My subconscious brings up everything that isn't properly digested.

[Endangered-EGO]

I noticed how much I suppress everything that wants to show up. Multiple times a day some thing I notice triggers a reaction, and if it's an aversion I try to let that specific thought carry me away.

Holy shit: I just sat for an hour and remembered smells, feelings, conditioned patterns from my childhood. Also hidden feelings. It seems like my heart is going backwards in time, and let's me feel every pain one by one, now that it's able to digest it.

I knew I suppressed stuff, but damn: shame, guilt, sadness, despair.

Now I know why I felt like a robot for so long. A robot in a hostile universe.

I realise that the mind needs effort to constantly keep things suppressed, but it cannot let all of it go at once, because I don't have enough working memory.

I might be bullshitting myself, but it seems like the egomind did everything it could to not face the shit that comes up. 

I understand why people kill themselves or seek enlightenment. It's precisely because it doesn't want certain feelings, and is ready to do anything, no matter how irrational to keep those things buried deep. Even if it means burying more things and threatening to end it's own existence.

Isn't it crazy how the mind trying to solve a problem BECOMES the problem.

 

Damn I'm gonna be a good psychologist.

[peanutspathtotruth]

This is where the work gets tough and where a lot of spiritual bypassing is happening. You're falling into the right direction  This is true shadow work. I'm in the middle of it myself, it's getting more intense the more I invest in spiritual practices. 

A recommendation: Never ever EVER forget that nothing inside you is wrong, unlovable, undesirable, guilty, shameful, ugly etc. This is a belief I had to crack recently - the only way to heal and unite every little fractured part of you is to see clearly what they are. They are perfectly lovable, but haven't been reassured. They are perfectly desirable, but have been made insecure by others' rejection. They are perfectly beautiful but doubt themselves due to external judgement. Granted, these parts become dysfunctional, and in this regard they may develop behavior that is unhealthy - a grounded "guilt" in this sense can help you recognize that. But no judgement or condemnation whatsoever is appropriate. Only 100% love, compassion, understanding.

We only have to be nuanced, transparent and honest enough to use this fire of love skillfully. Mental harmony can be very very beautiful to experience - and I am starting to feel that it is an absolute necessity for deep, sustainable and embodied consciousness work.

[Endangered-EGO]

@peanutspathtotruth I can meditate into equanimity and digest guilt shame etc. I believe. Observing it with laserfocus non-judgemental awareness.

I also suppress positive things, damn my mind is fucked up ??

[peanutspathtotruth]

Just now, Endangered-EGO said:

I also suppress positive things, damn my mind is fucked up ??

To accept that is a beautiful step. We are all so damaged and so scared to admit it. How amazing that we're brave enough to take this step and honestly wish to heal 

[Endangered-EGO]

@peanutspathtotruth I have no choice. It's not bravery it's a surrendering, just because my ego can't fight anymore.

[peanutspathtotruth]

2 minutes ago, Endangered-EGO said:

@peanutspathtotruth I have no choice. It's not bravery it's a surrendering, just because my ego can't fight anymore.

Great! Then surrender fully ? I call surrendering true bravery, without a someone to be brave

[Endangered-EGO]

@peanutspathtotruth I'm not sure what's gonna happen tommorow, but I know I can only surrender in the long run. No more fighting.

[Breakingthewall]

Of the feelings you have listed, there is one that is king: shame. other feelings are repressed and trapped by shame. Shame the deep feeling of not being fit to exist. a complete nonsense, since everything that exists is suitable to exist. without shame everything flows. 

Shame is the certainty that things should have been otherwise. it is a distortion between what is and what you interpret as it should be. the "should be" is pride that our ego exhibits, believing that it must correct reality in its manifestation. The solution needs humbleness, to get the equalization between should  be and what it is and the end of shame, the end of anxiety, and the beginning of the dissolution of personal history. if nothing is identified as good or bad, history loses its poison, remains irrelevant.

Edited September 22, 2021 by Breakingthewall

[Moksha]

Dealing with your demons is a sign of spiritual progress. People pursue awakening, as if the seeing itself dissolves the conditioning of decades. It doesn't. Awakening is only the first step on the path to enlightenment. Then the shadow work begins.

