Emotional Healing (closed journal)

[Preety_India]

At last moving on..... 

[Preety_India]

 

 I also have emotional baggage and unresolved issues from my past relationships. 

My emotional baggage comes from being mistreated by my exes and feeling a sense of deprivation and abandonment. 

The only regret is that I stayed with them longer than I should have because I trusted them too much and believed that the relationship would still work even when they were clearly not putting any effort in making it work 

And I was a very positive person who tried her best to make those relationships work and did not realize that sometimes you need to stop hoping and start learning. I had this mentality back then that I could fix things and turn negative into positive. 

Sadly I learned my lessons through my relationships that relationships can't work just with one person taking the entire burden of the relationship, the other person must put equal interest and effort or else it crumbles. One person can only do so much. You have to break things and cut your losses instead of hoping for better things. 

Also i was manipulated extensively in these relationships where I was made to believe that I'm loved every time I doubted something. It's hard to think straight and logically when you are manipulated. I was completely brainwashed to believe that the relationships were working despite my intuition saying otherwise. 

Every time I tried to break these relationships, I was given new hope and I was manipulated even more. It was tough to understand what was going on. And I was a person who trusted very easily. 

I am better at detecting manipulation now than before. If someone told me something that doesn't feel okay, I lay down my boundaries instantly.

Back then I was completely shitty with boundaries. It is suffice to say that I didn't even know that the word boundaries existed. I had no idea what boundaries even meant. 

I had no idea how a healthy relationship looked like because my mother and father had a toxic relationship. He was the cool guy and she was an abuser. The dynamic was very ugly between them. She was not kind to him. He never expressed himself much. So there was no way for me to know what a healthy relationship even looked like. 

Back then I took everything at face value, not being aware of my own emotions, not aware of healthy dynamic and completely devoid of all boundaries. 

Not having any boundaries meant I was unable to say no when I was disrespected or mistreated. 

I was very forgiving. So if someone treated me badly, I used to forgive them instantly if they said sorry. But they would do the same thing again. 

The reason why I was so forgiving is because my mother is completely opposite of me. She was very unforgiving to my dad 

I had taken an oath in my life at the age of 14/15 when I ran away from home that I'll never become like my mother - ruthless, cold, unforgiving and hyper strict. 

I decided that I'll always be forgiving and gentle and warm rather than cold and not strict like her. 

She had warned me that the world is not a good place and that whatever she became, it was how circumstances had shaped her in her life.

She always told me that I was stupid and dumb and that I did not understand the world 

She considers me too loving and soft, incapable of survival. 

At certain points in my life, I felt like she was telling me the truth. But because I hated her so much, I was unable to accept her advice or her way of life.. 

I had deeply rejected her deep deep inside of me. I had developed intense hate knowing that my dad suffered because of her. Because I loved my dad to death, it created intense conflict in me as a child. I was supposed to pick sides between the two. I always chose my dad's side because he was more gentle and caring and she was ruthless. I could not resonate with her 

Maybe she was right about the harsh realities of life.

Because she had warned me early on that my soft and sensitive nature would invite a lot of pain in my life. 

By the way the turn of events in my life after the age of 18 actually proved her to be right. 

I suffered enormously because of my kindness and forgiveness. People who came into my life only took advantage of me. It left me drained stressed and traumatized. 

So in a way she was right about survival in this world and why she was being so tough. 

This has generated intense conflict between me and my mother. On one hand I hate her very deeply and I still forgive her despite everything, yet on the other hand I feel like she loves me in a very  twisted way that I can't explain. 

It feels like she shows me love through hate. 

On one hand I don't want to be like her at all and on the other hand what she says about the world is true but I'm unable to accept her advice because accepting her will make me become more like her. So it is a paradox. A vicious emotional conflict. 

Maybe after her death, I will sometimes have flashbacks where I will feel like  what she was saying was right. That will generate an intense conundrum. 

I will forever suffer conflict because my mother and father were polar opposites and the love for both has torn me apart. Either I choose my dad or I choose my mom. I decided to choose my dad.

But my mom used to hate my dad so much. In turn I began to hate her for hating my dad. 

Now you see where all the emotional conflict comes from. 

My dad was stage Green and my mother was stage Orange 

I began to embody stage Green to be more like my dad and less and less like my mom. I didn't like anything stage Orange. 

I began to hate people who resembled my mother.

