Applying Theory To Everyday Life: A Musician's Perspective

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 140 | Reflection

Fuck me, this is wonderful stuff. My final-year recital is TOMORROW! I did consider missing today's journal entry so that the reflection post would be written after the performance. But it seemed logical to have a 'before and after' journal entry. So this constitutes "before."

As much as I've been making a big deal about it, there's a strange part of me that knows that this is nothing particularly special about this recital. I'd say I feel more grounded in the present moment, which doesn't feature any kind of recital at the moment. However, when the recital eventually does fall into the present moment, then I will consider it as special as it is.

I feel so glad to have worked my butt off with these pieces. To be honest, it's not about the grade anymore. What matters most to me is that eight months ago, I decided to perform a list of pieces that I considered to be of legendary difficulty. And now, I have reached a point whereby I can perform these pieces to an audience. My goal has been fulfilled. And as a result, I've got to be around 10x a better player now than I was back then. Not even technically, but more knowing that I genuinely can perform any piece of music I want to. There is no piece too difficult to me anymore. And that's fantastic!

As far as my anxiety levels go, I think I'm gonna be very calm and composed. Thanks to 4 gigs in a row this week, any anxieties have been flushed out of my system. Of course, there will always be some but it will never get in the way of my performing as it has been known to in the past. I'm so fucking excited for this!

Even in the rehearsal today, I had a whole hour to get used to the stage, the PA system, and even to perform my set from start to (almost) finish before a string snapped. But the whole vibe that I got from the room was that of confidence and reassurance that I have nothing to worry about. Even my guitar teacher came down and told me exactly the same thing.

I feel so joyful right now! My aim is to carry on that positive energy into the recital because that's the most important thing with performing anything. Some people might say that the most important thing is that you play the correct notes. But that's just one end of the spectrum. You have to find the balance between playing the right notes and playing with emotion or soul. It's this quality that carries through the most.

I'm eagerly anticipating this recital because deep down, I know that it's going to be the kickstart to my life purpose as a performing musician. I don't care what mark I get. It can be as low or as high as it wants to be. My focus is on the bigger picture. The force inside me that has remained a constant since my early teenage years: the desire to become a rockstar 

Wish me luck!

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 141 | Day of Celebration and Commemoration

In a word: overwhelm.

I'm debating about how long I should make this journal entry because there is so much to talk about. So much to uncover that isn't necessarily about the recital itself.

Okay, seeing as this is a very important day on a personal level, I'm gonna break the mold and just describe it as much as possible. The overall feeling about the recital is that it went pretty damn well. But there is a Yang to this Yin. My mum broke the news after the recital that my uncle had passed away this morning. Perhaps I'm going through some sort of emotional overwhelm at the moment, blending a mix of euphoria with sorrow to create a warm feeling of aliveness in my core.

First of all, I got some pretty limited sleep last night due to the excitement and anticipation for the recital! Even when I did sleep, I was dreaming concert dreams where I was waiting in the wings about to go on and perform. Through the whole morning and afternoon leading up to my recital, I tried my best to remain present and accepting of my emotions which didn't seem to weaken at all. I was on edge all day but in a twisted, pleasurable way.

The moment arrived. I set up everything on stage, sorted the lighting out, quickly sound-checked, and took one final deep breath before walking on stage to perform my third-year recital. Honestly, I have never felt so alive going on stage before. If it wasn't for all the disciplined mindfulness work I've been doing for the last half a year (wow), then I would have been plagued with anxiety. Fortunately, I managed to concoct a blend of anxiety and excitement which eventually came out in my performance.

As I played through my first piece, I was more on the nervous side. But as I smashed through each piece with very marginal mistakes, my feelings of confidence grew in heaps and bounds. Around three songs in, I reached a level of peak performance which felt godly. This isn't to big up an ego or anything but when you can transcend the human mind and body and completely connect with the music, there is no other word to describe that feeling apart from godly.

As the last song in my set (Somewhere Over The Rainbow arranged by Tommy Emmanuel) came to a conclusion, I managed to maintain silence in the room for a good 20-30 seconds before cueing the audience to begin their applause. That was the most magical feeling of the performance. I took my final bow and went backstage where I slowly began to absorb what had just happened. I still feel like that now!

