Bringing up commitment before Sex

[cjoseph90]

Hi All. Should you communicate with a guy you’re seeing that you want a relationship before you have sex or just let it unfold naturally?. .I am seeing someone currently and feel a connection with him(we haven’t discussed labels), just seeing eachother, going on dates and enjoying eachothers company ect.

On the one hand I know boundaries are important and I need to speak my truth, as in telling the other person that I want something serious, however from all the conflicting information online that says that saying that you want a commitment  upfront ‘usually’  scares the guy and he should usually come to his own decision and/or go with the flow. As a female, I overthink more than I should about stuff that  really doesn’t matter. I know @Flowerfaeiry has a recent similar post. I don’t want to just have sex without commitment, and don’t want to share my sexual energy with anybody either. I understand I am giving off some fear energy writing this post.

I know that the answers is relative and every male is different, but I just wanted to hear your thoughts.

Thanks in advance, have a good day  

[Preety_India]

State your boundaries clearly to the guy. 

The guy who truly cares about you won't break them. 

You don't have to do anything to impress a guy. 

 

 

[Leo Gura]

Way too uptight.

Stop being so needy. Enjoy the other person and let things unfold organically.

No quality guy is going to commit to you before sex. Only a loser would do that.

If you are so stingy with your sexual energy then don't expect a quality guy in return. You gotta break some eggs to make a omelet. Sexual energy is not some scarce resource that you need to hoard like diamonds. If you're gonna be stingy with others then expect others to be stingy with you. You attract what you put forth.

This doesn't mean you should be the town slut. Just notice your scarcity mindset.

[cjoseph90]

thanks @Preety_India, boundaries are key

@Leo Gura, Yes you are absolutely correct with everything, i liked the analogy . I do want to express my sexual energy with him, or someone in general and have a commited relationship. I still have a lot of inner work to do, especially with self love.

Intresting to hear a males perspective on 'No quality guy is going to commit to you before sex'- never thought of that before.

However saying that I do still belive that *Some* guys will just take advantage of the sex  if it is just  given in the early stages,  thus unlikely to commit. Again just my belief and  what Ive found with past experiences. 

[Leo Gura]

19 minutes ago, cjoseph90 said:

However saying that I do still belive that *Some* guys will just take advantage of the sex  if it is just  given in the early stages,  thus unlikely to commit.

And some guys will fuck you over in business. But just because that's true does not mean you can approach your business partner like a thief.

Just the fact that you need him to commit to you before you've even slept with him already shows that you're way too needy. Why do you want commitment from a guy you don't even know?

The commitment conversation is usually had after a month of sleeping with someone and realizing you like them enough to want to commit. Until then you don't really know the person. You need to test drive the car before you buy it.

A new relationship must be approached with an attitude of confidence, positivity, and detachment. Not fear and neediness.

[Preety_India]

Do not listen to a man. 

Just like they tell men, don't listen to a woman. 

Not saying that you should never listen to a man. 

But your own gut as a woman works better in relationship situations. 

What kind of a society judges a man as a loser if a woman is happy with him? Fuck society and fuck the opinion of men, who cares? 

Do we live for ourselves or do we live for the world? 

If you know that you'll be taken advantage of then you don't need to be those kind of men. Its a lose lose situation 

How will a man know what it means to be a woman? Does he have a vagina and a woman's heart? 

A man can say your pussy is not that important, who cares, let him find his out of the universe pussy.

You aren't hoarding anything just wanting and needing what you need 

 

The same man who tells you that you are not important will be burning in jealousy when he will see you dancing with another guy 

You don't have to be victim to a man's insecurities. 

You be you and tell what you want what you need and be with the Man who really wants you, commits to you, quality or no quality. 

 

Do not listen to Patriarchal Nonsense. 

 

What you need is a very Firm Boundary 

A firm assertion and stand up for your own good. 

 

Edited September 25, 2021 by Preety_India

[Spiral]

I do think culture plays a role here. Personally I wouldn’t commit without having had sex yet. 

[cjoseph90]

yes true, I can see both sides of the coin, but the expression 'why buy the milk, if he can get the cow for free' comes to mind.

