Probably The Last Thing I'll Ever Write

[jse]

@Scholar - seriously dude...

No one bothers with encyclopedic intellectual rants at the best of times, never mind when this poor guy is suffering beyond belief.

[Shin]

On 21/12/2016 at 3:33 PM, Bob84 said:

@renegade_bee  Pain is pain but suffering is self inflicted.
Use your pain to wake up from your mental masturbation.

Let me put it in perspective:
Is depression is disease like the flue, and can you get it from a bacteria or virus? Or is it something your creating yourself (like ex. stress)?

I might sound like a asshole in your delusion but to me this is the same as saying your going to kill yourself because your iPhone got stolen.

Do you had a depression at some point in your life ?

Because this kind of talk does not work at all, it could even make him want to do it even more ...

Edited December 23, 2016 by Shin

[Bob84]

@Shin Many. And it stopped with set realization. It might not help to say so but i hope it does.

Edited December 23, 2016 by Bob84

[jse]

On 17/12/2016 at 4:01 AM, renegade_bee said:

 

@Leo Gura Can I get your opinion? I don't know what else to do in my situation.

 

No takers for this poor soul crying out for help?

[Wind]

1. Suicide is selfish. Think about the pain that you would cause to your parents.
2.

 

[step1]

On 14/12/2016 at 10:06 AM, renegade_bee said:

Hello everyone,

 

Can I just ask you a question - what is your day to day life like?  What do you do? Do you go to college do you work?  do you have structure etc?  I know from experience that a lot of my social anxiety comes from low self esteem.  Great way to boost your self esteem is by getting shit done.  Do things daily and create habit, have a list of things you are to do everyday.  Start small and once you get a momentum going start adding things. - After a while you start to build confidence in your self and in turn your esteem increases.  You start to improve yourself and you care less about what others think of you because you are creating a fire in yourself that overcomes obstacles, and thrives in challenge. You start to realise you do not need anyone but yourself to be happy.  You programme your sub conscious to become a doer. 

[Peace and Love]

@renegade_bee

On 12/14/2016 at 5:06 AM, renegade_bee said:

Hello everyone,

This gets a bit heavy but I didn't know where else to post this, I'll probably put it on reddit too.

I'm an 18 year old male. Normally I should be excited for the life ahead and all its possibilities. My situation is a bit different. Very soon, I will take my own life.

I know the response would be to man up and stop being a victim, which is all good and well when you actually have some control over your circumstances which I have not.

Suicide in my case is not a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Let me explain.

There are a million things not going right in my life right now. I'm severley depressed and have been for years now. Psychologists and therapists don't help at all. And no I'll never take drugs. I've seen how they changed my mothers personality and I'd rather die than live like that. And I'm not depressed bc of a brain imbalance, I'm depressed bc of the circumstances. However I'm convinced I could fix this if only my circumstances changed.

I have extreme social anxiety and few friends.

I have a binge eating disorder. My stomach hurts often because of overeating and then dieting/fasting.

My dads an alcoholic who has no empathy at all for me. He also is in the beginning stages of Alzheimers (no one knows this; I recognized the symptoms but haven't told anyone). My mom is a wreck and emotionally unstable as well. I'm starting to develop an alcohol problem as well.

However I'm convinced I can solve all of the above.

My main reason is embarrasing and unsolvable. 4 years ago (when i was 14) I contracted a UTI. I had extreme pain during urination, had frequent urges and had extreme pain during ejaculation. So just go to the doctor and get it fixed, right? Well I did. I went to my GP maybe 12 times in the span of 2 years? He prescribed me all kinds of things (antibiotics, drugs, ...) but nothing helped. Then I went to two urologists. I did every test imaginable, from urine testing to checking inside my bladder with a camera. Again I took lots of different medications for months on end. Nothing helped. At this Point I started becoming extremely desperate. I could live with the urination pain but the worst part of all is the fact that ejaculating hurts so much. I'll never be able to have sex like this. At this point I also started looking into other doctors. I did homeopathy (a scam). Didn't help. I went to a psychologist and a psychiatrist. They told me I should learn to live with this. Fuck that.

I went to a herb specialist. Didn't help. I went to a chiropractor. Didn't help. I took supplements that are supposed to kill the pain. Didn't help. I went to a hypnotherapist. Didn't help. I tried affirmations, visualizations, meditation. Didn't help. I'm now 18 and in my first year of college. During every class I have to leave the room with more than a hundred people several times just to go to the bathroom. It's extremely embarrasing. The pain is still there. Nothing. Fucking. Helps.

All my friends are getting their lives started and are getting laid and while I'm happy for them, the realisation has now dawned on me that I will never experience this. If it weren't for this problem I would have been able to solve all the rest. I'm failing college as well because I just can't handle this anymore. I'm at my wits end.