A few music friends met me backstage with their compliments, which I try not to attach to. It's lovely that they felt the way they did and felt compelled to say the things they did, but I don't get any pride from that. If anything, the pride comes from myself in the knowledge that I gave it my all. And that was exactly what I did.

As I packed away, my mum broke the news about my uncle passing away earlier this morning. Admittedly, I've found that hard to process what with the ecstacy and relief of having made it through the recital. But at the same time, I've been making peace with the fact that he has been dying for months now and has been suffering with cancer for around 3 years. I knew it would be a matter of time before he passed on. So in that sense, I feel pretty grounded about it. Of course, it's heartbreaking for my cousins and the rest of my family and I will hopefully be able to share their grief in person when the funeral comes around.

After packing away and chatting a bit more with my music friends, I met my parents and gran in the cafe downstairs from the performance hall. They started giving me compliments and my mum told me what one of my friends had told her about my performance. At that point, I started crying tears of joy (for the recital) and also sadness (for my uncle). Honestly, I never thought it would be possible to house so many emotions in one being. But that moment hit me right in the feels.

That overwhelm of emotions has remained from that moment to this. There's nothing more I can add.

This has been such a special day in terms of feeling alive. Maybe even so far as blessed. Eight months of sheer determination later, here I am. On the other side of my visualization. And fucking hell, it was beautiful. Man I'm gonna sleep good tonight!

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 142 | A New Day

Theory: It can feel liberating to wake up every morning as if it were unconnected from the previous day.

Applying it: After realizing that the past is nothing but a conceptualization in the present moment, accept that truth as you rise in the morning.

 

I slept very well last night! The wonderful sense of accomplishment that arisen yesterday had a subtle effect on my mood as I slowly woke up this morning. But no matter what yesterday brought, there's a part of me that recognizes that it is nothing but a story. The anxieties, the tears, the ups, the downs, and everything else about yesterday only exist as a memory or a conceptualisation. They have no physical place in the present moment on an external level.

Despite the detachment from yesterday, that doesn't suddenly make me feel depressed or relieved. It just is what it is. There's no point pretending that what happened yesterday is of major importance of what is right now. Also, that doesn't mean that I've just eliminated it from my mind. The memory of it all is still welcomed but it is not mistaken for an absolute truth. As a result, it brings with it the peace and calm of a sweet bedtime story.

The memory of that day will have great personal significance, however. That day marked the end of my journey as a simple university student and marked the beginning of a thriving career as a professional musician. Suddenly, I feel like I know what the future holds for me. There is no uncertainty anymore. My life purpose is more definite now than ever before. I can do this. Not only that, I'm going to do this no matter what.

 

Pick of the day:

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 143 | Composing Music

Theory: Music composition is a fusion between theoretical knowledge and imaginative ability. In essence, theory and practice.

Applying it: Make sure you have sufficient capacity for both of these things in your mind. If one area lacks, cultivate it through whatever means that are necessary.

 

So I've recently joined a promising website that allows you to become a tutor. And of course, I've gone the old guitar tutor route. But also, I'm offering myself up as a music coach. Hopefully that way, I'll be able to put some of my self-actualization knowledge to good use. But one of the things that I'm gonna need to learn how to explain is how to compose music. This is something that I've become so familiar with that it happens automatically. So now, I need to become aware of all of the factors that go into my compositions to be able to share it with others. So here we go!

The first thing that you will need is good understanding of music theory. In particular, the music theory that associates with the genre of music that you want to compose. For example, it is common knowledge that pop songs consist of around 2-3 verses with choruses in between. They also feature simple chord progressions, memorable melodic lines, triadic harmonies, 4/4 time signature, etc. In comparison to jazz pieces, these can feature complex chord progressions, swung tempos, long improvised solos, etc. You need to be able to internalise these surface-level characteristics so that when someone says "what does jazz sound like?", you can describe or play it.

