Applying Theory To Everyday Life: A Musician's Perspective

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 365 | Resistance Has Been Winning

It feels pretty awful considering how lonely this journal has been looking. This was a sacred time for me very single evening to reflect on my experiences and focus on my plans for the future. It's such a shame that I've been suckered into the path of resistance. I've been backsliding for a long time now and it feels sad to think that earlier this year I was feeling so much better about my self-growth.

I wonder if it's because I've been doing this for quite a while now and it still feels like nothing much is happening as a result of it. Perhaps my psyche still wants it's gratification right now rather than several years down the line. That would explain my behaviours recently. It's silly and I'm ashamed to admit that I've been eating shit, exercising shit, watching shit, doing shit. There's a part of me that really wants this vision in my head to be right now. But unfortunately, it's going to take many more years before I can say I'm truly aligned with it.

I think at this point, I would like to not only recommit to my journal because I've just realised how much value it can actually create for myself, but also to slightly change the original intentions I had with this journal. Perhaps that's the reason why my last few entries have been so infrequent and seemingly in terms of its impact on me. I'd like to start using this journal to focus on building a better future for myself rather than looking at all the ways I've applied theory to my everyday life. And perhaps it would deserve a new journal but I tried that before and the idea sucked!

I don't know if I can stomach the thought of reading my last page of entries. Hopefully, it's been some insightful reading not because of content but because of context. It's a glimpse of the resistance I've been feeling recently and I guess that it's satisfying in that it proves that the path of self-actualisation isn't without its share of bumps and bruises.

Life is very different for me now than it was last year. My goals feel like they are real and slowly on their way to becoming achieved. In fact, it feels factually correct that I will succeed sooner or later. The resistance has just been slowing me down, that's all. It's not like it's completely killed my motivation or anything. But perhaps it has left me feeling less motivated to do specific things like reading, journaling, exercising etc. I'm on my way to recording an album of new music which has to be one of the most challenging enterprises I've ever done. Nobody's asking for it apart from my creative muse. And I'm sure people will be able to get value from it. It's just so hard to stay mindful of that without thinking "but what's the point?"

I've been keeping up the ongoing work from the LPC. I've been reading my Me Sheet and envisioning my future solid for over two weeks now, which has been slowly training my mind to see the potential value that I can create for others. Recently, I've been thinking about the vision about helping a suffering teenager find a role model to look up to and draw inspiration from to become more self-expressive and authentic. It's a powerful incentive for me to have because that used to be me a long time ago. I know how it feels to feel unwanted, unloved, undesirable. It felt like I lost my right to be who I want to be. It felt so scary (and it still does sometimes) to express my authentic self to the world.

But it's so obvious to me now that my life is about helping other people to be more self-expressive. It's the biggest challenge I've ever had to overcome (bigger than recording an album) and it's the best way I can give something back to the world. Sure, I'm still young with a lot to learn but that shouldn't undermine the value I could provide someone with right now. Crikey Liam! Why did you have to realise that now and not so much sooner?!

During the last couple of years, I've been worried about what possible value my music could provide someone with. But now I have the answer. It was never to be impressive or to show off. It was always to be self-expressive. The more self-expressive I can be, the more able I will be to inspire others to be self-expressive too. That's what I must embody right now. I need to provide such a rich abundance of self-expression that there's just so much to share with the world. It's what I value most and with my energy and enthusiasm, I'll be able to do that beautifully one day.

Or rather, the Muses will be able to do that through me. And it will be beautiful.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 366 | The Joy Of Bringing Value To Others

I'd like to dedicate this entry to anybody who has ever felt how I've felt when they've felt depressed about anything and particularly to my 13-year-old self. There were some dark moments of my teenage years where it felt like I would never be of any value to anybody in the world. At the very worst, I'd have thoughts of suicide but then further thoughts saying that even that wouldn't mean anything to anyone.

But this entry comes from a much older version of myself that just today was reminded of his value in the world. And when I say "world" I don't mean the whole of the human race but more like "my world." These are the people in my life: my family, friends, partner and my customers. There honestly aren't that many people close to me in my life right now. I could possibly count them on my fingers. But I would like to make this entry for my future self to serve as a reminder of just how much value I can have on simply one person in life.

I want to focus on my customers. There aren't many of them right now. In fact, there are only two of them right now. At this point, I think it's safe to say that my third might have decided to stop having lessons. Far from perfect right? And yes it's far from earning a living. I live at home still with mum and dad and earn what I can which (going on teaching alone) that's around £200 per month. It's important that I'm honest about this now because this has been my financial struggle for a good year now. Earnings are far from ideal but from my experience today, it's still so damn worth it.

These two students have been with me for a year now. I've taught them to the best of my ability and encouraged them to practice and develop themselves as guitar players. One of them has autism and has been able to learn 4 pieces: Smells Like Teen Spirit, Wonderwall, Psycho and The Handler (well at least up until those difficult chords after the main guitar solo). The other student, whose lesson today inspired me to write this entry, has entered for his grade 3 exam to take place later this year.

This makes me feel so damn inspired and fulfilled. I always say that the first year of doing something new is the worst. I've used that as encouragement for my students to help them push through that tricky first year. Maybe it's also true with teaching. But it's the second student in particular that has really fuelled me with energy because over the course of the year, I've helped him to perform 3 intricate rock/pop pieces, learn 13 scales, 7 arpeggios, improvise solos and recall melodies and chords through ear tests. It's after today's lesson that I'm convinced that he's going to pass his exam and it feels awesome. Seeing him smiling away through our whole lesson and genuinely having fun and laughter throughout was a great sign that he's found something that really matters to him. Could it be that I've helped this kid find a calling of his own? Time will tell.