Therefore I have decided to kill myself the next time my parents are out of town for a night. I'm still researching on what the most painless method is, but aftre putting on some music I'll probably just fill the bathtub, get in and slit my wrists.

I still don't know what the meaning of this existence is and why so many people have to suffer so much. I never chose to start this life, but I can choose to end it. I have come to the conclusion that God can't be good. Even if all this suffering is just ego, it's still very real for the people who live through it. Maybe there is an afterlife. I hope its better than this. 

I don't know why I wrote this or what kind of a response I should expect. Just why not i guess.

To anyone reading this, I wish you all the best in life.

Hi I pray that you are alive and well. Sending you healing, love and violet light.  If you ever need to talk to anyone I am here.  You do not have to go though this alone.  Please reach out for help if you need it.  You deserve love and happiness, even if your subconscious mind is saying other wise right now.

I just want you to know that you are not alone in your pain.
I'm also suffering from reoccurring urinary tract infections.  Mine are caused from all the stress I'm dealing with, because my dad just recently passed away from stage 4 colon cancer.  My mom was also having urinary tract infections as well.  Our bodies when they are healthy are alkaline, when we stress we create acidity in the body thus we need to expel it causing a urinary tract infection.

You may also want to take a look at your diet. Sometimes urinary tract infections are an indication of food allergies.  I have a very extreme case of food allergies where I am allergic to a whole bunch of things including: dairy, soy, gluten, eggs, bht, peanuts, brussel sprouts, etc.
I found out every time I eat anything with soy in it, even if it's something as mediocre as an Italian salad dressing (with soy ingredients).... it caused me to have a urinary tract infection within hours of soy consumption.

I also had the same problem with yeast infections.  Which are common in causing sexual pain for women.  I couldn't even eat a small portion of a candy bar without my body going out of wack.  (Thank you dairy and white processed white sugar! lol)  I didn't know this for many years.  And I went to 3 different gynecologists that misdiagnosed me with endometriosis and covered it up with pointless medications.  This went on for 4 years!! I finally ran into someone that told me to change my diet, and I never had the problem again.  I understand your pain, because every time when I had sex it felt like someone was stabbing a knife in me.  It would burn, and I just wanted to cry.   So I totally get that.

I had to take my health into my own hands, and I discovered my own personal natural cure for urinary tract infections.  I used cold pressed organic coconut oil.  It literally gets rid of my uti in a matter of minutes.  I take it internally, and yes ....vaginally and rectally.  Coconut oil is a natural anti bacterial and anti fungal. I even use it as lotion on my skin when I get out of the shower. It also makes a great lubricant.  KY Jelly doesn't do it for me.

Much Love and Light,
Peace and Love

 

[Daily Growth]

Hey bro I just want to let you know I love you (pause) this world will honestly be a worse place without you. Honestly this principle of gratitude changed my life: whenever you see a bird just say a quick thing that you are grateful for (could be a person place thing event memory) every time you see a bird trust me just try this principle man and you will start to change your mentality, it won't be overnight but slowly but surely you will understand just how amazing your life is.

A former being who overcame his suicidal thoughts 

Tim

[Guest Annetta]

purty birb

Edited January 3, 2017 by Babybat

[Peace and Love]

@renegade_bee  - I'm so proud of you and so glad you reached out to me. 

Like I was saying the wheat gluten causes depression for me.  I could literally eat a croissant or a donut and 24 hours later I would not be the same person.  I had suicidal thoughts and would cry uncontrollably.  And what was wild about the situation is I didn't even realize the transition or the change. It was ingrained in my thoughts that this was normal when it wasn't.  My parents thought I was bi-polar for many years.  I lost many friendships because of the way I ate. As well as probably destroyed a few romantic relationships as well.  

Even as a vegan I have my days that I miss eating normal food and I slip up and I'll wake up the next morning feeling really crappy and depressed, and that the world is going to end.  Then I had to remind myself that I ate the food that had the wheat gluten in it and that's why I was feeling that way! lol

And the wheat gluten allergies were going on at the same time as my soy allergies.....not to mention that I was also working in the adult entertainment industry at the same time......it really sucked.....I thought there was something seriously wrong with me with all this pain.   I changed my diet....and it was GONE!

Here is that book I was telling you about   It's crazy how food allergies can even be emotional and even the types of things that can cause an issue.  

[Lipthru]

On 12/16/2016 at 6:06 AM, ajasatya said:

@renegade_bee your state of mind determines the kind of life that the consciousness you're experiencing right now will have.

Reality works this way. the mind is the workspace for materialization. this is how faith works. there are some limitations, of course.

if your mind is connected with suicidal thoughts, that's your pattern. this birth you had is a materialization of the last state of mind that you (as consciousness) once was experiencing before its mind/body death.

break that cycle for once. get into the flow of the Dharma and be free from bad rebirths.