Once you have a good understanding of music theory, the next thing you need is to be able to "hear" that kind of music internally. I use "hear" to emphasise what your mind hears, not your ear. So like I mentioned before, you need to be able to "hear" a standardised jazz song in your head. To start with, it might help to listen to lots of jazz pieces aurally. Then when you stop the music, you should be able to mentally reconstruct those sounds with your imagination.

At this point, you begin to develop a relationship with the music because you understand it on an external level and you "hear" it on an internal level. What you then need to do is "listen" to the music in your mind (which only exists in your imagination) and then attempt to reproduce it in the external world.

That is an extremely condensed version of how I end up composing music. But obviously, it's a subject that needs more words that can fit on a pamphlet. But that's the gist. If it doesn't make sense, appreciate that this is a vague overview of what happens, not a step-by-step formula.

 

Pick of the day:

(7:09) 

Edited May 17, 2017 by Liam Johnson

[JKG]

@Liam Johnson Can I find some of your music online?

[Liam Johnson]

@JKG Of course, my website is www.liamjohnsonmusic.com 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 144 | EP Release

So today was the launch of a 7-track EP entitled "No Pressure." I've spent the whole of today getting the photo shoot for the album cover together along with uploading all the finished tracks. It's a long process when your laptop is old as fuck! But finally, it's here.

It's generally not good practice to rush a job such as an EP. However, it had to be done for my mate's university deadline (this was part of his work). That's why I christened the EP "No Pressure" in the first place.

As I'm rather tired now, I'm just gonna plug it here  I'm very happy with the final product and it's my pleasure to share it with you all. It not only features some of my own guitar pieces, but also guest appearances from the Folk Fusion Trio who have been good pals at university.

Do have a listen, and maybe even download it for free!

 

Click here to listen to the EP

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 145 | Spending Money

Theory: It's not always a bad thing. When you invest money in something that's going to be worthwhile for your personal growth, it's SO worth it.

Applying it: Stop worrying about not having enough money. Develop your relationship with it so that you are spending it predominantly on things that will be worthwhile to your future.

 

Okay, look. I'm not that old that I've been in a money-making career. I've yet to face the worries concerning taxes, mortgages, paying off university debts, and so on. All I'm offering here is my perspective on how spending money wisely can be a positive influence on your personal growth. It certainly has been for me so far.

So given the paychecks and scholarships I have received so far, I've made sure that the money was spent wisely on something that would have a positive effect on my music career. The best investments I've made so far include a professional-standard acoustic guitar and amplifier, music videos, my website, and most recently a high-quality webcam. Although my parents have been adding their own money to my bank account, I've made sure that these investments were the product of my own earnings.

As I'm not one to go out to clubs and drink alcohol, I consider myself to be fairly sensible with money. Many students that I've lived with have spent lots of money on nights out (one of them got so pissed up on a night out at Leeds that he paid £300 for an Uber to Sheffield.) In comparison to them, I hardly spent money at all. But when I do, it's mostly for a good cause.

My most recent purchase/investment was for a high-quality webcam with the intention of using it for live streaming. Live videos are becoming increasingly more popular these days so I figured it would be cool to set up a platform for myself to do live-streamed "concerts" and performances. It might also come in handy teaching students over Skype. Although I realise now that it is no replacement for a high-quality video camera for more professional looking videos, it's still going to be a valuable piece of kit. Why? Because I'm going to make it so.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 146 | World Peace

Theory: By treating world peace as an attainable object, one makes it impossible to acquire.

Applying it: To obtain any peace of mind whatsoever, the healthiest course of action would be to stop neurotically seeking for it.

 

I was just in the middle of a meditation session when I received a powerful vision out of nowhere. It's a vision that makes me wish I had good art skills because it contains a strong and truthful message. It's not as if I asked for this vision, nor was I particularly looking for it. But it's about a topic that seems relevant in this world today: world peace. The vision was as follows.

It came to me in a black and white, stencil, cartoony universe. In the middle was a large trophy or monument of the Earth with the words "world peace" written on its banner. The trophy was just resting on the ground, motionless. But around it, there were the national armies around the world locked in a battle to obtain the trophy. They came from all sides and were shooting each other in the crossfire. It looked like they were all fighting each other with the goal of obtaining the world peace trophy.

