having an attatchment to exellence.

You want to overcome the need, but whats wrong with needing it? What does you needing excellence tell you about yourself? What does it create? Really contemplate these 3 questions.

From what you have told us, it almost seems like you're running away from the same thing that you run away from when you chase excellence. What do you think about that?

@SLuxy

 

 

Edited September 29, 2021 by SamC

[SLuxy]

@SamC If you're sincerely trying to help, then I appreciate the time you took to try to help.

However, I asked a specific question. I asked about how to overcome this need. You are answering a different question.

I kindly ask that the question at hand be respected.

Aspects of this apply to @Leo Gura's replies, too

[SamC]

16 minutes ago, SLuxy said:

@SamC If you're sincerely trying to help, then I appreciate the time you took to try to help.

However, I asked a specific question. I asked about how to overcome this need. You are answering a different question.

I kindly ask that the question at hand be respected.

Aspects of this apply to @Leo Gura's replies, too

@SLuxy Oh I see how you interpeted it. You interpeted as me telling you that you shouldn't try to overcome the need to it. That was not my point. My apologies.

My hope with the post was to make you contemplate your motivation to that need so you could realize the root solution. It's good that you're trying to overcome this need but realize that the need to overcome it is what is fueling your need for excellence.

It's almost like this thought loop.

" I need to be excellent to be good enough ------- oh no I shouldn't be neurotic about it, I should be excellent ------ oh no I have the need to be excellent, I shouldn't have that - I should be excellent.

You're fighting against yourself and are trying to solve the problem of not being needy by being needy for a solution. This only fuels your problem. ( because it's the same problem)

You need to learn to accept to be needy and integrate that part of yourself and then tada, your problem will fall of like that... 

But in order to do that you must go to the root and the root is that you feel like you have to be any other way then you are. That's why you want to be excellent, that's why you don't want to need to be excellent. It's the opposite side of the same coin.

That's why I asked, what's wrong with needing to be excellent becuase if you crack that nut, you have your solution. Ta-da

Edited September 29, 2021 by SamC

[SLuxy]

@SamC Ohhh snap. I get you.

"But in order to do that you must go to the root and the root is that you feel like you have to be any other way", that resonated.

 

[SamC]

6 minutes ago, SLuxy said:

@SamC Ohhh snap. I get you.

"But in order to do that you must go to the root and the root is that you feel like you have to be any other way", that resonated.

 

@SLuxySo if you allow me to try to help you with gaining awareness of this dynamic even more.

What does being excellent mean to you?

Edited September 29, 2021 by SamC

[SLuxy]

@SamC I appreciate the prompting.

I suppose it means getting people's admiration.

I suppose its actually slightly different than being excellent. As my mind is very resistant to giving up on something. However, for example, the idea that I may have an accident that means I do not have to do a test is comforting, and my psyche welcomes it. If I introspect as to why, I see that people would congregate round my hospital bed and tell me how, 'they admire my strength, bravery, courage etc'.

Actually, when I think now, even 'getting people's admiration' isn't it. Mainly, I envisage myself in a hospital bed, and someone being rude to me in that state. However, instead of feeling devastated, I understand that I do not deserve to be treated that way, and that people would come and stand up for me. They would say that I did not deserve to be treated that way. Instead, that I deserved to be treated with respect, care, and empathy.

So, its love. It links back to some previous introspection I've done, but, yes, ultimately, being excellent to me is the main way of becoming worthy of love.

And, being worthy of love means being worthy of existing.

Therefore, to me being excellent means that I have a right to exist.

[SamC]

1 hour ago, SLuxy said:

@SamC I appreciate the prompting.

I suppose it means getting people's admiration.

I suppose its actually slightly different than being excellent. As my mind is very resistant to giving up on something. However, for example, the idea that I may have an accident that means I do not have to do a test is comforting, and my psyche welcomes it. If I introspect as to why, I see that people would congregate round my hospital bed and tell me how, 'they admire my strength, bravery, courage etc'.

Actually, when I think now, even 'getting people's admiration' isn't it. Mainly, I envisage myself in a hospital bed, and someone being rude to me in that state. However, instead of feeling devastated, I understand that I do not deserve to be treated that way, and that people would come and stand up for me. They would say that I did not deserve to be treated that way. Instead, that I deserved to be treated with respect, care, and empathy.

