I feel total confusion in life and impossibility to make satisfactory decisions.

[Klara]

EDIT: if you dont want to read it all, please skip through it to last paragraph where I ask questions. thanks!

Hello guys, I would like to share my situation and ask for your thoughts on this, please. I have huge trouble making decisions. It started in my childhood:

My mum: do you want ice-cream? which one?

Me: chocolate.

My mum: really, chocolate? what about vanilla, or strawberry?

Me: well, vanilla then.

My mum: really? dont you want both vanilla and chocolate? or vanilla and strawberry?

Me: I dont know what I want..

And then it would follow with my mum putting me on piano lessons and I hated it since the very first day. My mum would never say: "you have to go there". No. She would tell me: "it is totally up to you. But remember, one day this could be useful. Maybe if you want to be a teacher or something. Think about that." And so I kept dreading this for 5 years (!!!) and one day I just couldnt take it anymore and I quit. And so the problem is, that in my head, I was executing someone elses decision, but at the same time I was feeling as if I decided this myself and also I was feeling overall horribly about it. I started thinking in longterm, like what consequences will each decision have in the future and calculating. I was making decisions based on rationality or whatever and it led to some miserable experiences. On the other hand, I feel I have discipline, in case I have to do something not fun or I have discipline with my fitness and eating. So that is good. However, I tend to listen to other people and their advice. For the last 4 years I have been going to this holistic teacher and he pointed this stuff out to me. However, I felt like he (maybe unconsciously) started doing the same thing my mum was doing, and that is pulling me in some direction. He told me that I could go to college and study psychology and so I did, but now I feel like this wasnt my decision and I dont really know what to do with it, if I want to continue now. He also told me that I am not ready for relationship and some other stuff. I felt like I am just listening him, instead of myself. When I told him this, that I need some space, he stopped talking to me. I guess I hurt him in some way, it makes me feel horrible to be honest and like I am again on the wrong path. Because some stuff, which he told me, wasnt bad.

And so I am trying to connect to my intuition and feelings, but many times I feel like my mind is telling me one thing, my feelings are telling me other thing and my intuition is telling me something and these are never in tune with each other. Also, I am not sure that I listen to my intuition correctly. I mean, it comes to me in form of thought, but how do I know it is intuition and not only a regular thought -my rational mind? Also I feel like rational decisions arent all bad, there are advantages to them and sometimes my intuition was right and sometimes it was pulling me to do something stupid and I just felt like it is a joke.

I feel dashed or fractionalized, having these voices and energies within me pulling me in different directions. And also if some other people start to tell me their suggestions, I start feeling even more dashed. Sometimes I am so paralyzed by making a decision, that I dont make any at all. And it doesnt feel good, no matter what I do, it doesnt feel good. I feel like somehow I am on completely wrong path my whole life. Now I am deciding if I am ready for relationship, I have to start a new job, but I dont know which job, I dont feel good about the options I have, plus I talked to my mum this weekend and she feels depressed that I am over thirty now and I dont have kids yet etc. I know it is not my problem that she feels like this, but..again I question my life choices. I mean my lifestyle is rather unusual.

My question is: How do I make decisions that Im gonna feel good about? Which "voice" should I listen? My mind, feelings or intuition? I know Leo has a video about intuition, but I didnt feel like it is tailored to this particular problem. Is there any other video about decisions that he made, that I just overlooked? Thank you so much for your thoughts on this. Have a good day and sorry that it was so long.

 

Edited September 23, 2021 by Klara

[flowboy]

I had a lot of problems listening to my intuition, and listened to the wrong voice so many times... Chose the wrong study, chose the wrong partner, decided to move to a different city for the wrong reasons...

In Dutch there is a saying that translates to 'damage and shame make one wise'.

Here's my read on the situation:

Your mom wants the best for you. She sees you having trouble deciding, so she subtly nudges you in directions that she thinks would be good for you, in order to help you.

She's well-intentioned, but I have the feeling that you are having trouble deciding partly because she's still imposing her ideas of what's best for you, on to you. Even though she says:

1 hour ago, Klara said:

it is totally up to you.