[Endangered-EGO]

@Breakingthewall Yes that's it. Shame is the result of not accepting that things are.

Question is: Is it possible to allow shame fully? It's very interesting, because it's a result of not allowing other underlying things fully.

 

@Moksha Actually what lead me to work through the dukka nanas, was a guy telling me, that I didn't lose "the awakening", but that I was in the post-awakening stage in which all the conditioning shows up, and told me that there's no need to catch another glimpse.

 

Now I'm in a position where I'm pretty certain that "the more I suffer now, the quicker and faster the future is gonna be incredible"

[Breakingthewall]

@Endangered-EGO it is possible completely. in fact the strange thing is shame, but it is something very common, and traditionally encouraged. The first time I fully transcended shame was on a bad mushroom trip. I began to remember trauma and could not stop, the most intense. suddenly, there was emptiness, and from emptiness something manifested itself, experience. like a perfect gem in the void, a miracle of glory. and here was "me" judging that experience as incorrect. I saw the absurdity of the matter and everything was floating around me like slow, without any force ... i was free, completely. Obviously the shame returned with time, but that realization had undermined it, it was crumbling, and today my suffering is quite low, I would not say that it was non-existent but on the way. in the end it is something very simple. things are as they are, and you, imaginary ego made up of thousands "should be", you separate yourself from them creating an imaginary parallel world of the should be. this world doesnt exist. only what is exists. focus on what it is, do not deviate a millimeter. it is neither good nor bad, it is the glory of existence

[peanutspathtotruth]

1 minute ago, Breakingthewall said:

@Endangered-EGO  focus on what it is, do not deviate a millimeter

All of meditation / contemplation in a nutshell, love it!

[Endangered-EGO]

@Breakingthewall I absolutely want to work with shame/guilt. If this is gonna work. I'm gonna feel invincible. 

But every aversion to something goes so so deep down inthe unconscious back in time, on a tangent. I'm gonna need 10years to purify everything at this rate.

[Moksha]

55 minutes ago, Endangered-EGO said:

Actually what lead me to work through the dukka nanas, was a guy telling me, that I didn't lose "the awakening", but that I was in the post-awakening stage in which all the conditioning shows up, and told me that there's no need to catch another glimpse.

Now I'm in a position where I'm pretty certain that "the more I suffer now, the quicker and faster the future is gonna be incredible"

⚡ The glimpse is the beginning of the ending of suffering. I don't feel a lot of people understand this. Opening your eyes is a profound first step, but it doesn't dissolve your attachments to the dream. It is simply the realization that you are in a dream. Letting go of your desires, and embracing equanimity, is the exit from the maze.

Something I wrote a while back, which speaks to this:

Bonfire of Being

Consciousness strikes the spark of my undoing,
Catching in the kindling of thought,
Consuming it to soot, intensifying,
Crumbling the timbers that it wrought,
Purifying fire ever rising,
Burning through the ropes of my desire,
Devouring the karma of my making,
Soul wind stirring these flames higher,
Scattering the ashes of my suffering,
No delusion left, only the fire.

[Breakingthewall]

58 minutes ago, Endangered-EGO said:

@Breakingthewall I absolutely want to work with shame/guilt. If this is gonna work. I'm gonna feel invincible. 

But every aversion to something goes so so deep down inthe unconscious back in time, on a tangent. I'm gonna need 10years to purify everything at this rate.

you're wrong, you need a second. I tell you from experience, it is something real. I come from a family that is a penance, and now I see it as a gift since it has not allowed me margin. either all or nothing. or transcendence or suffering, I suppose your case, from what you say, is similar. is what this work is about, deactivating the ego, but the ego is not deactivated little by little. you can try to modify it in 10 years, with psychology, and maybe it will work, but deactivating it is in an instant. Suddenly, you are gone, there is not you, only the experience that occurs, and you are free, although since you are no longer there, there is no you to be free, there is freedom. This happens, I think, as a result of the accumulation of this work, but it happens suddenly in an instant. then the ego returns, but it is already touched. 

because the ego is just an idea. the self that gives us so much war is nothing more than the idea of how reality should be. It is a virus of madness that comes as standard in the human mind and helps it to move forward as a species, and to embitter the life of the individual

Edited September 22, 2021 by Breakingthewall