Probably The Last Thing I'll Ever Write

[renegade_bee]

Hello everyone,

This gets a bit heavy but I didn't know where else to post this, I'll probably put it on reddit too.

I'm an 18 year old male. Normally I should be excited for the life ahead and all its possibilities. My situation is a bit different. Very soon, I will take my own life.

I know the response would be to man up and stop being a victim, which is all good and well when you actually have some control over your circumstances which I have not.

Suicide in my case is not a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Let me explain.

There are a million things not going right in my life right now. I'm severley depressed and have been for years now. Psychologists and therapists don't help at all. And no I'll never take drugs. I've seen how they changed my mothers personality and I'd rather die than live like that. And I'm not depressed bc of a brain imbalance, I'm depressed bc of the circumstances. However I'm convinced I could fix this if only my circumstances changed.

I have extreme social anxiety and few friends.

I have a binge eating disorder. My stomach hurts often because of overeating and then dieting/fasting.

My dads an alcoholic who has no empathy at all for me. He also is in the beginning stages of Alzheimers (no one knows this; I recognized the symptoms but haven't told anyone). My mom is a wreck and emotionally unstable as well. I'm starting to develop an alcohol problem as well.

However I'm convinced I can solve all of the above.

My main reason is embarrasing and unsolvable. 4 years ago (when i was 14) I contracted a UTI. I had extreme pain during urination, had frequent urges and had extreme pain during ejaculation. So just go to the doctor and get it fixed, right? Well I did. I went to my GP maybe 12 times in the span of 2 years? He prescribed me all kinds of things (antibiotics, drugs, ...) but nothing helped. Then I went to two urologists. I did every test imaginable, from urine testing to checking inside my bladder with a camera. Again I took lots of different medications for months on end. Nothing helped. At this Point I started becoming extremely desperate. I could live with the urination pain but the worst part of all is the fact that ejaculating hurts so much. I'll never be able to have sex like this. At this point I also started looking into other doctors. I did homeopathy (a scam). Didn't help. I went to a psychologist and a psychiatrist. They told me I should learn to live with this. Fuck that.

I went to a herb specialist. Didn't help. I went to a chiropractor. Didn't help. I took supplements that are supposed to kill the pain. Didn't help. I went to a hypnotherapist. Didn't help. I tried affirmations, visualizations, meditation. Didn't help. I'm now 18 and in my first year of college. During every class I have to leave the room with more than a hundred people several times just to go to the bathroom. It's extremely embarrasing. The pain is still there. Nothing. Fucking. Helps.

All my friends are getting their lives started and are getting laid and while I'm happy for them, the realisation has now dawned on me that I will never experience this. If it weren't for this problem I would have been able to solve all the rest. I'm failing college as well because I just can't handle this anymore. I'm at my wits end.

Therefore I have decided to kill myself the next time my parents are out of town for a night. I'm still researching on what the most painless method is, but aftre putting on some music I'll probably just fill the bathtub, get in and slit my wrists.

I still don't know what the meaning of this existence is and why so many people have to suffer so much. I never chose to start this life, but I can choose to end it. I have come to the conclusion that God can't be good. Even if all this suffering is just ego, it's still very real for the people who live through it. Maybe there is an afterlife. I hope its better than this. 

I don't know why I wrote this or what kind of a response I should expect. Just why not i guess.

To anyone reading this, I wish you all the best in life.

[Shin]

DON'T DO IT BRO, LIFE IS AMAZING, I ALSO WANTED TO KILL MYSELF, IT'S ALL A PHASE, DON'T FUCKING DO IT !

[Richard Alpert]

First, stop blaming and feeling bad for yourself. You are the average of the influences that have went IN from people and the environment.

The pain part i understand because i have had chronic prostatis for the last 4 years and doctors havent helped much.

You dont need to ejaculate for now. Do nofap. thats what i do now. I dont even get much boners right now, because of the medical issue.

Stop feeling special, because you are not and chill out bro, it´s not that serious.

How about killing yourself a decade later than now?

