Applying Theory To Everyday Life: A Musician's Perspective

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 87 | Am I Growing Or Not?

Slightly different kind of entry today. I need some space to write about a dilemma that I want to get straight.

So two days ago, I wrote about the beautiful experience I had with my flatmates. At least, it was beautiful from my perspective. As a flat, it seems like everyone feels better about what happened. We played some games last night and had fun as a flat. Our feelings with each other seem to have returned back to normal.

But there is something that Leo said in his latest video that I can't shake off. Namely, that when you desire to grow out of your paradigm, the people around you will not aid you in this process. They will drag you back into your original paradigm by criticizing and humiliating you. This is really resonating with me at the moment and here's why.

All of the other flatmates said that they were starting to feel negative after the Christmas break. Up until that point, things were going neutrally if not positively. The reason why this is significant to me is that my mission for personal growth really took off during the Christmas break thanks to the books I had acquired.

Over the last few months, I felt as though my thought patterns and behaviors were starting to take shape into something new and exciting. As a result, I spent less time with the flatmates. Instead, I would be reading books, writing journal entries, expanding on my guitar playing, blowing my mind, etc. From my perspective, it felt so wonderful. It took me back to that place of wonder and excitement of being a kid. The love of learning returned to me again.

I can't help but wonder that over the months that I had been pursuing this journey of personal growth, my flatmates were slowly building up with negativity and criticisms in their mind. Not necessarily out of hatred, but maybe unconsciously. It's just too much of a coincidence that my flatmates have admitted their feelings of isolation and negativity having started after the Christmas period, during my more committed approach to self-actualization.

This has been puzzling me all day. If anyone has any advice, please send me a message. Was I growing at one point and now my flatmates are trying to drag me back? Or was I wrong to spend less time with them to pursue my own endeavors?

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 88 | Dealing With Stress

Theory: By remembering that you are not the stress but the awareness of the stress, you can reduce suffering in light of stress.

Applying it: Try and be present with the stress without criticizing it or wishing it away. Allow it into your awareness by letting go of your identification with it. If you can, remove the commitments in your life that are unnecessary and are causing you to stress out.

 

I broke my streak yesterday, didn't I? Still, 87 days of persistent writing without missing a single day is pretty good going! I'll perhaps write two journal entries today then: one for yesterday, and one for today. That is if my schedule allows me time to write it.

I will admit, yesterday wasn't the best day for me overall. The majority of the morning and afternoon was spent playing through the musical pieces in preparation for the big rehearsal tomorrow. Progress was particularly slow, which left me very doubtful of my abilities to do a good job. As you can imagine, this created a lot of stress.

Later in the evening, I performed at a spoken word event for a friend who was in need of a performer at short notice. The experience was really pleasing. I managed to play a few recital pieces which boosted my confidence even more. Although, the downside was that I was exhausted on the walk home and my sleep time was limited as I have another gig to perform at 11 am. Then after this gig, I have to go to a rehearsal for my mate's recital stuff. Then when I get home, I will need to finish learning the musical pieces.

Shit. I'm going into some extremely dangerous territory here. This is exactly what I wanted to avoid. These are exactly the circumstances that got me into an emotional mess last year. I had never been as stressed in my entire life than last year.

Maybe it's time to put things right.

I've just sent a message to someone to cancel a commitment to another musical. This one wasn't going to be paid as it was a student-led production. Just sent another message to my mate to ask if he wouldn't mind if I missed today's rehearsal. These activities, as fun as they may individually be, aren't within my Zone of Genius, nor are they as beneficial as some of the other activities on my agenda.

Already, some stress has started to release from my mind and body. But although it can be useful to rearrange things on an external level, there still must be a peaceful state of mind within to accept the stress that is currently there and deal with it. It is better to observe and allow the stress rather than to become the stress and let it influence actions and decisions.

If I focus on simply being present with the emotion and with everything else, a deep peace can be felt underneath it all. It seems bizarre to experience both stress and peacefulness at the same time. They could be considered as opposites of one another. But the peacefulness comes with the state of mind that says "It is okay to feel stress on an external level. It's not the end of the world that stress is suddenly a part of my existence. I don't need to change it or get rid of it as such. It can simply be there for as long as it needs to be there and eventually, it will disappear on its own accord."

As a way or ending this journal entry, I will remind myself that the source of the stress has come from the imbalance of being willing to serve others over the willingness to serve myself. You cannot prioritize one without taking into consideration the other. My imbalance favored more the willingness to serve others. But now it's time to return to that place in the middle. It might take a week or two to undo this balance, but it must be done as soon as possible.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 89 | Stress Eliminated (follow-up to previous entry)

So today, I've been feeling extremely tired all day as a result of last night. However, the day has gone very well overall.

The morning performance was more like a workshop for kids to write out graphic scores for me to play. There weren't many kids that came to the table but it was wonderful to see the few who did take an interest in music. The first girl was completely mesmerized bless her! By the time I returned home, my body and mind were really tired so I took a nap (I rarely do this!).

I slipped into a deep unconsciousness for a good hour before I very slowly woke up. As I began to awaken, a weird phenomenon occurred. I genuinely believed that I was around 60 or maybe 70 years old and that I had missed out on my youth in life. It was a sort of dream-like state but it occurred consciously. Or at least that's how it felt! The emotion of shame filled me as it probably would if I'd have slept throughout my adulthood and woke up as an elderly person. But as I woke up properly, the dream faded away.

Then came the time to hammer the musical pieces for the final time before the BIG rehearsal tomorrow. For amateur/professional musicals, musicians meet up for one big rehearsal and a dress rehearsal two days before the musical opens to the public. This certainly provides a lot of pressure to get the job done well. But thankfully, I remained stress-free as I played my way through the pieces. There is no stress in my body as such. I feel as though I am now prepared nicely for the rehearsal.

To tell the truth, I am still really tired. So forgive me if this entry seems a bit lackluster. Although comparing it to my first entry where I was still getting used to the Dvorak keyboard (which I know inside out now), I'd say it's probably enough. The main thing I got out of today was how to remove stress. I'm so relieved that I chose to spend my time wisely rather than choosing to rehearse with my friend. If I chose to do that, stress levels would be sky-rocketing right now.