The lesson I want to take away from this is about having the motivation to go out and work on your life purpose. The reward of doing this work is the fulfilment that you get from doing the work. I repeat! The reward of doing this work is the fulfilment that you get from doing the work! The pay check at the end of the day is just there to allow you to keep doing the work that you are doing. The fulfilment from receiving money for doing your life purpose (no matter how small or big) is far outweighed by the fulfilment of actually doing your life purpose.

Yes, I may have lost a student because I had kind of given up on him. That's fine. It's my responsibility that he's going to end up quitting because I've played a role in facilitating the lessons and doing the job (which is to inspire him with a more self-expressive life, not just to teach him how to play guitar). I failed in that instance and it's okay. Because if the other two students have taught me anything, it's that I have the ability to provide so much value for someone. I can be a valuable asset to someone. It doesn't matter about the quantity of people I help but the quality with which I help them.

So there you go, Mr. 13-year-old Liam from the past. There is your proof at long last that you CAN be a valuable asset to someone. You can change the world in meaningful ways. It's time for you to stop believing that you're never going to be good enough for people because here is the proof! It took you nearly 10 years to create the proof but it was worth every second.

And this is bizarre and possibly even imaginary but I do believe that when I actually was around that age, I visualised having a conversation with my future self. The future self who had figured out something worth living for. Something worth bettering myself for. Say what you will but I think that future self is right here and right now. Because for once in my life, I believe in myself.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 367 | The Crash

Hello journal. It's good to see you again. I'm sorry for neglecting you. Lots of things have happened since we last spoke and I'm here to tell you about them now.

My monkey mind has been desperately trying to take over my attempts to apply this self-actualisation work. It even went so far as to sway me into having a car crash that could have been fatal. I'll never forget it: how this world, which has felt concrete and stable in its design throughout my life, suddenly vanished without a trace. Any sense of "me" or "my life" was erased in an instant. All that was left was nothingness. When I came around, I realised just how easy it was for this existence to be remoulded like clay. It felt like waking up to a new existence with no clue what just happened.

The accident taught me just how important it is to follow the path of self-actualisation. It's not something that you can just try for a year or two just because you heard somewhere that it's good for you. It's not something that you can just casually abandon once you have committed your life to it. True and proper self-actualisation is something that can save your life.

This is now a few weeks after the crash and still I notice resistance hidden within me. Resistance to want to work hard and learn hard. Resistance to strive for something better. Always resistance. But one thing I can't resist is how it felt to (in a manner of speaking) "see God." It terrifies me, the ego. Fortunately, it wasn't death but there was no conscious way of telling the difference. But as terrifying as it is to contemplate that everything about who we are and how we live is utterly meaningless, there must also be some positive lesson equally powerful to counterbalance the neutrality of unconsciousness.

A personal way of looking at it might bring up the question "why am I still alive?" And although it would be nice to think that God believes that there's still work to be done on my part in this world, neutrality would suggest that this would be just an interpretation. The truth is right here and right now. The truth is in the existence of these words. The truth is beautiful.

And so, may this journey of life continue with detachment from outcome and peace of mind knowing that the place we will all reach in the end is forgivingly neutral.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 368 | What's Causing Resistance?

Here is a list of things that I'm currently resisting in my life at the moment:

• Recording YouTube videos
• Going to bed on time
• Waking up on time
• Eating healthy food and omitting fatty snacks and desserts
• Doing meditations and visualisations
• Working on the album
• Writing this journal
• Being myself
• Interacting with others not close to me
• Sharing my gifts with the world

Current resistance-provoking thoughts:

• Nobody will ever appreciate what I have to offer
• Nobody will ever want to pay me for the work I do
• What good will it do anyway?
• I'll just do this as a one-off
• Others will end up rejecting me and my work if I put myself out there

Honest reasons for resisting:

• Don't want to feel deprived of food or treats
• Fear of being rejected
• Don't want to feel emotional discomfort of any kind
• Not enough focus on the long-term consequences. Too much focus on the short-term

Solution:

Allow yourself to feel the emotional discomfort that you are resisting for one of these activities. What does it feel like in your body? Can you name the emotion? Sit with it for several minutes until you find yourself acquainted with the emotion. This will make you less afraid of it in the future. Repeat with another activity.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 369 | Resourcefulness In Resistance

Today, I decided to start a new practice. The purpose is to stand in front of a recording camera and microphone and allow myself to be as self-expressive as possible. Self-expression is a key part of my life purpose. It's the thing I've struggled to do for most of my life up until now. However, I've discovered that with a guitar in my hands, that problem soon disintegrates. I can be as self-expressive as possible when music is at the core focus of life. But without an instrument, my voice is weak. Nerves build in my chest like a tightening wasp nest. My limbs become limp.

I must have recorded myself for around an hour and a half. It was a shaky start as the feelings of anxiety and nervousness permeated my body. Even if I tried to focus on being relaxed, the tight squeeze inside my chest would not let me go. But once the realisation came that everything was okay, nothing would hurt me, in fact there was no 'me' to be hurt, then it became a lot easier to focus on being self-expressive.

It turns out that if you try and force yourself to be self-expressive, in fact the opposite happens. The mind applies a force upon you that tries to change what you are in the now. With a concentrated focus on being genuine, however, the honesty of your emotions and thoughts are allowed to come to the surface without worry or rejection.