 

[Toby]

It's ok that you feel that way, but I don't really see the benefits in killing one self. But there is a time for each one of us to come and go. And you never know when and how death will occur. So you could wait until death arrives. If I were in your position -  and I am not (I tried to feel what you wrote as much as I could though) - I would maybe look if there are some videos of people that inspire you on youtube where they talk about death or physical suffering or suicide. So that you can put your situation in perspective. Not to escape, but to find the peace that is nevertheless here in abundance. You don't have to kill yourself to find peace imo.

Edited December 14, 2016 by Toby

[Shin]

At this point, you need to do something radical, like pick up all your money and join a dojo or a monastery, and let the sensei/master teach you how to love life again.

All that you're experiencing, even if it's very sad and hard from your perspective, it all can be reversed.

You don't need sex or a girlfriend to be happy, so you "just" have to live with that pain, because the depression and how others think of you isn't relevant after a certain level of awareness.

Some scientists have done research on monks, and they found out that they experienced 40% less pain than normal people, don't you think it worth the shot ?

Don't think we don't know what you're experiencing, most of us had similar traumas and situations, you kind of think you're alone in this, even if consciously you think you know you're not alone. That's how a depression work, you feel that no one can get you, and that nothin can work,

BUT IT'S ALL IN THE MIND !

 

[Martin123]

"Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult-once we truly understand and accept it-then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters."

-Scott Peck

 

Our most painful times, turn out to be our best times. Only in retrospective. What you're experiencing now is a very difficult beginning of your story. Don't be mistaken, it doesn't determine the ending. It can give you an amazing leverage for beautiful beatiful things. If you follow the path of self-actualization, and use this adversity to become better instead of bitter, I guarantee you, you'll end up with an amazing experience of life, one you'd think isn't even possible.

I wish you think this through. 

Find balance and motivation. We cannot change the hand we were dealt, but we can change how we react.

 

I appreciate you writing on this forum. Thank you.

[Markus]

So you're convinced you can solve everything else but you're going to kill yourself because of not getting pussy? Ask yourself honestly: are you devastated because of the actual pain and discomfort or is it the social and sexual embarrassment?

Understandably, I presume your love and interest in life is buried under the emotional stress you constantly experience and it seems like there's no way out at all. But you will be killing yourself for shallow and stupid reasons, ultimately, and it will be painful to your family. It's others that will have to suffer because of your decision. I don't say this to moralize, but I say this so you can perhaps get in touch with your empathy. Sex and social status? Fuck that. Try becoming a monk or something, and work at that for a few years. You might find that as your consciousness increases, you will, despite still having the physical problem and the pain associated with it, look back at your current situation as silly. Maybe. And maybe you'll find stuff to appreciate. Don't rush the decision to end your life. After all, whether you suffer less or more is ultimately irrelevant, since death is coming soon enough and after that it won't matter.

[PetarKa]

If you choose to end your life now, you will (for sure) evaporate the rest of the time you have, which might be painful, disappointing, neutral, better, average, amazing, blissful, calm, meaningful, disgusting, horrifying, or something else completely unexpected and different from the above mentioned. You can never know what it will be like. Consider this: What if you somehow, after all of those failed attempts, find a way out of that hole? Is there anything which guarantees that you won't? If you are willing to die peacefully with the idea that your future could have been better than you thought, then the choice is yours... 

[Clay]

This thread has been moved to "Serious Emotional Problems"

 

Call a national suicide prevention right away: 1-800-273-8255
If you are outside of the U.S., do a search on a suicide prevention agency in your country and call them right away.


With that being said, I will try offer some advice on your UTI problem, which you believe is the only uncurable one, and seems to be where most of your depression is derived from.

I think you can cure it.

Have you tried Apple Cider Vinegar? It is a highly recommended herbal cure to this ailment, over every other listed cure. Please see here: http://www.earthclinic.com/cures/apple-cider-vinegar-for-bladder-infection.html

If you have tried the Apple Cider Vinegar, have you tried it in the pill extract form? Go on Amazon and search for "Apple Cider Vinegar Extract" and you can find potent doses of this herbal cure, which you can use at your own discretion to try and cure your ailment.

 

But again, call a suicide prevention agency right away.