I'm going to bed to hopefully get a good 9hrs sleep now. Tomorrow's reflection entry will certainly be interesting after the big rehearsal!

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

 Entry 90 | Reflection

 I made it through the big rehearsal! It felt so fulfilling to work with professional musicians who are much older than me  and who have much more experience with musicals.  I went into the rehearsal thinking that musicals would just be stressful and lacking in fun. But I was wrong. It was really fucking awesome!

 Looking back on my life, I've come such a long way in the last few years. But I can hardly remember what life was like before university. It's even difficult to remember what life was like a year ago. I came to university with the dream that one day, I would be able to become a confident and well-established musician. Now I can safely say that I am living that dream, and it feels wonderful.

It also occurred to me that I'm quite popular at University. This just seems remarkable given my situation at school and college. I was the definition of a reject back then. My popularity was non-existent.  But now, I bumped into people on the street every day that know me and respect me, and I respect them. Even though my flatmates go on nights out all the time and are seemingly more popular than I am, they all considered me to be the most popular out of all of us.

This seems to have happened without me being aware of it. I wasn't neurotically seeking to be popular. It was just a quiet desire in my mind as I went about my business. When I've asked friends to tell me what others say about me behind my back, they can't find anything negative. Even when I suggest that they are being polite by not exposing the truth, they insist that people hold me in high regard and don't talk shit about me.

Especially this last year, I've got about my business without giving a shit about what people think about me. Of course, I care about the people around me. But I don't rely on their opinions to justify my actions any more. It just feels so wonderful to have people feel the same love for me as I feel for them. That in itself makes me feel fulfilled that I am becoming a positive force in this world.

The only thing that I have picked up on is that my eating habits have suffered slightly. I've been indulging in brownies and cookies etc. I think this is because I haven't been able to go to the gym this week. Usually, I find that when I go to the gym, my eating habits return to being healthy. This week has just been unfortunate as I've not had time to go to the gym, which I really want to do. The coming weeks will be able to provide a time for me to start exercising again and rectify this issue.

All in all, things are just going so well. I feel happy every single day. Even the days where I feel stressed or negative in any way eventually transformed into something positive. I can't remember the last time I was sick, nor can I remember the last time that I cried due to suffering. Life is just incredible. And I'm embracing this fact with every ounce of being within me.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 91 | Contemplation

Theory: Contemplation is a great tool for self-actualization.

Applying it: Become aware of the fundamental assumptions that you make about what your existence entails. Then you can contemplate from a place of genuine curiosity and wonder.

 

I've just watched Leo's latest video on contemplation. This is something that I have been doing on and off for several years in my life, but more intensely in the last year or so. Specifically, my contemplation has been focussed on what existence is. Ever since I experienced a profound realization of the illusory nature of existence during a meditation session, my mind has been constantly asking that question over and over again.

Furthermore, I have never found myself at a loose end, filled with boredom, or lost with purpose ever since this experience. My days are filled with so much joy overall. And I think the contemplation of existence has influenced my ability to feel this joy on a daily basis. Most days, I can be filled with laughter at the sheer wonder of reality and its mechanisms. Especially when I wake up from moments of unconsciousness where I started to believe in the illusion of "I." Of course, it still happens. I'm relatively new at this game. But at least I know that I have the ability to transcend that identification.

Also, upon watching the video, something jumped out at me when Leo began reading the list of things to contemplate. Of the many examples he included, he didn't mention the present moment. He included the questions "what is the past?" and "what is the future?" but he never asked, "what is the present moment?" Obviously, I have no idea if this was the result of spontaneity or if it was a well-designed plan to ignore this question. But all of the examples that he gave made me consider the following: aren't they all illusory?

I've contemplated the past, the future, art, music, and the self enough to recognize that they are illusory in nature. That doesn't mean to say they don't exist. Rather, they exist in the form of thought and imagination instead of the usual assumption that they are physical. But when it comes to the present moment, it takes a lot of guts to admit to yourself that your sense perceptions of the present moment are just as illusory. That profound experience I had half a year ago was the result of this contemplation.

My question for contemplation was "How do I know that I exist?" When I sieved through all of the technicalities of language, I arrived at the assumption that because I can see, hear, and feel, I must exist. To anyone, that would seem like a plausible justification. But it was clear to me at the time that justifications aren't as concrete in their plausibility as they often seem. So then followed another question: "What makes you think that your senses are accurate?" In other words, "What if these senses are illusory?"

This question lit a fire within me that burned out any sense of self that I once clung to. Suddenly, I was awakened to the majesty and the terror of existence without "me" inside of it. Although this experience only survives in my memory, the groundbreaking effect that it had on my being will remain with me until death. I felt depressed for a month or two after that experience because I wasn't quite ready to let go of my sense of self. But gradually, I became accepting of the truth and my being has felt magical ever since.

Life doesn't ever feel boring for me. Even when I'm doing something seemingly uninteresting on a surface level, I have realized how rich and wonderful this existence is. Now and then, I still suffer from the effects of the Ego but on a MUCH smaller scale than ever before. Maybe in a few years time, things will be different. But for the present moment, I can sit and observe it with joy and laughter. It's funny to watch how the Ego creates unnecessary suffering in life! But if we went back in time to tell this to my past, depressed self, it would be no laughing matter.

To sum up, I completely endorse the idea that contemplation can lead to some of the most rewarding experiences in life. Perhaps I will consider contemplating other things in life as well as the fundamental question of "What is existence?"

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 92 | Effort vs Flow

Theory: Depending on your perspective of life, it can either feel like a massive effort or a continuous flow of energy. This occurs regardless of circumstances in the physical world.

Applying it: Regard your perspective of life as the highest priority. Without it, you may fail to experience some of the most wonderful feelings of joy and fulfilment that are possible.

 

It seems like I missed yet another day with journaling. I wouldn't necessarily attribute it to the lack of time on my hands. Instead, the reason is because of this state of flow that I've developed over the last few days. My priorities have shifted more towards being in the present moment in regards to the musical that I'm performing. I wanted to open up to those deep states of joy and fulfilment rather than write journal entries.

