Single life is too comfortable

[Leo Gura]

23 hours ago, tolo said:

Ok to be more clear, most people approach me to have sex only, not because they want to know me better. And I´m not into that anymore...  

That's just how it starts.

No guys approaches a girl because he wants to know her better. He approaches for sex and then it snowballs into something deeper.

Learn to filter guys, but be open. You sound way too closed and judgmental. If a guy approaches you for sex you should be flattered and open to exploring the possibilities. Which is not to say you don't screen him.

You need to learn to screen guys in non-superficial ways. A lot of you ladies screen in extremely superficial ways, which boomerangs on you. You don't have to sleep with him to screen him.

The mere fact that a guy wants to have sex with you is not reason enough to reject him. This is silly.

[Manusia]

14 hours ago, tolo said:

currently I Live in a stage red/blue country. Most of the people I meet here have different interests and priorities than I have, and I do not want to force myself to change my life just to make it work.

@tolo Relate af. I thinking this as well. No commitment issue at all. I approach multiple local girl in my area and we talk even go out but eventually... nah it is not gonna work.. We have very different worldview and I realize I need to put some hard work to make this relationship running. But even to start this relationship is like cutting my own value. When talking to blue people, it is just weird you know.. Like their emotional awareness is cutted so much and then the conversation is unflexible. The fuck I dont want to cut off myself too much for just having a girl.. Fit in doesnt work together with self development.. And I dont chase sex in relationship, I leaning more towards mutual emotional and personal growth, sex is topping. Most ppl in my area dont know about personal development either, and so yeah im out for now.

[tolo]

4 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

That's just how it starts.

No guys approaches a girl because he wants to know her better. He approaches for sex and the then it snowballs into something deeper.

Learn to filter guys, but be open. You sound way too closed and judgmental. If a guy approaches you for sex you should be flattered and open to exploring the possibilities. Which is not to say you don't screen him.

You need to learn to screen guys in non-superficial ways. A lot of you ladies screen in extremely superficial ways, which boomerangs on you. You don't have to sleep with him to screen him.

The mere fact that a guy wants to have sex with you is not reason enough to reject him. This is silly.

The thing is that i have learned to filter guys. Sex alone is not a reason to reject a men of course, but thats not what I mean. ?But I am talking out of experience. Men that want sex ONLY are mostly married, have at least one girlfriend, or not into relationships in that moment. And I can tell that out of experience. I am sure that many women know this kind of "dick pic" sending guys online? The guy that  sends a pic of his dick, even before saying "hi" or his name. And surely some women feel attracted to this kind of guy, which is totally okay, but I am not which is also totally okay.  And most of the men approaching me, are exactly this type of guys, just in real life and not ever messenger.  I hope now it’s more clear what I meant. And cultures are different all around the world, as you surely know. Here where I currently live the "macho-culture" is quite common, and also very accepted by the females here. And yes me as a human, I do have a type, and thats just not my type, i was raised in another country and other culture1. I could give everyone a chance that tries to approach me, but that would be a waste of time and  that’s why we learn to create to filter people, exactly what you talked about. I mean a lot of those guys that want sex with me are even over 55! The oldest one was 67. They have families and grandchildren!! What to try there??? But to be honest, my problem is not the age, its the attitude, i am not attracted to this kind of attitude. I am not so naive anymore as I was when I was younger, to think that everyone is compatible with each-other. People have different ideas, personalities, backgrounds, and opinions, and not everyone is a good fit. And of course I was approached by different kind of guys also, but the majority of my experiences was very similar here in this country. 

[Waken]

13 hours ago, tolo said:

I have been in some relationships in the past,  just because of the fear of not having someone. But now I am actually quite happy as a single and i feel comfortable being single. The pressure, of having someone, was always my motivation to find a new partner, but now I don’t feel this pressure anymore. And my friend brought up that I might have developed commitment Issues because of my past relationships. But I don’t want to be in a relationship anymore just to be with someone, I’m done with that.

Why was there fear for not having someone? How others would see you if you didn't have someone? Like a fear of being seen as not a competent/worthy woman or so? I've been wondering lately what the motivation is for the people around me to try to be into relationships all the time. I thought perhaps mostly trying to feel whole/complete, but didn't consider fear as a common reason too. Well, to me it doesn't like commitment issues. Maybe your friends are getting into relationships from a place of lack or fear, try to find wholeness/completeness in relationships, think that's the way to do it and then project onto you that there is something off with you. Last woman I dated after a long time told me something similar, something like that I was afraid of connecting deeply. Looking back I would rather say that I might have felt an idealistic image/though/fantasy of finding completion in merging together from her and that felt claustrophobic to me, especially since I didn't feel we were quite the match I would have liked. What a pressure and sense of restriction when someone tries to find his or hers completion with you. That's what many people try, not feeling the love/wholeness they want and then hoping a relationship will do it. Going into a relationship for the purpose of expressing and sharing joy and love is different. Perhaps if you want love, better to love yourself

Edited September 25, 2021 by Waken

[tolo]

2 hours ago, Waken said:

Why was there fear for not having someone? How others would see you if you didn't have someone?