I began to hate anything that reminded me of my mother. 

It created intense emotional conflict in me. I was divided between two opposite parents who could never be similar. 

My dad was very emotional. I became like him. 

When I was 15 years old I began to exhibit behaviors of my dad. This was against her expectation. She had imagined her daughter will be like her 

 

 

Then my mom resented me. During every fight she used to tell me, "you're so much like your dad." 

She wanted me to become like her. But I turned out to be like him. And she hated my dad a lot. So she began hating me as well because I reminded her of my dad. 

This is intense emotional baggage and unresolved conflict. 

I have emotionally rejected my mother and accepted my father 

I had to make one choice and I made it. It's final.. 

I have a lot of childhood scars coming from trauma that was unresolved and kept festering for years. 

All of this trauma was created by my mother. 

I became intensely attached to stage Green because it reminded me of my father and how safe he made me feel. 

Stage Green represented safety and security and warmth and kindness. 

I developed a strong rejection to stage Orange. It was poorly integrated in me because every time I try to integrate it, it reminded me of my mother and I simply cannot integrate anything that reminds me of her. 

Everytime I think of her and the conflict she creates in my mind, my stomach becomes sick. 

She left me with intense trauma, baggage, turmoil and conflict to deal with for the rest of my life. Good job as a mother. 

Even her death in the future will not resolve my trauma. In fact it will make it worse. 

I will have more conflicts because of flashbacks. 

I'm torn between love and hate. Glimpses of my childhood where I feel like she loved me when she hugged me immediately overshadowed by memories of her violently beating me and abusing me verbally and mentally. 

She mixed love with hate. She was a tyrant. She was nice one minute and then intensely cold and mean the next minute. She would love me and then hate me other days.

She normalized abuse in my mind. Blatant child abuse. She made abuse look like love. She mixed abuse with love. So she would beat me and then make it sound like this is all loving. Of course it is not. 

Because of her I lost sense of boundaries between normal and abuse. If my exes abused me, I did not feel that lt was abuse. I took it as love. 

My boundaries were horribly messed with since I was a child. I began to normalize abuse because that's what I did as a child. This pattern continued in my life. 

So if my ex disrespected me, i was desensitized to it. I was not able to draw a boundary. 

It took a lot of time and understanding and shadow work to finally escape the grip of abusive relationships. 

 

I know this is a lot to deal with but I'm a tough cookie who was being motivated by my dad. Never gonna give up, that's what he always told me. I'll always be his daughter first, her's later. 

 

[Preety_India]

Hopefully I'll be able to heal myself emotionally once and for all. 

I have been dragging this for years and despite all my efforts I haven't reached there yet. 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

I love you. I feel very blessed under your wings.

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

It means a lot to me because I never felt loved, supported, accepted, appreciated, or understood. You make me feel all that. 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

You have done so much for me. I got a new found self confidence because of you. You made me feel supported and empowered. You made me feel protected. That changed me instantly overnight. I dropped my inner anger and felt like I was swimming in love. My mood was uplifted and I felt extremely positive, less anxious and more relaxed. 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

I feel a lot less tension in my body and even more connected to you now. I love you so deeply. 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

Yea this is quite amazing. Actually with my first ex I never cried because he did not make me comfortable. My second ex. I never cried at all. Because he was the only one talking all the time. Plus he was always acting superior and judgemental. It was impossible to cry in front of him. I usually used to cry in secret when he was not around. With my last ex Joseph, he used to discourage any crying. He would cry a lot but if i cried he would tell me to stop and call me weak and useless

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

 you are having such a great impact on me. You're helping me so much. I feel like your love is healing me slowly. And I'm like a baby running towards waves finally able to play freely. 

You bring out the child in me. 

You make me feel very open and free. 

Your love heals my wounded inner child. 

You are making me a different person. 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

I feel like this with you these days. 

I feel like a child playing on the sand. I feel like my inner child is so free to express itself with you. You bring out my true vulnerable self more and more. 

It feels like emotional healing. 

You make me so open and vulnerable 

 

 

I feel like a child running on waves. 

 

Edited September 21, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

I feel a lot like this dancing kid when I'm with you. You bring out my inner freedom. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel @Marcel

That's me. Definitely me without any doubt. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Why do I feel like I am rapidly changing? 

 

I am becoming more and more matured in ways that I might not like. 

 

I was always a bit childlike. 