Last night was the opening night of the musical. My focus was not necessarily on doing a good job, but on enjoying the experience to the full. As a result, I performed at my best without any insecurities in the back of my mind. There was a magical sensation of aliveness that occured when performing the songs to a sold-out theatre. The music flowed through my body, and I left the theatre with extremely high levels of energy and life. It's such a sacred feeling!

Whats happening is that I'm getting into the flow of life. Especially when I'm performing, it doesn't feel like an effort. It doesn't feel like "hard work." I was amazed when one of my music friends (who I consider to be very hard-working) told me that I was the most hard-working individual that he knew. And sure, he's right in the sense that I'm very productive and that I get to have the honour of performing in theatre shows at such a young age. But it genuinely doesn't feel like hard work at all! His suggestion made me laugh, but he insisted that it was the case.

So why doesn't it feel like hard work, even though it looks like it from an outsiders perspective? Perhaps it is because I recognise that this activity is aligned with my life purpose. But if anything, I feel like my perspective on life in general is the main reason why. And it's not just any old perspective. It's one that I have developed through only a few years of listening to self-help material, reading books, and APPLYING the theory to my own life. It's not the everyday perspective on life that is common in society.

For one thing, understanding the concept of the Upper Limit Problem (as theorised by Gay Hendricks) has helped me to release the unnecessary stresses and frustrations in life since the start of 2017. But as with any teaching, it needs practice to fully engrían it into your being. By recognising the unnecessary stresses of the musical production (which there are quite a lot of), and by thinking forward enough to understand what destructive behaviours they will create in the future, I can let them come and go without a fuss. There is no need to hang onto the stress because it's sole purpose is to create suffering. By understanding this principle through direct experience, I can allow myself to replace stress with joy. And what a feeling!

As I observe the present moment, life just flows. I'm sat at a cafe having ate my lunch. The sun is shining, people are going about their lives, traffic is zooming past, and I feel no need to remove myself from the situation, nor do I feel the need to make an effort to enjoy it. Life is just flowing as it always does. No judgments or stresses are necessary.

Life doesn't feel like an effort. It flows. May your experience of this existence flow just as smoothly.

 

Pick of the day:

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 93 | Swimming as a Growth Exercise

Theory: A simple fitness activity can be a great place to apply personal development work, whether it be meditation, contemplation, enlightenment work, learning how the mind works, reaching a state of flow, or even learning how to breathe correctly.

Applying it: As you carry out a fitness activity, keep in your mind all of the concepts and ideas that you have acquired through personal development work. Try to embody them in the best way you can as you carry out the exercise.

 

I've enjoyed going to the gym for a few years now. But more recently, I've started to fall in love with swimming. During a singing lesson, my teacher told me that underwater swimming can be a great way to develop good breathing and relax muscles. I tried it out for the first time a few months ago and it worked a treat!

Not only that, but I found swimming to be a great activity for applying personal growth work. Not only is it an excellent form of exercise as it works out all the muscles, but it is a wonderful place that allows me to connect to the mind and body. I should mention that I don't do any old method of swimming. Instead, I focus on swimming underwater for lengthy periods of time using a breast stroke to move through the water. This is exactly what my singing coach recommended for expanding my lung capacity.

As I continued swimming, not only did my breathing technique become more developed, but my mindset became strengthened also. It is often the case when you are swimming underwater to have the thought "I need air!" What I noticed is that I managed to hold my breath for longer when I chose to disregard this thought. Obviously, humans do need air. But in the context of underwater swimming, this thought appears much earlier than is actually necessary. Although the thought appears after around 15 seconds, breath can be withheld for much longer periods of time.

And so we move into the psychological benefits. Through this realization, I have been able to hold my breath for longer simply by prolonging the thought, rather than reacting to it. As a result of this willpower, my body's breathing capacity has improved. Yet another reason to believe that the physical world is malleable under the implication of thought.

There have been many other benefits that swimming has provided me with. For example, I've noticed that when you try and force your way through the water using the strength of your arms and legs, it results in a "high input, low output" scenario. In other words, you work hard to move a little. Whereas if you relax yourself and focus on using your shoulders and hips to guide you through the water, suddenly you are able to swim a lot farther with less effort.

Today, I managed to effortlessly swim a full length (33m) in under 5 breaths and swim along the floor of the deepest part of the pool for a good half-minute, which is 13m deep. A few weeks ago, I managed to 'sprint' around 20m underwater in a single breath. These little triumphs are important because they further validate the idea that thoughts will eventually transmute themselves into their physical equivalent.

I'm not trying to sell to anyone that swimming is the supreme sport here! Each person will react differently in that situation. But for me, swimming seems to be a very special activity that exists outside of my busy musical life. It will benefit my body whilst simultaneously strengthen my mind. I can't see how anybody could dislike the notion of doing physical exercise, especially on a forum like this. Surely, the most basic and straight-forward means of personal growth is through physical exercise. Surely, it can't be possible to grow without the need to exercise the body and maintain fit and healthy.

 

Pick of the day:

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 94 | Developing Self-reliance

Theory: "God helps those who helps themselves."

Applying it: By getting into the practice of making firm decisions for yourself and following up on them, you can develop self-reliance.

 

Without knowing it, I've been developing my self-reliance now for a couple of years. It started off with my desire to play solo acoustic guitar. After having spend several years performing in bands, it felt like time to take matters into my own hands and compose, perform and record music for myself. The theory was that as there was only myself to organize, it would be a much easier job than trying to organize a group of people. Not to mention that I could create my own schedule.

I didn't know it at the time but this proved to be one of the most important decisions of my life. This is because I started working for myself, not for somebody else. I spent many hours practicing my craft behind closed doors without worrying about the opinions of the outside world. The possibility of being good or bad at this new endeavor never entered my head. It was simply done out of my own enjoyment and desire to improve my skills.

3 years ago, I wouldn't have had a clue that I would actually be good at performing solo. This information came to me through the outside world. The defining moment that made me want to pursue music performance as a career came to me when I received a scholarship from the university for my performance ability. Also, my grades in music performance have been so much higher than anything else in my degree.