No it wasn’t about how others would see me. My problem was that I was feeling lonely without having a partner in the past. I felt helpless and totally alone. But now on the other hand I don’t really need anyone anymore to feel complete.  I can stay alone and enjoy myself but in the past I couldn’t. Staying alone was always a bad feeling for me. I consider myself as open for something new, but my future partner must be on the  same "understanding" level as I am or even further than me.  I have had  dates with "stage red and blue" people, but it didn’t go well because of the different world views we had. 

[tolo]

4 hours ago, Manusia said:

@tolo Relate af. I thinking this as well. No commitment issue at all. I approach multiple local girl in my area and we talk even go out but eventually... nah it is not gonna work.. We have very different worldview and I realize I need to put some hard work to make this relationship running. But even to start this relationship is like cutting my own value. When talking to blue people, it is just weird you know.. Like their emotional awareness is cutted so much and then the conversation is unflexible. The fuck I dont want to cut off myself too much for just having a girl.. Fit in doesnt work together with self development.. And I dont chase sex in relationship, I leaning more towards mutual emotional and personal growth, sex is topping. Most ppl in my area dont know about personal development either, and so yeah im out for now.

Yes exactly, had similar experiences. I once even thought that I needed to work on myself to be more acceptable for every kind of person and personality without judging, and I started dating one guy for couple of months. But in the end he was just trying to change my personality, to make me fit in in his world. He was very traditional and religious, and I accepted his values, but he didn’t accept mine, which is logical because he was thinking that he’s world view was totally right, and he liked me, so he wanted me to have the "right" world view too. That’s why its very important to be on the same level, if you really want to make it work. 

[somegirl]

@tolo Dating in stage blue country can be incredibly frustrating for the exact reasons you wrote in your original post. It's just different level of consciousness they are at. But I still kinda hope that the right people can find you even in those environments. 

For example, in high school, there are lots of people there and they are all in similar life stages, but you always somehow managed to befriend the right kind of person for you, who fit with your worldview/personality etc. So I hope the same can be done in this case. I guess you can just go to places that those more-developed people usually go to, out of fun. No expectations. 

[tolo]

3 minutes ago, somegirl said:

@tolo Dating in stage blue country can be incredibly frustrating for the exact reasons you wrote in your original post. It's just different level of consciousness they are at. But I still kinda hope that the right people can find you even in those environments. 

For example, in high school, there are lots of people there and they are all in similar life stages, but you always somehow managed to befriend the right kind of person for you, who fit with your worldview/personality etc. So I hope the same can be done in this case. I guess you can just go to places that those more-developed people usually go to, out of fun. No expectations. 

Yes you are totally right.

Since I got really comfortable with being alone, I don’t  really try to go and find someone more developed... Having a partner is my last priority at the moment (and I hope that’s not an issue). If I meet a good fit, I wouldn’t say no. But Im not really searching anymore as I was in the past... 

[Waken]

@tolo I see, thank you for your response:-)

[tolo]

6 minutes ago, Waken said:

@tolo I see, thank you for your response:-)

Thank you too! 

[Monkey_in_suit]

@tolo

You are repeating multiple times how you are happy being single and don't need partner which is great and then you really don't need to change anything. Why would you change way of life that makes you happy?

Only because you opened this topic and reading your posts I got impression that deep down you are not so happy being single or you feel social pressure that makes you little bit unsatisfised.

[MuadDib]

21 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

That's just how it starts.

No guys approaches a girl because he wants to know her better. He approaches for sex and then it snowballs into something deeper.

Idk man, occasionally I will encounter a woman who seems like a reasonably interesting/accomplished human being. I might talk to her without acknowledging her pussy. Happens rarely though.
 

[tolo]

6 hours ago, MuadDib said:

Idk man, occasionally I will encounter a woman who seems like a reasonably interesting/accomplished human being. I might talk to her without acknowledging her pussy. Happens rarely though.
 

Thank you!!!!!!!

[tolo]

10 hours ago, Monkey_in_suit said:

@tolo

You are repeating multiple times how you are happy being single and don't need partner which is great and then you really don't need to change anything. Why would you change way of life that makes you happy?

Only because you opened this topic and reading your posts I got impression that deep down you are not so happy being single or you feel social pressure that makes you little bit unsatisfised.

No deep down i feel happy about it but social pressure does accure as I wrote in my post my friends and even my mother keep asking me why I am single. And the question "commitment issues" came up. And I am a very insecure person and I needed reinsurance. ?