Wild Realization Fear Runs My Life

[Gabriel Antonio]

I have just realized how SDS is the way to go to totally transform my life. I have noticed that fear is pervasive in my life, and I can’t take this anymore. I have noticed how every advice I hear I take it to heart without questioning it, always with a fear that I will screw things up. And I end up doing actually. I lose focus very easily because of this fear. But somehow I feel like my higher self is presenting itself. But at the same time, I am also aware that I can look a bit neurotic from an outsider point of view, namely because my mother actually, society in general forces us to be normal, to be a good person otherwise they will get worried with you. This is a cliché, yes, but it is fucking true.

I feel my stomach chakra is opening. I have got loads of willpower, and my shame is vanishing. But at the same time, I don’t know what to do when the shame comes back again. Because I know it will. It always does. I can't stand being so insecure and be a bitch to the world. I need help. Feel free to judge me as being neurotic, because in my head I am the most neurotic person in the planet.

I was thinking of changing my meditation habit from 4 hours of do nothing to 2 hours of SDS and 2 hours of Shikatanza. I have to be aware that my do nothing meditation is what brought me here, so I can’t dismiss it. At the same time I can’t live the way I am. The standard is just too damn low. I have got to change something. Fast. I am tired of being afraid of feeling any discomfort whatsoever. I know that I will have to confront my fear. And if I am not 100% courageous, I will fail. That's scary. I fear of going mad...

Maybe I can just relax. I have just released a lot of emotional baggage in this one meditation session. So I can practice relaxation now. But, hell, I don't even know how to relax properly without falling into those stupid addictions I have.

._.

[Gabriel Antonio]

Btw, today I also practiced for the first time Osho's dynamic meditation. Maybe I could incorporate that into my routine... I don't know how well it would turn out. It was really challenging yet it felt nice.

So instead of 4 hours of do nothing, maybe I can do:

1 hour - dynamic meditation

2 hour - sds

1 hour - shikatanza

what do you guys think? I can try for a week and see how it goes. I don't know, I am second guessing myself, because I like to focus on just one technique. But maybe I gotta change things around. Maybe today was a hit of consciousness that told me what I need to change in my practice. I realize that I have got super extra energy today, so I can't really expect this to happen every single day. In other words, I have to strategize in a way that I can still get something out of today, while being able to be consistent.

I can't expect to act so perfectly like I did today. I know that my ego is already taking control of everything again. So I have to plan to fight it consistently. Make progress every single day. That's the key here... because consistent is more important than perfection. Right?

It's so crazy to see how fucked up your life really is when you get those moments of freedom. But then you gotta come back and deal with the every day shit that's around. All the pervasive stupidity and distractions. Fear is so sneaky...

 

[Gabriel Antonio]

"You're only insecure because you can't stand it. You CAN stand it, actually. So stand it. Break the cycle."

Yes!!! I love what you said here!!! Thanks a lot!!!