But despite all of these achievements, the last thing on my mind is to rub it in everybody's faces. I genuinely just love performing regardless of what the outside world thinks about me. It just so happens that I've been pursuing it long enough to be able to talk about these success stories. As far as my musical career goes, these successes are VERY recent. There's the whole 7 years I spent beforehand where my only big achievement was winning a school talent show.

The reason why my backstory is important is because it reflects upon my unconscious decision to become more self-reliant. As a result, my confidence today is incredibly high. Not in a cocky way, but in a way that allows me to embody my passions, quirks, and desires in life. This level of confidence has taken around 9 years to develop. During all of that time, I've experienced a deep hatred for myself and my life in general. The humiliation and anxieties that I went through during secondary school created some deep wounds within me, almost driving me to self-harm. But alas, those wounds have been healed.

The confidence that I carry with me now is joyous. I can be exactly who I want to be in this world without fear of rejection or criticism. Earlier today, I took part in a school project with a few other music students. We played through the GCSE Music students' pieces as a band. It was so wonderful to experience myself actively leading the group here and there as well as joining in on the banter. There was no "Me and Them" barrier in my mind. Everything felt complete and whole. As much of my past would suggest, this is not my usual behavior. But it felt so alive to be completely embracing of the present moment without insecurities.

I actually remember doing a visualization as a teenager when my self-esteem was drastically low. In the visualization, I had a chat with my older self. I listened to him describe how everything is going to be wonderful in the future. All those things that I tortured my mind with were not worth it. He told me that a happier life awaited for me in the future.

The very fact that I have only just remembered this visualization suggests to me that I have fully embodied my older self. As the present moment stands, things feel so good in my life that I would be ready to talk to my younger self. If I could show my younger self all of the things that have happened to me over the last few years, it would give him purpose to keep soldiering on against the bullies.

All my younger self would have to learn is the means of developing self-reliance. And fortunately, even without his full awareness of it, that's exactly what he did.

 

Pick of the day:

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 95 | Gifted and Talented?

Theory: The whole concept of being born with natural talent is questionable. Hard work and dedication are what matter most.

Applying it: Never concede to the possibility that you are naturally gifted or talented in something. This will incline you to become lazy.

 

This is something that bugs me. People often assume that I have some natural talent with guitar playing and music in general. Growing up, my parents and guitar teacher have stated that I have a gift for performance. But deep down, I know that this is not true.

There is nothing inherently special about me that makes me a good musician. What people will not understand (because they have not been through the experiences that I've been through) is that the reason why I am good at what I do is because I received an epiphany that performance is my destiny in life. Ever since that moment, I have worked tirelessly to develop my craft and reach the level of mastery that I currently possess.

My success has amounted to around 99% of hard work and dedication, with around 1% of luck and good fortune. Sure, I may have been gifted in the sense that I realised my purpose at such a young age. But even that wasn't handed to me on a silver platter. I had reached an all-time emotional low at that point in my life due to the shit that I had to put up with at school. It wasn't enough to merely want to discover my life purpose. The adversities that I went through drove me to deeply desiring a life purpose. It felt like without it, there wouldn't have been much point in living any longer.

After all that I've been through, I've learned enough to know that there is no such thing as gifted or talented musicians. There is simply those who have been through the struggles and those who have not. Those who work hard, and those who don't. There's a quote written on the wall in the gym that sums it up perfectly: "Hard work beats talent when talent doesn't work hard."

I've worked harder this year than I ever have in my whole life to develop my guitar-playing skills for the final recital. As a result, I've been able to learn and master pieces by some of the world's most prestigious guitar players. It's actually served as a wake-up call for how much I can achieve with the guitar. If you have the desire to improve (not simply a 'want') and you are willing to sacrifice a lot of your time to work on that desire, there is nothing you can't achieve!

Many non-musicians, non-actors, and non-artists have the naive assumption that it must be so fun and glamorous to do the work that we do. And it is a VERY naive assumption. Sure, the actual presentations of our art form can be lots of fun and highly fulfilling. But on the back of those presentations is the countless hours spent every day dedicated to creating the art form. It is especially "dangerous" considering that there are many hours spent creating the art form with no immediate compensation for our efforts. It's not as if I get paid to practice guitar playing.

Nevertheless, I practice for hours and hours because it provides me with a deep sense of aliveness that can't be described in words. The path of the aspiring musician is one that must be taken with the full realisation that there will not be any payment for your efforts for a number of years. Fortunately, I have been able to start pursuing this career path at an age where there was no social expectation to earn money. After 10 years of guitar practice, I feel confident that my hard work has amounted to something that could earn lots of money in the future. My skills are good enough now to seek out the high-paid jobs that musicians can get. (Received my £500 paycheck for the musical yesterday!)

The main thing to remember at all times is that nobody is just gifted or talented. Whilst there may be a certain underlying force that has allowed me to learn music rapidly, that could not be utilised fully without the proper application of sheer determination and persistence. If I stopped working hard because of the assumption that I had natural talent, my skills would degrade rapidly.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 96 | "The Third Possibility"

Theory: When dealing with paradoxes, there is usually a clash between two possibilities. Often, the truth lies in a third possibility.

Applying it: Try to identify the key assumptions that ground both possibilities on either side of the paradox. The third possibility arises when those key assumptions are called into questioning.

 

This is a trend that I have noticed whenever certain paradoxes tease me. In one of my earlier journal entries, I asked myself the question "am I growing or not?" On the back of this question were two possibilities. Either I was growing on a personal and spiritual level, or I wasn't. The question puzzled me because it felt like I was growing from the inside, but the consequences of my actions with the rest of the flatmates proved to be damaging.

Evidently, this question was ticking in my subconscious mind because the answer appeared to me as I was walking home from one of the musical shows. But it wasn't a straight-forward answer. It took the form of asking the right questions, uncovering any assumptions, and seeking out what I like to call the "third possibility." A very easy example of this would be to describe something as "neutral," rather than an opinionated "good" or "bad."