For the first 40 minutes of this exercise, the camera and microphone had an intimidating presence. No matter what happened, it would continue on and on with its recording without concern for its subject. The nervousness in my chest (where it felt strongest) slowly started to become diluted with added awareness. A realisation came that there was a mental barrier separating "me" from "it." And upon further inspection, it became clear that as well as the fact that this was conditioning of the mind, it was also the source of the nervousness. With a lessening concern for myself, it felt easier to connect with the camera and microphone like a best friend: someone to whom you have no restraints for, someone to whom you express everything about yourself, someone who will listen to your every word from a neutral perspective.

And so, friends we became. By the end of the exercise, the nervousness had converted to energy that could be used to further enhance self-expression. And most important, the fears and reservations that I had going into the exercise resolved themselves by the end. Perhaps the engrained reflexes of the mind will allow these fears to resurface on the next attempt. But for now, fears have been faced and vanquished. Passions no longer communicating through struggle but through unison. And it created the same feeling of harmony and freedom that comes from playing the guitar; one of the most satisfying feelings there is to experience.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 370 | Reflection (operation edition)

It feels a bit unfair to try and reflect on the last 10 entries seeing as my attendance has been very poor. But today I received some news about an operation that I'm going to have on a benign growth below my left ear. So I figured I'd reflect on this instead.

This is a first-time operation experience for me. It has nothing to do with the car crash referred to in the previous entries. This became apparent earlier this summer. The surgeon/consultant is a wonderfully kind and sensitive lady who seems to be very experienced and caring towards the wellbeing of her patients. She info-dumped me with all the potential risks about the surgery which turned out to be a lot worse than I thought. Although my boyfriend pointed out that in the summer, the biggest worries were whether or not it would be cancerous (which fortunately it isn't yet).

This shook me up quite a bit. On reflection, it's fair to say that there was a lot of resistance on the emotional front. But just like yesterday, I whipped out my recording equipment and proceeded to speak into it as genuinely and honestly as possible, referring to emotions, thoughts and sensations happening at the time. This exercise worked wonders once again. For the first 30-40 minutes (just like before), the overwhelming negative emotions came flooding though. It felt pretty shit during this period but there was a lot of freedom in choosing not to suppress them anymore. Then after around 40 minutes, the emotions didn't necessarily get any better but peace of mind came to be. It felt good to speak genuinely about the thoughts and feelings coming into awareness as they did.

By the end of the practice session, I felt so much better about the negative emotions that I was feeling. At the same time as understanding why they were being suppressed, it also dawned on me that these feelings were nothing to be afraid of. To actively encourage these emotions to come to the forefront of conscious awareness was an enriching experience that also helped make sense of some of the thoughts that were coming through my mind. Although emotionally I felt pretty shit, there was another kind of sensation inside my body that felt really satisfied and happy. And it's my guess that it's due to the fact that I was able to authentically self-express without fear of emotions, thoughts, judgment or hatred.

The day following this exercise, just as yesterday went, seemed to flow like a soothing river. My mother's own frustrations just seemed to wash over me and in doing so helped her to calm herself down. Productivity and creativity for the rest of the day has felt super fulfilling.

This is certainly an exercise tailored to my life purpose and tailored to my own wellbeing. I'd love to do this as much as possible from now on.

 

Pick of the day:

 

edit: Just saying, Raga Hamsadhwani is very enriching and soul-lifting  

Edited December 14, 2018 by Liam Johnson

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 371 | Time To Be Stereotypical

It does kinda pain me to think that I've been proper stereotypical in trying to start some New Year resolutions. But the truth of it is that the last month or so has been about recovery from the crash. It just so happens that at this point I feel well enough to start getting back into shape physically and mentally.

The fact that I seem to have got over the crash very smoothly (not necessarily easily) makes me want to praise myself because the direction that things could have gone if I wasn't on top of my psychology could have been pretty self-sabotaging. There has been a bit of that in regards to eating and exercising as well as not being able to play guitar and work to the ability that I had reached. But things are better now and it seems like the right time to start implementing some changes, New Year or not.

My top 5 goals for this year are:

1. Record and publish an acoustic guitar album
2. Perform onstage once per week (when fully recovered from surgery)
3. Film a YouTube video every week (52 videos per year)
4. Replace bad internet browsing habits with listening to new music
5. Meditate and journal every day without fail

These goals have been ordered by priority but all are high-priority at the moment. The first goal is something I have been working on for a good while now and have made some significant progress on. It's just a shame that it's had to be set back by a significant amount. The original aim was to have it ready to release by early 2019 but it may be the end of the year now. This album really does mean a lot to me because it will be the first public album that I release longer than 45 minutes in length and for-profit. It symbolises the start of the path of mastery and self-discovery that I've been on and with it's completion, will cement itself and myself as something meaningful for music-lovers everywhere. Though I'm never going to be as popular as mainstream pop-stars today, hopefully my name and this album will be recognised by people in my field and people will start to take me seriously in my music endeavours.

This will tie in to performing onstage once per week. Although I'm still not at 100% health capacity, I can make plans to organise gigs starting in spring as well as hone my craft onstage in different venue scenarios. Performing and creating new music is my Zone of Genius. I'm at my best when I'm lost in the performance of a piece of music. This is my gift to the world and the ideal medium through which I want to express that gift is onstage and in videos. From busking on the street to performing a shit open-mic night, I know that I need to pull my finger out and just learn how to put on a show in any situation. My focus for performance has changed from trying to prove my excellence to others into trying to use energy and enthusiasm to inspire others to be more self-expressive. This new focus of performing music is something that I want to practice for real and with the performing experience I've accumulated, this one should be an easy one. All I need to do is embrace my fears of approaching people and venues and asking them to offer me a spot at a gig.

