Feeling Hate and Romantic Love [Neville Goddard]

[CreamPastry]

It's been almost a year and a half since I learned of Neville Goddard. I learned about manifestation and "the Law," and I've been reading the books that he published.  I feel like I'm becoming better and better in recognizing the life around me. I got rid of 20 years of depression, and I've been able to change my mentality. I'm a lot more aware of my feelings and quicker to correct my old habits of self-loathing and overthinking. If I go down a route where I feel like it's inevitable, I change my thought and it feels lighter, and I feel like I can do as much as I can for myself...I can do what I can for myself. It doesn't feel hard anymore.

It's still a process though because sometimes I overthink even my overthinking which makes me laugh writing this.

But, there's something that's been hurting me.

I discovered Neville Goddard through a man I met. We rarely talked before (we work in the same company), and he introduced me to NG because he recognized my heartbreak. I've been in love with a coworker for a while now. Maybe people can argue it's not love, but I've been smitten by him the first day we met, and he's shown me he was smitten by me too through funny behavior and overcompensations, to romantic and embarrassing lines and gestures... but he never did anything about it. 

When I learned about NG, I was ecstatic to find I can change this! I can bridge this gap between us, and I have been able to do that - it's just a work in process...but something's been lingering in the back of my mind.

The coworker who I met is someone who's been on the spiritual path for a long time. I'm not sure what stage of life he is in, but his goal is to become one with the universe - and he feels like it'll take him another 3-4 years to reach that state and forever "be gone" from our world. I know he has more insight than I do about this universe, and maybe I will never be close to understanding what he knows because I don't show interest in that... I want to live a happy life, that is my priority. Neville Goddard said never to tell people of what you manifest as they will reflect all the insecurities back to you. Well, me and this coworker often talked about our goals and he was giddy to tell me about his, so I thought maybe it would be okay... But I was wrong.

I told him the person I wanted to be with. I longed strongly for him. He's the only person I long for, I can't even imagine falling in love with anyone else. 

My coworker told me that we weren't good for one another. He was adamant and said that this man was a "fire body type" and I was a "water body type" and we were just not good for each other, and that "manifesting someone specific was evil."

That hurt me a lot. The least I wanted to do was cause the person I wanted to be with the most...this evil. 

After discovering how to calibrate 'truths' via David R. Hawkins, he started 'asking Angels' if manifesting a specific person was 'bad,' and he was astonished that "it wasn't." So he told me he was going to ask why and figure out why because all his life he was taught it was. He still said it was a bad thing for me to try to be with the person I want to be with.

After that conversation, I distanced myself away from this coworker, and furthermore got into a spiral of self-hate and hatred towards him.

I'm convinced that I want to be with this person. I want to try to be with him. But I feel a sadness where I feel like I shouldn't because it's something that someone who has more experience than me tells me not to. 
 

But I feel bad when I do. I do try. I still try. And when I give up, I get dreams of him touching me and talking to me. I never get dreams with him unless when it's at the point where I give up.

 

I guess, I'm not sure what to do...? How do I stop myself from hating someone who has my well-being in mind, and who establishes his authority? How do I stop hating myself for still liking this man and trying to move on? How do I stop hating myself trying to still be with him? 

And do those dreams mean anything? Is it okay...?

 

Edited: I actually don't hate him, but I can tell I scrutinize him when I'm in a lower mood than I usually am...and that bothers me.

 

 

Edited September 26, 2021 by CreamPastry

[mandyjw]

Most of our misunderstandings stem from our forgetting that love is not a thought or condition or something we can have or don't have. You only know love by how it feels. Love feels like love. We trick ourselves into thinking longing is love, or respect/fear giving authority is love. If it doesn't feel like love, it's not love, it's a resistant thought. 

We are taught that objects, people and circumstances have the power to control our happiness. We believe that they have the power to grant or take away our happiness. When you go directly to the peace and happiness and align with the feeling rather than waiting for circumstances to align to cause it, sometimes circumstances on their own also align, typically in a way more pleasing than we had hoped or expected. Align with feeling first. Often at first, it may look like a step in the wrong direction even. There may be a loss, a letting go. We may find that the object of our desire was deeply symbolic, and not itself the object we desired. However, the fulfillment we seek from it, is already within. What this is is the realization that the subject we are focusing on makes no difference, if we will only put how we feel first and be willing to drop subjects we are pushing against for a time, we are going in the direction of what we want. You get what you want by feeling good, regardless of whether you're directly focusing on the subject, or not, and maintain feeling good whether it comes or not. We came here to grow, to desire more, to create, to transform, the enjoy the process, not to despair in it. Trans-formation. Going beyond form. The fact that things are never fixed as they are, the fact that we are spirit not material is the background and is direct transformation itself. It is that which we desire out of, and it is what we desire. 

"Whenever your think of Me

it is I who am thinking of you

Whenever you love Me

is is I who am loving you

Whenever you long for Me

is is I who am longing for you

Your desire for happiness 

is the pull of grace on my heart" - Rupert Spira

 

"What you seek is seeking you." - Rumi

 

You do not get what you want by wanting it bad enough. You already are what you want by wanting it good enough. When we feel bad, we're moving away from what we want. 

Have you checked out Abraham Hicks? She teaches this on a feeling level that is much more direct than almost anyone else I've come across. 

[CreamPastry]

Thank you so much for responding. I have heard of Abraham Hicks, but I have yet checked her out. I will be sure to read on her as soon as I can (maybe even tonight). 

Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I honestly cried reading the quotes you submitted, and I feel like I can continue working on myself in a better light.

Quote

Align with feeling first.

 

Quote

You already are what you want by wanting it good enough. When we feel bad, we're moving away from what we want. 

I will be sure to remember this.

[mandyjw]

@CreamPastry