Helplessness

[LeoX8]

My friends I am truly despaired and in need of an external point of view on my life so far, I can't ignore it anymore.

I feel helpness and I don't know what to do. This summer I started to have backlashes of suicidal thoughts. One day I was so low: I went in a camp with a knife and I called my country's suicide hotline for giving this life a last chance. I called twice but they did not respond. I don't reccomand a similar experience. Since then I talked about it only to my girlfriend and a friend and that has helped a little bit. 

I feel judged by people, I feel that I'm not in the way I'm supposed to be but at the same time I don't know "how" to be. 

I started my self-help journey when I was 16 (now I'm 19). Since then I watched a lot of Leo's videos, read about 50 books of the booklist and still do that daily (I started the booklist about a year ago), I take copius amounts of notes, I journal twice a day, make affermations, meditate, do cold showers... I devoted myself to make my life better but the only thing that I want right now is to end my life in brutal ways.

I feel like I should not consume media, but create media. The only thing I do is sell custom t-shirts online. That earn me some money but I don't feel original and when I do the creation does not sell. I feel guilty because I'm chasing money and success; I know that they won't make me happy but I keep on doing that. I feel like a failure because my success comes from a single artwork and even if I put a lot of effort in expanding my business and creating more I don't get results.

I also fear that one day I will be betrayed by my girlfriend, even though things are going well with her. I feel like I'm not enough for her.

This week I wanted to be alone and focus on my work. But I ended up finishing my goals early in the day and then have nothing to do. I don't know I should I spend my time because I feel guilty in watching videos, tv series, ecc... 

I meditate and contemplate on what I am but not understanding what awereness, nothingness and God are. Staying with the not knowing and the confusion drives me crazy.

I can't explain to myself why the only solution seems to kill myself. I try so hard to prevent that, but no matter what I do I feel like a failure and basically I'm living my life in a confirmation bias upon which I search for reasons and situation to prevent feeling like a failure and by doing so basically  confirming that I am one.

Sorry I know this is rough and a lot to digest but I needed a toilet where to puke all of this. Most of the times I feel good and happy to live my life but sometimes this shit happens and nothing seems to help.

Feel free to tell me any thought that you have had

[Random witch]

Working for money it's not a bad thing. Money isn't good or bad.

money is a tool. one can do good with it or do bad.

You need money in order to survive. so don't blame yourself for "chasing" for money.

You are a normal person who wants to be a live and that's a wonderful thing!

In order to be alive you need money and you need a will to have money.

Please be more gentle with yourself because you are very harsh.

I understand that you are an artist and you want to create original things and make money out of it. It's a good idea actually.

But be aware that it takes time to make a living as a full time artist and it might take years so keep working and do your best. 

Learn how to run a business, create a business plan, learn from artist who make living from selling originals.

And take your time to learn, improve art skills, create more and more art.

You sell T-shirts! That's a great start!

I know artists who struggle even with that. You need to be proud of yourself!

 

Also learn how to manage your time, I know it's not easy but it's possible. Enter those fun videos you like to watch to your schedule. There's nothing bad about entertaining yourself sometimes. Sometimes it's crucial for mental health.

 

About your GF? Things are temporary, nothing is forever, sooner or later you'll change, she'll change and you won't agree on the same things anymore, and you'll be two strangers, and that's normal, it's OK, that's the life.

 I understand you are afraid to lose her, those are fears who come to you because you ae attached to her. Ego fears.

Try not to worry about it and enjoy of the time you spend with her and appreciate it!

Do you love yourself?

I feel like you're not, but it something you can change and work on.

Same about your self esteem.

Maybe she the one who needs to worry about loosing you?

 

As I said, be more kind to yourself, and not so harsh.

 

To kill yourself is not the solution, you are probably already understand it.

Life is for you to enjoy, don't make a tragedy out of it.

 

I know that life can be hard sometimes and stressful, but life is also beautiful and wonderful 

You are not the only person who feels like looser sometimes, actually we all feel that sometimes.

Those are feelings and as they come.... they go.

 

 

Edited September 20, 2021 by Random witch

[LeoX8]

@Random witch thanks, it did help a lot. I actually do love myself and spend a lot of time growing that aspect. I think all the effort I put in my life is a form of self love. But in those moments is hard to love myself. All the failed projects and hopes come back and it's quite difficult to handle them.

thanks agai for the help <3