The third goal, to film a YouTube video every week, is related to my life purpose: to use energy to inspire people to be more self-expressive. There are many ways I could explore being self-expressive and making weekly YouTube videos that features more than just performances of my pieces seems to be the most obvious way of doing things. I've got used to the format of recording videos now so all I need to do is allow myself to be self-expressive through different avenues such as teaching music, sharing music that I'm enthusiastic about, talking about real-life problems and solutions, interacting with others, etc. During my recovery, I realised that I don't have to rely on the guitar to be self-expressive. If I practice being self-expressive without the instrument, I can learn to fulfil my purpose without the aid of any external object. So this goal will be really important for my growth on the self-expressive front.

My fourth goal is to deal with a problem that I've been having for a while now. Internet browsing has been the one habit that has sucked up the most of my energy throughout the year. To change this habit, I am going to limit the hours that I will allow myself to do this and start to include the habit of listening to new music. As a musician, it's important that I listen to a wide variety of music. And with Spotify, I can do exactly that. The problem is that listening to new music doesn't feel as comfortable as binge-watching things on YouTube or watching TV. The reason being that it is actually going to fulfil my life purpose, improve my skills and widen my imagination to listen to new music. The same can't be said for binge-watching YouTube. My boyfriend and I actually spent New Year celebration listening to Elgar's Enigma Variations and it was one of the most perfect and magical ways to have celebrated our first full calendar year together. So now, I just want this habit to replace the bad habit that came before because it still fulfils the function of kicking back and relaxing but also inspires and educates me to write new music myself.

The fifth and final goal is super important. There was a time when I would meditate and journal every single day. It was during third-year of university, which is what I look back on as being one of the best years all around in my life. I felt so happy keeping up these habits whilst also finding the time to work on my university work. This goal is to encourage me to adopt these habits once again and make them concrete parts of my life for the rest of my life. I really do love this journal and documenting my life as it happens. Also, I love meditating and the wonderful sense of alertness and awareness that comes with it. The trouble is that if you miss a single day, it can be more than enough fuel for the ego to make it want to resist it the next day. And the next day. And the next day until it no longer becomes a habit. This is what has happened in my life so far. And it's time to put things back to how they were.

For each goal I have written down measurable steps to help me keep on track and to keep focused. The more I keep breaking down these steps, the easier it will be to see that I really CAN do these things. Not by willpower but by genuine authentic desires for growth and wellbeing. It's not going to be the happiest of times but also neither was third-year university. There were difficult times where things felt impossible. But a looming deadline meant that the work had to be done. My deadline for these goals is 31st December 2019. There's no room left to put off these goals anymore. My money has drained since the crash, thus creating that sense of urgency that I hope will continue to be remembered every step of the way.

So here's to the New Year!

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 372 | New Year's Resolutions? Focus on Inclusion, not on Avoidance

Theory: As described by the law of attraction, what you choose to focus on is what you end up getting.

Applying it: When making changes or resolutions in your life, shift your focus from wanting to avoid doing things in your life to wanting to include positive things.

 

Today has been a great day for cynicism for me. From looking at adverts on an Aldi brochure preying to pretentious fitness and healthy-eating novices to driving 7mph behind an overweight man desperately trying to cycle up a steep Sheffield hill, it's safe to say that New Year's resolutions are a bit of a fad. Because while advertisements and programs are promoting the benefits of the single most generic form of change to a person's life (fitness and wellbeing), it won't be long before the tradition of eating chocolate Easter eggs starts taking over the shops and flooding the shells. In a month or two, the same people who are putting smoothie ingredients into their shopping baskets now will be indulging on those tasty chocolate treats.

That's not to say I'm judging them. I'm talking from experience. The amount of chocolate I've consumed in my life is perhaps more than average and I agree that Easter eggs are one of the most exciting treats for a chocolate lover. And I'll just put it out there that I, too, am making those same resolutions this year in regards to what I eat. The reason for this cynicism is because it's so easy to just go with the flow of our culture. To question these things and ask "is this genuinely what I want for myself?" can be the key to change.

But also, it's got to be said that even though my diet has seen better days, it's seen some far worse days. Gone are the cereal-bowl breakfasts and in are the blueberry spinach smoothies. Gone are the generic ham sandwiches with crisps and a chocolate bar and in are the huge-ass salad bowls that effortlessly satisfy the 5-a-day rule. Gone are the instant-ready microwave meals and in are the satisfying self-made home dishes packed with healthy proteins, fats and fibre. My eating habits have slipped up in the respect that I've been indulging in chocolate desserts more than I should.

Apart from the habit I want to change, the rest of my eating habits came from wanting to make a significant change in my lifestyle. How did I make that change? Certainly not by focusing on what I was avoiding. Ultimately, I wanted to avoid the habit of microwave meals, fatty burgers, pizzas, takeaways and even restaurant food. I wanted to be able to rely on myself to prepare and make tasty food without somebody else doing it for me. My focus was always on the foods that I wanted to include in my life. After reading The Immune System Recovery Plan, I was presented with recipe ideas that were not only healthy but also backed up by scientific, nutritional facts. After reading Rich Food Poor Food, I was taught how to read through the deceptive narrative of food packaging and hunt for the really good stuff (which there isn't a lot of). With all of this, I was able to focus on including the healthiest foods and the tastiest foods into my diet and the rest is history.