 So on my walk home, the question entered my head "what is growth?" The question got me wondering, eventually driving me to dig deeper: "what are the key assumptions that I have about growth?" This question was much easier to answer.

My reasoning was that in order for something to grow, it must be assumed that there is only one object, thing, or person in the growth process. It is also assumed that this object/thing/person undergoes a transformation over a period of time. And when it is transformed, it is considered the same object/thing/person as it was before transformation took place.

Because of my previous encounters with the paradoxes of time and of the self, I recognised that these assumptions were flawed. There is only such a thing as the present moment, as the past and future exist as a concept in the mind. So therefore, how can something possibly grow over a time period if there is only ever the present moment?

Also, who is to say that an object/thing/person exists in the first place? I remember hearing a puzzle from Vsauce: if Person A and Person B swapped each cell in their bodies one at a time, at what point would Person A become Person B? This creates a paradox in itself. But to those of us who have received direct experience of the True Self, we know that there is no "self" inside our bodies. Hell, they're not even our bodies. They just are bodies! And they are changing all of the time.

Returning back to the subject of growth, the "third possibility" presented itself to me: "what if there is no such thing as growth?"

This makes personal development and self-actualisation work laughable! But at the same time, it feels so undeniably true compared to the previous two possibilities. Also, this third possibility has created a significant amount of peace within. It has stopped the neurotic need to constantly be "growing." Likewise, it has stopped the criticism for the instances where it appears that I'm not "growing."

The main lesson behind this third possibility (which seems to be quite common in my experience) is to just chill out. Be less neurotic. Life just is what it is. Don't get caught up with these conceptual ideas such as growth because that is not the reality. When you can sit back and laugh at how you've been chasing your tail and creating unnecessary suffering for yourself, you know you've hit something good!

The "third possibility" is usually the answer behind a paradox. Not that I have solved every single paradox in existence, nor do I actually know whether or not this method is a guaranteed paradox solver. But it has helped me to understand the concepts of growth, time, morality, the self, emotions, thoughts, and even the most fundamental senses of sight, sound, and sensation.

The "third possibility" wI'll not necessarily be the same for every paradox. But it will always call into questioning the assumptions that you take for granted. All it takes is the open-mindedness and, in some cases, the courage to accept that the third possibility may well be the truth.

 

Pick of the day:

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 97 | The Dangers of The Day Off

Theory: Any thought along the lines of "I'll give it a miss today" is perhaps the most destructive of all the thoughts.

Applying it: If ever you receive this thought and think about 'treating yourself,' keep in mind the long-term damaging effects that this thought will have.

 

To tell the honest truth, things have been slipping for me recently. My food habit, exercise habit, work habit, and personal development habit experienced some turbulence. Not to the point where I was stuffing my face with chocolate, sitting around, and doing nothing all day long. But there were some incidences where I indulged in those short-term pleasure activities too much. The fact that I have recently been missing journal entries is evidence enough.

Having said that, the previous week influenced my actions to an extent. The musical was the biggest determining factor that disrupted my habits. This is because there were times when I literally didn't have time to exercise or write journal entries. But these moments were enough to awaken the ego-driven thought within me: "Treat yourself just this once. Break your habit just this once." And I hold myself responsible for allowing those thoughts to remain in my conscious mind and drive my actions.

The trouble with a thought like "just this once" is that it is a flat-out lie. Never does this thought only appear in the mind just once. It repeats itself over and over again under the innocent disguise that it will only appear once. Furthermore, it tries to reason with you when you don't immediately disregard it. The ego keeps talking until you finally surrender to it. That is unless you can be definite with your decisions. And that is where I need to improve myself.

The first step to combat this thought is, as always, by shining awareness on it. Not only on the thought in the present moment, but also envisioning the long-term effects that it will have on you. This is what I've managed to do so far.

The next step will then be to ground myself in the constructive habits that I formed prior to the ego messing it up. This means exercising every day, waking up at 7 am, giving up junk food altogether, and getting back on top of work. Today, I feel like I managed to accomplish all of that. After having a swim, doing some university work, and eating properly, I feel much better in my ability to fulfil my promises.

The final step, which will be ongoing until the ego finally gives in, is to constantly reject all thoughts similar to "spoil yourself just this once" or "have a day off." Granted, it can be beneficial to have days off from your occupation or from fitness. These are necessary to avoid the possibility of burning out. However, when it comes to eating healthily, doing guitar practice, and doing personal development, it is imperative that every single day is spent fulfilling these promises. Otherwise, it risks all the progress that you have made.

That's the difference between having a day off because of fatigue, and having a day off because of laziness. These two terms are not synonymous. If your body/mind is genuinely fatigued, it will likely be because you have done the necessary work on yourself. If your body/mind is feeling lazy, it will likely be because of working too little. Fatigue feels positive (think about having that glorious shower after a good gym session). Laziness feels negative (think about the times when you spent several consecutive days on the couch doing nothing.)

If you feel overly fatigued at the end of each day, then perhaps you are pushing yourself too hard. That's when it would be better to go easy on yourself. But don't give up altogether. If you strain yourself at the gym, instead of taking the day off the next day, make yourself go but for half the time and with less exertion on the muscles. Sometimes, aches and pains can be straightened out with a little bit of steady exercise rather than none at all. If you have sore legs, maybe a gentle bike ride will help smooth them out. It has me!

No matter how bad or lazy you feel, do not give in to temptation. Do not allow the "just this once" to take control. Because when you allow it once, it will appear once more. And once again. It will never go away and you will continue to destroy all of the hard work you have achieved.

It's harsh but true.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 98 | The Performer's Visualisation

Theory: On the day of a big performance, don't just visualise the performance. Visualise the whole day leading up to the big performance. Even better, imagine that you are the most confident and passionate performer that you can be.

Applying it: For the most thorough visualisation, imagine all the events that happen from the moment you wake up to the moment you go to bed. Try to feel the emotions of unease and adrenaline leading up to the big performance.

 

This piece of advice came from a performance workshop. The performance coach talked about the ways in which visualisation can help a performer get used to the feelings of unease and anxiety. She emphasised that not only should you imagine yourself in the performance scenario, but also imagine every event leading up to it: what you had for breakfast, how you arrived at the venue, how you warmed up beforehand, what mental exercises you did, etc.

