Applying Theory To Everyday Life: A Musician's Perspective

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 284 | It Never Gets Easier

Theory: No matter how long you commit to the path of mastery, the work never gets easier. You just get better.

Applying it: Make the commitment to spend at least several years mastering something (or yourself!). Realise that it feels just as challenging by the end as it did at the beginning.

 

This applies completely to music mastery in my life but also self-actualization. I started this journal over a year ago now and it feels just as difficult to stay committed and overcome obstacles as it did back then. The only major difference that's taken place has been physical. The landscape of Liam's worldview has dramatically changed since making my first commitment to start taking self-actualization seriously. Healthier diet, improved fitness, heightened levels of musical mastery and the most positive psychology ever to exist within my mind.

But there's a pretty simple truth to explain: emotions still feel exactly the same. To be honest, they probably seem even more amplified as the meditation process has helped me fine tune them into awareness. Pain still hurts and discomfort lingers. Resistance still persists and hopelessness still feels like hopelessness.

It occurred to me just now that maybe I don't have to suffer from these emotions. They're just another part of being. There's no place you can run to avoid them, not even in the imagination. It's better to just let them appear and dissipate in their own time. But of course, it's hard to tell that to an Ego.

The point is that these emotions never change on the path to mastery. You just become more aware of them. And they will feel as solid as your arms and legs if you try to pretend they don't exist. It does feel difficult. Learning to play the guitar has not been easy and has never been easy. It might be the case that the basic principles of guitar playing come more naturally as you improve. But anyone passionate about mastery is aware of just how much further along the path you have to walk.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 285 | Resistance Is No Excuse

Theory: No matter how badly you think you've fucked up your day by procrastinating, stop using it as an excuse. Otherwise, you'll get nowhere.

Applying it: Get used to constantly putting yourself back on track. It's part of the process, and it is frustrating. But if you're patient enough to do it enough times, then the message will eventually sink in and you will be able to detach from your bad behaviours altogether.

 

So yesterday was a pretty kick-ass day. I managed to go through the entire day with full consciousness and determination. Nothing was gonna knock me off track. And I figured that the day after would probably see that being undone to a certain extent due to the Upper Limit Problem. And like a self-fulfilling prophecy, that's exactly what happened. But despite all the bad behaviours that I let myself indulge in for today, I managed to not let it kick me to the ground and stop working.

Today I managed to record my next YouTube video, edit it and schedule it to upload. It took several hours and I've only just finished but it was so worth it. It kind of makes up for everything "wrong" that I've done today. I realised that I'm usually one to evoke masculine compassion on myself too much when it comes to falling off track. I try to beat myself into shape and guilt-trip myself whenever things go wrong. But today, I managed to hold more feminine compassion. I gently encouraged myself that these flaws in myself will take time to remove so the best thing to do is to accept and move on.

This approach may have dawned on me when I realised that many of my heroes and role-models have very noticeable flaws if examined properly. Leo may be a little on the arrogant side for some. Michael Hedges may have been too experimental as a musician for others. Preston Reed might not really have that much of a charming personality. And sometimes, Brooke Castillo may prioritise her female audience over her male audience. But really, these are kinda extreme to be fair. Beyond those flaws, I see people who have inspired me deeply in one way or another. To me, they are perfect in what they do.

And so am I. My life may not be thoroughly transformed as of right now. But I love myself for aiming to get there on a daily basis. It provides self-reassurance when you realise that you've got your own back, even when it feels like nobody does. I'm still alive. That's more than enough to be loving of who and what I am.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 286 | Marking The Days

Theory: When you actually start counting the days you've lived and how meaningful each one of them was, you can better appreciate the staggering depth of our simple human lives.

Applying it: Commit to writing a journal about your day for at least 1 year. By the end of it, try and remember every single time you sat down to write and what it felt like. You'll be able to see just how far you've come in only 1 year.

 

Several of our family members met up at my grans house to catch up and spread Christmas cheer and the like. Gran visits our home almost every day because we're the closest to her. But getting to meet up with many of my cousins felt real heartwarming and also real awakening. It made me realise that so much time has passed between the last time we saw each other due to how we've all changed in relationship status, physical appearance, and other factors.