Healthy food doesn't taste bad. It actually tastes really darn good. The trouble is that the mainstream media that promotes certain "healthy" recipes and techniques really don't know what shit they are chatting. And if they are actually healthy, they probably don't taste that good at all. Which makes a lot of sense because they end up setting you up nicely for the really fucking tasty Easter eggs that will come along shortly afterwards.

The biggest secret for change: don't let the calendar and our culture dictate when you're going to make changes in your life (it was just a coincidence for me to start making changes now that I've recovered almost fully). Have your own intentions for making changes in your life and focus only on the positive changes that you want to start including in your life. If you focus too much on avoiding things (such as being overweight), your mind will fail to distinguish between what you want and what you don't.

Your mind is deaf to the words "don't, can't, won't." It only sees "I want to be overweight." It only sees "I want to eat chocolates." "I want to eat unhealthily." "I want to be fat." The solution is to feed your mind with positive thoughts. It's super obvious. But every single one of those thoughts in the example ought to have had the words "don't, can't, won't."

Feed your mind with thoughts such as "I want to eat healthily." "I want to eat fruit salads for dessert." "I want to have a smoothie for breakfast every day." "I can be arsed to make these changes." "I can see the long-term benefits of my actions here and now." Make sure you really can see the long-term benefits too. It will only make the process far more enjoyable.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 373 | Feeling The Dip

Theory: Whenever you try and make a change or start a habit or practice, there's a dip that you first have to encounter where it feels harder and seems more impossible to keep up the change.

Applying it: Be mindful that whenever you challenge your mind's homeostasis, there will be a noticeable dip along the way where you will feel like quitting. Remember the dip and try to focus on the long-term growth waiting for you on the other side.

 

Imagine a curve from left to right. This curve represents your momentum in making changes. It might start relatively high but of course not as high as you're aiming for. Then as time progresses and you put more effort in, the curve initially starts to decline. Your mind goes into panic mode. Surely by putting more effort into this change would mean that momentum would gradually build over time, right? If I'm putting all this effort and all I feel is this sinking feeling of confusion and despair, then why should I even make the change in the first place?

The lowest point on the dip is usually the place where we tend to give up. I've experienced this with playing golf. As much as I really enjoyed the satisfying feeling of hitting a 250-yard drive down the fairway, I hated the thousand attempts it took prior to getting there. Therefore, I got so mad that I ended up breaking my putter and quit the sport altogether. This was during my turbulent teenage years when I had no definite purpose in life yet.

If only we could get over this little hurdle and see that once we reach the lowest point on the dip, there remains a steady but endless climb to mastery and success. Once those thoughts of homeostasis are bettered by the emotional drive of the soul, there remains only growth. And from this point, the curve rises and rises without falter.

This is not to be confused with the mastery curve which is slightly different as it includes plateaus. However, I figured it might be helpful for myself and for future readers to be reminded of the dip curve. The first few days of a person's new year's resolution are usually full of gusto, enthusiasm and optimism. YES, I'm going to create a new Me starting here and now! But because this is not a trained thought, we don't fully believe it enough to repeat it as honestly for the next few weeks and months as we did at the start.

The trick is to just be honest with yourself and be mindful of your body, mind and surroundings. Be aware of the dip as you will inevitably encounter it. Be willing to ride it to the lowest point. After all, riding down the dip of a hill is far easier than climbing up it. All the same, have the strength and the courage to climb up the hill once you hit the lowest point. It is a hill. And it doesn't get any easier. You just get better. Climb the hill, knowing that there is no summit. It really doesn't matter how high you climb either. Just be willing to climb higher than you originally started. That will be enough to provide you with long-term fulfilment.

 

Pick of the day:

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 374 | Sharing Yourself Completely

Theory: No matter how truthful we think we are, there are some things which we are blind to that we never get to share with others. This keeps us from feeling free and self-expressive.

Applying it: Find somebody to whom you can share every aspect of yourself with. Without being needy, allow yourself to be as open and honest with that person as possible and develop the courage to talk about things with them that you have never talked about with anyone else before, not even yourself.

 

I feel very lucky to have found a wonderful partner that I can share myself with. As someone who went through school and sixth form without making any lasting close friends, going to university to study my passion allowed me to meet up with similar people to myself. I made many great music friends at university but my best friend was so amazing to me that I couldn't stop myself from being honest with them about everything. This person then became my boyfriend and has continued to support me through the last year and a bit.

Last night, we had a conversation (a form of communication that seems to have been lost at some point by some people) about my sexual fantasies. It felt very personal at first, making me completely resist any attempt to communicate them. After a while of digging into each others beliefs about various things, I ended up admitting a very powerful and well-engrained belief about myself to him. It was the belief that I am a freak.

My life at school and since has been great proof of it. On the negative side, my schoolmates constantly made me feel like a freak with verbal abuse and bullying. On the positive side, I developed my guitar skills to what some would describe as a freak of nature very quickly as a youngster. There were certain things that I really liked and enjoyed that I felt too ashamed to tell anybody about because I felt that I'd get called out for being a freak. Not just sexual desires but even just basic likes and dislikes. There were quirks about me that I'd be too ashamed to allow to come to the surface. It's been an ongoing struggle for me.

But talking with my boyfriend about this allowed me to really become aware of this mega belief that has been permeating my life for many years. And with the realisation of this belief came such sad emotions and sub thoughts. It was as I cried on his shoulder that I realised that he was perhaps the first person to ever let me cry on his shoulder. Never had I been so close to somebody nor had I opened up so deeply to someone.

