Shall I reject her?

[Illusory Self]

I am 25 years old & have no experience with rejecting women in my life. I met this girl on a meetup group that is very attracted to me is but is 43 & looks a lot younger . Is a Christian. I did not know her age until the day after I met her. She looks like she is 30. I feel I will not be able to go very deep with her based on her beliefs. 

She genuinely seems to be a very nice & caring girl and only met her twice but I do not feel anything when I am with her. It is not because of her, it is that I don't feel anything being around her.

I made it explicitely clear to her that I am scared that I am going to hurt you and do not want you getting attached to me. She said okay, we can be friends ect... but I know she likes me in a relationship type of way and I know she ultimately wants a relationship with me. I stupidly made a move and kissed her when we were out. I went back to hers (probably not the best idea) then when we are about to have sex and she says "I wish you would not mess with my head like you did,  I can't do this" (referring to sex). 

I do not like rejecting people & upsetting people, because I have had it done to myself and know what it feels like. It is my life though, if I really asked what I wanted - I probably would not be around her. The feeling of rejecting her feels unbearable to me because I never had to do such a thing in my life. Women have always rejected me.

Or shall I try and give it a chance? That would probably be only to please her though. 

I think what makes it really hard is that she seems such a genuinely nice, loving & caring girl. I feel like it will upset her. 

The more I meet her the worse it will be when it comes to rejecting her, maybe now is the right time to minimize the suffering on her side? 

This is going to be such a hard move.... but I know deep down rejecting her is the right thing to do. 

We have only met twice & we did not end up having sex so hopefully I will not hurt her that much.

If I don't reject her, I will be living my life to please other people and that is not who I authentically am.

How does one go about the feeling of rejecting others & possibly upsetting them?

Edited September 19, 2021 by Illusory Self

[Raptorsin7]

@Illusory Self Rip it like a bandaid and just end it. Don't give prolong this because you will just dig yourself a deeper hole.

If you are already second guessing this after a few dates it's not going to get better with time.

 

[Preety_India]

Don't do this just to please her. It seems you haven't fallen in love with her. 

Spare her the trouble of heartbreak and let her go now. 

Better now than later. 

 

[Nos7algiK]

Reject her but obviously be nice about it. Not too nice where it still seems hopeful though. The sooner the better as well for this will only eat you up more and more inside and it's not fair to her as well.

[Roy]

4 hours ago, Illusory Self said:

I stupidly made a move and kissed her when we were out. I went back to hers (probably not the best idea) then when we are about to have sex and she says "I wish you would not mess with my head like you did,  I can't do this" (referring to sex). 

Yup. This was a fuck up for sure. Buuuut you are really lucky you didn't have sex or this entire situation would be a LOT worse. Now when you let her go it won't sting as much because there isn't that experience involved.

Needless to say it WILL upset her and you as well, but it's necessary. These things can't always be clean.

This probably isn't the best analogy but it's the first thing that came to my mind - Relationships between two people are kind of like a pile of electronic cords behind a computer, as you get more involved and spend more time together and "add more cords" by sharing emotions and getting intimate, the pile can become pretty complicated. Even between the most well adjusted healthy people when they try to end a relationship and pull their "cord" out it can be pretty difficult because you will be pulling on a lot of other cords.

Pulling yourself out of that pile can be difficult and painful, that's a feature, not a bug. However it's much less painful the sooner you do it when there aren't so many cords tangled up in the pile.

[The White Rabbit]

6 hours ago, Illusory Self said:

I made it explicitely clear to her that I am scared that I am going to hurt you and do not want you getting attached to me. She said okay, we can be friends ect... but I know she likes me in a relationship type of way and I know she ultimately wants a relationship with me. I stupidly made a move and kissed her when we were out. I went back to hers (probably not the best idea) then when we are about to have sex and she says "I wish you would not mess with my head like you did,  I can't do this" (referring to sex). 

I do not like rejecting people & upsetting people, because I have had it done to myself and know what it feels like. It is my life though, if I really asked what I wanted - I probably would not be around her. The feeling of rejecting her feels unbearable to me because I never had to do such a thing in my life. Women have always rejected me.

As she is 43 years old, she should be far more mature than you. So do not worry about upsetting her that much. You're nor the first nor the last with whom it goes "wrong". I suppose the odds that she's able to read the situation are quite high.

Obviously, it was probably a poor idea to kiss her if she's got feelings for you and you were aware of it. But as you said, your truth isn't there. And you're not going to date her out of guilt.

6 hours ago, Illusory Self said:

How does one go about the feeling of rejecting others & possibly upsetting them?

By making the best choice for the two of you, in all respect and cordiality.

You are not saying "no" to this person precisely and determine her worth as "poor", but to your compatibility. It's not personal. It just doesn't work.

[Average Investor]

It's tough at first with feeling like you are hurting others. It's not really that fun to be on the receiving end of something like that especially after a bit of a prolonged connection. You can use this as a learning lesson for how you want to go forward with more relationships. I try to avoid giving girls any sort of signal at all if I would not want to date them. It's tough in the moment especially if they are good looking. 

8 hours ago, Illusory Self said:

This is going to be such a hard move.... but I know deep down rejecting her is the right thing to do. 

Sooner is always better than later. I regret not breaking it off with girlfriends I had sooner once I knew it likely wasn't going to work. Plus if you do it sooner it will likely be less hard on her. It's good to address it with her if you can.