Should I give approval to girls?

[StarStruck]

So I stopped giving approval to girls and they seem to seek it and when I don't give it, they want it even more. Should I keep this dynamic? For now it works but I'm afraid they will give up and just scoot off if I don't give it to them. For now I just give tiny bits of indirect  approval and it seems to work but I was wondering what the right way is.

To be honest, I'm still beta and I'm looking for validation and approval too and I'm just masking it. It is for my own good will. I noticed that it is a huge turn off for girls if I seek it so I'm just acting I'm not seeking it but girls are not dumb they can sense it. 

For now I'm just faking it until I make it and I don't need validation and approval. In the meantime I need to keep this dynamic going where they seek my validation and approval. If I know one thing it is this: don't feed pigs until they are full, always keep them begging for more!

[Javfly33]

Its good fake It until you make It But keep working on yourself to truly become non attached on validation.

This is basically self love and unveiling false beliefs about women being this lights of being and so on.

[The White Rabbit]

@StarStruck

What are you really looking for from them? What is your ideal scenario?

[flowboy]

Don't give full approval until you have gotten to know her enough that she deserves it.

Otherwise, what are you really approving? You don't know if she's fun to hang out with, whether she treats her friends well, what her values are, and if she's any good in bed. And anything else that might be important to you.

Until you have found out all of that, giving her full approval is just based on projections and assumptions.

And that's needy.

It's okay to give out a couple breadcrumbs on the way though, notice some things you appreciate about her personality or style for example. If you don't do that at all, you're being unnaturally standoffish, and she's going to wonder why you're even talking to her.

[StarStruck]

1 hour ago, flowboy said:

Don't give full approval until you have gotten to know her enough that she deserves it.

Otherwise, what are you really approving? You don't know if she's fun to hang out with, whether she treats her friends well, what her values are, and if she's any good in bed. And anything else that might be important to you.

Until you have found out all of that, giving her full approval is just based on projections and assumptions.

And that's needy.

It's okay to give out a couple breadcrumbs on the way though, notice some things you appreciate about her personality or style for example. If you don't do that at all, you're being unnaturally standoffish, and she's going to wonder why you're even talking to her.

That is a good point. I don't trust girls so I won't play open card with them anyway.

I found this interesting video below. At 5:29 they say don't be a girl's emotional support: do you agree with that?

 

15 hours ago, The White Rabbit said:

@StarStruck

What are you really looking for from them? What is your ideal scenario?

This girl is just sharing a lot of her day with me and I'm just acknowledging her "emotional hardships" but I'm kind of confused how to act. I met her in the gym and we worked out couple of times. I could invite her to my home and she would come but I'm more in the relationship to learn from her. She is really great at flirting and I hope it rubs off onto me.

@Javfly33

True, the moment I gave up on girls, I really started making leaps with pickup.

[Spiral]

The no compliments/approval approach is effective although it’s kinda mean long term.

[Leo Gura]

Show approval when she genuinely clears your own high standards and values.

The problem is when you give fake approval in order to butter her up. But if she genuinely impresses you, show that you are impressed. Girls love feeling like they are special in your eyes. So if she does something genuinely special, definitely communicate that to her. These are the most powerful kind of compliments because they are rare, genuine, and deserved.

As an insecure and needy beta guy the problem is that you probably don't have strong standards and values. Which girls can smell, therefore your compliments don't mean much.

[Void and soul]

34 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Show approval when she genuinely clears your own high standards and values.

The problem is when you give fake approval in order to butter her up. But if she genuinely impresses you, show that you are impressed. Girls love feeling like they are special in your eyes. So if she does something genuinely special, definitely communicate that to her. These are the most powerful kind of compliments because they are rare, genuine, and deserved.

As an insecure and needy beta guy the problem is that you probably don't have strong standards and values. Which girls can smell, therefore your compliments don't mean much.

I suppose that the difference is that fake compliments and genuine compliments are accompanied by a very different body language and energy. 

[Eren Eeager]

31 minutes ago, Void and soul said:

I suppose that the difference is that fake compliments and genuine compliments are accompanied by a very different body language and energy. 

Yeah, the former is like, " You are hot, now please love me, please I need you to accept me" which is lame and so beta.

[Nahm]

Address the fear directly, without involving another person. If you’re looking for a healthy & fullfilling relationship, don’t begin it with manipulation. That’d be thinkin with the wrong head. If all you’re really interested in is yourself / your gratification / you getting laid, you could just resort to a prostitute. Then your intentions would be a match in honestly and you wouldn’t have to experience the gaming & manipulating, nor inevitable karma & shadow work of having hurt anyone. 

[SQAAD]

I believe in being spontaneous. I don't think about giving approval or not. I Just do it or don't do it. The problem is when you do it mechanically with ulterior motives behind. The problem is when you fake it and not being authentic.

I stopped giving compliments when i don't really feel like doing it. I always try to be as honest as possible.

[flowboy]

2 hours ago, StarStruck said:

I found this interesting video below. At 5:29 they say don't be a girl's emotional support: do you agree with that?