[zazen]

Just some thoughts, would love to hear other men and women's opinion on this. This is a dilemma a lot of women can face, and guys who wish to do the right thing or date with integrity. On the one hand theirs the view that women sleeping around can have negative consequences on their happiness / ability to pair bond, the other is that there is none and that we should embrace our sexuality. From a biological view women are more protective sexually as in the past having a child requires protection and provisioning so they naturally seek security of the man to stick around after sex, this is hardwired into women. Today in the modern environment and with technological advancement (birth control, protection etc) to have sex freely isn't a disaster in that way, however our biology is still primal and so reacts in its way to be wary of free sexuality. Maybe our consciousness/psychology and the way we think about sex can over ride our biology and so if society thought in this way / didn't have conservative hang ups on sexuality women wouldn't feel as torn about sleeping without commitment.

 

I think in general, women tend to need an emotional connection before sex, whereas for men an emotional connection is formed or not more so after sex (post nut clarity - after sexual needs are met a guy knows if he likes the girl for more than just her body, its more clear to him whereas up to sex he's clouded by his sexual urges). For women who wish to have commitment before sex, the problem arises that if there are other women sleeping  more easily, they take those men away and off the dating scene more easily, so it almost pushes more sexually wary women to do the same in order to even compete for men, until we have what we have now which is a mostly freely sexual society. 

 

As a guy, if I'm told women can be hurt emotionally from having multiple partners it makes me wonder how I should go about dating also. On the one hand you'd want to know if your sexually compatible, but at the same time you know if your not you may hurt the girls future happiness or contribute to her emotional wounds (after sleeping with her a few times) unless the view is wrong and women are generally more emotionally robust. 

 

Edited September 25, 2021 by zazen

[cjoseph90]

@zazen yea you make some good valid points, this is my dilema- I need an emotional connection before sex, but i know the issue is men arent biologically programmed the same way and also for the sexual compatibility with the other. Yes some men  will look at it with respect and others wont care either way. I know all depends on the guy.

[Nahm]

@cjoseph90

It’s not true that you want something serious, and it’s not true that you want to be committed to anyone, and it’s not true that you want anyone to be committed to you, and it is not true that you need emotional connection. 

You are like a rooster playing hen, taking rooster advice from a fox. 

?

Let it be clear what you truly do want, and it will be so. The heart can not break, the heart only breaks open, again, and again, and again, and again. That is what you want. 

 

[Late Boomer]

I think there's a balance. If my now wife hadn't had sex within around 3 dates I would have assumed no future and moved on. We actually had sex on the first date. Pretty obvious chemistry. 

I think you should both know if there's a serious relationship within a few months. 

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p33iirYYnrI

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0PA-pc-cJ7g

Edited September 25, 2021 by Raze

[Federico del pueblo]

@cjoseph90

Quote

Should you communicate with a guy you’re seeing that you want a relationship before you have sex or just let it unfold naturally?

If this is how it is for you, then of course you should communicate it, otherwise he may start wondering why you don't have sex even though there is a good connection.

And should it be like this at all? Only you can know. Only you can question your exact motives and whether they are really yours or if they were attained from somewhere else. If your beliefs "make sense" or not.

Is it possible that some men will be repelled by such a behaviour and then not commit?

Yes that's possible. But you simply have to live with it. You must be the person you want to be and then attract whoever is compatible with who you are.

So ask yourself what you want: do you want to be you or do you want to maximize the percentage of men you can attract?

Quote

On the one hand I know boundaries are important and I need to speak my truth, as in telling the other person that I want something serious, however from all the conflicting information online that says that saying that you want a commitment  upfront ‘usually’  scares the guy and he should usually come to his own decision and/or go with the flow.

Here you seem to be confused. Boundaries are important, but boundaries are not yet another technique to make somebody like you. It's not like you assert your boundaries primarily to gain respect and thus maybe attraction, you assert your boundaries because they are your boundaries.

If you do that you cannot then wonder "but do my boundaries maybe make the guy dislike me!?!!?" because then you don't actually have boundaries, you're still just trying to not be disliked.

