Abusive 90y old grandma

[Ina]

My 90 year old grandmother has very severe neurosis and slowly stops thinking logically, she is hurting other family members.

My grandparents are over 90 and will soon be living with my parents. I'm looking for a solution to described situation because I assume that such cases are common and surely there Must be some way to deal with such a negative person who is no longer able to process thoughts in a logical way and is hurting her loved ones.

All her life she could say anything, all the negative things and insult everyone and they would just nod their heads. My family taught her that she can do and say anything she wants, because she is an old woman.

She talks constantly, like the radio, even when she is alone. Most of the time she complains and says offensive things about the world and other people.

My grandparents slowly started moving to my parents' place in the village and on one visit I talked to my grandmother. She threatened, as it turned out jokingly, to carry my parents' cat into a ditch (she hates idea of living with a cat). I said she couldn't do it, and then I wanted to explain that I didn't know it was a joke (a few days earlier she was able to chase the cat out with a rag on the upper floor). She flew into a full blown RAGE, called me a b**ch (?!), and came close to throwing items off the table at me. She isn't talking to me for a month now. I was the first family member besides my grandfather to speak when she no longer wanted me to speak. And she went crazy.

The level of aggression I saw in my grandmother at our conversation was so shockingly high that I realized the seriousness of the situation. I wonder if there are professionals who deal with just such cases, where you have to help an elderly person and at the same time defend yourself from verbal attacks.

If any of you have any sources of knowledge on this I would be very grateful if you share.

Edited September 21, 2021 by Ina

[Nahm]

@Ina

Is she physically hurting you?   

[Ina]

@Nahm Physically no. She came close to grabbing the object and throwing it at me, but backed away. This is an older person who is almost impossible to logically explain not to do/say something. I'm wondering if there are proven ways to talk to/cope with such people, in order to make life with them bearable.

[Nahm]

@Ina

Glad to hear that on the physical end. I’d just look at it like that’s how she is or is being, and there isn’t anything you need to do about it. Make a mental note of her business and your business, and let her be how she is. What more can you do really? Maybe if she starts crossing that physical line she might need to relocate to somewhere equipped to address but otherwise, try to lighten up as much as possible about it. Let her be, and focus on whatever else you want. Maybe get a few days away if you get to mentally engaged / entwined. 

[David L]

I understand what you are going through. Similar situation with my 93 year old mother. Threats, verbally abusive, paranoid, instant rages. Diagnosed as bipolar ??

Own version of reality. Calls the police and very manipulative. Very fearful. I am so tired of talking with the police or the fire dept if she thinks there's smoke. No Alzheimer's. A very difficult patient to advocate for. She's scratched and bitten myself as well as many caregivers or nurses. She is a retired nurse and knows so many tricks. Has to carry a knife or screwdriver to bed to feel safe. So much misdirected energy, so tiring...

Use to think I understood something about the human mind, but this is beyond my capacity to deal with, especially with someone I have been so very close to. I'm sure someone could objectively work through this maze, but it's not me. Of course, most of us would like to give their all and help care for and support our closest family. Been there done that. Some people want to heal and do that, some people need help when losing capacity and heading out of this world, there can be a trust. Some of us could use a little encouragement when dealing with no win situations.

I am not willing to engage in the drama and follow others down a delusional path, that is harmful to myself. Tried that, not taking care of oneself. The boundary becomes clear at some point.

It's like all the filters are off. Suspect that all the suppressed emotion and trauma from a childhood from another era, which can no longer be hidden by a facade.

Motivation to continue working on oneself. Can't heal everyone, despite family loyalty. I know there is god in there somewhere, but some others are so darned tricky. There's probably some great lesson in utter failure to reach another (especially family member), let me know when you figure that one out.

 

 

 

[Ina]

 

Thank you so much for your responses.

@Nahm Thank you for the advice in that situation!

@David L Your story helped me gain perspective, thank you for such a broad description.
 

  Quote

"It's like all the filters are off. Suspect that all the suppressed emotion and trauma from
a childhood from another era, which can no longer be hidden by a facade."

exactly.
 

  Quote

"There's probably some great lesson in utter failure to reach another (especially family member)"

Huge.

 

I am really worried about the effect her behavior will have on my parents, as they are both very sensitive and yielding.
I have to give them some technique to deal with grandma. I have started looking for a solution in the Behaviorism. I found one useful thing:  

Set boundaries by responding to positive behavior and ignore, to the extent possible, bad behaviors (link to the page).
 

Recently, I've realized that old people have trouble thinking, but they still react, like any other human, on that animal level

 

[David L]

 

Perhaps there was a decision to heal ones family? That's an ambitious goal.

One can always work on themselves and make progress.

Your lucky, that you can see all this dynamic play out from a bit of a distance, as unpleasant as it is, and perhaps choose a clearer path.

Thanks for the reminder about boundaries. That appears a fruitful examination, which others have recommended to me.

Just a couple personal observations.

On a positive intent, I believe some elderly, especially in the mother role, are desperately trying to keep involved in Life and participate using whatever avenues of expression are left, even raw emotion.

Mother is a very powerful, primal role, mine hasn't signed on to be the child, despite becoming one emotionally.

 

 

[Virgo]

I would love to be around her ? crazy 90y old, tell her when are you going to ? Jk lol. Just show her love and like Nahm said if she's not hurting you that's good. Remember that you gonna be old too one day and just be with her. And ofc avoid her as much as possible if u can.

[hamedsf]

reminded me of old granma in horror movies.