Then I remember thinking that even though I haven't seen these people all that often in my personal life, my life still felt very whole and fulfilling. Most likely, theirs has too. We've all grown so much this last year, some more brutally than others due to family deaths. And counting back all the days to when I first started this journal, it feels like an awful lot has changed and lots of growth has happened from my perspective. It never felt like time flew by. In fact, it felt like I got more out of this year than any other in the past.

Through counting each day, I made each day count. Missed ones aside, there is an awful lot to reflect on this year. It feels wonderful to make the choice to approach each day with as much consciousness and deliberateness as possible. It might not look like an awful lot has changed on the surface. But from within, the world appears in a completely new light. Emotions feel more powerful than ever and my determination to fulfil my life promise feels untouchable.

2018 is going to be an interesting year for sure. It feels like I've made quite a lot of big commitments in the last few months with relationships, life purpose and self-actualization. But this year has been the equivalent of dipping my toes in the pool to get used to the cold water. And in that realistic situation, it's far easier to just jump ahead into the pool and let the cold discomfort you than to lower yourself in slowly, prolonging the agony.

So that's the aim. Make like a swimmer and just dive in.

 

Pick of the day:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8CnhcGpmH9Y 

 

(no embedded preview sadly, but it's Anoushka Shankar playing Pancham Se Gara. ABSOLUTELY AMAZING)

Edited December 24, 2017 by Liam Johnson

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 287 | 22 Christmases Later

Might just give a reflection on how the days gone. The general theme is that today has been a very special day just like every other day. It's wonderful to feel so deeply happy with life at the moment. Especially given that there's still a lot of fear about what the future contains. But ultimately, it's gonna result in death. So there's really no point in worrying that it might happen because it will happen. So that's why it's best to just embrace the moment of being alive right now.

There were a good few times where I wished it were different though. My mum was stressed to buggery like normal and my dad decided not to buy her or anyone a present (though he may have put money to my own). It seems like the longer I stay here in this town, the worse things are going to get. Physical and mental forms deteriorating before my eyes. I love them both dearly. And I'm super grateful for everything they've done for me. But I feel like it's time to leave. Embark on a new adventure. Or at least, the adventure of my dreams. Or at the very least, the dreams of the muse.

The call to be a professional musician is growing stronger. And I'm trying for sure, but it's not enough. My efforts aren't enough. I could be doing so much more. Organising gigs, recording songs, getting a manager, gee I really don't know sometimes. It still crosses my mind regularly that there's a chance that it'll never work out. Nobody will ever dig it. And this is the kind of negativity I'm living with. Two parents who insist on being negative all of the time. It's not a healthy place to live anymore.

Damn, this started out as such a positive journal entry. The deep happiness must just relate to the joy of being alive in the present moment. As for the rest, maybe it's just resistance of the plateau. My performance videos received a pretty cool surge in success a few days ago. It would only be natural that things would simmer down again til the next time.

It could be so easy to reflect on my life circumstances right now and admit that it's looking like a shower of shit. And that it had no promise of ever reaching great places. But I'm beyond hopeful for the future. I'm laying down the foundations for that extraordinary life that I've been dreaming of for the last decade. Thanks to so much of the self-actualization work that I've done, I can actually hear my thoughts coaching myself to keep going! It's such a wonderful place to be at when you can finally say that the positive forces within you are strong enough to overcome the negative ones.

This last year has been a miracle for me in highly unique ways. It was real inspiring to hear that the markers who assessed my third-year recital at university thought I was worthy of an 87 based on my performance ability (anything above 85 is considered to be of "professional" standard). I was honoured to read out the farewell messages of my gran and her kids at my uncle's funeral. It was one of the most joyous moments of my life to "work" for a musical company at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival this year and meet so many wonderful, inspiring people. And also for one of those people to eventually become my partner.

Now I'm getting back into the Christmas spirit. It's not really about Jesus being born that we celebrate Christmas. The facts and details are unimportant. The important reason we celebrate Christmas is to be thankful for the miracle of life. Jesus happens to be at the heart of the Christmas story because he was a man whose life purpose was to promote that message: "love one another as I have loved you." No matter how evil, unfair, selfish, arrogant, ignorant, difficult and frustrating life may be, you find the strength to love it all anyway.