Asserting your boundaries and truly being who YOU want to be comes with the cost of some people disliking you (but also many people liking you).

So what's more important to you? Your boundaries and who you are OR never being disliked/rejected?

[Etherial Cat]

3 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Way too uptight.

Stop being so needy. Enjoy the other person and let things unfold organically.

No quality guy is going to commit to you before sex. Only a loser would do that.

If you are so stingy with your sexual energy then don't expect a quality guy in return. You gotta break some eggs to make a omelet. Sexual energy is not some scarce resource that you need to hoard like diamonds. If you're gonna be stingy with others then expect others to be stingy with you. You attract what you put forth.

This doesn't mean you should be the town slut. Just notice your scarcity mindset.

2 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

And some guys will fuck you over in business. But just because that's true does not mean you can approach your business partner like a thief.

Just the fact that you need him to commit to you before you've even slept with him already shows that you're way too needy. Why do you want commitment from a guy you don't even know?

The commitment conversation is usually had after a month of sleeping with someone and realizing you like them enough to want to commit. Until then you don't really know the person. You need to test drive the car before you buy it.

A new relationship must be approached with an attitude of confidence, positivity, and detachment. Not fear and neediness.

I think your comment is taking excessively a masculine vantage point here, Leo,

You are venting out possibly some frustration about how females are "sexually stingy", but the reality is that the female experience is energetically at the opposite side of the spectrum you are familiar with.

What she wants is a guy who is there because he's interested, not because he's looking to empty his balls.

If you had a daughter, ask yourself if you would give her the same advice? Knowing to what extend many men will outlook a female's agenda for their desire for sex, you'd probably understand why it's important that she feels like this guy has also her best interest in mind.

Women are the like the egg. We chose who gets in meticulously and this is done by sorting out who is compatible ahead. It's not a house party for everyone to get it.

Just like the female reproductive system has safeguard to select the best sperm, the female body and psyche is the same when it comes to chose who is compatible for sex ahead.

3 hours ago, cjoseph90 said:

Hi All. Should you communicate with a guy you’re seeing that you want a relationship before you have sex or just let it unfold naturally?. .I am seeing someone currently and feel a connection with him(we haven’t discussed labels), just seeing eachother, going on dates and enjoying eachothers company ect.

On the one hand I know boundaries are important and I need to speak my truth, as in telling the other person that I want something serious, however from all the conflicting information online that says that saying that you want a commitment  upfront ‘usually’  scares the guy and he should usually come to his own decision and/or go with the flow. As a female, I overthink more than I should about stuff that  really doesn’t matter. I know @Flowerfaeiry has a recent similar post. I don’t want to just have sex without commitment, and don’t want to share my sexual energy with anybody either. I understand I am giving off some fear energy writing this post.

I know that the answers is relative and every male is different, but I just wanted to hear your thoughts.

Thanks in advance, have a good day  

The thing is, there is no timeline to when you desire to have sex with a man. It depends on what you are looking for. You've got the right for a one night stand as much as you've got the right for looking something more serious. You've got also the right to no sex at all if that's what you chose.

What I get from your post is that you are currently wondering if this guy is interested in you in the same way as you are in him. And that is totally legit. So I wouldn't listen to anyone telling you you should suppress or overrun this feeling and have sex.

To me, the ideal situation is to feel like you're dealing with a man who values you and for whom having sex is part of how the relationship is naturally unfolding. It's quite intuitive, and your ability to screen this is is always a question of intimacy and ability to read someone's energy. 

If you suspect this man is not on the same page as you, just dive into his psyche by asking him general questions about the whole topic as part of a conversation in many other subjects and make up your mind discreetly. 

What's important is not so much the spoken commitment but the presence or the premises of this unspoken mutual respect and genuine care for one another.

Edited September 25, 2021 by Etherial Cat

[somegirl]

I would actually ask a guy what he is looking for on a date. Either first or second date. After all, you both know why you went on a date. It's not like you went on a date to discuss potential friendship, but to discuss potential relationship, if there is attraction. So it's not weird to ask if he's looking for something serious on a date. Believe me, it won't scare them away. If he's that easily scared away you got your answer anyway. 