She also says:

1 hour ago, Klara said:

she feels depressed that I am over thirty now and I dont have kids yet etc

She's too invested into her projections of what's good for you, to be able to be non-biased enough to actually help you make a decision for yourself.

It's okay, projection is a human tendency, we all do this sometimes when we give well-intentioned advice.

But I bet that some of the different voices in your head, that you are trying to decide what to listen to, are actually your mom's voice.

So there's that.

She means well, but she's unable to detach enough to actually coach you to find what's true for you.

 

I'm not saying this is all your mom's fault, far from it.

I'm just pointing to something: all the conflicting voices in your mind, belong to someone.

They belong to your mom, maybe your dad, your friends, your school teachers, your education advisors, even a youtuber with strong opinions who you look up to, anyone that has an influence.

Only one of those voices is yours, and it's the softest one.

Maybe it's not even getting through, because of all the noise.

Your true inner voice doesn't shout, and it doesn't justify itself with arguments when questioned.

It's shy and only speaks when everyone else shuts up, and you are truly wanting to listen.

Not only that, but your inner voice is so shy, that you have to make it feel safe, by making everyone else shut up, so that she can feel safe to speak without being interrupted.

Here's a couple tips:

• Take a couple days physically away from anyone who has an opinion on what you should do.
• Set the intention to listen to that shy voice without judgment
• Meditate
• Do activities that connect you back to the feeling of childlike wonder
  • Any hobby activity or something you really enjoyed as a child, without anyone pushing you, will work. For me that would be playing drums for example. Maybe even reading a specific book you used to enjoy.
  • A walk in nature can be good, if those work for you.
  • What works for most of my clients is shamanic breathing. 30 minutes of it is basically guaranteed to get you back to that childlike wonder state, where your intuition has the floor.

Edited September 23, 2021 by flowboy

[Klara]

@flowboy Thank you so much for your kind words. It never occured to me that what I thought of as my mind, emotions and intuition could be divided because they are words of different people.. I just thought that I fragmented the voices, so that I have to connect it again together. This is totally new perspective for me, I have to grasp it, you gave me a lot of food for thought.

8 hours ago, flowboy said:

Only one of those voices is yours, and it's the softest one.

It is maybe so soft that it doesnt even speak :-) I am beginning to wonder if maybe none of the voices is mine. So that is gonna be a lot of silencing :-(  Meditation I do regularly, but setting up an intention and taking some time off from everything is probably a good idea. I will look into the shamanic breathing. Thank you again for your kind answer, there is a lot for me to take from that...

[peanutspathtotruth]

@Klara To add to the already amazing answer, the one voice that is truly yours is, in my experience, something that needs uncovering and development.
It's the integrated part of your true Nature, what is sometimes called the "personal essence".
It's important to know that this essence/voice can be recognized:

• It loves all of you and all of life unconditionally
• It feels like a gentle, untouched innocence
• It has complete compassion with your own confusion, suffering and deception
• It feels as if the "other voices" of your psyche dampen or numb this voice. It's very delicate and it's easy to overlook, especially in the beginning

With that in mind, maybe it is easier for you to discern when a voice is NOT that essential part of you.

On another note: your feeling state might tell you more about that part of you than any thought. Try to feel into your honesty, into your heart when you think about a certain decision. I know it's not easy, but you got this, trust your Self

[Klara]

@peanutspathtotruth

11 hours ago, peanutspathtotruth said:

 

your feeling state might tell you more about that part of you than any thought. 

I was wondering about this, it is true that when I acted upon my feelings, it was much better than any thought or "intuition" I might have gotten. I think I will start there and as you said, it takes some development. I am making this a priority now, since this affects pretty much my whole life. I feel like once I put this in place, everything else will become much clearer. Thank you so much for your thoughtful answer.

[Klara]

@charles mishra Honesty is key in my case..I still feel like I am pushing myself a lot towards things I don't really want, because I simply have to..like with new work now..I guess these bigger things require some more time, but still..thanks for your input