Deep thoughts of hate

[Javfly33]

I'm broken after nightgame session. It was the night I approached by far more women, and I was on a microdose of lsd (I don't know if this was a mistake or not). I was pushed by (finally/thankfully) a experienced wingman. 

Took a lot of rejections, felt the creepiest of the creepiest, and felt the worst guy ever.

I think I just hate myself

Yeah, it's that, I'm having constant thoughts of self hate. How the fuck I am going to be attractive to a nice girl if meanwhile I'm saying things to her I'm thinking whatever I'm saying is shit and bad?

Can just please somebody tell me ITS POSSIBLE TO GET OUT OF THIS NIGHTMARE, I think my anxiety/social anxiety and my problems with dating stuff sex, women so on , it's all intertwined into one big mess of hate inside my body. How the fuck I beat this monster. 

Please tell me it's possible. I don't mind the pain, I mind not knowing if I'll ever be free of this shit

 

[The0Self]

That's deep self compassion speaking there. It's beautiful and has no need to be recognized as such.

[Javfly33]

@The0Self

26 minutes ago, The0Self said:

That's deep self compassion speaking there. It's beautiful and has no need to be recognized as such.

That's right, I'm not sure I understand you... 

 

Edited September 25, 2021 by Javfly33

[The0Self]

6 minutes ago, Javfly33 said:

@The0Self

That's right, I'm not sure I understand you... 

 

There’s nothing to understand.

[Javfly33]

35 minutes ago, The0Self said:

There’s nothing to understand.

I'm afraid taking the microdose might have been a bad decision and might have traumatized myself tonight. 

[The0Self]

20 minutes ago, Javfly33 said:

I'm afraid taking the microdose might have been a bad decision and might have traumatized myself tonight. 

It’s not you that made the decision anyway. There’s nothing to forgive or to heal from. I hear you though — yeah the psychedelics can really seem to turn up the reality meter on the social fabric. The social fabric is based on the baseless yet unavoidable assumption that there’s someone who has a life that can be made better or worse through their own free will. Yes it can seem quite real. In all that, there’s something else beyond those apparent stakes happening all the while, and it has no stakes and asks nothing.

[Leo Gura]

Just shut up and keep going out as often as you can.

Less thinking, more action. And when you are not acting, stop thinking.

You're way overthinking all this. You don't need all this second-guessing. Just drop it. Take action without thinking about it.

You don't need to second-guess yourself every time you go to take a shit. You just go. You don't doubt your ability to take a shit and you don't need to think about it. Make that your attitude towards going out.

[Superfluo]

@Javfly33 I think LSD amplified your perceptions of yourself and of your behavior. You might want to do some healing: facing your wounds, dealing with negative beliefs, and so on. Taking LSD was not a "mistake": it went that way because you needed this experience. You needed it in order to have the opportunity to let this negative stuff come to the surface, so that you can heal it.

[Raptorsin7]

@Javfly33 Have you thought about taking a break from dating and pick up, and focusing on your emotional health and well being?

You would probably get more benefit out pick up if you were more stable

[Late Boomer]

Maybe online dating would be less stressful? That's how I got out of my slump. 

[PurpleTree]

i'm a wimp when it comes to approaching because of shame, anxiety etc.

 

 

but i think if you stop to go out now this can turn into a real trauma, even if you wait for too long

better don't wait too long and get out again and try, like after a car accident etc. you should not wait too long with driving again

or the anxiety will be overwhelming

[Nahm]

@Javfly33

You can’ think yourself. Feeling tells you so. That is the exit from the nightmare. 

12 hours ago, Javfly33 said:

I'm broken after nightgame session. It was the night I approached by far more women, and I was on a microdose of lsd (I don't know if this was a mistake or not). I was pushed by (finally/thankfully) a experienced wingman. 

Took a lot of rejections, felt the creepiest of the creepiest, and felt the worst guy ever.

I think I just hate myself

Yeah, it's that, I’m having constant thoughts of self hate. How the fuck I am going to be attractive to a nice girl if meanwhile I’m saying things to her I’m thinking whatever I’m saying is shit and bad?

Can just please somebody tell me ITS POSSIBLE TO GET OUT OF THIS NIGHTMARE, I think my anxiety/social anxiety and my problems with dating stuff sex, women so on , it's all intertwined into one big mess of hate inside my body. How the fuck I beat this monster. 

Please tell me it's possible. I don't mind the pain, I mind not knowing if I’ll ever be free of this shit

 

Has literally nothing to do with dating, approaching, psychedelics, anxiety, social anxiety, or anything you’re believing it does. Only has to do with you can not think yourself. 

Stop being so gullible & gravely mislead that you believe buying what someone’s selling addresses this. It doesn’t. That’s the same gullibility believing these thoughts. 

You are a vibrational being in a vibrational universe attracting. Yet trying to pound everything into place, and blaming a yourself when the square pegs don’t fit in the round whole, and believing all those thoughts and internalizing & identifying by those thoughts. 