Reason I give this advice: One of my friends discussed this with her boyfriend in the beginning stage of relationship, and they are 4 years together and still going. So the right guy will not run away, if his intentions are good and non-malicious. Just talk like two mature adults. That way noone gets confused and everything is clear.

I would also recommend to you to listen to people who have successful relationships for advice on this matter, not ones who think they know what they're talking about, but never actually had long term relationships. Just like you wouldn't listen to poor person for a business advice.

 

Edited September 25, 2021 by somegirl

[Harlen Kelly]

3 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Only a loser would do that.

A virgin would commit before sex as well, so two kinds of people.

@cjoseph90 Let's assume the guy commits to a relationship before having sex with you, and the guy happens to be terrible in bed or he simply commits to you, has sex with you and then ghosts you. Then what?

Edited September 25, 2021 by Harlen Kelly

[Girzo]

1 hour ago, cjoseph90 said:

I need an emotional connection before sex

Then make it. Emotional connection =/= commitment, two different things. You make that emotional connection by talking openly, sincerly and with depth, not demanding some empty promise of commiting. It would be empty, because you have to try see if you are compatibile with your partner in all areas that matter, and sex matters.

No-one is saying you need to have sex on a first date, or a second or even a third or fourth. But it should happen somewhere during the first month of hanging out together I think.

I am quite a weirdo, but I have given my gf a challange that if she wants to be my gf she has to do 2 of 3 things that are important to me, to see if we are really compatibile. She has done all three, that's how you know you have found girlfriend material, heh, she is not afraid to invest in you. I was the one to invest in that relation a little bit first, though, by talking sincerly about my doubts, fears and planning superb dates. But that initial investment has paid me great dividends.

[zazen]

When leo says quality guys won't wait around its because their in demand and have other girls who will sleep with them and give them a chance to get to know them. Thats where we'r at in todays world, a guy would rather get know and figure if he likes a girl whilst getting his sexual urges met and girls are willing to do that. Guys get love goggles from sex and can become comfortable getting it which makes them want to commit to that eventually, rather than being on the dating scene having to face rejection.  In the past when there wasn't sex available like that then guys were incentivised to commit because they couldn't get their needs met any other way.

Obviously there are guys who will appreciate a girl holding off and wanting commitment before sex, the more serious minded but even then they'd want to eventually test the sexual chemistry, just after knowing you a while. Have to also be careful of guys who lead girls on to get their needs met without any commitment down the line, as you mentioned why buy the cow when he can get the milk for free. It is tricky now days, the happy medium I can think of is find out what he's looking for and where he's at in life, try avoid sleeping on the first date. If he wants a 2nd/3rd date at least he's serious about knowing you and is investing. That way you weed out the time wasters or guys who just wanted sex. Usually by the 4th date guys will start to get impatient and may feel a girl is just using them for dates, in which case also don't expect or even suggest expensive dates so the guy knows you want to get to know him and not just use him in that way. He'll be more inclined to go past the 3rd date if they aren't heavy on the wallet. 

4 hours ago, cjoseph90 said:

@zazen yea you make some good valid points, this is my dilema- I need an emotional connection before sex, but i know the issue is men arent biologically programmed the same way and also for the sexual compatibility with the other. Yes some men  will look at it with respect and others wont care either way. I know all depends on the guy.

 

Edited September 25, 2021 by zazen

[Karmadhi]

@Leo Gura 

7 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

No quality guy is going to commit to you before sex. Only a loser would do that

Define quality guy. I feel like you call players quality guys or something. A kind, caring, honest, trustworthy, intelligent person with healthy boundaries and self respect is a quality guy.

Charisma, charm, confidence and assertivness do not make someone a quality guy. Neither do muscles, good looks, money or social status. What matters is integrity, how he treats you not the superficial stuff i wrote above. 

Bottom line: A guy with personality traits that could potentially make him abusive is not a quality good.

Just like a hot girl with nice body and face is not a quality girl either. Character is what matters.

Stop being so shallow plz.

We are more than bullshit survival agendas from pre historic times.

 

Edited September 25, 2021 by Karmadhi