Conflict Between Assertiveness And "letting Go"

[Geki]

Hi there

I would like to discuss a problem I have for a long time, especially since I do self improvement work. Years before I always tolerated when someone behaved negatively and I was the one who apologized or calmed down just to avoid the conflict, even if I couldn't accept this behavior towards me.

Now I just had a new situation with my mother. The background is: She had a bad childhood and I guess because of her own problems and very little help from her parents she became a control freak. I have 4 siblings and my dad had to work hard so there was a lot of work for her. She did well though, because we all studied, have good jobs and good relationships/marriages.

Now that we all left home no one really calls her anymore. I asked around why is that because the only reason the whole family doesn't want to meet so often is my mother. It turned out that everyone hates that she only gives advises (or in other word how we do it wrong) and she only talks about problems, how hard her past was, what's wrong with today's people, how my sister and brother raise their children in a wrong way (she would do it differently) and so on. When we tell her we don't want to hear all that she feels totally offended and falls into a deep victim behavior and says things (while crying) like "All I do is wrong", "It's always my fault", "Everyone is against me"...

My problem is that I have no idea how to deal with people like this in general. After they fell into their victim pattern, they don't listen anymore and they want to put the blame on someone else (mostly the "attacker"). Years ago I just tolerated this bad behavior to get the peace back. But now I don't feel like I have to accept it anymore. I feel more like I'm allowed to say how I don't want to be treated.

I really would like to have a more positive relationship with her. Also because it would bring the family closer together.

I'm ready to change my own behavior if it will help - I just don't know in which direction. I hope you can help me finding a way.

[Geki]

Thanks for your reply! I really appreciate your thoughts.

That's actually what my siblings do and for them it seems the right option even if they wish to have it differently.

My mother wanted to talk about this topic today, I explained what we all feel, when getting those advices or (in our opinion) negative comments. After that talk she said she now understands and seemed to have in insight, but since it wasn't the first discussion I think it's temporary.

I guess I have to accept the fact that in her world it's necessary to protect someone else from doing a 'mistake' by telling him/her the 'right' way. So that giving an advice is a completely positive thing for her.

 

[vizual]

Ever suggested that it might be helpful for her if she visited a therapist to talk about her past traumas? If you really feels victimized by the past it doesn't really matter how the people around her act, she will always find a way to put herself in the role of the victim. It doesn't help her at all if you avoid the issue and ignore her behavior, it will only damage your relationship in the long run.

[Geki]

She already did some work on her past, but in my opinion a very bad and even destructive one. She is very religious and there are groups where they "heal" wounds from the past. After I've heard how they do it and who, I noticed that there are only other very religious people with no psychological  background considering themself as "healers". What they do is, they dig very deep in people's past, bring it to the light and then they don't know how to do the actual  work to release the pain. They just pray and that's it.

She would never go to a normal therapist, since she believes that she can only be healed in the church. Even if I can't see any improvent after she went 4 times to these week long sessions...

Whatever. I agree, there is no way to make the situation better from my side. I started personal development years ago and changed a lot. So yes, I can only act as a living example.

Thank you both!