I recognised the significance of this advice immediately as being superior. It was the most practical advice I have heard a performance coach give on the matter. There is no use telling someone who feels anxious to just "chill out because you sound great." They will not believe you. What the coach offered here was the method through which you can experience the feelings of anxiety in the now. In fact, it is perhaps the only true way you can experience the feelings without actually hurling yourself into the external situation.

I've not actually tried a visualisation in such depth to say whether or not it works. However, I've had previous success with performance exams in the past, about which I had visualised beforehand. It felt necessary to dedicate this entry to this finding because it is the closest advice I have received at university to what is taught by self-actualization teachers.

-

It's probably time to admit to myself that I haven't been on top of things as much as I used to. But that's okay. The past is what it is. The most important thing I can do is to just reaffirm myself of what I want to do with my time. I want to have more 'being' time to allow meditation, contemplation, visualisation, and reading/journaling. I also want to spend more time 'doing' in regards to my university work and performance.

The balance between 'being' and 'doing' has been uneven for the last week or so. The decisions that I've made during that time reflect upon that. It's time to admit that the ego has perhaps started taking over again. There's nothing wrong with that. But inevitably, it will cause unnecessary suffering in my life. I want to eliminate that unnecessary suffering because it prevents me from feeling joy and peace.

It's time for me to accept what has been happening in my denial and reformulate my desires. They were always there, but not so much a priority. It's perhaps time to start prioritising them again.

 

Pick of the day:

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 99 | Laughing All The Way

Theory: When you can genuinely laugh in the present moment without any reason for doing so, you begin to open yourself up to even more joy.

Applying it: Aim to laugh at life every single day without needing any stimulation from comedic influences.

 

It feels SO good to just laugh spontaneously. Even more so when that laughter becomes intensified with the awareness of the laughter. Every time I think of how good it feels to laugh, the thought creates the action of laughter almost instantly. Even the very fact that my flatmates find it weird that I've started the habit of laughing to myself makes me laugh harder. I can tell you that my face is going to be beaming from start to finish with this journal entry!

It's not as if there isn't any 'shit' going down in my life. And it's not as if the whole world is suddenly the most peaceful place imaginable. But the fact that I have caught myself taking these things seriously is just laughable. When I was thinking long and hard about what to have for tea, I treated it like the most important decision in the world. But really, why is it such a big deal? It's one of the many thousands of meals I've had. And when death occurs, those meals aren't gonna mean shit!

Everything is just laughable! Why do we have friends? Why do we have jobs? Why have relationships? Why bother with sex? Why bother with hardcore meditation? Why bother with anything? Why do we have a mind and body anyway? Why do we have a consciousness? Why do we worry? Why do we stress? Why do we exist?

In the context of our paradigms for existence, everything makes sense. But ONLY can it make sense in this context. What about the entirety of reality? Taking everything into consideration from life to death, is there really any need for these things? Perhaps not? At least, these trivial things like money, marriage, and materialism aren't nearly as meaningful as we perceive them to be. Sure, they might be fun or dangerous at times. But either way, it has no bearing whatsoever on reality outside of the paradigms that we create about it.

Oh dear. I'm in the living room with my flatmates and they have the Kardashians on TV. This is the first time I've ever really 'paid attention' to them and just listening to them talk about their "problems" is just making me laugh even more. What better example of useless, trivial drama could I have asked for other than the Kardashians?

(I know, it's a shallow interpretation. But listening to them discuss a red chandelier like its a matter of life and death is just hilarious!)

Don't worry, I laugh at myself too. Especially when I catch myself making unnecessary suffering for myself in the form of stress and worry. It's the realisation of how utterly pointless it is in my life.

All I can say is laughing feels good. If you can laugh at any given moment, you're in a good place!

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 100 | Reflection

PHWOAR! What a beautiful number that is!

So as of today, I will have consciously marked 100 days of my life. And let me add that it feels like no time at all. But simultaneously, it was so long ago since I started that I can no longer remember a time when I wasn't journaling. I'm going to have a day of two after this entry to read back all of my journal entries to myself. That was going to be my plan for today, but there are some special things I want to talk about before I forget.

First of all, I followed the advice of the performance coach and visualised myself on the day of my big recital in May. Fortunately, my imagination is very vivid so I was able to feel the nerves and the anxiety filling my body in the present moment. Starting from the moment I woke up, I continued to visualise the whole day leading up to the performance.

When it came to visualising the performance, I paid close attention to detail. I visualised the venue, the audience, the examiners, my band mates, my stage layout, the lighting, and, most importantly, my performance ability. Although I was nervous to some extent, it was so comfortable and effortless that I even caught myself bopping along with the music outside of my visualisation! Every note that I played was utter perfection in terms of giving it my all.

After the visualisation, I became filled with so much joy as I realised that this could become a reality. A few moments later, I started a new visualisation. In this, I chatted to my future self having just performed the recital. He was beaming with energy and almost crying with happiness. I asked him how it went and he replied "That went exactly how I  wanted it to go." He advised that he was "so grateful to have done that visualisation every single day leading up to the exam" but warned that he could only become a reality if I listened to his advice.

For those of you thinking I have a dual personality disorder of some kind, rest assured that my creative imagination has become so developed that it takes on a life of its own. This would later prove to be the case as I was hit with divine inspiration to write some song lyrics, of all things. For years, I've wanted to write song lyrics. And now when I least expected it, inspiration struck!

I stayed with the energy of the creative Muse and began to write down the lyrics to the song, which is currently 4 stanzas long. Then later on, after having recorded my first live music video on Facebook, I tuned into the creative Muse once again to figure out the accompanying guitar part to the song. As I played through the song for an hour or two, it felt so obvious that these lyrics were passing through me, not being created by me. Not often have I experienced this as it's happening.

The song seems to be about the loss of a loved one. In particular, the image of my mother appeared to me several times in the practice room. But my mum is neither dying nor ill. These words are so impersonal to my own life. And yet, I can see how one day, they are going to be incredibly personal to me when the fateful day comes that my mum will die. Hopefully, there's plenty of life left in her for a lot of years. I love her very much.