So much relief comes from being able to admit something that you've hid from the world for so long that you've forgotten it yourself.

10/10 would recommend to a friend.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 375 | Self-expression Through Clothing

Theory: If you are passionate about self-expression, it doesn't serve you to just buy any old style of clothes. It has to resonate with you emotionally.

Applying it: Try not to listen to your mind too much when purchasing things that align with your values. If it's something that emotionally excites you and are sure that it aligns with your values, then it's worth going for it.

 

Today I went shopping with my boyfriend to spend vouchers and money given to me at Christmas. It was a really fun day from start to finish and we bought lots of things. As one for not really loving the idea of materialism that much, the benefits of being able to find things that you really love can't be ignored. When it comes to clothing, I always have a vision about what specific styles I would like to pull off and an emotional reaction towards the ones that grab me on a personal level. I never think about what trends are or what people around me are wearing. In the same way that I'm trying to be authentic, I try to dress in a genuine way that comes across as my own personal style.

Nearing the end of the trip, I spotted a really cool hockey jersey that triggered me. Jerseys are one of the quirky things I enjoy wearing. It reminds me of watching wrestling back as a kid and seeing John Cena rocking them in his early years. Although I was emotionally drawn into it, my boyfriend warned me about the price of it, because it wasn't cheap, and my mind instantly took over and decided to shy away from the idea completely.

I tried to reason with myself that it would be rash to go ahead and impulse buy an item like that, especially given my financial position at the moment. My mind was set on just leaving the shopping trip there and going home without buying it. It seemed like the best thing to do. But my boyfriend (who I've been actively including in my personal development work) noticed my behaviours and spotted the resistance that my mind and body experienced. He told me to just "be" for a moment, stop thinking and go with gut feeling.

So after cutting out the thinking and just being, I visualised very instantly both scenarios of returning home with or without the buy. Ultimately, it felt like the honest thing to do would be to go back and have a good look at it and decide then. So we did. And after a little bit more "being" time, the emotional gut response was to go ahead and purchase it. In hindsight, it felt like the best thing to do because although it was a case of spotting and buying, I've had my eye on that jersey online for a long time and rationalised my way out of getting it. The fact that I've made a journal entry about it means that I feel strongly that it was the right decision.

Fashion is one of the avenues I have started exploring for self-expression, which I discovered was my top value in life. After years of wearing bland clothing, it feels so energising to apply creativity to the things I wear. When it comes to buying things that align with your top values in life, you can't use your mind to decide whether it's the right thing to do. Sometimes, an emotional or spiritual energy appears to draw you into buying it. And to the mind it's completely irrational. But to the soul, it feels damn good.

I remember the day I bought my favourite acoustic guitar. My guitar teacher at university advised me to use my scholarship to buy a truly awesome acoustic guitar that I would love for years on end. So off I went to the guitar shop in Sheffield. I played through lots of different acoustic guitars, some expensive and some cheap. Many of them didn't really grab me even though they were really nice. But there was one acoustic guitar in the second-hand section (middle-range in price) that seemed to completely resonate with me. Everything that didn't feel quite right about the other guitars was fixed in this one. The fretboard felt like butter, the sound of the guitar was warm and full of character, and the design of the wood was gorgeous. There was a strong spiritual force that engulfed me as I played on it for the first time. And just like that, I purchased it without a second thought. This acoustic guitar still remains to be my absolute favourite nearly 4 years later.

There would just be no point in buying another acoustic guitar just for material purpose because everything is perfect about this one. Not only that, but the quality of the music that I have written on this instrument saw a dramatic increase. My passions for performance has increased and my love for music has deepened.

It's important to try not to be too rational when making these purchases. Buying this jersey wasn't about trying to look cool. I bought it because it just fills me with energy and enthusiasm for the day. Also it showcases to the world the importance of self-expression which is not necessarily about the mind expressing something but the soul. It also felt good to get a compliment from a passer-by about my Stone Cold Steve Austin jersey because I bought it with similar intentions and it also fired up an emotional response in them too.

Self-expression is great. I'm learning to find as many different ways of embodying that value every single day. This is just one of them.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 376 | Find Your Own Way Of Doing Things

Theory: There are many different methods of accomplishing the same result. The trick is to find the one that resonates with you the most and work it like a boss.

Applying it: Try several different approaches when trying to motivate yourself to reach certain goals. See which ones feel most natural and which ones fill you with the most energy for creative potential.

 

So there goes a full week of 2019 and things are honestly looking really optimistic for me. After spending a lovely time with my boyfriend at home and in Sheffield, I'm at home once again on my own. But instead of wanting to waste my time on distractions like YouTube and TV, I feel more energised to make daily goals and bust through them. I believe one of the reasons for this motivation is due to finding new ways of accomplishing the same thing.

One of the methods I've changed in the last week compared to the rest of my life is my approach to planning goals into my daily life. Before, I would use my calendar to plan out certain hours of the day for working at my goals. But after a while of doing this, I started to just end up ignoring it because too often things would come up in my life unexpectedly and disrupt my plans. The method I'm using to deal with this is what I'm calling a "Being Liam" page. At the end of each day, I will write down a maximum of 10 things to do for the next day with a tick box next to each one. That's it. Nice and simple. It's not a to-do list, it's a "being Liam" list. The focus is on what I want to do, not on what I have to do.