Here's to the adversities of 2018 and the miracles of forever.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Benjamin Jackson]

This was exactly what I needed to read!

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 288 | Taking The Plunge

Theory: The only real way to get started with the life of your dreams is to eliminate retreat as a possibility and just dive into it.

Applying it: Once you've got the emotional strength and wisdom to see the complexity of the situation, use it to muster the courage you need to follow your intuitions.

 

Probably don't know what shit I'm chatting at this point to be honest! It feels like so much talk sometimes and for what? To be left exactly where I lie. Staying at home this year was about one thing: to allow myself the freedom of figuring out what needs to happen for the rest of my life without having to feel the pressure of money or society. And it feels like that's been done on the inside. I did go through a good deal of turmoil emotionally and still am now and then. But it's all to be absolutely certain about how I can best spend this life. I had to be sure in myself and sure in how to achieve it.

It feels like at this point, I need to make plans for moving back to the city. Leeds or Sheffield would be amazing. The gifts I can offer are best suited to those in the city. No disrespect to my hometown but it's becoming a dead-end shithole if it wasn't already. Nobody here is interested in art. Cheap food, pubs, and takeaway restaurants are all the rage. Fine dining, music venues, or even cinemas are non-existent. So the city it is. Also, I'm confident in my choice of partner to move in together. We lived with each other on tour so that was a good enough indication of what it would be like.

The city is where I need to be. Busk on the streets of Ollerton and it's fair to expect nothing for it in return. Whereas in Sheffield, I know from prior experience that people will listen. The celebration of different cultures is what makes city life so inspiring. The only thing holding me here is my family. I love them dearly. It's going to be so difficult to move out. In a cruel way, I suppose it would be easier to make the decision if they were dead. But that's something I never will wish upon them.

The choice has to be made. I don't know how things will succeed, where the money is going to come from, who is going to want my services. But I need to take the plunge soon. 2018, to be exact.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 289 | Marching Along The Plateau

Theory: Most of your life will look exactly the same day in and day out. So just make sure you're doing the things you ultimately want to be doing and try to enjoy the process of doing them.

Applying it: Try to fill your time with something you genuinely want to be doing. Even if it's a lower-consciousness activity, there is something that your brain wants to get out of its system. Whatever form it takes, make it your goal to accomplish it within the day.

 

It really does feel like a lot of work for practically nothing in the end. I'm slowly chipping away at the next book on my agenda It's Not About The Money and I'm taking notes in my commonplace book. Because of this, it's taking even longer to go through the book because I'm having to stop and think about it (well in the sense that typing out quotes from the book is drilling the information into my subconscious mind). This makes it feel like a slog. A haul. It feels like it's never going to end. And especially because it feels like nothing much is changing on the surface.

But the plateau is the whole point of life. It's knowing that you're in a position to learn so much about the world and you're willing to do whatever it takes to do so. School was definitely a plateau for most of our lives. It wasn't like every single week or month, we were like "look how cool this week has been for my growth. I feel so much cleverer than I did back then." That's never how it worked. By the time the exam hits your desk, you feel as smart as you did at the beginning of the school year. But somehow, you get through it and succeed (in my case anyway).

It sometimes feels like this is all growth for nothing because there is no specific governing body patting me on the back and calling me a good little boy. If this were school, I feel like the one playing with the glitter in the corner as all the teachers actively ignore him to let him do his thing. It feels lonely because nobody is with me while I do this work. Nobody can be there for me for every step along the journey and, quite frankly, that would be patronising.

Like the kid playing with the glitter on his own, I feel like the work I'm doing is serving some higher purpose. It's against the grain of what society would have me do. Maybe slightly rebellious. Maybe egotistical. It doesn't matter. As long as I'm waking up with the desire to grow and learn about life, then nothing could ever be a dissatisfaction.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 290 | Reflection

So whatever the few weeks and months of emotional turmoil were about, it looks like I'm on the way to busting through it.

I tried making an accountability partner out of my actual partner when I told him about the idea. He was up for it and more than willing to help me fulfil my potential. So far, I've agreed to send him one recorded track per week for 12 weeks for the new album launch next year, and also to be sexually abstinent for a week. Suddenly, I've found myself waking up supercharged to give it everything today and the next day. I've managed to record both a YouTube video for next week and an album track to send off next week.

