How Shall I Set Personal Boundaries

[Illusory Self]

My Dad constantly messages me on whatsapp every day. He calls me everyday. He feels that it is something he needs to do in order to get some sense of satisfaction. 

I am going to be working for him on his business soon & planning on leaving my minimum wage job hopefully. I am just trying to figure out how to say to him that I find it his actions to overwhelming so he contacts me less frequently without upsetting him. He has been doing this for a while & I find it to much.

I don't like him always messaging me as it affects my sense of self worth & esteem since I feel like I am not putting proper boundaries in place.

He lives in a different country and wants a phone relationship with me.

How do I go about pursuing business work with him while at the same time asking him to respect my personal boundaries without upsetting him? Sometimes I feel like I would rather work a minimum wage job and not have him invade my personal space.

I do try and be loving towards him, but when I get that phone call - I resent it. Like "oh no not another conversation with my Dad again". It is everyday & can get to be overwhelming. He also sends multiple texts a day, like he has nothing better to do. Unfortunately he is in complete ignorance of his actions. I don't want to upset him because I love him and I know he loves me. 

Just trying to think of a healthy way of putting boundaries in place. Especially since I am hoping to work for him on his business he has.

Edited September 21, 2021 by Illusory Self

[RobertZ]

Healthy Boundaries

I don't know a lot about boundary setting. I would Google terms like, 'setting boundaries,' and 'setting boundaries excessive contact,' 'setting boundaries too many texts,' and 'setting boundaries too many phone calls parents.'

Also, I don't know the nature of your communications. For example, maybe you could consider whether the conversations otherwise pleasant--like philosophy, banter, and talking about life events--and the only issue is frequency? Or, are the communications a little more toxic, like gossip, blaming politicians, telling you what to do and what not to do, and so on? This consideration of the nature of the communications may help you to decide if you really want to become more intertwined with your Dad through financial dependency. An employment relationship may add an additional layer of subservience, despite the father-child relationship--which might be beneficial (mutual trust and more money in both of your pockets), or cause problems like manipulative affection and excessive discipline (you are not a child). For example, if your dad already makes passive aggressive comments telling you what to do and what not to do with your life, then an employment relationshp might tempt you to dishonour him. Asserting independence vis a vis parents, and earning respect for one's differing opinions or lifestyle is not easy and may take many years. 

 

Here is a technique you might want to use: 

Step 1: Brainstorming

Brainstorm some options and write them down. For example maybe write down,

Option 1 - Ignoring texts / not taking phone calls, except 1 x per day or 1x every two days. (Act like it's no big deal when he asks why you did not answer immediately. If he presses, do Option 2 (below).

Option 2 - Having a phone conversation and ask him if you can have conversations with him just two or 3 times a week. 'Can we talk two or three times a week [instead of two or three times a day]?'

Try to come up with 1 or 2 more options. You should have at least 3 options.

Doing nothing is not a good option. If you feel that 'Doing nothing' is a good option--then still come up with at least 4 options. 

Step 2: Analysis

Write down a number of benefits (+) and negatives (-) for each option. For example, one positive of ignoring texts and phone calls might be, 'May have a bit of success in reducing contact over time.' A negative might be, 'Dad might feel that I am unresponsive or irresponsible.'

Take a step back (go for a walk or something), and then review what you wrote. Make a decision. Consider timing but don't put it off forever.

 

 

[Illusory Self]

19 hours ago, RobertZ said:

Healthy Boundaries

I don't know a lot about boundary setting. I would Google terms like, 'setting boundaries,' and 'setting boundaries excessive contact,' 'setting boundaries too many texts,' and 'setting boundaries too many phone calls parents.'

Also, I don't know the nature of your communications. For example, maybe you could consider whether the conversations otherwise pleasant--like philosophy, banter, and talking about life events--and the only issue is frequency? Or, are the communications a little more toxic, like gossip, blaming politicians, telling you what to do and what not to do, and so on? This consideration of the nature of the communications may help you to decide if you really want to become more intertwined with your Dad through financial dependency. An employment relationship may add an additional layer of subservience, despite the father-child relationship--which might be beneficial (mutual trust and more money in both of your pockets), or cause problems like manipulative affection and excessive discipline (you are not a child). For example, if your dad already makes passive aggressive comments telling you what to do and what not to do with your life, then an employment relationshp might tempt you to dishonour him. Asserting independence vis a vis parents, and earning respect for one's differing opinions or lifestyle is not easy and may take many years. 

 

Here is a technique you might want to use: 

Step 1: Brainstorming

Brainstorm some options and write them down. For example maybe write down,

Option 1 - Ignoring texts / not taking phone calls, except 1 x per day or 1x every two days. (Act like it's no big deal when he asks why you did not answer immediately. If he presses, do Option 2 (below).

Option 2 - Having a phone conversation and ask him if you can have conversations with him just two or 3 times a week. 'Can we talk two or three times a week [instead of two or three times a day]?'

Try to come up with 1 or 2 more options. You should have at least 3 options.

Doing nothing is not a good option. If you feel that 'Doing nothing' is a good option--then still come up with at least 4 options. 

Step 2: Analysis

Write down a number of benefits (+) and negatives (-) for each option. For example, one positive of ignoring texts and phone calls might be, 'May have a bit of success in reducing contact over time.' A negative might be, 'Dad might feel that I am unresponsive or irresponsible.'

Take a step back (go for a walk or something), and then review what you wrote. Make a decision. Consider timing but don't put it off forever.

 

 

Thank you so much for that, I know this will take time since I often makes passive aggressive comments like you said. I am going to try my hardest to think of different options & possibly use the ones you suggested. I called him the other day he said "you been ignoring me" after a lot of text messages & I was like I have just been busy. He often seems to treat me like a child unfortunately. Tricky situation for sure & will probably take many years like you said. He tends to want to talk once a day which I personally find it to much. Perhaps 3x a week would be ideal & just communicate on email to do with business work. Just need to figure out a way to get there. Unfortunately when we talk, it is just talking about nothing. Talking for the sake of talking. It is so boring. 

[Eternity]

You might warn him after you ask him how he is and he answers that one, that you are working on something right now (cleaning or school or going shopping or cooking or work) and only have a minute or two to talk.  That way you are not just shutting him down, but giving a warning so he knows you will have to hang up soon and can't talk very long.