That was the vision. Examining its meaning, it seems to describe the current situation given that there are still wars and terrorist attacks happening. First of all, it must be argued that the trophy of "world peace" is not true world peace. Its appearance as a trophy would mean that it could be attainable. In other words, if one army managed to obtain it, then nobody else could. In reality, world peace cannot be awarded to the best army by means of a trophy. The trophy represents the idealised interpretation of what world peace should be (which derives from personal opinion).

Secondly, the depiction of the armies fighting each other for the trophy contains some depth. Their motives are exactly the same: to attain world peace. But as a result of their neurotic desperation to "obtain" it, they end up killing each other in the crossfire. On the deepest level, it has nothing to do with hating the enemy or even having an enemy. The conflict arrives from their own neurosis which is based upon a set of belief systems about what world peace is meant to be, which is represented wholly by the trophy.

Finally, it presents two certified ways of bringing about true world peace. One constructive and one destructive. Either the armies could continue their neurotic patterns until everyone died in the crossfire. This would bring about human extinction which would certainly make for a world free of human egotism. The other way would be for all armies to recognise that what they are fighting for is, in fact, an illusion. It's not true world peace. The trophy can never substitute for the real thing. In that case, they would all turn around and leave the trophy sitting there. Therefore, by dropping the desire to obtain it, they have counterintuitively created it.

This vision felt too powerful to be forgotten so I had to write it down as fast as I could. If anyone happens to know an artist who would be willing to draw such a concept, then do get them on the job. I would do it myself but that would take years of learning how to become a great artist. But it feels too urgent to wait that long. It had to be shared now.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 147 | Catching Up

Things have been very busy the last few days. Probably best to just write about them. It's not been the best few days for personal growth but they've still been significant.

First, I handed in my last load of deadlines for university EVER. Sadly, one of them was a day late which means that it'll receive a mark deduction. But to be honest, I've reached a point now where I'm certain that I never want to write another academic essay again in my life. Some people love them, but I just don't enjoy the process at all. So in that respect, I'm not bothered about it. Full-time musicians don't have to write dull essays if they don't want to.

Secondly, I've been preparing for some wedding gigs with a professional band called Electric Idols. My guitar teacher kindly put my name forward to them when they were seeking a dep guitarist and I'm thrilled to be asked to perform. It's not necessarily my goal in life to make a full career out of it but it's great experience and good pay for what it is (£170 per night). Seemed like I made a good first impression at any rate.

Thirdly, it's my uncle's funeral tomorrow. It hasn't hit me properly yet that he's gone now but tomorrow will probably do it. I was surprised and humbled when his siblings (my mum, auntie, and two uncles) had approached me to read some words on their behalf, to which I accepted. This is going to be a new experience for me. I can't fathom what it's going to be like standing in front of all of his friends and family, with his body in the coffin, and delivering words filled with grief, sorrow, and deep love.

To finish up on an upbeat note (or a syncopated note, for musicians), might as well mention some personal growth work I've been introducing slowly. And that is cleaning up my diet. I'm currently reading "The Immune System Recovery Plan" and discovering lots of things about nutrition. I've never been diagnosed with an auto-immune disease or anything serious. But I still have a little trouble with acne, belching, and the tendency to overeat certain foods. I've only tried two of the recipes so far but they are both bloody gorgeous, not to mention energising.

The last few days have been pretty hectic and stressful. But underneath it all, I feel good and that's what matters.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 148 | Funerals

Theory: You will never be able to experience empathetic grief and sorrow on such a powerful scale than you can at the funeral of a loved one.

Applying it: Forget the bullshitty social conditioning that tells you to "man up." If you want to cry, let it out authentically and feel the bittersweet joy of sharing that with others.

 

Had an emotional day planting my uncle today. There were so many hundreds of people to attend the funeral that the doors of the crematorium were overflowing during the service. If that didn't hit me hard enough, the final blow to my heart which started the tears was watching my cousins (his daughters) carrying the coffin. I had to control my emotions the best I could in the lead-up to my reading, which was written by his mum and siblings. Somehow, I kept it together and read the messages without succumbing to the pain.

As soon as I sat down, however, I let the tears flow. And what a wonderful feeling it was. Sure I was sad as hell that my uncle had died, hence the tears in the first place. But from a higher perspective, it was a joy to feel the tears roll down my face. It informed me just how much the guy meant to me. Not only that, but it filled me with empathy for everyone else there. Especially those closer to him than myself.

Once I'd let the tears out and embraced them, the suffering disappeared. The sadness will always remain but in a way that won't bring psychological pain. All because I embraced the grief without giving a damn about my appearance as a man. And to be honest, that's how I live my whole life now. It never used to be this way before I became introduced to personal development. I mean let's face it. If you're a man trying to uphold this self-image of being a tough guy and stone cold with your emotions, you're only creating more suffering for yourself. Be authentic and cry if you want to.

Hell if I feel like this today, it's going to be one hell of an experience when my own folks pop their clogs. I'm going to cry so hard and it will be wonderful at the same time.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 149 | Escape The Herd

Theory: It's ridiculously easy to lose yourself in "herd mentality" when it comes to every facet in life.

Applying it: Don't be afraid to challenge the social understanding of what's "normal." If it feels right for you, just go with it.

 

I'm going to do two entries today to catch up on lost time. It's been a frantic few days but in the best possible way. Over the last two days, I have been performing with a wedding band for weddings in Cheshire and Harrogate, each of which pretty far from where I'm staying in Sheffield. A few things about the job got me thinking how this isn't your everyday 9-to-5 job. Although it's still long and late hours, it's been a lot of fun.

After the first wedding, I got home around 3am which completely through off my sleeping pattern. At some point, I recognised that I had this conditioning that it was somehow bad to sleep until midday the next day. It probably came from school where teachers and adults would constantly frown upon teenagers who stayed in bed so long. So it seems that I had developed this 'herd mentality' about how it's better to get up bright and early. But with the way I was feeling at 3am, there was no chance I would be setting my alarm for 7!

The same thing happened with the concept of napping. I picked up this belief from somewhere that you should never nap because it's not "normal." But after having a kip on the way to the second wedding (the band manager drove), I felt so much better. In fact, I was pretty wide awake by 3am when I got home once again. Even the very idea of joining a wedding band for paid work is an idea outside of general herd mentality, so I thought "why should I worry about keeping this social conditioning if it doesn't serve me?"

Granted, some social conditioning is actually beneficial. For example, it's much nicer to live in a city/town/village populated by other humans rather than living in a jungle on your own. But sometimes, the herd mentality isn't the best way to go. It's a "one size fits all" mentality, meaning that it can never fit your unique needs. So don't be a sucker to it!

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 150 | Reflection - 21st Birthday Special

Yesterday, I hit the milestone. I can now legally have a drink in the USA! Shame that I don't really like alcohol and have never been to the US.

This last week has been so overwhelming. A coursework deadline, a funeral, two weddings, and a happy birthday to me. It feels like an eternity has gone by and I'm quite ready for a chill few days. Emotions have been all over the place and, regrettably, I've not given myself much time for meditation and self-actualization work. Now things are slowly winding down, it's time to make it a staple of my daily routine once again. That's the trouble with the life of a musician: work consistency is a commodity!

I should probably talk about my view on being 21 because my outlook on birthdays isn't the same as many others. Birthdays have always felt like just another day to me, and this is no exception. I never really feel like celebrating it with a party. However, it's always a pleasure to see just how much those around you care for you.

As with every birthday, it seems hard to believe that I'm officially a year older. But you could argue that age in itself is just a belief. And so the next few days and weeks, my brain will become conditioned to believe that Liam is 21 years old even if the ultimate truth says otherwise. Every single atom that holds this body together is far older than 21 Earth years. Also, the past is inaccessible now because it exists only as a mental construct. So who's to say that this body has been together for 21 years? Science has proven that every 5-10 years, your body is physically 100% different to what it was before.

So yeah, it's a funny one! But all I can say for now is that it feels good to still be alive and experiencing this world. Long may it continue.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 151 | Psychedelic Dream Report

Last night, I experienced a dream like no other. Although I've never taken drugs or psychedelics in my life, it seems as though I "tripped" in my dream last night in a monumental way. The specific meaning behind this dream remains a mystery for the time being as I'm bewildered by it completely.