So, its love. It links back to some previous introspection I've done, but, yes, ultimately, being excellent to me is the main way of becoming worthy of love.

And, being worthy of love means being worthy of existing.

Therefore, to me being excellent means that I have a right to exist.

@SLuxyCool, thanks for sharing man. It sounds though to walk around with thoughts like this, I understand that you have been through a lot of suffering bro.

There is one thing I am wondering if you could help me understand though. Why wouldn't you want to have a need to be excellent if being excellent is the only way for you to have the right to exsist?

Edited September 29, 2021 by SamC

[SLuxy]

@SamC Thanks. Yes, so far, life has certainly been a rough ride.

Hmmm. Well, I suppose your question prompts a rephrasing. When I say my need to be exceptional, I'm attaching my need to achieve something to have a right to exist.

So, perhaps, its better phrased as, 'overcoming my need to validate my existence'. By overcoming, I mean permanently satisfying.

Actually, now, perhaps, its better put in the following sense. That is, I need to permanently satisfy my right to exist. I guess I'm supposing that psychologically healthy people have that need permanently satisfied.

[universe]

A need to be exceptional is connected to the need for control.

I'd suggest you learn Emotional Mastery.

Especially integrating your emotions via the sedona method.

 

You will learn techniques to release your needs. And you will see that you can still become a pro athlete, in fact you will find that it becomes even easier for you to pursue and accomplish your goals.

[SamC]

9 hours ago, SLuxy said:

@SamC Thanks. Yes, so far, life has certainly been a rough ride.

Hmmm. Well, I suppose your question prompts a rephrasing. When I say my need to be exceptional, I'm attaching my need to achieve something to have a right to exist.

So, perhaps, its better phrased as, 'overcoming my need to validate my existence'. By overcoming, I mean permanently satisfying.

Actually, now, perhaps, its better put in the following sense. That is, I need to permanently satisfy my right to exist. I guess I'm supposing that psychologically healthy people have that need permanently satisfied.

@SLuxy I leave you with this.

Notice how your solution is your problem and that you don't want to give up your solution because you belive you have a problem.

Your solution is doubling down on the thing that creates the anxiety which only makes it worse.

Here is where you trick yourself.

You want a real tangible solution that actually works, not a mind game where you get advise like " be one with god" " love yourself" ect cause that's almost like a fuck you to you and your problem and I agree with that, that won't help you either.

 What I want you to realize howver is that you won't find the solution by trying something else to solve it because if you try that you just go in circles and become neurotic about that.

Your core statement is - " I need to do X to be worthy and have the right to exsist".  That's what you are running away from and try to fix because if you don't... guess what, you belive you will be worthless. This furthermore means that if you stop seeking a solution, that will be really painful, scary and the real cognitive behavioral therapy - which is why you don't want to do it because you will litterly die. Your core concept will die.

What I am saying is in other words what you initially didn't want to hear, that you need to go about this disfunction by how you relate to your problem. This does not mean that you should just try to be one with the universe or notice that  you are just a thought or whatever. Fuck that, that's not really that helpful because you're not there yet.

Instead, do what you feel like you need to and want to do but be AWARE of it. I don't know if you watched Leo's video awarness is curative? if not I suggest you to give it a go.  If you feel like you want to continue focusing on work? Do it but do it consciously where you are aware that you're doing it because you're afraid.

Pair this with meditation and parts work, see Teal swans book "The anatomy of lonliness" for that and your " problem" will fall off by itself. I now that this wasn't necessarily the " solution " you wanted to hear but I hope that you can see how this, as opposed to trying to fix the problem will reach the problem at it's core

In sum, your best bet is to raise your conciousness so that it goes beyond your current ego by meditation, parts work and practicing doing what is right for you in that moment regardless if you're driven by fear or not.

I wish you the best of luck man! If you have any questions, let me know!

 

 

[SLuxy]

@SamC Thank you.

It is a rare thing to be met with both compassion and wisdom.

All the best to you.

I may ask some more questions, in reply to this, in the future.