 

But my body is forcing me to enter into zones or states I was never used to 

 

I could be sitting on a couch right now and have a conversation with a guy that resembles a boss in an office. 

And he might even appreciate my maturity. 

 

 

Ughhh

 

 

I hate this stuff. I hate myself. 

I am such a submissive obedient person that I just hate how I always try so hard to fit in

 

It feels like there are only two selves on the zodiac. 

One in the upper zone, the dreamy zone from January to July. Stage Green 

And the Lower zone, the more nerdy vindictive practical Stage Orange zone. 

Both are competing for a piece of the pie. 

 

 

Where am I lost in this world of checks and balances? Why did God make me? I don't belong in this shitty planet. 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Maybe far far far away there's someone that feels exactly like I do. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

2 factors (actually many more) 

 

1...One is resources like upbringing, financial, emotional resources, your immediate environment and its degree of toxicity, your support system around you, your moral system around you and your relationship with the general survival market, your basic leverage in the world 

 

2...the amount of education you take. I'm not talking about scholastic education. I'm talking about real life guidance and education to deal with life. How much guidance you get, how you implement and how early you receive this guidance with respect to age 

 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

Yesterday we were talking about grand dad. And you had an emotional release. We won't divulge into details. So you say that you do miss him and you had a huge release.. 

You let it all out. 

How did you feel after releasing? 

You felt like your heart was lighter. 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

• We talked about mom 
• Grandad issues... Felt unsafe and uncomfortable as a teen 
•  How compassion is needed to heal mom's issues. Using gentle approach 
• The incident with dad. After that a phone call with grandmother. 
• He had npd. (avoiding conflict) did not understand when you were 15. Cold behavior 
• And that there is conflict between. You don't tolerate disrespect. You won't take disrespect.
• Expenses, how many euros were spent in different ways? 
• Money mis management 
• Start working in 4 months. 
• 4 months time for emotional healing, psychological healing, cultivation of compassion, ignore dad, mental health struggles, problems with expression, suicidal tendencies, open communication and sharing, you want to be able to access emotions properly, mental instability, no control over emotional state, weight loss, physical exhaustion (over exertion and body and mind abuse, self destructive behavior), existential crisis, confusion state there is no sense of direction, feeling all emotions at once, music was having a bad influence, mental and emotional exhaustion because of crying and pent up emotions, talking about and crying was making you feel better, healthy crying, uncontrollable crying causing exhaustion, you want to work out 3 times a week for 30 minutes. 
• You cut out superficial friends 
• Past addictions - TV, overeating, music and video games, walking, over exertion, studying 
• Stage Orange mindset (from family) blue in family, maternal is green 
• Suicidal tendencies 
• Free therapy - planning to go to a therapist conflicted about therapy due to bias and bad experiences with therapists in the past 
• Integration of masculinity 
• Shaming your own masculinity 
• Free expression of feminine side 
• Morgue helps you. Some of his work 
• Bob Proctor - stage orange 
• Struggle with Stage Green emotional side. Can't relate to it 
• Dominant and submissive side 
• Food preferences changed - vegetables and fruits.
• Walking in early morning for 30 minutes 
• Sleep quality - all over the place. Very sleepy. Over sleepiness. Not a proper schedule. Not able to keep a schedule for more than 2 weeks 
• Don't watch porn 
• Emotional issues - majority /major 
• Definition of spirituality - to develop love, compassion and care and understanding 
• Suicide attempts - 2, 18/20
• Loneliness 2 years (last) 
• Pyramid scheme- it helped you become more extroverted. Don't regret it. Lost money on it. Regret losing money on it. Overall negative experience. Interacting with different people was a positive part of the experience 
• Number of friends - very very few. 
• Bullying - 7th grade (13 years) to 10th grade (16 years ) cold environment 
• Defensive at times in teens 
• Some anger issues due to suicide based trauma 
• Emotional Maturity - need to develop. Access to feelings needed. Impulsive during triggers. Less control on emotions.
• Dealing with everything all alone 

 

Edited September 21, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

@Marcel

You are loved hun. I love you 

 

 

[Preety_India]

@marcel

It's time to be practical, to integrate emotional side and to resolve trauma. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

@Marcel

@marcel 

We share each other's trauma, all of our energies are free to use, we lessen each other's trauma, we lift each other up and we heal each other so we don't feel tired together. 

 

Edited September 21, 2021 by Preety_India