Another method I've adopted is an observation tactic for meditation. This I learned a few years ago from an Actualized.org video. Instead of sitting and just doing nothing (which was my previous method), I've found great satisfaction in just a week in using this more focused method. Again nice and simple, all I have to do is observe my vision, hearing, senses, imagination, thoughts and emotions. Then just apply a simple label to them and appreciate them as fully as possible for a few seconds before letting my awareness shift back to the present. The labels are see (for vision and imagination), hear (for hearing and thoughts) and feel (for bodily senses and emotions).

Daily meditation and goal-setting were indeed good habits that I kept up at one stage in my life. Yet over time they stopped being part of it because of an overused or outdated method. As everything grows and changes, so too can we allow our methods to change over time to better suit the here-and-now Self. If a method seems to become stale and activities seem to get more difficult over time, question the method you use first and foremost. What about it is holding you back? Find a solution to resolve this question and apply it immediately.

Even though I've kept up my "Being Liam" pages for the last week, there isn't a single day where I've completed everything that I've set out to do the night before. But on average, each day has had around an 80% success rate. This is what is keeping me motivated and it wouldn't be possible without updating my previous method of relying on the calendar. If I failed to do something using the calendar method, I would beat myself up about it and likely fall into a spiral of self-sabotage. But with this new system, I'm able to easily keep track of my general ability to produce a successful outcome.

A final reason why I love this new system for goal-setting is because I can put whatever I truly want on it. If one day I fancy going to the beach, I can put on the page "have a great day at the beach." Not only am I allowing genuine desires and wishes to come to the surface, but I'm also encouraging myself to make the most of it and giving myself more freedom to express myself authentically.

Updating old methods doesn't mean you drastically change the thing you're doing. It just allows you to accomplish the same goal from a different angle with perhaps greater or worse success. Either way, it's an opportunity to see what works best for you. Let the method come from you rather than letting yourself grow from the method.

 

Pick of the day:

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 377 | Combining Journaling With My Life Purpose

Yesterday I did some contemplating on my life purpose, strengths and values with the hope of using them to the max in a continuation of YouTube videos. Many thanks have to go to the Life Purpose Course for encouraging me to go so deep on this topic that it would be able to become a prime focus for everything in my life. As discovered in the course, my life purpose is using energy to inspire people to be self-expressive. It just so happens that with that life purpose is my biggest fear; the fear of rejection and being a freak.

For many years, I've found it a constant battle to fully be self-expressive in the company of others. The last few journal entries serve as an example as to how I'm only just opening up to things about myself to somebody else, the person closest to me in life currently. I've struggled to engage in conversations, share my likes and dislikes, wear the clothes I want, speak my ideas even if they are contrary to others and hide my true feelings in the company of others for the majority of my life. It only makes sense that self-expression ought to be my life purpose and my top value in life. It's the thing that I have grown more and more over the last few years that has provided me with so much more fulfilment than anything else in life.

I started by asking the following questions relating to my life purpose:

• What am I really enthusiastic about? (focusing on energy)
• What can I do to help people be more self-expressive? (focusing on self-expression)
• How can I use my passions to help people be more self-expressive? (bringing the two together)

After looking at this list for some time, an idea struck. And the more I wrote about it, the more it seemed to just click with every part of my Me Sheet. The idea revolves around making this very journal into a video series. The reason being is for so long I have considered messages and emails to be the least self-expressive forms of communication possible. Don't get me wrong. It can still be expertly applied to create long-lasting meaning and impact. But in order to truly live my life purpose, I figured it would be wise to spend a certain amount of time every day (or near enough) being self-expressive in-front of a camera with the focus of creating an insightful journal entry. After all, speaking into a camera is similar to speaking into another human being. The more comfortable I can be with one can increase my ability to be comfortable with the other.

So that's the idea I would like to implement this month. With surgery looming, there isn't a lot of long-term planning I can do in terms of trying to get gigs and things that will require me to be fit and healthy. In a few months, my health will decline as a result of the anaesthetic. But it will surely get back on track. However, the very least I could do is to make this transition with my journal and with my life purpose. It seems like a more expressive avenue of fulfilling the same function and it's something I can put more energy into than just mashing keys.

And if by some miracle people actually really like the content that I put out as a result of this, then it means I may be able to make a little money at the same time. If people really care about the journal as it grows and develop a want to see me be more personal and all-encompassing, then perhaps through Patreon I could set up a scheme where people can get that if they are willing to support me financially. Obviously it won't be lots and lots of money but it would allow some very select people who deeply resonate with me to give something in return and get something even better in return in return.

Let's just ride it out!

 

Pick of the day:

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 378 | Honesty Is Compelling

Theory: Worrying too much about coming across a certain way to others will always be expressed and it will always feel shallow and uninspiring.

Applying it: Instead of trying to edit your self-image to please others, shift all of your focus onto just being as honest as you can possibly be.

 

Although being honest is a concept that can scare some people (particularly those with big secrets that they feel too afraid to share with others), it is exactly the quality that you need to start getting good at if you want to experience any kind of growth at all as a human being. Especially so if that growth has anything to do with self-expression. I've been reading Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton after a lot of months of resisting the book due to feeling scared about admitting things about myself to others. After now being deep in the narrative, it's obvious why I resisted it. It is so fundamental to my life purpose of inspiring people to be self-expressive.