Imagine these self referential stories you tell are movies and notice, you wouldn’t even buy a ticket to go see that movie. If you’re gonna story tell, make it the wanted story indicative of the true awesomeness as the creator. You don’t suck, you’re fucking awesome. Some of the stories you tell kinda do suck to experience though. 

There is no self to fix. There is no self which something is wrong with. There is not that separate self… there is the thought activity about a separate self. 

Let the denial of this (thought attachment) go, and that instant there is alignment, resonance, truth. Awareness is aware of thought, perception and sensation… not thought, perception, sensation, and a separate self. 

[Federico del pueblo]

What kind of personal development do you do outside of taking action "in the field"?

[Javfly33]

@Nahm thanks ? It does feel bad these stories and it def would be nice if there is no self as you say. 

@Leo Gura "Just shut up" Lol you always so hard with me Leo. But I get your point I need to stop fucking around with my mind. I think the microdose made it worse in this case. I think I'm putting psychs for a long time now and focusing on results and material goals. Approach, socialization,  and go out for a whole year each weekend and just shut the fuck up and only contemplate until one year has passed of doing this. Yeap.might be a good idea.

@PurpleTree I feel emotionally drained but at least i feel yesterday broke through approach anxiety a lot.@Raptorsin7  And what would I do? I have done a lot of instrospection this last years, some trips here and there, and they haven't really solved the root thing. At the end of the day the root problem it's imaginary, so I will keep going out and try to focus on what I want in life. (Even though my fucking mind tells me each second that there's something wrong with me) @Nahm 

I don't think my life is that unstable. I've always felt like fucking shit most of my adult life while socializing with most people and of course with girls. Nowdays I'm just honest lmao

 

Edited September 25, 2021 by Javfly33

[The0Self]

10 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Just shut up

Hey, it's better than Jim Newman's response from something similar: "I'll buy you the rope." 

[Nahm]

39 minutes ago, Javfly33 said:

Nowdays I'm just honest lmao

Don’t underestimate that. That is so to speak the ‘true’ ‘work’. For one being honest it is only a matter of time before the notion something’s wrong with you is recognized as judgement / just the thoughts or thought activity that it is. It’s just that little bit of relief noticing that each time said thoughts roll around or arise. Don’t hold expectation for breakthroughs, game changers, etc - it’s just about that little bit of relief and more & more feeling & knowing that feeling. The thoughts are apparent. So there might be that relief right now in the thought… ‘there is apparently, as in seemingly something wrong with me’. That slight change is what it’s all about. Not the trips etc. Also, contrary to popular belief, there are no “deep” thoughts. That there are, is just one thought, that there are. Believing such a thought = believing a “big” or “deep” solution is needed or could be on some “horizon”. That “deep thoughts” concept is what leads to the “deep problem” conceptualization of simple self evident feeling. Specifically, it leads to ‘deep thoughts of hate’… vs ‘ok, I wanna let being so judgmental go’. 

Also really be aware of the old habitual tendency to commiserate. Like some people stub their toe, say ouch, and are mindful to be more careful. Pain happens, such is life. While yet other people stub their toe and start googling to connect with others who’ve also stubbed their toe, forming a support group, discussing methods of toe stubbing prevention, how to heal from a stubbed toe, etc, etc, etc mfing, etc, etc. If it feels like shit it’s shit. No need to keep chewing it and ‘make sure’. Just let the shit go whenever the shit arises. 

[Javfly33]

2 hours ago, Nahm said:

Don’t underestimate that. That is so to speak the ‘true’ ‘work’. For one being honest it is only a matter of time before the notion something’s wrong with you is recognized as judgement / just the thoughts or thought activity that it is. It’s just that little bit of relief noticing that each time said thoughts roll around or arise. Don’t hold expectation for breakthroughs, game changers, etc - it’s just about that little bit of relief and more & more feeling & knowing that feeling. The thoughts are apparent. So there might be that relief right now in the thought… ‘there is apparently, as in seemingly something wrong with me’. That slight change is what it’s all about. Not the trips etc. 

????

2 hours ago, Nahm said:

… vs ‘ok, I wanna let being so judgmental go’. 

 

???

 

[hamedsf]

don't escape, embrace it and allow yourself to suffer and burn in order to grow more.

 

[kamwalker]

Too much thinking. When socializing there shouldn’t be much thought at all. This is where the flow of interactions are generated. Right now the anxiety is coming through and dictating the interaction instead. 

[Emotionalmosquito]

I totally get you. I’ve had numerous similar experiences microdosing on nights out only not all have sucked to that extent. Is there any chance you may have taken slightly too much for a social setting? Lucy is very VERY dosage sensitive. An amount smaller than the eye can see can mean the difference between “get me out of here now, I need to be alone” and “I feel like talking to people”