Perhaps it's even more inspiring to know that my partner seems to be just as passionate about me doing my work as I do. Even though it was my idea to begin with, it just seems to have provided that forward momentum I've been lacking for the past few months. It doesn't really bother me about an end-result or a fan-base to be honest. The process of doing this for my life is so exciting that it feels amazing that this could be the rest of my life. Never am I going to say "too good to be true" again because that's just not going to work.

Thinking 10 years down the line, I can see that the work that happens this year is going to set me up so well as I go into the 30s. It's strange to think that in a decade, my age will only just have made it into the 30s. It feels like I'm that old already, even though it's still pretty young. Suddenly, there's so much potential. Given how much growth has been possible this year, perhaps any dreams or wild fantasies I have about the next decade could actually become realised and surpassed. That's not even considering what life will be like in 20+ years.

In a word, my life feels responsible. There isn't that much unconscious behaviour in the day anymore. Almost everything is deliberate and more enjoyable. Would love to see how it unfolds.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 291 | Tragedy

Theory: In a society that wants to avoid tragedy at all costs, you can find it to be a beautiful thing.

Applying it: The next time you are personally affected by a tragedy in your life, do everything within your power to be embracing of it rather than in denial. By embracing tragedy, you acknowledge something beautiful from within.

 

No, murder is not beautiful. Neither is rape. Neither is slavery or racism or [insert here]. And no I haven't undergone any tragedy recently. But I was doing a values assessment exercise a moment ago and found myself putting tragedy on my list for one of the most meaningful things in my life. Think about it. If you were God and you could choose to live in a world where tragedy didn't exist, would you want to? Initially, yes. But think about what you're missing. You miss one of the most powerful, life-changing phenomena to ever be experienced in life.

It hurts so much on a personal level. But if you can reach a place where you are so accepting that you can step outside of yourself after a tragedy, then you can witness the beauty that it constantly brings. It makes people unite together. It makes individuals follow their calling. It provides the essential negative feedback that the human race needs to receive in order to grow. Tragedy is simply just a very big mistake or regret that you have in life. It's also relative. Not everybody in the world perceived the tragedy of 9/11 to be a tragedy at all.

And so what can happen from tragedy? Like any mistake, you can react against it and condemn yourself to the same mistake over and over again. Or you can recognise that it's just a mistake and it doesn't always have to happen this way. Tragedy can light the fire of passion in our hearts and get us to do extraordinary things. If it weren't for my relative tragedy of being mass rejected at school, the boy would not grow up to become the badass guitar player of his dreams.

To destroy the source of tragedy is to live in a shallow life of perfection.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Benjamin Jackson]

This is very meaningful - I believe that if it weren't for something 'tragic' recently in my life I'd never have understood how to search for proper peace and understanding of myself (and therefore others), I would have instead carried on covering up or ignoring my emotions or the other extreme, allowing them to totally take hold of me. In a way, tragedy has cured me from anxiety and while it's an unpleasant experience, it's changed my life for the better

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 292 | Illness Is No Excuse

Theory: If you're not too careful, you might start to use illness as an excuse to not put in any effort.

Applying it: Depending on the severity of the illness, decide whether it will cause as much of a hindrance as you think. If not, then go ahead and continue work as normal.

 

So I've come down with a nasty cough over the last 24 hours. It's pretty annoying at times, but I've been able to continue working through it. I managed to have an extremely good meditation session, finish editing a video for YouTube, and complete another task of the Life Purpose Course. Of course, I've not been overdoing it. There's a fine line between too much work and not enough.

But the thought occurred to me several times that instead of trying to work through it, I could just relax and have some time off. This is certainly important to let your body fix itself. The more stressed it is, the more the problems persist. So I've certainly took it easy today. But I've been able to also produce something productive with my time. Not all work is strenuous and tiresome. And some work (self-actualization, for example) is too important to just take the day off. It's an ongoing process.

It's certainly been a better way of dealing with the situation than to sit around moping about it. Also, trying to ignore a cough actually worsens the effect. Whenever I've tried to do this throughout the day, my neck tightened and I started coughing loads. It's much better to just relax and let your throat hurt.