[ajasatya]

@renegade_bee your state of mind determines the kind of life that the consciousness you're experiencing right now will have.

Reality works this way. the mind is the workspace for materialization. this is how faith works. there are some limitations, of course.

if your mind is connected with suicidal thoughts, that's your pattern. this birth you had is a materialization of the last state of mind that you (as consciousness) once was experiencing before its mind/body death.

break that cycle for once. get into the flow of the Dharma and be free from bad rebirths.

[renegade_bee]

@ajasatya

18 hours ago, ajasatya said:

if your mind is connected with suicidal thoughts, that's your pattern. this birth you had is a materialization of the last state of mind that you (as consciousness) once was experiencing before its mind/body death.

break that cycle for once. get into the flow of the Dharma and be free from bad rebirths.

How would you know this? There is no evidence.

@Leo Gura Can I get your opinion? I don't know what else to do in my situation.

[AxelK]

19 hours ago, ajasatya said:

if your mind is connected with suicidal thoughts, that's your pattern. this birth you had is a materialization of the last state of mind that you (as consciousness) once was experiencing before its mind/body death

 

I would call myself spiritual and open minded, but this is unsubstantiated gibberish and downright dangerous to tell a suicidal person. The reason they feel the way they feel is not because of some "past life". There are probably hundreds of different reasons the person feels the way they do, but their past life is not one of them.

 

I've been where you are right now @renegade_bee and i would suggest that you get some professional help if you are not currently getting it. When you get better you can contentrate on these "higher consciousness" topics. But if your situation is so dire right now i would strongly suggest that you seek professional help or get to talk to someone else in person and not on a forum.

 

Also, about your pain issues, i had a family member with almost exactly the same problem you are describing. His problems were psychosomatic and the remedy was to find out why the psyche caused these pains. If you have past trauma or repressed emotions this can cause grave pains in certain parts of the body.

Edited December 16, 2016 by AxelK

[ajasatya]

1 hour ago, renegade_bee said:

@ajasatya

How would you know this? There is no evidence.

good point. this kind of topic is not important right now. i see myself on the place you are because once i actually was. i was sexually ill, with a sick penis, for 26 years. sex was horrifying and i had to go through a dangerous surgery, with the risk of losing genital sensibility.

fight for your healing because it's possible. you need professional help.

all i said on the other comment was that suicide is NOT going to help at all.

Edited December 16, 2016 by ajasatya

[kurt]

@renegade_bee The thing about suicide is people assume that ending their life is going to end their suffering.  But nobody knows what happens to the energy once it has been "bumped off" so to speak.  Science tells us that energy never dies, can only be transformed, so dont be so hasty thinking that death = the end of suffering.  Nobody can prove an afterlife, but nobody can disprove it either, meaning you dont know that death is going to end suffering, so there is no point in bringing about the end of it in this way.

Adjusting your mind to the circumstances is the way to end suffering, its easy to do when you just knuckle down and get on with replacing your negative attitude with one of gratitude for having been blessed with an experience at all.  Yes, youre not getting what you want, that doesnt mean youre not getting what you need.  If you are still breathing then take that as a gift.  Believe me, the only way to end suffering is to change your mind, because that is the only thing you have control over.  Pain very well may continue, but you can control suffering.

[pluto]

uhh  I wish i could show you.. Suicide will only lead to doing it all over again and leaving deep karmic marks and pain to those left behind.

Have you ever considered psychedelics? They saved me from suicide when everyone else didn't work. They showed me the meaning of existence, who i really am, what life's really about, why i came here on earth and answered every question i had ever wondered about in a flash of an eye.

Now i am living life to the fullest helping others like myself come to the same realizations. I have been through so much darkness which is why i know what i know today. I know from experience nothing i say will help if i started with herbs, diet, meditation, travel ect.. but for emergency situations i honestly believe from the deepest part of my heart these were put here on earth for, to reconnect ourselves to who we truly are and whoever disagrees just lacks the experience and understanding. 

