When Am I Ready To Forgive My Parent?

[Rilles]

This person has put me and my family through mostly psychological and some physical abuse since before I even formed my first memory. I think this person has some sort Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I am really scared of this person and I also hate this person alot.

I feel like I want to forgive but I am afraid of getting abused again, even though I dont live near this person anymore. I think this has alot to do with my lack of self-esteem, I am afraid to fall into this persons hands again and it takes alot of responsibility from me to not let that happen, I basically have to really grow up.

I have done Leos forgiveness exercise, the first one, on everyone who hurt me but I still have my parent left. 

When will I be ready? What should I do? If I dont start I will hate this person forever, I am certain of that. 

 

[Thought Art]

Total Forgiveness

[Rilles]

4 minutes ago, Thought Art said:

Total Forgiveness

Thanks. 

[Thought Art]

@Rilles It's a great book if taken with a grain of salt. There is some really really valuable ideas around intelligent forgiveness in it. 

[Rilles]

1 minute ago, Thought Art said:

@Rilles It's a great book if taken with a grain of salt. There is some really really valuable ideas around intelligent forgiveness in it. 

Haha, sorry for being curt, I just wanted to start a discussion I guess, I basically know how to forgive I just dont know when... 

[Thought Art]

@Rilles I am sure others will contribute over time. This book speaks about that too. 

[Rilles]

2 minutes ago, Thought Art said:

@Rilles I am sure others will contribute over time. This book speaks about that too. 

Hm, interesting, I have a grudge against Christianity too so I guess I have to forgive that before I read the book though. 

[Nahm]

@Rilles

Hating on a player keeps you stuck playing. Hate on the whole game. This whole reality. It’s total bs that you had to forget your infinitude to be him. No fairness in that situation at all. Total fucking rip off. 

[Rilles]

6 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@Rilles

Hating on a player keeps you stuck playing. Hate on the whole game. This whole reality. It’s total bs that you had to forget your infinitude to be him. No fairness in that situation at all. Total fucking rip off. 

I dont hate the whole game, thats quite toxic, I just hate this particular player in the game. Like facing up to the final boss, Bowser. 

[mandyjw]

There's this spectacular beach I like to go to, but I can't get to it easily if the tide is high, I have to wade through the water and walk around but even then there's barely any beach to walk on. But if I wait for low tide then I can access whole beach and see all the rock formations that at high tide are covered in water. There's way more at low tide to explore than I'd have even have time for. 

When you are appreciating life, appreciating others, appreciating whatever you appreciate, it's as if the way clears out for you to explore what you normally can't see. If you are trying to do this when you're angry or hurt, the timing is wrong. Don't worry about any other timing than how you feel. You don't have to wait for the tide to turn, you ARE the tide and how you feel is the indicator of it. You do not have to focus on a subject that feels bad to you, choose another subject. Then, what was previously inaccessible about that subject will become visible and accessible. 

Edited September 27, 2021 by mandyjw

[Nahm]

@Rilles

Right. For sure. It all seems so easy for the true nature. Like, “I’ll just be reality and since I can’t actually not be me, everything will inevitably be awesome”. But we both know that’s not how it goes. This place reached the fucked beyond repair tipping point a very long time ago. The next generation will carry all the difficulties and mental baggage of the last. Nobody’s gonna step up and change a damn thing. 

[Rilles]

11 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

There's this spectacular beach I like to go to, but I can't get to it easily if the tide is high, I have to wade through the water and walk around but even then there's barely any beach to walk on. But if I wait for low tide then I can access whole beach and see all the rock formations that at high tide are covered in water. There's way more at low tide to explore than I'd have even have time for. 

When you are appreciating life, appreciating others, appreciating whatever you appreciate, it's as if the way clears out for you to explore what you normally can't see. If you are trying to do this when you're angry or hurt, the timing is wrong. Don't worry about any other timing than how you feel. You don't have to wait for the tide to turn, you ARE the tide and how you feel is the indicator of it. You do not have to focus on a subject that feels bad to you, choose another subject. Then, what was previously inaccessible about that subject will become visible and accessible. 

Very beautifully stated, quite poetic, thank you.❤️

[Guest EmptyVase]

@Rilles

Forgiveness feels a bit like the bigger brother of acceptance. Acceptance with more maturity, love, and understanding.