So yeah, not much of a deep one today. Feeling very spaced out. Hopefully tomorrow will bring a fresher day.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 293 | ...Unless It's A Whopper

So I wasn't just ill. I got caught up with some nasty flu or infection that included coughing, snotting, shitting, vomiting, and feeling dizzy. The coughing is still really bad right now but I can at last feel well enough to continue with everyday life.

It's felt like one of the longest weeks in a long time. It's also been a bummer not being able to do any music and self-actualization work. It has given me a really pessimistic attitude towards getting back on track with this work and for it's future potential. It's gonna feel like an effort to try and be positive again after such a negative way to go into the New Year.

It feels like anything I set out to achieve is gonna get shit on at some point. Before this illness came around, everything started picking up really nicely. Recordings of music were going really smoothly and self-actualization work felt like it was starting to get somewhere. And then some part of my psyche thought it would be a wonderful idea to prevent any growth from happening by providing me with an illness to keep myself in check. It's not fair. And I wish it didn't have to be this way. But I've got to bust through it. No matter what.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 294 | It's Not About You

Theory: Life is never about you. It was never created to serve you. This way of thinking will create suffering for you.

Applying it: Remember that the mind and body are merely tools for the creative muses to work their magic in this life. They are not the source of you or even the temple of you.

 

I've just finished watching Leo's video on criticism. It was incredibly insightful as usual. It was also relevant to me since receiving some pretty brash criticism for a performance video I put out on YouTube. Some people made it very clear that the music wasn't for them, saying that it wasn't pleasant or enjoyable to listen to. It was very easy to take this personally. After all the hard work I had put into the piece, the video and the instrument, those comments can hurt if you allow it.

But then I became conscious of what was really happening and what was always happening. It wasn't the case that these people were criticising my music. They were criticising music. There's nothing personal about this music. The creative muses decided that this music should be created and found the perfect mind and body in the perfect time zone to make it happen.

The mind and body are merely the play things of the creative muses. They are the play dough from which shapes can be made. The lego from which structures can be built. The tools from which anything can be created. You don't see a hammer parading around pretending that it lives it's own life separate from the beings that use it as a tool. Neither should we go around pretending that our existence (our life) is anything but serving the creative muses. It's certainly not self-serving from an egoic perspective.

Remembering this helps to bring presence when it feels like suffering is the only option left. When it feels like the world doesn't care about us, the truth relieves us of the burden. The world doesn't care about us because the world is us. We are the world.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Benjamin Jackson]

Do you think criticism is better than apathy? For example, someone caring enough to say they didn't enjoy something rather than someone not being moved/arsed by it at all? 

[Liam Johnson]

@Benjamin Jackson It has to depend on the action you wish to take. If you want to motivate people or make them aware of something, then criticism can be a validation of a person's acknowledgement of it. This could be taken as a success. There's nothing fundamentally wrong with both criticism and apathy though, especially given that we all have the capacity for both.

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 295 | Self-Actualization Isn't All That

Theory: Raising consciousness and self-actualization may not have been one of my life's priorities after all.

Applying it: Be willing to accept the possibility that what you think is an authentic desire might not be truly yours.

 

So I've done another exercise trying to find my top values in life through the Life Purpose Course. And it occurred to me that self-actualization and consciousness/awareness might not necessarily be one of my biggest values. Could that be a terrible claim to make on such a forum? After so much self-actualization work, is it really plausible to think that I don't hold it in higher regard than I think I do? Sure as hell, I've really enjoyed this work. It has provided me with a sense of life purpose in and of itself. But the process itself might not be one of my top values.

There are some other candidates that I've discovered that feel more important to me at this point in time. For example, beauty. With every exercise I've done, this one always crops up. No doubt, it's because I can't help looking at this life and seeing its beauty all around. Even when things appear to be going shitty or even at all, the beauty of life is something that never fails to ground me. It brings such a deep love for life and for being that there is no way that beauty could be less important than self-actualization work for me.

This is a very unique and authentic viewpoint to have. Not everybody will look at it this way. For some people, the beauty of life comes from the self-actualization work that they do and, therefore, it becomes more important to them than the concept of beauty itself. Another one that cropped up for me a few times is adventure. Not necessarily the typical adventure that the movies depict. But I get plenty of adventure out of the performance of a single piece of music. It's like a miniature journey that you go on that explores the beauty of life even further.