One experience magic mushroom, LSD, DMT, MDMA, Ayahuasca, Peyote ect.. or even Cannabis if you never have before can completely change your life around. If you don't try once you will never really know what it was all about and you would never know if it could of saved you from doing what you were planning to do. If i had to pick i would go with Shrooms or DMT, they show you what you need to see but if you cant come across them give the others a try and make sure they are pure.

Drugs don't help, drugs don't work, Nature helps, nature works. and when i say psychedelics i mean those extracted from plants, even LSD originally is extracted from a type of fungi i believe. 

Checkout PsychedSubstance on youtube and MAPS(Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies) to properly educate yourself about these substances. Growing up, living on the streets, being bullied, tortured daily and treated like trash, betrayed, left alone i tried to kill myself many times but there was always something that kept me going and stopping me at the last minute. I am always grateful for that now that i live a completely different life and had experience with psychedelics and meditation that made it all clear and simple for me. Nowadays i know that no matter what happens in life, even if i endure the pain i endured 10x over i will never even come close to suicide because i understand the impact it will have on not just those left behind but my growth as a soul and my future existence will be filled more more karmic energies following me around and never knowing why. Do you remember before you were born? Its not worth it.

I suggest giving this a read it may help understand this stuff better http://thegreaterpicture.com/guides.html

I know you said you probably wont listen to others but i honestly think you should give me a chance when i say this since i have been through a lot myself and something similar to what you are going through. Over the years i have become a some sort of health expert myself and you are 100% correct all those guys and things you went to are meaningless, if you want to try something for me because i swear by this stuff, my life has changed around switching from modern medicine, drugs, therapists, ect.. to nature, to natural methods that actually work. 

http://www.top10homeremedies.com/home-remedies/home-remedies-for-urinary-tract-infection.html

https://au.pinterest.com/pin/413416440768149564/

https://draxe.com/home-remedies-for-uti/

 

I used to have the same pains as you say every day, once i started eating real foods(organic fruits, vegetables, nuts and seeds, and Herbs & Spices= natures medicine) and cut everything processed and junk out, i started becoming alive again. No more pains or problems. This is when it all began after my darkness phase lead me into meeting my fungi friend. 

I have even helped people cure their own cancers and other disorders, its very simple, Nature contains everything we need to sustain life, its when man started making and doing everything artificial is when diseases and problems started to occur. This is all a big business scam. Cancer industry alone makes 200b+ a year from treatments and those who practice natural alternatives lose their jobs or end up dead and this is not a joke. 

The people you went to see are trained a certain way, they don't know jack shit about health and curing. If you want to see how intelligent is nature and how simple cancer can be cured all you have to do is find the root cause. And the root cause of cancer and most diseases is Lack of Oxygen to the cells which causes an acid environment. Cancer cannot simply exist in an oxygen rich, alkaline Environment.

All the same for everything else. You have to find real people with real answers, look for natural remedies and cures, doctors are all trained to sell drugs nothing more. Never go there. I know cranberry and aloe vera juice daily should help too and do wonders and buy organic who cares if its double the price, this is life, spend your last penny because when your gone it wont matter. https://www.ihealthtube.com has helped me a lot. Ayurvedic medicine is also another thing i swear by and methods that actually work and cure modern diseases. They have been used for thousands of years.

I hope my words can help you, i will always be here to help because i know what you are going through. It never hurts to try a few more things.

These days i try to live as its my last day, so i make sure i do as much can and fuck everything else, this is your life, fuck society, fuck the system and go do what you want, what makes you smile, what makes you laugh, do what you fear to do, your existence here is more important than anything else man-made and never let those things bring you down and limit your existence, you are far more valuable and important.  All the best.

I exchange my Highest vibration of infinite love to you, Pluto <3

 

Edited December 20, 2016 by pluto

[Guest SC GM]

@renegade_bee I know you said you don't want to try drugs. But! Would you give it a chance at least? I suffered from social anxiety the first 20 years of my life- seriously it all started as a baby. Then at 20 I participated in a drug research and got the relief I needed so bad. I was on Celexa for 13 years and able to live my dreams: Studying, traveling, working, making friends, finding my "soul_mate" an so on. Two years ago I came off the medication and my social anxiety never returned. Now, this is my personal story and everyone reacts differently, but why not give it a try? 

Edited December 20, 2016 by nemonissa

[MIARIVEL]

@renegade_bee I don't know much about UTI's but I do know just because you think you have tried everything, the answer is to not give up. I have had many clients who have come to for depression and suicide and what I find most is that these people do not want to end their life, its a big cry for help, a solution and as hard life gets you are the answer to any problem you will ever have in life. 

You are 18 years old and I am sure you have heard this before but you have your whole life to design and make things the way you want. Just because you have went to 100 Doctors, Psychiatrists, Psychologists doesn't mean you have tried everything. Why don't you try 101 times and if that doesn't work try a different approach. Your life is not over due to this condition. I have had many people come across me with more severe life threatening conditions who have made it through things like cancer, people who have lost a leg and won't be able to walk for the rest of their life. These people are some of the most successful people in life and business that I know because they never gave up.

You need to develop mental toughness first and foremost because your mind will determine which path you choose. We are so used to doing what it easy and comfortable but we are so much more than that. Our mind has the power to overcome just about any adversity IF we learn how to train it and use it right to get the results we want. 

Definitely call a help line in your Country/Area to help with your emotional side of things. Go see a specialist (even a few) to find a solution to your problem. I don't think UTI are incurable so don't give up. There will be tougher situations you may come across in life, whatever happens, learn to be stronger than anything comes your way and don't ever be ashamed to ask for help or seek guidance from people. 

Don't feel you are left out or different from everyone else, some people progress slower and faster than others at various things, some people were born with conditions while others are healthy their whole life. What seperates the weak from the strong is your determination, persistence and how mentally strong you are. Believe in hope and believe in yourself that you will get through this.

[jse]

@renegade_bee, my heart goes out to you...   There is always hope, even in the worst of life's circumstances.

Let's see if we can fix that UTI first.  Have you tried using cotton underwear, changed twice a day?

If so, how about trying probiotic supplements?  Maybe your body's natural microbiota is out of wack from the antibiotics.

 

It is always darkest just before dawn...

[Bob84]

@renegade_bee  Pain is pain but suffering is self inflicted.
Use your pain to wake up from your mental masturbation.

Let me put it in perspective:
Is depression is disease like the flue, and can you get it from a bacteria or virus? Or is it something your creating yourself (like ex. stress)?

I might sound like a asshole in your delusion but to me this is the same as saying your going to kill yourself because your iPhone got stolen.

[Scholar]

@renegade_bee

Let me try to explain to you what suffering is. Suffering is caused by a strong will to change from one state to another. It is a function that developed through millions of years of evolution. The body creates feedback for the brain, it first collects the feedback and then it evaluates the feedback.

Let's use the example of pain:

I put my hand into fire, my body immediately sends out signals of pain. These signals contain the location, intensity and kind of pain (pressure, heat/cold, damaged tissue etc). The brain first collects these information within a very specific part of your brain, it so to speak becomes aware of the signal. From then on the information travels to another part of your brain which serves to evaluate the information. What happens here is basicly taking the information and then deciding what action to take based on the information. In the case of intense pain the response is usually an extreme desire to escape the state of pain, in other words to find a way to stop the flow of that particular sensory input. This desire is what we would describe and define as suffering. It is the desire to change from one state to another, or the desire to find a way to somehow change a specific set of information.

I usually describe this as negative motivation. For any action to take place, one needs internal motivation to take the action. Throughout the countless years of evolution, the most efficient way for action-taking was exactly this kind of system: Reward and punishment.

Your mind punishes itself for feeling pain, and it rewards itself for feeling pleasure. This creates motivation to take action towards pleasure and away from pain. In our example, the pain and the negative evaluation create the motivation to pull the hand away from the fire, thus ensuring the survival of the organism as a whole. Without the negative evaluation, action would not take place. Your brain is required to have a negative evaluation to create this kind of action. You feel hungry, your brain wants to escape the state of hunger, it eats. You are lonely, the brain wants to escape the state of loneliness, it socializes. You feel pain, the brain wants to escape the state of pain, it creates actions towards resolving pain.