Acceptance, ime, is something that naturally arises. You can't just feel hate towards one thing, and then pretend to accept it, when you actually hate it. Fuck acceptance, if you ain't feeling it. Stay true to what you're really feeling, cause that's where the healing lies.

As it has been already suggested, express everything you feel & get it out of your system. Punch a bag, scream your guts out, run till your legs can't carry you anymore, whatever helps to get the tension out, do that. Just don't hurt anybody or yourself in the process, though a bleeding hand on a punch bag is acceptable.

Further tools for expression are: journaling, making music, drawing, talking with others, and so on.

 

[Rilles]

I guess I have more to gain by forgiving and more to lose by hating. Lol. My intution is on a see saw.

[Waken]

If forgiving him/them is something you tried, and it didn't work, maybe you tried the forgiveness 'out of your center'. Perhaps you tried forgiving with the intent to get your emotion away. Perhaps try to be loving and understanding with yourself (first) for what you've been through and loving the you that may still feel the pain or resentment that you may still carry. Not with the intention of getting rid of anything, but choosing to do it for giving your ego/yourself the gift of the love you crave in that area.

Edited September 27, 2021 by Waken

[Rilles]

13 minutes ago, Waken said:

If forgiving him/them is something you tried, and it didn't work, maybe you tried the forgiveness 'out of your center'. Perhaps you tried forgiving with the intent to get your emotion away. Perhaps try to be loving and understanding with yourself (first) for what you've been through and loving the you that may still feel the pain or resentment that you may still carry. Not with the intention of getting rid of anything, but choosing to do it for giving your ego/yourself the gift of the love you crave in that area.

I havent even tried yet, cold feet. 

Interesting take. Thank you! I want to forgive but Im very afraid too. 

Edited September 27, 2021 by Rilles

[Raphael]

Try to inspect yourself, inspect past events, try to understand the other person, try to see similarities between you and the other person (you both lack self-esteem for example), change the meaning and healing will start to happen progressively. Journaling can be very useful.

Also, if you meet this person again and can talk to him/her a bit (just a few tiny words), can have more compassion and acceptance while being around this person then you'll know that you are healing.

Edited September 27, 2021 by Raphael

[Rilles]

34 minutes ago, Raphael said:

Try to inspect yourself, inspect past events, try to understand the other person, try to see similarities between you and the other person (you both lack self-esteem for example), change the meaning and healing will start to happen progressively. Journaling can be very useful.

This is gold thank you! I will go into my Shadow as a first step to see our similarities.

Also, if you meet this person again and can talk to him/her a bit (just a few tiny words), can have more compassion and acceptance while being around this person then you'll know that you are healing.

Hes impossible to have a normal conversation with, sorry, like I said, hes a narcissistic, if you have ever met one you will fully understand. Every time he calls me he is only interested in telling me what to do, he never once asks how I am or how my life is going. 

 

Edited September 27, 2021 by Rilles

[Raphael]

Quote

Hes impossible to have a normal conversation with, sorry, like I said, hes a narcissistic, if you have ever met one you will fully understand. Every time he calls me he is only interested in telling me what to do, he never once asks how I am or how my life is going. 

To which degree is he narcissistic? Where would you put him on a scale from 1 to 10? Can you find a video of a similar person so that I can see?

[Rilles]

21 minutes ago, Raphael said:

To which degree is he narcissistic? Where would you put him on a scale from 1 to 10? Can you find a video of a similar person so that I can see?

I would put him on the scale at 6 and maybe 8 when is he in a bad mood. 

Sorry, cant find a video of it, you will have to research what it is. Heres a few attributes of what narcissists are like.

 

•Lack of empathy, emotionally distant but albeit superficially charming

•My way or the high way

•I know best

•Discussion is not allowed

•Its never my fault, its always someone elses fault

•The world is an evil place and everyone will try to trick you and deceive you

•People cannot be trusted

•Quick to anger

•Alot of Gaslighting "I never hurt you, youre just imaging that" "I have done everything for you and yet you complain, youre so ungrateful" 

•Hoovering: Tearing a person down emotionally causing emotional distance and then lovebombing them the day after, but never saying sorry, never any real true genuine connetion or compassion.  

•No respect for privacy, will gladly go through your phone, snoop through your room and closet, and anything thats yours when youre not aware, or even when you are aware. 

Edited September 27, 2021 by Rilles