That's why I'm starting to wonder if self-actualization may not be the most important thing in my life. Obviously, it's something I want to keep doing because of the tremendous good that it can bring. But sometimes it feels like it's taken over some of the authentic desires I've had to do other things. Maybe now is the first time I've had to come to terms with that.

 

Pick of the day:

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 296 | Every Time It's About Me

Theory: Every time I make life about myself, suffering happens.

Applying it: Recognise that the more egocentric your life becomes, the more you allow negativity and failure to creep inside it and the more suffering you create.

 

This is an observation I've made recently that seems incredibly obvious at a surface level. But the more I consider it on a deeper level, the more important this distinction becomes. Whenever it has felt like this life should be about fulfilling my needs, suffering has always found its way back into my psyche. It's such an easy point to overlook and I've done it many times. But never did I realise that perhaps the surest way to eliminate suffering in life is to make it about something other than myself.

After all, the explanations I could give about this point are enough to convince me on a logical level. The one who is most emotionally grounded is the one who is happy just the way he is and is instead focused on showing others the way. Being deeply happy with life on your own is the surest way to influence others to feel it too. If your life is spent fixing your petty problems, then life will provide you with an abundance of petty problems for you to fix. I could go on.

But it's really damn serious. The more life becomes about myself, the worse it gets. Entertaining myself becomes toxic, indulging in tasty (but unhealthy) foods does too. Focusing on the gratification that I could grant myself here and now is the lesson I keep stumbling on. In order to grow, I must be able to transcend these surface-level desires in order to grow into something more noble. That's a much harder journey to take. But it's one that must be done eventually so why wait?

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 297 | Work Ethic

Theory: One of the biggest lies you tell yourself is how much work you produce on a daily basis. Start seeing the truth that you could really be working a good deal more.

Applying it: Instead of trying to reach your work expectations, make it a daily habit to try and surpass them. Realise that it doesn't take as much "hard work" as you think it does to create work of value for others.

 

This journal entry is inspired by Brooke Castillo's work on the Life Coach School Podcast. She was the first public figure to inspire me with what is possible in terms of self-mastery. This woman is killing it with her business and, seemingly, her psychology. One of her recent episodes goes into how she has an amazing work ethic and how she always had it. It was such an inspiration to hear this tiny bit of info about her life. She admitted that she was brought up with a good degree of wealth and never really had to struggle with money. But nevertheless, she was passionate about working hard and putting in a gruelling day's work.

It served as a bit of a wake-up call for my own life. As a musician, I'd like to think that I've accomplished quite a lot of great stuff so far. My work ethic by the end of university was incredibly high. But ever since leaving the system and trying to get used to life under my own governance, work ethic has gone down a fair amount. The odd thing was that it felt like it never changed. The work that I produced seemed to have just as much effort going into it as before. But what was different? Where the effort was being channeled into.

I was channeling all of my efforts into sorting out my own psychology rather than producing something of value for others. And to a degree, that's still what is happening. But I'm starting to realise now that if I just channeled this energy into productive work that can actually create value, then the outcome might actually start to transform. That's the trouble with shoving all of your efforts on your psychology. It feels like you are suddenly burdening yourself with a far more difficult and responsible life than it actually needs to be.

If I just focus on producing maximum output for any single day that comes by, then it might start to benefit those around me after a while. That's ultimately what I want to be doing. My psychology is good enough for the job. It doesn't have to be perfect right now. What it is right now is an approximation. And that's good enough by anybody's standards.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 298 | Ready To Die?

It's been an interesting few days in a number of ways. While at times I was dazed and my mind was amazed, there were days where my gaze felt swayed.

...

...

...

Anyway!

All crazy and desperate rhyming aside, the last few days have largely felt like I've been growing back into my previous ways. My diet has slowly been filling up with too much junk food that I feel shameful for admitting to myself. Despite the odd productive day, my mind seems to want to revert to low-consciousness behaviours that I've long been accustomed to until recently such as playing video games, watching tv-type stuff on YouTube, etc. After spending part of the weekend with my boyfriend, I slowly figured out what was happening.