The video is not that bad. It's easy to misinterpret, though.

Things that you don't want to provide early on, are things that you should provide later on, in a healthy manner, in order to have a good relationship with someone.

When you just got someone's number and have been on one or two dates and haven't slept together multiple times yet, you should have a boundary that you don't overinvest: you're not going to play therapist, and you're not going to buy her whatever she wants.

Providing emotional support is something you do for each other when you're either good friends, or in some kind of male-female relationship. If you're not able or willing to do so at that stage, you're not being a healthy, valuable man, and only emotionally damaged girls will stay with you basically.

So it's more nuanced than: "never do it" or "always do it".

She has to see that you treat your friends really well, you provide your friends with emotional support, and you are generous with them. This tells her that you have a great inner circle that she should want to be a part of.

But to become a part of it, first she has to show you her good side, by being fun and interesting and not boring you with stories that you wouldn't care about (such as complaining about another guy).

The emotional support and the generosity are two examples of something you have to earn, when you come in to someone's life. Both when making friends, and when dating.

TL;DR: don't listen to any stories about other guys, or anything else that you're just not interested in, in the beginning stage of dating. She has to impress you, while you are also impressing her. If she's going on and on about this other guy, it's pretty clear that she stopped wanting to impress you, so you're wasting your time at that point.

But don't take it to the extreme of making it a principle that you *never* buy girls anything, or you *never* listen to anything emotional, because then you'll be an undateable douchebag.

Find your center. Feel into what stage of investment you are in, and what feels right for you to provide at this point. If you go to either extreme, you lose. If you try to stick to some hard rule that someone on the internet made for you, you come across like you have issues, and healthy girls will run away.

The only way to do it authentically, and not scare healthy girls away, is to invest what feels good to you, and no more.

If you say you "don't trust girls", then the most useful practice for you is to lean into your discomfort, and give the girls a bit more trust than you normally would. This will give you better results.

Because if you come into it with an untrusting attitude from the start, she'll feel that, and either mirror that back to you and behave untrustworthy, or just run away to a guy with a healthier emotional state.

Edited September 20, 2021 by flowboy

[Bando]

Your attention as a man is your most valuable commodity only give approval and attention to reinforce good behavior don't ever give your attention to something if the girl is doing something you don't like, this includes getting into arguments, talking about emotional issues or other petty shit, make your attention valuable and she'll either be more attracted to you or go seek it from somewhere else. 

Its ok to get deeper once sex has happened but until then you should be wise on how you use your attention.

[Hello from Russia]

10 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Show approval when she genuinely clears your own high standards and values.

The problem is when you give fake approval in order to butter her up. But if she genuinely impresses you, show that you are impressed. Girls love feeling like they are special in your eyes. So if she does something genuinely special, definitely communicate that to her. These are the most powerful kind of compliments because they are rare, genuine, and deserved.

As an insecure and needy beta guy the problem is that you probably don't have strong standards and values. Which girls can smell, therefore your compliments don't mean much.

Totally great advicefor the attraction phase

I feel like in a long term relationship, though, it's very beneficial to butter your partner up constantly and make it actually a habit. Kinda learning to appreciate your partner more and more each day in various ways and clearly communicating him that. When I started doing that, the relationship became much more smoother and there was more love/higher vibration flowing day-to-day

[hyruga]

Depends on what you want to be: A player or a committed long term partner. 

Obviously, the video is written for those who want to be player. 

You want to be an emotional pillar for your future spouse. Otherwise, she will leave you citing a lack of chemistry and connection between the both of you.

 

[Preety_India]

1 hour ago, hyruga said:

Depends on what you want to be: A player or a committed long term partner. 

Obviously, the video is written for those who want to be player. 

You want to be an emotional pillar for your future spouse. Otherwise, she will leave you citing a lack of chemistry and connection between the both of you.

 

Best advice ever given on this forum by far.. 

I'll note this as "best relationship advice for all situations." 

Tagging this post. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

11 hours ago, Nahm said:

have to experience the gaming & manipulating, nor inevitable karma & shadow work of having hurt anyone. 

Somehow this part is never ever strongly enforced in this section of the forum. 

I wish people understood the depth of it. 

 

[Leo Gura]

7 hours ago, Hello from Russia said:

I feel like in a long term relationship, though, it's very beneficial to butter your partner up constantly and make it actually a habit.

What you mean is this: in a long-term relationship it's important to learn your partner's top 2 love languages and communicate your love for them via those 2 languages.

With that I would agree. I don't consider that buttering up tho. I consider that a conscious expression of your love, in a non-needy, non-manipulative way, in order to maintain a long healthy relationship and to deepen love.

In general, learning how to give genuine, authentic, and powerful compliments is a life skill one has to train and cultivate. It does not come naturally to most people.

[Gesundheit2]

I don't know. Should I give money to a rich person?

[Leo Gura]

12 hours ago, Gesundheit2 said:

I don't know. Should I give money to a rich person?

Most girls are super insecure, so your qustion should read: Should I give money to a poor person?