Why Settle Down At All?

[DanoDMano]

For about fifteen years now I've asked this question, especially to those that feel they have the right to "screw around" on their partner.

You always hear the excuses. Oh... they've gained weight and let themselves "go". Oh... they work too much or they're too lazy. Oh... they don't like sex and they're not intimate enough. They drink too much. I feel neglected most of the time. On and on. I always picture the old adage that the grass is always greener on the other side. There's no contentment anymore with our intimate relationships.

So then my question is. Why must our relationships with the opposite sex be so intimate then? Because at least 50% of the time they just end in disaster anyway.

After my breakup of thirteen years (and three daughters) in 2000 I started thinking in these terms. For three years I didn't date at all. To be honest my heart was broken. After some healing and self-reflection, I decided to get back on the horse. But I went at dating in a completely untraditional way. 

From date one, I'd tell any woman the honest truth. That I'd never be exclusive and that I'd never expect them to be either. They were given the opportunity to pursue any additional relationships that they felt would make them happy. If they found the "love of there life" while dating me they were free to walk away completely or simply tell me the truth and we could still be the best of friends if that is what they desired. The majority of the woman I dated accepted this without hesitation and they'd also include passionate, uninhibited sex without any obligation from either of us. Now don't get me wrong, I was never much into dating or having casual sex since my breakup (five total), but any woman that I've considered dating over the years was told this up front and most led to strong intimate friendships. FWB I guess is the term they use nowadays.

Now I was 35 when I started dating again and my women friends were between 30 and 45. So I suppose this has a strong barring on this idea being accepted because their maturity was a very important part of why these agreements were made in the first. 

So now I'm wondering. We know that ego is the cause of our emotions both negative and positive. This includes the seven "sins". Three of which are pride, lust, and envy (jealousy). These three emotions can be directly related to intimate relationships. So... If we're searching for enlightenment and taking complete control of our egos, why then would we care if our intimate relationships included happiness and joy with other people. If enlightenment is the understanding that we are all one and one is all, then why are we so afraid of others finding this happiness with someone else other than ourselves. Why must we be exclusively supplying this happiness and not allowing others to fulfill it as well? Do you see my point?

I think that the younger you are, the harder this is to understand. I also think women would also find it harder to digest.

Then there's the whole factor of sex. Sex is just that. Physical contact with emotional strings attached. I'm sure when you find enlightenment sex becomes nothing more than an act of procreation. I'm sure it doesn't mean we stop the emotion of love. Love just means something entirely different than we know now.           

 

 

  

[luigi1994]

@DanoDManoSorry for my english first, i'm from Rome.

I'm 21 and i had 3 important relationships in my life.... Now i decided that i don't need anyone because i understand that no one can give me happiness, except for me. 

That necessity that i felt ot be with someone, and that necessity that people have to be in an close relationship i think is just the fear to end up alone in your life, i'm really interested in you experience... The thing is that when we are in a close relationship we start developing feelings of security and posessing, since security is the DEAD feeling, because when you feel secure you don't risk.. I think society created this way of be ONE- ONE relationship, because if we have someone to care about, and "our happiness" is based on that person, we are not longer willing to fight and dead for our, freedom, ideals. 

tell me what you think, thanks 

 

Edited February 11, 2016 by luigi1994

[DanoDMano]

12 hours ago, Chives99 said:

Most people aren't enlightened so are unaware of this mechanical process of attachment. The innate drives of the survival not only of the species  but the human condition. True authentic relationships would occur when the distance between  self and other were removed and there would be need for anything to be any different ever again. This would of course stop all selfish  behaviors such as hurting others to better yourself. Things would just flow.

I'd have to agree with you 100%. Society has screwed this up so bad, the chances of this phenomenon ever changing in our lifetime is in my opinion 0%. 

Edited February 11, 2016 by DanoDMano
wrong user

[DanoDMano]

12 hours ago, luigi1994 said:

@DanoDManoSorry for my english first, i'm from Rome.

I'm 21 and i had 3 important relationships in my life.... Now i decided that i don't need anyone because i understand that no one can give me happiness, except for me. 

That necessity that i felt ot be with someone, and that necessity that people have to be in an close relationship i think is just the fear to end up alone in your life, i'm really interested in you experience... The thing is that when we are in a close relationship we start developing feelings of security and posessing, since security is the DEAD feeling, because when you feel secure you don't risk.. I think society created this way of be ONE- ONE relationship, because if we have someone to care about, and "our happiness" is based on that person, we are not longer willing to fight and dead for our, freedom, ideals. 

tell me what you think, thanks 

 

@luigi1994 your so young brother, I feel kinda bad with your saying you don't need anyone, because quite honestly we as humans actually do. We're a social species and we all need other people in our lives. Not to make us happy necessarily, but probably more to give us validation of our own existence, if that makes sense. Did you know that one of the main causes of Alzheimer's in the elderly is being left alone for long periods without socialization? In fact older people that in retirement homes are far more less likely to develop the disease than those that live alone, and have few visitors.

It is true that only you can create your own happiness, but I don't think that's the true meaning of relationships anyway. True, authentic relationships with others, and real uninhibited intimacy that can be shared between two or more life forces together will be very positive and healthy for your future, so you can't abandon that. Unfortunately they're hard to find and lead to emotional pain and mistrust, but you can't give up because if you stop trying  then you'll never know what an authentic relationship really is. Your just beginning this journey so every mistake and future relationship you have is a learning experience. You must continue this social path in order to grow and increase your knowledge of the human condition.

You may also find that "one" intimate relationship is enough for you and that's completely ok. Just don't settle, and have patients for the real thing. We are all different and have our own truth's, find yours and the happiness will come from within and not from anything that's external in your life. In fact those things will have no bearing on your life at all when you find your true self. Take care. 

 

  

[luigi1994]

@DanoDMano Thanks for your answer, i understand what you say, but i think relationship are not based on TRUTH (romantic, frienship, family etc etc) are not completly authentic because are based on personal or mutual interest. I study education for special kids in Rome, and when i went to Guatemala and India to work in a educational project for kids. In that moment i realize how magnificis was to have TRUTH. Those real relationships with the kids and the people there, just authentic without any kind of interest. I felt that that was real, and that was the sattisfaction of all the social necessity that the human being needs, because what i need is Truth. 

When i have everything in order in my life i feel happy, but i want to be able to feel same happiness or even more when i lose. You understand me ? i want to have that indipendence to know that the truth is inside of me, and that i'm able to need just me, and i'm not saying that i'm going to be completly alone, i'm just saying that i'm going to invest my passion in authenticity.

Tell me what you think, thanks. 

Luigi

[DanoDMano]

@luigi1994  I think you absolutely right brother. And I do understand. Your writing down and asking the questions that, in reality your asking yourself. I don't have these answers for you, but you already know them anyway. Keep asking and the answers will begin to reveal themselves. Just don't stop asking. That's what I think. Later Brother.

P.S. and those relationships you had with the kids and the people of those countries? You have been given a rare gift, because now you know the difference between the real and authentic relationships and the egotistical, fake and superficial ones. Consider yourself a lucky man.