As I constantly strive to create a future self that feels extraordinary and amazing, I'm recognising on a deep level that this lifestyle actually is possible and maybe even probably for me. It's no longer feeling like a dream but an inevitability. That being said, I also have to sacrifice the one thing that I am right now in order to step up and be the better man, so to speak. My old ways have to die in order to let my authentic self manifest itself. But there's still some beliefs that what I am now is incredibly precious and needs to be protected. Sure it's not perfect but I love the person I was and the person I am.

But in order to keep growing, I have to be willing to let these things die. And the term 'dying' is deliberate. It honestly feels like submitting myself to the reaper. From the mindset that I've been embracing the last few days, this feels like such a terrible outcome. Yet with higher awareness, it seems like an effortless transition.

In fact, the concert that my boyfriend performed in was incredibly moving for me on a number of levels. First of all, he was performing in it so it felt good in that sense. Secondly, it was incredibly nostalgic to see certain faces from my university past also performing in the same concert. And finally, with Sheffield Cathedral as the venue, the music and atmosphere could not have been more powerful. All of the pieces were incredibly solemn. I had what felt like a death experience in that my sense of "this is my body" completely melted away. Everything felt like one.

In this position, death felt like the most natural thing in the world. We're dead already in a sense. It's just that we strive to keep believing that who we are now is something worthy of survival. It feels like now is the time where I must face these demons and sacrifice the one thing that I thought could never be untrue. It's so easy to convince yourself after all that death isn't going to happen. We expect to wake up in the morning. We say "see you soon" as a goodbye. We put off until tomorrow what we could be doing right now. But putting off the possibility of death like that just reinforces the lies.

This journey of music mastery once felt very self-centered. It felt like it was in my best interests for survival. But there's some godly force beyond myself that keeps getting me up each morning rather than letting this body and mind sleep forever. This journey of musical mastery was never my own. It was the decision of "God." Thy will be done.

These repulsive actions of the last few days have been my attempts to cling on to survival. The only way I can let these actions die is for myself to die with them. Then who knows? One day, this mind and body may wake up and live the life that they are supposed to live. The authentic life. The selfless life.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 299 | A Cozy Life

Theory: Living the cozy lifestyle gives you no incentive to strive for an extraordinary life.

Applying it: Be willing to throw yourself in at the deep end when it comes to overcoming challenges. But at the same time, recognise when you are out of your depth. Not all challenges can be accomplished right away.

 

So I just finished the day with a lovely heart-to-heart conversation with my mum. I told her how happy and grateful I was to be brought up in the way that I was and also how much I loved her. She told me that she was really happy with the person I have become. And I also told her my plans for later this year which involve moving to Sheffield with my boyfriend. She was incredibly supportive of the idea despite a small but niggling worry about money. She worries about how I'm going to earn the money to afford this. But I've got it figured out.

The way I get things done in life is by throwing myself into the necessary situation and figuring it out the hard way. For my final-year recital at university, I made the decision to learn the most virtuosic guitar pieces I could think of to perform on that fateful day and with lots of struggle and determination (as has been documented in my older entries of last year), I managed to kick ass with it in the end. I've realised that this is what I must do in order to start creating the autonomous life that I desire. I need to be in a situation where I'm paying the rent, bills and everything else.

The reason why I haven't been as active recently is simply because it's been incredibly cozy living at home. And don't get me wrong when I say that ultimately this is not the life that I'm aiming for. Living at home these last few months as I've slowly come to terms with life outside of formal education have been exactly what I needed. No bills to pay, no rent (because they own the house in full), nothing really to threaten my financial position apart from food. It's been a wonderful haven after 3 eventful years at university. But the fact that it's becoming cozy tells me that it's time to leave.

And it feels sad in a way that this may be me leaving for good to start and cultivate a life of my own. I may never be able to see my family as often in the future. But fortunately, Sheffield and home are the perfect distance apart. Close enough to visit home with no hassle but far enough away to feel like the beginning of the rest of my independent life.

There's nothing wrong with cozy. But as someone who thrives on challenge, it's a sign of complacency. It's a sign that I may lose all incentive when it comes to pursuing an extraordinary life. And although it will be sad to move out for good, the brand new chapter in my life will begin. And from that moment on, the creativity and the passion-fuelled hard work will intensify to the max.

 

Pick of the day: