At the beach

[Gianna]

I'm at the beach. It's an overcast type of mellow wind calm day. I'm sitting on a lounge chair writing these words. I can feel the lifeguard staring at me. Partly because when I gazed to my right just a few moments ago I involuntarily met eyes with him. Now I can feel his presence each time he looks at me– which is not all of the time by the way. The point is that I can feel it when it happens. Don't all girls have this sixth sense? It doesn't matter if they show it or not, a girl always knows when you are looking at her. This is why we are so good at pretending when we have to. It's a survival mechanism really. We picked it up because we thought we had to. Anyway, I don't mind it. It's not that I think it's good or bad. It's just that when you remind me of myself I can't lose myself. I'm trying to lose myself over here. So much goes on in the mind but a lot happens outside of it too. What happens outside of it is simple that's why I like it– prefer it even. A stare. That's all it is. It means nothing in and of itself. It's not until the mind comes in that you get flooded with everything. With meaning. What are you making things mean?

The nature of your mind is the nature of your life. Is it neurotic and predictable? If it is then you don't know the true mind. The true mind is just as still as everything outside of it. Everyone has a true mind behind their neurotic one. Haven't you noticed you have more than one mind? Depending on how similar your minds are depends on you barely noticing the difference. If this difference is grand, oh boy. Now that's terrifying. But that's not to say that it's bad. You could call it multiple personality disorder but it's not really a disorder like I said everyone has it. It's just a question of, to what degree? 

The true mind is no mind at all. Chaos. Have you studied chaos theory? You know, that thing that says we can only accurately predict the weather within 10 days. Maybe it's 11? I don't know, don't quote me on the specifics. The point is that you can never know things for certain for too long. Thank god. The way I see chaos theory is this: everything is determined by what happened and then has free will. The thing is, everything is happening and already happened. It's like the simultaneous turn of a clock going clockwise and counter-clockwise. All of this academic debate over pre-determinism and free will. Can't you tell it's both? The answer to everything in life is always both. To say both is not to say balance there's a difference and that difference is called LIMIT. We are never limited even if we believe we are. We are always called to expand ourselves to hold space for both– to hold space for everything. It's just not very comfortable stretching yourself like this so not many people do it. 

Anyway, I wish you could see what I see. Between the far stretching ocean and sky, all I see is an array of blues– light blue, grey-blue, blue-white, blue-teal, dark blue. I'm from the desert so I'm not used to this much color. Oh yeah did I mention the beige-white color of the sand? I'm also wearing beige but it's a darker beige. I bring out the light beige of the sand and the sand brings out the dark beige in me. It's kind of romantic. Not to mention all of the colorful rocks in between. I see light-maroon, jean-blue, and charcoal colored rocks. Ooo I also see pearly white rocks. I think white is my favorite color because it's really all colors. Like a canvas that's painted on or a light shining through a prism. A blank canvas is like the true mind I was talking about earlier. And then the paint on top of it is like the neurotic one. When I say neurotic it might sound bad but it's not meant to be. Whatever you decide to paint is you. Just don't forget the canvas that breeds all potential. If it weren't for the canvas you couldn't paint. And so, if it weren't for your true mind you couldn't have a neurotic one. What did I say the true mind was again? Oh yeah, I said it was like everything that happens outside of it which is nothing at all. The lifeguard's stare was just a stare. What do you make of it?