How long do you wait to have sex?

[Flowerfaeiry]

Quick question for the ladies and then another for the guys...

Girls, do you like to wait an amount of time before having sex with someone? 

Men, does a girl gain your respect for putting off sex until she feels she's more ready? 

Currently in a situation where I actually like a guy (possible potential for relationship, we'll see...) and don't want him to think less of me for giving it up early (it could on our second date). 

On an even more personal note, I've slept with 4 men this year (2 one night stand type situations and 2 couple month long dating situations) already and have been feeling a bit wary to share my sexual energy with "just another guy". But I do see more potential with this current one than the others.

Is having sex on the second date a turn-off? feeling worried I will ruin something and not earn his respect...?Hearing lots of conflicting things and I'm just not sure so want some of your wisdom. 

[Late Boomer]

We had sex on our first date and are now married. I would have waited about 3 dates. After that I probably would have moved on. I may be a special case though. 

[Federico del pueblo]

No, a girl doesn't gain more respect from me if she puts off sex when there already is good sexual chemistry going on.

But some guys may have this attitude and view women as cheap when they have sex very early, though those are usually not guys with options (so they view it as cheap when girls do that with other guys, but not necessarily with them, but no girls do it with them anyway ?), anyway if a guy is judgemental in that sense you shouldn't want to pursue him anyway.

If anything I may become suspicious whether she's trying to play some kind of game on me by putting it off for to long, as in "I'm special, you have to wait and work more if you want me" ("I'm the price") or "I'm classy and hard to get".

After a third date without sex I'd probably move on, unless there was a obvious reason for which sex was not possible.

[aurum]

@Flowerfaeiry

Speaking from my own experience, I wouldn’t say sleeping on the second date would make me lose respect for her.

But there is a possibility of rushing into things physically before both of you are ready. Especially when we have rules in our head about when sex “should” occur.

I would let it be more intuitive than that. Listen to your body.

[The0Self]

Totally useless info but I can chime in:

Usually second date but if it's possible on first, then first. Totally would not think any less of a woman whatsoever if it was first date. Having sex on second (or later) date purely out of principle though? Strikes me as a rather artificial, gamey thing... but that's just IMO. I don't know. It can just play out naturally. Good luck! 

[Breakingthewall]

2 hours ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

Men, does a girl gain your respect for putting off sex until she feels she's more ready? 

Zero .completely irrelevant. If there is magic, the thing flows, a kiss is an explosion of sensuality, seeing that person is joy, after sex you do not know who you are and who she is, in sex you merge hours with each other ... is someone going to think something about nothing?

[The0Self]

4 minutes ago, Breakingthewall said:

Zero .completely irrelevant. If there is magic, the thing flows, a kiss is an explosion of sensuality, seeing that person is joy, after sex you do not know who you are and who she is, in sex you merge hours with each other ... is someone going to think something about nothing?

Yeah, exactly; for any man worth dating it is utterly irrelevant. There would just be magic playing out exactly as it does.

[Breakingthewall]

53 minutes ago, The0Self said:

Yeah, exactly; for any man worth dating it is utterly irrelevant. There would just be magic playing out exactly as it does.

Yes, if there is magic, there is magic, and if there isn't...there isn't. and anything else is irrelevant

[hyruga]

Hold for as long as you can.

You have to make him work for it. Make him get invested in you. Make him cherish the relationship. 

He has to do something that's more special than normal. Not just mere sweet-talking and drinking (at cafe or pub). 

 

[hyruga]

4 minutes ago, d0ornokey said:

Could you say this hurts intimacy? 

No. There must be a good narrative between the both of you. This builds up relationships. Not kill them.

For example, if the guy and you have been to many places, been to Disneyland, been hiking, been skydiving, diving and stuff. Hell even watching tons of movies or netflix counts. There's stronger relationship and intimacy. This makes the relationship long lasting. A relationship that's built on sex will die fast without sex.

You may think it's lame and it's selfish but life has always been like this. Why don't you stop breathing so that the person next to you has more oxygen to survive?

[The0Self]

51 minutes ago, hyruga said:

Hold for as long as you can.

You have to make him work for it. Make him get invested in you. Make him cherish the relationship. 

He has to do something that's more special than normal. Not just mere sweet-talking and drinking (at cafe or pub). 

I almost fell asleep reading this. Boring.... zzzzzzzzzzz...  sorry I'm just messing with you lol

[Flowerfaeiry]

5 hours ago, The0Self said:

for any man worth dating it is utterly irrelevant. 

That makes so much sense when I think about it like that. 

[Flowerfaeiry]

5 hours ago, d0ornokey said:

Just my 2c but I wouldn't want to date a guy who is judging me in my sexuality. But I guess it depends on your priority 

You're totally right, the thought didn't cross my mind lol. 

[Etherial Cat]

@Flowerfaeiry

It depends. I find that there aren't any general rules that apply to all cases.

I mean, if we are talking about a tinder date with someone you've never spoken to before or if you're finally getting on a romantic night out with someone you've known for years, you're not exactly in the same situation. 