So those were some magic moments of my day! Now to reflect on the last 100 journal entries from memory.

This journal has been one of the most fun aspects of personal development that I have come across. I've tried journaling in the past in actual books but there's something so nice about this platform that motivates me to keep going. The digital interface is nice enough for sure. But the best thing has to be the 'community' aspect of it.

I've been able to reach out to like-minded people and learn about them and their way of life. Some of you have contacted me with messages of support and encouragement for my work on this journal so far. To those people, thank you very much for reaching out to me. Without knowing it, you've influenced my willpower to keep going along this journey for myself and for the benefits I will eventually bring to others.

This journey of personal development has given me something wonderful: I have developed the capacity to feel unconditional love for everyone and everything. This is something very new. There were certain people in my life that I felt it necessary to avoid and hate. But that has completely transformed into its opposite. Thanks to this journal, I have been able to get my important thoughts into writing. I've had some wonderful moments of realisation at my laptop. And to top it all, I'm an absolute boss at the Dvorak keyboard now!

To those of you who read this journal regularly, I will take this opportunity to thank you for taking an interest in my story. You guys certainly haven't gone unnoticed! Although this journal has never been about accumulating views, it has been heartwarming to watch that number rise each day. It validates the very reason that keeps me going: I must be doing something good! If you are a regular reader, do message me and share your stories too. I have a desire to connect with more and more people in a deep, meaningful way. None of that shallow, modern small-talk!

I will return to this journal either when I have read all of my previous entries or when something noteworthy happens in my life. Until then, love you all! 

 

Pick of the day:

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 101 | Willingness To Serve Others

Theory: You can induce others to serve you if you are willing to serve others. (Think And Grow Rich: Napoleon Hill)

Applying it: If somebody asks you for your services in a way that will bring benefits to both parties, give them your best!

 

FINALLY! I've been itching to get back to this journal for a few days now. There's some kind of magnetic attraction that pulls me in. I feel like life is just too wonderful to just let it slip away. Journaling about it seems to be a great way of celebrating the beauty of the 'ordinary' days. So yeah, I'm glad to be back!

After having (skim) read through my previous journal entries, two things popped up. First, I can't half ramble on when I get going  Not that it's bad stuff, but it just felt an effort to read through every single one! I'm going to try and be more concise with my entries in the future. Second, I've grown so much in the last 100 days. Even the most fundamental beliefs and opinions I had regarding music and my role as a musician have changed dramatically. But that topic can be left for another day.

Today, I want to talk about a very specific teaching which I took from Think and Grow Rich. As part of a self-confidence exercise, Hill suggests that you talk yourself through a "Self-Confidence Formula." One of the things that he has you read out is the following:

I will induce others to serve me because of my willingness to serve others.

In the past, I may not have been as accepting of this principle. I was largely in the business for myself, as we all are in the beginning. But after having committed this formula to memory and actively trying to embody it on a daily basis, it has started to become a part of my psyche. Now, I can spot opportunities more clearly which benefit both myself and the people that they affect. As a result, I have found myself becoming more willing to accept these opportunities and offer my services to others.

A friend of mine, who is a medic student, asked me to play guitar for her at a "Medics' Got Talent" event in the student union. Although she is incredibly busy with her degree, she writes beautiful and funny songs in her spare time. We performed together last year for a gig or two, so she returned to me for my services. I recognised that this would not only be beneficial for her, but I would be able to perform another gig for fun with the possibility of receiving some prizes.

There were many talented performers to take the stage including comedians, dancers, singers, poets, and choirs. But to my utter astonishment, we managed to win first prize! What a joy  I was more fulfilled about winning my friend the prize because I feel it meant more to her than to me. We received a certificate which, apparently, is an honor to have for a medic student and I'm so happy to have contributed to that cause. It will most definitely be more beneficial to her, but the fulfillment that I feel is just magical!

 

Pick of the day:

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 102 | Authenticity

Theory: There are two main paradigms for authenticity - the existential, and the spiritual.

Applying it: Reconcile the fact that what you believe to be authentic is based on a set of assumptions that fall within one of these paradigms.

 

Brownie points for me - I just applied some self-actualization knowledge into an academic essay for university! The first time ever that I've written an essay that makes use of self-actualization teachings. The essay question was "in what ways, and to what extent, is folk music more "authentic" than other genres of music?" This proved to be a very juicy topic indeed.

I don't want to write too much on this topic before I hand in the essay in case by some unfortunate miracle, they find this site and try and plagiarise me. All I will say is that the existential paradigm of authenticity focuses on the matching of a set of ideologies to something. Whereas, the spiritual paradigm of authenticity focuses on the intrinsic origins of something.

In folk music, for example, the first paradigm would focus on performing the music in accordance with traditions and regional/cultural identities, so as to create an 'authentic' performance. The second paradigm would focus on the spiritual forces occupying the 'authentic self' that produce music in the first place.

As tedious as essay-writing can be, this essay got me engaged for once. Authenticity is a weird concept when you force yourself to analyse it (or when your music course forces you, in my case!). It's going to be interesting to hear what the academics have to say about my response. It's not often I've been able to combine academia and self-actualization like a boss!

(Told you I'd make things brief) 

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 103 | Developing Awareness of True Value

Theory: 99% of the time, we are not conscious of the true value of the things around us.

Applying it: Instead of frantically searching for things currently outside of your near-immediate possession, start by looking at what you have already. You might suddenly realise the true value of what you have access to now and drop the need for something else.

 

So I've paid for access to Leo's book-list and am starting to go through the list slowly. As a student, I have access to massive libraries of resources which I can use free of charge. The only downside is that the majority of the books that are on Leo's list are not available in these libraries. Perhaps it has something to do with the popularity of the books in the UK and the US as I've noticed that the authors of the books I've bought so far are written by Americans.