While I didn't get it (I have OCD sometimes I can't focus enough to get something disregard of its quality to perceive: hard ~ easy), I liked it, and it seemed to me to come back later to read it again. thanks

[ajasatya]

@Lipthru nice. you don't have to believe it blindly. actually that would harm you.

instead, i invite you to play with this idea and see for yourself if it works not just from a life to another, but even within one lifetime. so death and birth would be just raw continuity of life... existence desiring and fulfilling it's desires through us and all sentient beings.

Edited January 11, 2017 by ajasatya

[Lipthru]

@Scholar intresting

Edited January 11, 2017 by Lipthru

[Lipthru]

On 12/21/2016 at 3:49 AM, MIA.RIVEL said:

You need to develop mental toughness first and foremost

I'm gonna maybe sound like an idiot, but how actually? I have OCD and at times I procrastinate to the level that is very tough to let go of the time you lossed and do the hard work from then so on. (in my case studying) and then even worse; I consciously on purpose screw myself over even more. (eg. I should study, then I procrastinate and procrs... ... and then I completely drop it, and then I can't even trust myself on anything).

I guess I already have the answer:

1. I think it's because I don't exercise (I think If I did exercise, it wouldn't be this tough)

2. after years of procrastination I destroyed my panic monster (the stress that you get when you should do something that is necessary for your survival or generally necessary, like studying, etc

3. I watch porn (used to, and still sometimes, and then after I masturbate, I see no point into preaching myself with words like: "you need to wake up from this fantasy, etc." and I just say to myself : "just shut up, you did it on purpose, what else you need to say, you already showed what you really want your life to be like")

I meditate a month back and as soon as I saw some results I dropped the whole thing, and the my obsessions that were gone for a week or so just came back and also my porn addiction.

Now this gonna sound really funny: How do I actually stop screwing myself over with my own hand!?

[ajasatya]

28 minutes ago, Lipthru said:

Now this gonna sound really funny: How do I actually stop screwing myself over with my own hand!?

maybe you need some drastic real situation, some intense episode of suffering like parental death or actual somatic disease.

suffering is a true gift for us to learn how to live.

[Lipthru]

@ajasatya Right? but what do you suggest? I'm 20 and I have no problem for anything, but I just wanna get out of this fantasy world, I want to see really what I'm doing

[ajasatya]

@Lipthru i had an easy life and i decided to throw myself into "trouble", leaving behind the comfort i had. i left my parents and engaged in a rigorous zen practice. why do you think that siddhartha gautama left his palace? he was feeling the way you're feeling right now, same feeling i had back then.

the story of siddhartha is a generic story of a human being with deep anguish, sincerely ready to find out what it's all about. siddhartha gautama was me when i left home. siddhartha gautama was me in my training process to heal my anguish. siddhartha gautama is me telling you to live for your own sake.

siddhartha gautama is you, fighting inner conflicts and starting to get ready for the real deal soon.

[Arman]

15 hours ago, ajasatya said:

fighting inner conflicts and starting to get ready for the real deal soon.

can you please elaborate on what you mean by 'the real deal' ? 

[ajasatya]

5 hours ago, Arman said:

can you please elaborate on what you mean by 'the real deal' ? 

starting a new life free from all old patterns, leaving the past behind and following your inner truth with accuracy. no more boring excuses.

finding a job, living with your own effort, shutting down all addictions and corrosive relationships and sticking to a spiritual practice unconditionally.

[MIARIVEL]

@Lipthru I have wrote a blog post on a few ideas you can start doing to develop mental tougness http://www.miarivel.com/8-tips-on-mental-toughness/ have a read through this and if you have any more questions you can message me and I can see how I can help you further. 

 

And in short to stop screwing yourself over, its all starts with a decision to stop doing that. Yes its hard but it is only as hard as you make it. The problem is people are scared to even try to start over, to discipline them self because they are lazy and comfortable and no one wants to break out of their comfort zone so they stay complacent and in their safety zone where no change can happen to them. Their fear is bigger than their courage for possibility. Excuses are their best friend. Whenever I have a client who gives me an excuse for anything, I stop them immediately and get them to recognise that they are sabotaging themselves, they are basically screwing them self over. 

People procrastinate and wonder why life won't make me rich or happy because they don't have a plan. You need a plan. And although things don't always go to plan at least you have a structure in place a blueprint - you have somewhere to start to do something. You need to be your own cheerleader and believe in yourself more, the hell with what everyone else thinks, you don't need other people's opinion and validation or approval, you make your own rules and make a plan every single day to go do it! if you struggle and need help, then ask for it, ask someone that wants to see you succeed, there is nothing worse than asking the wrong person for help because not everyone will want to see you succeed.