My opinion is that most of the time there is no rush, and things can mature until you get to know someone a bit and learn how to value him/her and vice versa. To me, the right moment is when both have a feeling of trust and ease about it.

Edited September 25, 2021 by Etherial Cat

[Breakingthewall]

do not underestimate sex. It's not: oh, we like each other and we like Disneyland and wine. Let's make boyfriends and then let's have sex. no. is, if a kiss flows, if the contact takes your breath away, if, in short, sex works as it should ... that person and you are essentially compatible. your body knows more than your mind. mind for business, for relationships 100% energy. Letting yourself be carried away by the mind when it comes to a relationship is a guarantee of eternal boredom, gray life and being a coward. if the heart flows, the mind must adapt, even if the chosen person is the opposite of "the person in your dreams"(ufff)

[Tudo]

Well, I wouldn't really trust what most men say on this subject. Most of them feel pressured to say they don't care about body count and everything else.

Edited September 25, 2021 by Tudo

[Nahm]

It almost sounds like all you care about (are focused on) is the sex. (Not to imply that is the case). No regard for the enjoyment of getting to know him, discovering more about yourself in the process, developing a relationship, etc. What about literally not thinking about sex… taking it out of the equation altogether… if what you really want is to fall in love and to have a happy healthy long term relationship? Not to imply a suggestion of truth in opposites, as in, if what you do really want most is just sex, then just have sex. In that case not one iota of what you’re thinking about matters or is applicable at all. 

[Breakingthewall]

@Nahm you are right as far as I'm concerned . I think that the romantic relationship is an instinctive relationship in which humans allow ourselves to be carried away by a "trap" that nature sets for procreation, and that has nothing to do with friendship, selflessness and nobility. As we create family ties, we have established that sexuality must be accompanied by commitment, which inevitably (imo) leads to frustration, guilt and pretense. with what I prefer to let myself go, cultivate relationships of pure friendship in which desire does not intervene, and enjoy sex if life brings me that, and if it does not, try to forget sex, which is not easy

With the sole exception of deciding to have children, a situation that I am not sure how to approach but that would have to arise in a clear, spontaneous and perfect way. if not, there is no problem in not having them. it is a very complicated matter. interesting to consider innovative possibilities 

On second thought, the honest thing, the right thing, would be to avoid sex except with the intention of procreating, or at least if you don't care if that happens. anything else is falsehood. Really complicated matter. Honesty, i don't know where is the right behavior here. This is the problem if you analyze this matter...better to flow and let's go to the troubles? 

Pd: i withdraw all of the above, I just know that I know nothing

Edited September 25, 2021 by Breakingthewall

[zazen]

Maybe not the politically correct thing to say and the women's answer would differ from the mens, but as a guy who can get sex quite easily when a girl doesn't put out on the first date even when there is chemistry, it shows some constraint and that she values herself, getting a guy to work a little and so I value her and her maturity. The thinking goes if I can get her to be sexual with me on the first date, so could any other guy so whats so special about me, or she doesn't have control over herself in which case in a relationship I'd be worried of another guy swooping her too easily.  If I'm just looking for casual hook ups then its fine and it's not that you look down on the girl or lose respect, it just is what it is. Everyones exploring their sexuality differently or in a different phase. 

 

[The0Self]

32 minutes ago, zazen said:

Maybe not the politically correct thing to say and the women's answer would differ from the mens, but as a guy who can get sex quite easily when a girl doesn't put out on the first date even when there is chemistry, it shows some constraint and that she values herself, getting a guy to work a little and so I value her and her maturity. The thinking goes if I can get her to be sexual with me on the first date, so could any other guy so whats so special about me, or she doesn't have control over herself in which case in a relationship I'd be worried of another guy swooping her too easily.  If I'm just looking for casual hook ups then its fine and it's not that you look down on the girl or lose respect, it just is what it is. Everyones exploring their sexuality differently or in a different phase. 

 

Appreciate the contribution, but from here all I can say is that whether she "puts out" on the first date or even in the first hour is completely irrelevant and I wouldn't think even slightly less of her, neither in relation to how much of a catch she is nor to how much she's compatible with me nor to how much I should worry about her cheating. In fact, even cheating itself is actually completely irrelevant to me now, and THAT's the only thing I'd say most others won't relate to, as it wasn't always that way for me... But now, as far as I'm concerned, if she wants to cheat, then as long as she tells me, I'm totally fine with it -- and that's actually never even happened to me. In my experience, if you don't care if a woman cheats, she generally will not cheat, because you're quite secure. And even if she does, no one gives a fuck. If anything the only problem this presents is the woman getting jealous (of other women you talk to) rather easily because you're perceived almost as un-have-able, unless she has the same outlook on cheating, which takes a very, very mature (and/or perhaps naturally polyamorous?) woman. Of course if you both have that same outlook, there's no such thing as cheating anyway.

Edited September 25, 2021 by The0Self