But recently, I found a book that was both on Leo's list and in the university library: Toward a Psychology of Being by Abraham Maslow. After having checked the price tag on Amazon, it felt like I had found a diamond in the rough. I decided to go and look for the book myself, rather than requesting it to be collected. As I looked for the book, I stumbled across an entire library section filled with "self-actualization" books! There were books on psychology, well-being, consciousness, epistemology, metaphysics, sexuality... All sorts!

The amazing thing is that only now have I reached the point where I've developed sufficient desire to seek out self-actualization material from right under my nose. It's been there all this time without me even realising it. My assumption was that all of the books in the library must be full of academic nonsense that meant nothing to me. But how wrong can a guy be?

It's a pity that graduation will happen in a few months, which will cut off my access to this library. However, I feel incredibly fulfilled to have made this discovery in the first place. It simply means that I've only just become ready to receive this information exactly as I was supposed to. Here are three other books that I've picked up (not on Leo's list) which seem to be filled with promise. I will name them here in case I graduate before I get to read them:

Truth and Truthfulness by Bernard Williams

The Metaphysics of Consciousness (Royal Institute of Philosophy Supplement: 67) edited by Pierfrancesco Basile, Julian Kiverstein and Pauline Phemister

The Theory of Knowledge: Classical & Contemporary Readings by Louis P. Pojman

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 104 | Never-Ending Self-Actualization

Theory: "The fact is that no real-life flesh-and-bones human being can be completely free of deficiency motivation at every moment." (Richard Lowry)

Applying it: Come to terms with the fact that self-actualization is a continuous process, not simply a state of mind.

 

This little nugget has been in the back of my mind for a while now. But after seeing the quote above in the Foreward of Towards a Psychology of Being (3rd ed.), it has been affirmed. Self-actualization is an ongoing journey of self-discovery and mastery. While there may be moments that a "self-actualized" human being can exist, this position perhaps cannot be held indefinitely. It is something that can be maintained through the right habits. However, there will always be moments of lower-consciousness behaviour.

Whilst this is reassuring news for the self-actualizer as it shows that we are all "human," it presents a choice. The first choice would be to use this as an excuse to embrace the lower-consciousness behaviours so as to maintain a sense of identity. Hopefully, it is obvious that this could lead to "Zen devilry" or something similar. The second choice would be to accept this truth whilst still pursuing higher-consciousness behaviours. Then when moments of lower-consciousness do occur, it is no longer a big deal. They can just be swept aside, ready to start pursuing higher-consciousness once again.

This certainly calls into question the concept of "life purpose." Self-actualization is a lifelong pursuit. How we go about doing the self-actualization work is up to us. Maybe it's through mastery of emotions, success, relationships, meditation, enlightenment, and so on. The important thing to hang onto is the driving force to raise consciousness. So long as that need is being met, we can open up further possibilities to self-actualize.

 

Pick of the day:

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 105 | Tuning To Your Muse

Theory: As a creative person, it sometimes helps to reject 'convention' in order to draw upon your own creativity.

Applying it: Don't solely rely on traditional and conventional methods to achieve your work. Instead, ask yourself what could be created outside of these means.

 

The title of this entry was not chosen because it merely sounds good. In fact, I realised that I was literally doing this as a musician. Over the years, I've developed an ability called 'perfect pitch.' This means that I have the ability to listen to a random pitch and describe what note it is (eg. A, D#, Eb) and what frequency it is with considerable accuracy. Apparently, this is a rare ability in musicians but I'm convinced that it is a skill that I have acquired through years of tuning to my creative muse.

I started doing this when my mum refused to let me carry an iPod with me to school. As I hated the long bus journeys to and from school, I would gaze out of the window and try to imagine the music as if it were playing in real life. It was very easy to play back songs to myself that were recognisable, and it certainly passed the time. After a while doing this, it wouldn't be long before new music started coming to me. Music that had never been played by anyone in this world and, unfortunately, will never be heard again. But this newly-formed relationship with my creative muse forged my ability to be able to create new music through the ability of 'perfect pitch.'

Here's what I found most interesting about my 'perfect pitch' though. Whenever I tune my guitar without the aid of a tuner (which I don't need anymore!), it always seems slightly flat compared to concert pitch (A = 440hz). And yet, it felt much more natural and sounded a lot nicer to me. But why was that the case? This puzzled me for ages until I remembered stumbling into an article about an alternative tuning: A = 432hz. Here is a quote from that article:

Quote

According to Brain T. Collins, a musician and researcher, the standard pitch (A=440 Hz) does not harmonize on any level that corresponds to cosmic movement, rhythm, or natural vibration. The greatest musicians, such as Mozart and Verdi, based their music on the natural vibration of A=432. It’s true that it is only 8 vibrations per second different from the standard tuning, but this small difference seems to be remarkable to our human consciousness.

1

I compared my guitar tuning to a sine wave of 432hz to see how they compared. To my amazement, they were almost identical! I remember approaching this article months ago with some scepticism. The part where it says it "transmits beneficial healing energy" especially made me doubtful, and still does. However, I can't argue that this tuning feels completely natural and beautiful to listen to. Even when I do tune to concert pitch, I often regard it as sounding too sharp.

It just goes to show that if your creative muse feels that it is necessary to ignore the conventions, then it probably knows what it's doing! It's not to say that there is anything fundamentally wrong with concert pitch. It just so happens that the creative muse within me feels it better to play music in a slightly lower tuning than most. As a creative person, the creative muse is the ultimate boss when it comes to producing art. And it's unique in that it will only speak to you. So it pays to listen to it when nobody else can.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

Edited April 1, 2017 by Liam Johnson

[jjer94]

@Liam Johnson Ahh, a fellow perfect pitcher! Greetings!

I developed mine on accident too, oddly enough during the recorder unit in music class in elementary school. I matched the recorder with the bell tone one day, which happened to be A. Then, hearing that same school bell for the next three years ingrained it in my head. Relative pitch became perfect pitch within another couple years, all from trying to figure out key signatures of songs. 

It's a blessing and a curse. Helps so much with learning new songs, but it's really bad with singing. Because I know my vocal range, I anticipate the high notes and strain ("Oh, that high G is coming up...prepare yourself!!"). That's not good for the vocal cords, nor for vocal style.

Anyway, it was fun to read your story! Cheers.