Very important now is that the feeling itself does not create suffering at all, it is the craving to escape that state that creates suffering. There are people who even have a natural tendency to enjoy  certain kinds of pain, their brains evaluate pain as a positive state, such, they seek out pain (masochists).

Happiness, or fullfilment, is the lack of desire to change current states. This is literally what happiness is. If you have everything you want, you are happy. One way to become happy is to get everything you want. It is almost impossible because our brain is wired to create and seek states from which it wants to escape. If you get everything you want, your brain will create more that it wants. Why is that? Because an organism that keeps creating negative states from which it wants to escape has far more chances of survival, and thus outsources the competition. The organism that is satisfied will simply die or atleast not reproduce as much. That is why materialism is so inefficient in creating true happiness. No matter how much things you have, and how rich you become, you will always seek more. In a paradoxical way, the brain doesn't want to be happy , because unhappiness creates a desire for action, and action is what ensures your survival.

Sadly most educational systems promote this kind of negative motivation, so people really tend to learn to act out of unhappiness and never really learn about passionate action-taking. You learn for your tests so you don't get bad grades. You get good grades so you don't end up jobless. You get a job because you don't want to end up on the street. This kind of motivation is usually very unstable, but it does it's job, even if it puts the students in a high-stress enviroment.

 

Anyways, there is another way to reach happiness. Our brain is neuroplastic, basicly meaning that it can change in unimaginable ways if conditioned right. You can literally change the way you view the world. Knowing that, we recognize that we can change integral parts of cognition within our minds. Infact, we can change the evaluation of certain information. We can change the systems within our brain to evaluate pain as something positive, or to not evaluate it at all. So instead of playing along with the system of negative evaluation, we try to change the evaluation itself. For example, if we suffer because we want to eat a cookie, instead of finding a way to get the cookie and eat it, we will find a way to stop wanting the cookie. We find a way to be absolutely satisfied with whatever we have. 

Of course, one must know how to change the system of evaluation, or how to shut it down. And one way to do that is to inflict pain and focusing entirely on the pain. By doing that, you will get a sense for the negative evaluation of the pain. Be aware of the negative evaluation, and ignore it. Your mind will scream "STOP IT! THIS HURTS! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP!...", but what you will do is keep focusing on the pain. Focusing on the feeling with every bit of focus you have. At first it might be difficult, but at some point you will develope an awareness for what exactly the evaluating part of mind is, and what the part is that processes the raw information. You want to use the part that processes the raw information. You will feel  the pain, even much more than usually, but you won't evaluate it in any way. You will accept it completely. You will train your brain not to create the desire to escape the state, and pain is one of the best teachers there is to learn this.

You can do this with any emotion there is. Loneliness, anger, fear, sadness, all of it. All of them serve a very specific purpose to create very specific kind of actions to ensure survival. And this system is based on an hostile enviroment, which most of us do not live in. Of course the more intense the pain the more work you will need to do. But you can literally develope yourself not to suffer when someone dies who you love. If someone loses a child, the pain they feel usually never goes away. It becomes part of them, and the only way they can stop the suffering is by accepting the pain completely, by removing the desire to change out of this state. People suffer the most when the brain creates an impossible task. When someone is dead, they stay dead, but the brain wants to find a way to escape that state. In your case it's the pain that you want to escape, and there is just no way to do so. The only way to stop suffering for you is to find a way to accept the pain. The pain will never stop, but you can learn to completely ignore it. It'll be like the feeling of your breath. Unless you try to be aware of it, it'll simply be there.

You can overcome any emotional state if you put the work into it. Infact, you can use the pain to exceed faster than anyone else. That is literally what the Zen-Buddhism tradition is about. They inflict suffering to get faster results.

Once you completely disassemble this system you can put a new one in place. One that creates action out of passion instead of pain. If you manage to do so, you'll be at the highest possible state of happiness, and you'll be able to do whatever you want. You will be more happy than the most wealthiest individuals on this planet. Infact, you will be luckier than anyone who won in the lottery. You will literally win the game of life.

Edited December 21, 2016 by Scholar