A good 95% of the dream was humanistic and believable in many ways. It was a hot day and I was chilling in the entrance to some sort of temple or old building with members of the Indian music ensemble. Although most dreams give the illusion of appearing realistic, this one felt unparalleled in that remark. The gorgeous heat of the sun beaming down on my skin, the appearance of my musician friends, the passage of time, even my state of consciousness within the dream felt completely real. My thoughts and emotions felt identical to what they do now. As far as I was concerned, it was real life with no question about it.

Much of the dream occurred in this scenario, which felt really good but perhaps not as noteworthy as what happened right at the end of the dream. Remembering that it was a hot day with no clouds in the sky, I felt a spot of rain hit my skin. And then another. The sky began to darken and as I looked up, I saw the ash clouds of a gigantic explosion and a turquoise nebula shining through. I slowly came to realise that it must have been a meteor or something similar hitting the Earth, meaning the end of the world.

As I spoke words along the lines of "is the world going to end?", time began to slow down before I managed to finish the sentence. The people around me, including myself, began to fall to the ground. The sound of my voice distorted like a record being slowed down. The colour schemes transformed from normal "everyday" colours to highly saturated, intense colours. My thoughts and emotions began to revolve around fear and terror. Instead of hitting the ground, I seemed to fall through it. The entire scenario, now in bright luminescent colours, began to zoom out of perspective until nothingness remained.

My thoughts and emotions became the equivalent of that of a dying person. Once wrestling with life, now just peacefully letting it go. Remember that it felt like real life to me. It genuinely felt like death had finally come. All that remained of the nothingness was just pure awareness. It remained for a few more seconds before I "woke up" in bed to discover that it was all a dream. I checked my watch and I had only been asleep for 3 hours in all of that time.

The most intriguing thing about this dream for me is the maintained awareness from the dream world to the awakened world. It left a great big question in my mind that can't be shaken off: what if I'm still dreaming? What if the dream never ended? I was so certain that the dream world was reality. Just like I have been so sure all of my life that the waking world is real. Now I really don't know.

One thing is for sure: that was the most beautiful experience I can remember.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 152 | Don't Be Ashamed

Theory: When it comes to pursuing your life purpose, don't feel bad about taking the necessary action if it goes against social expectations.

Applying it: Always keep in mind the ultimate goal you have for yourself and never believe for a minute that you are taking selfish action.

 

Since my university work has (almost) been wrapped up for good, the time has come to finally take action on my life purpose FULL TIME. It's such a daunting prospect, but also incredibly exciting. However, during my time at university, I've accumulated certain conditioning that tells me that what I need to be doing is getting a full-time job. To tell the truth, I really don't want any old job. My purpose in this world is to create and perform music. I've been certain of it since my teenage years and I'm constantly reminded of it every time I perform. The joy on people's faces when I take the stage is something worth living and dying for.

But there's something I can't quite get my head around. My "work hours" should logically be spent playing the guitar/creating new music. And yet, this feels like playtime for me, not work. And as a result, I somehow feel ashamed that I'm not working hard on an internal level (even though that may never be the case from an observer). If university has provided me with any conditioning, it's that you must suffer emotionally to get a good job done. But I remember from watching some of Leo's life purpose videos that suffering needs never be a part of work.

And so my job now is to fight the conditioning and actually allow myself the luxury of being with the guitar for hours and hours every single day. Nothing would satisfy my creative muse more. It all becomes so worth it to see the faces of my audience light up with awe at the music I play (I've been playing long enough now to stop being modest and accept that I do a pretty good job most of the time). It not only puts joy in others, but it has provided me with fulfillment on an incredibly deep level.

It's time to stop being ashamed for spending hours each day playing the guitar within the comfort of my home. I forget that for some people, that would seem like a monster task. But for me, I can't think of a better luxury nor a better way of rendering high-quality service to others. The height of my fulfillment will come when someone comes up to me and tells me that I've inspired them to live in accordance with their Zone of Genius. Then I will have truly passed on the baton of success and fortune that I've acquired from my own heroes.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 153 | Break-Ups

Theory: To truly move on from a break-up, you must prove to yourself that you can live without any remnants of the other person in your life.