For the last half of 2018, I was certain that I wanted to make some talkative, informative videos for my YouTube channel. But all of the attempts that I made with regard to speaking into the camera were full of nerves and anxieties, particularly due to worries about how I would appear onscreen. And as a viewer, you can sense those anxieties if you pay enough attention and it really puts you off. It's like going to watch a student concert. The performers are so young and inexperienced that they feel so anxious about their playing that it comes across in the music that they make. As an audience member, you feel shaky and unsteady just like the performer. That is why we pay so much money to see professional concerts and not amateur concerts.

The best way to get rid of these anxieties I have recently found is to completely change the focus of your mind to being genuine and honest. This takes some practice but the results can come pretty fast. With this focus at the forefront of my mind, the last few attempts at making talkative videos have felt very fresh and alive. As a viewer, it's clear to see that there was no attempt made by the subject in the video to persuade you to be pleased by them. They're just being themselves in the moment. And yes I refer to video Liam as a different person because it's true both physically and mentally to the here-and-now Liam.

You might worry that being so honest would mean that all of your flaws would come to the surface, which would most likely face criticism from others. And yes that is true but who's to say that this is a worrying thing? One of the things I love about Radical Honesty is that the author makes no attempt to hide any aspect of himself. As well as the admirable visionary side of his psyche, he just as effortlessly admits the more ego-centric flaws that he has. And as a reader, this is far more compelling than a pretentious monologuing hipster using clever words without ever contemplating the depth of them. To paraphrase the book, the only fools in life are those that pretend that they are not fools.

So embrace who you are right now. Let all your flaws come to the surface and you'll be surprised to find that they are not nearly as awful as you believe them to be. Even when I decided to burp twice during my first video journal today (which went really well btw), it still felt authentic and genuine and therefore providing a deeper connection with the viewer. People deserve to see your flaws just as much as your greatest gifts. They deserve every aspect of you no matter how weird. Just be honest. It's better than the alternative.

 

Pick of the day:

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 379 | Evolution Of The Journal

Having done this journal for a number of years, I feel super impressed that so many people have started and maintained their journals. When I started, there were only a handful of us. Now there's dozens! You're all doing great guys so keep it up. No matter how long you find yourself in resistance, always come back. Even if it's months or years, you can get so much from coming back to your journal time and time again.

I've certainly not been keeping up this journal as much as I have done in the past but my commitment to keeping it updated will always continue. Starting this journal way back in late 2016, I used this journal to teach myself how to touch type using a Dvorak keyboard. Years later, I can touch-type like a pro and the connection between the words I want to speak verbally and the words I want to type onscreen has got so much stronger. When I type, it feels like I'm using my normal speaking voice. And the best part is that I don't even have to see the screen to know exactly what I'm typing.

But as I like to do with my music, I felt it was around time to take my journal to the next level. As I've stated in previous entries, I've been recording video journals to myself which will later be shared. The reason for this decision is because I wanted to use more than just my ability to touch-type in order to be self-expressive. Self-expression is my top value in life. It's the thing that I've struggled with the most and it's the thing that once I'm able to conduct it with all of my being, it provides me with the deepest fulfilment second to that of an enlightenment experience, which I actually managed to have in December in front of the camera. That video remains very special to me and may not be shared but one day maybe...

The reason why I've made the transition to the video camera is because I want to be able to be as self-expressive in person as I have been with this journal in written form. I've actually been resisting a few days because of a wedding that I was best man for. It was great, by the way, as it was the first time in my life I've been asked to be best man. And it was for my first friend in school so it was very awesome! But after a few days of being resisty, I came back in style today and managed to record my third video journal.

Truth be told, I'm extremely happy with how it went. Today, it was about discovering and learning from a great performance coach, Benjamin Zander. The great thing about being in front of the camera is that I feel more compelled to allow my emotions to come to the surface. Typing is great but I can't be as emotional and passionate behind the keyboard. As well as trying to offer something of value to whoever might watch the video journal when it's shared, I was able to be myself without any reservations. Self-expression was taking form during the whole thing and that's great.

So just as a heads-up, this journal may evolve into something new for 2019. Feel free to stick around  

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 380 | Behold The Video Journal

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 381 | Missing You Journal

Hi there  I've missed you

This journal has been one of the best things to ever happen to me. I've so many happy and sad memories writing into this journal and it's my pleasure to be able to transfer this into something so much more self-expressive and honest. Video journals have been a great thing for me recently. I've been as honest in those as I have in this written journal. And while I may visit this journal from time to time, I feel so happy to continue this journey via video.

I'd like to give a massive thank you for everyone who has taken the time over the years to leave comments on my journal and in my inbox while I've updated this journal. Also thank you to everyone who took the time to read my journal. I hope you managed to find some insight amongst my many ramblings!

Continue being yourself and enjoy life while it's here

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

Just watched your videos above. I appreciate your articulation about working with resistance along with your fearlessness in doing a video journal. Healthy light heartedness and spontaneity! Thanks for sharing.

Saw this and wanted to post so others could appreciate your talent.

 

Edited February 28, 2019 by Zigzag Idiot

[Salvijus]

Amazing. 

I can resonate a little bit with you since i like music and I often play guitar improvizations myself

Guitar improvizations gave me many life's lessons and insights about do many things in life. It played i big role in my development overall.

Nice work too bad there's so much content i cant read it all

What do you think of developing perfect pitch btw? Is it possible is it not possible? Just curious.

Edited February 28, 2019 by Salvijus

[Liam Johnson]

@Zigzag Idiot Thanks for the kind comments, I'm really glad you've taken something away from it  Truth be told, I've been having a difficult time since my last entry and have been very fearful about keeping up the journal as a result. But thanks so much for the support, I'm starting to feel better in myself and will start updating it again soon. Cheers!