Applying it: If the memory of the other person hurts too much, remove them from your social media feeds, hide photographs, and eliminate anything that might trigger those painful thoughts. And most of all, don't feel bad about it.

 

I don't think I've ever talked about my first girlfriend that much on this journal. We had such a great relationship from start to finish. We were young 16-year-olds when I asked her to be my girlfriend at the Year 11 ball. We were together for 2 years before she permanently moved to Canada in 2014. As cheesy as it sounds, her presence in my life gave me purpose. During that relationship, I transformed from a depressed, socially-phobic hermit into a more outgoing and loving person. She was my rock for two years. But as with all things, the relationship had to come to an end. In our case, involuntarily.

The first year since we parted ways was incredibly difficult. Given it was also my first year at university, I struggled to maintain the confidence I had when I was in the relationship. On top of that, I was really upset that I would potentially never see her again. And to add salt to the wound, she felt the same way. However, I slowly started getting into personal development and self-actualization around this time as a means of procuring confidence once again. Later on in that year, I felt it necessary to unfollow/block her on Facebook because the memory of her was causing me so much pain. It was preventing me from moving on.

Since I made this move, my ability to move on from the relationship has developed completely. I don't find myself thinking about her very much but when I do, it comes from a place of love rather than pain. I've become independently strong and confident in myself as a result. A friend of hers messaged me this morning with a 'final farewell' message from her, indicating that she wants to cut all ties with me for the same reason: the memory of me is still causing her pain to this day. To which I'm glad that she's following the same course of action to 'let go' and become independently happy as I have done before.

I still love her even though we won't be together again as a unit. But that's why I'm happy that she's taking action to become happier and more accepting of the situation. It's both sweet and tragic that she's still missed me terribly after all this time. But I hope that she can let go of what could have been a long, happy relationship together. And when she does, I'll be waiting to welcome her back as a long lost friend if she ever feels like catching up in 10+ years. But I know not to depend on it, and I've made peace with it. She's on the path to happiness now, and that is an encouraging thought.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 154 | Consciously Marking Time

Theory: Perhaps the best way to remind yourself not to procrastinate is to find a way of representing the amount of conscious hours spent (i.e. time spent deliberately on goals, life purpose, career, etc)

Applying it: Use data representation to mark off how much time you've spent consciously versus unconsciously (procrastinating, slacking).

 

This is a new idea I'm trying out. Over the last few months, my schedule has been very lackluster. It's not been as set in stone as it once has been. Part of the problem for me is to do with memory. As I wake up every day as if it were fresh and new, I tend to forget about the promises I made yesterday. I need a way of reminding myself to keep on the ball, and now I think I've figured out how to do it.

Quite simply, what I need to do is schedule my conscious hours on my calendar AND tick them off when, and only when, they've been completed. If I miss it altogether, I mark it off as a fail. To do this, I'm going to create a spreadsheet to log the data and have it represented in a pie chart or something similar. That way, I can look at the chart and see on first glance how aligned I am with my calendar and goals.

The problem that I've found with scheduling goals on calendars is that there is no way of getting the calendar app to check off events as 'completed.' As a result, I've completely ignored some of the automated goals and events that were previously on the calendar. By providing the threat of visual data for complete and incomplete goals, my ego will feel more inclined to cooperate rather than ignore or fight. This idea is fresh today and still needs proving. But I'm pretty confident that this is the kick in the backside I need. I may even take snapshots of the charts for each reflection post just to encourage myself to keep going with it.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 155 | End of University Report

Today, I performed in my last exam for university EVER. It was a traditional music performance where I performed some self-composed Irish tunes with my buddy who plays tin whistle. Overall, it went pretty darn well. It felt like a jam, to be honest!

As a means of celebration, we performed a spontaneous parade through the departmental building playing In Dulce Jubilo and I bought some brownies to share with whoever I was with that day (may have naughtily eat too many!) After that, I got back home and preceded to go about creating some new music on the acoustic guitar and also with Pure Data (programming software) combined with the tabla and electric guitar.

I cannot express my excitement for the years to come. This year especially, I'm going to be staying with my parents from the 1st July for good, meaning that I get to love them and enjoy watching my dog growing up! My year is going to consist of writing new music and getting the gigs in. There's no other work in life I'd rather be doing.

I feel really tired after today: it was an early morning for me after so many later mornings. Hopefully will be feeling more awake tomorrow to write about stuff.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 156 | Escaping Reality

Theory: Most of us receive pleasure from states of mind that allow us to escape from our bodies and normal lives. But not all of these pleasures are the most constructive.

Applying it: Recognize that things like watching TV, playing video games, scrolling through Facebook, etc. are all ways in which you try and escape from the now. Aim to reduce these activities as much as possible in order to discover more constructive ways of receiving this pleasure.

 

As a musician, I get very passionate about performing music. It's one of the ways in which this reality-escaping phenomenon occurs for me. As I perform music of any kind, no longer am I trapped in the physical body of Liam. I immerse myself fully with the music so much that it fills my field of awareness and I become the music. It's not poetry. It's just a highly-constructive way of receiving the pleasure that comes out of watching a film, reading a book, etc. The main difference is that I gain something tangible from it: mastery of the guitar/instrument.

If I were to put in the same amount of hours receiving the exact same pleasures from TV, the internet, and other low-consciousness entertainment platforms, my life would look drastically different. Dare I say it, I would probably have ended up like any other mediocre person. My life would have no purpose, it would be absent of peak-experiences, and I would have been wallowing in my depression from my teenage years right the way through until adulthood.

It's therefore important to understand and implement the ideology that high-consciousness activities (such as sports, music, art, or any field of study/work that fills you with wonder and excitement) can provide you with so much more than the shallow-level pleasure that comes from low-consciousness activities. They provide you with purpose, peak-experiences, happiness, and maybe even enlightenment.

It pays not to be lazy and fall for the low-consciousness stuff, which is tricky because it's so addictive. But to transcend that level of consciousness and find something worth living for is the ultimate victory we can hope for.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 157 | Ownership

Theory: Multiple benefits can come when you consciously decide to take ownership for something.

Applying it: Expand your consciousness to take ownership everything in your life, from materialistic possessions to your emotional well-being.

 

This was just going to be a simple little post about how borrowing a book from the university library has been worse than actually owning the book myself. It turns out that ownership applies not only to the material world but also to your emotions and spiritual well-being. Through the analogy of the library book, I might be able to summarize the effects of taking ownership of any and every aspect of life.

The main reason why it's taken me so long to finish reading Towards A Psychology Of Being has absolutely nothing to do with the content in the book. It has everything to do with the fact that I borrowed the book. It's not a book that I own; I paid no money to get this book (unless you want to take into account tuition fees). As a result, my attitude towards reading the book has been sloppy and laid-back. I read the book when I felt like it and with only 3 more days left as being a registered student, it's getting time to hand the book back to the library. Thankfully, I have enough time to finish reading the book, which will be my goal for the next few days.

Incidentally, I made the most of the wonderful 'student discount' to purchase a MacBook Pro today (turns out that it wasn't a fleeting fancy and it was more of an intuitive desire). That bad boy wasn't cheap but as a student, I was able to receive several bonus software programs as well as the discount. But the most important part of the purchase was that I paid everything up-front. I declined the option to pay £100 per month because I knew that it would be emotionally easier to own it as a debt-free possession. By making such a huge investment for my career, there's no way that I'll treat it like I did with that library book. I paid the money. I hurt my bank balance. So I've got to make it worthwhile!

And that mindset is going to make my work so much easier. If I were playing cheap, there would be a whole level of motivation missing from my life. Now, there's almost an underlying pressure to make it worthwhile but not so much as to create neurosis (hopefully!). As for emotional well-being, similar investments can be made. For example, this could include purchasing books, taking courses, going on retreats, taking time out to visit friends and family, and other things.

Whatever you decide to do with your life, make sure that you own it. Although, it's best to drop the materialistic desire to own everything!

 

Pick of the day: