Longing For A Partner... Or Am I?

[chris_crunch]

Hey guys. I'm not sure where I should start, or how to best phrase my concerns about this (I tend to be very bad at trying to convey my thoughts, so apologies in advance). 

I'm a 21 year old student studying Mathematics at University. I've found it interesting, and I enjoy logical thinking... but for as long as I can remember, I've had a deep longing for connection, love and intimacy with a partner. Fortunately I grew up with great friends whom through hanging around with, on the face of it, people would say my social skills are quite good. The problem is that they are... up until a certain point...

I keep thinking that I've resolved the 'issue' that I'm about to mention, but I had another episode of it 3 weeks ago which I'm still trying to clear up. I don't know what this problem is, but it seems to be preventing me from actually getting what will make me happy:

The issue: So essentially, this is what happens. As I said, I'd usually do okay with girls. Being a fresher in college, we go to bars/clubs, I meet girls there, chat away, end up kissing a few, bringing some back, whatever, I don't think much of it. But every so often I meet a particular girl that... I just go crazy over. It's like I have to be with her. I do all this stupid stuff like text her to much, and be too eager to meet up... I'm willing to drop all the other stuff that's going on in my life just to spend time with her. Either she agrees, and the quality of my life goes down so much to the point where I just don't even feel justified to have her in my life... or else the eagerness actively pushes her away.

Either way I'm left distraught, angry at myself for the stupid way I'm acting, and confused... and really, really upset. I can't stop thinking about the image in her head of this 'cool guy' she first met... and then slowly watch as I turn into a complete mess, and being repulsed by it. 

What is going on here? Why do I get so attached, why do I feel like I need this external validation?

It's not just her, I also constantly care about my social image and standing. I mean, who doesn't, especially in college, right? But it's getting to the point where I'm literally seeing how my fretting over it is the exact cause of me acting weird, to eager, to cocky, to clingy, to boastful... 

What I've tried: I realize that what I'm looking for is a dependent relationship, which is strange, because my higher self knows what this is, and I know I don't want that. I thought about the fact that not having a clear sense of where I'm going with this maths degree, not having a purpose, not really feeling solid in the sense of identity that I have at the minute, is causing me to derive my sense of significance from other people's opinions of me.

I've though about that for weeks now. Which means one way to resolve it is to have something better to do than to care what other people think. This seems right, right? The question is, what is it? I keep using affirmations, trying to convince myself that Maths is awesome, I came her to study it, why should I care about 'being cool'...

Though I feel like 'being cool' is actually what I want, more than maths, deep down. I want to be loved, to enjoy making money, partying with hot girls... seemingly more than I want to be sitting in on a saturday night in the library, scribbling numbers on pages. 

I'm starting to also think girls not liking my thin-slice of 'the stereotypical mathematician' is a problem. I always though that they'd be impressed that I'm not the typical maths student, I'm sociable and like having fun... 

What's going on here? I know that girls find a sense of direction and purpose attractive... why am I finding everything so conflicting, and cultivating what I want to do... Why am I so confused, and why is this so difficult? 

And I haven't even thought this desire for a relationship through. It'll definitely harm the result I get in my degree... or maybe I just need one right now?
But how to get it, with someone I really like?

As my therapist said, when I stop looking, she'll arrive...

[Callum Milner]

Hi!

 

 

 

On the issue of wanting relationships,  what's happening is you really want this girl, so you think thiughts to yourself like "shit I better not get obsessed, come of as needy", ironically this is what makes it appear. You need to let go of neediness, which is entirely possible to do. So that you no longer care whether or not you will get the girl, which puts you in the best possible position to get her. It doesn't matter what the reason for this is, this may become clear later if you do what I suggest, you don't need a reason to solve it. But likely it's based on low self esteem, or on wanting to be seperate, to distinguish yourself to be special and doing this through wanting approval to validate how you see yourself, (which is perfectly fine everyone does this )

 

First of all, I can guarantee you at some point in their lives nearly everyone feels like you do, so don't worry about it too much. But most people don't ever fix it, which I'm gonna tell you how to do

 

the best way to do this is to let go of your inner blocks and emotions using the Sedona method. You can't force this to change by being angry at yourself.

https://www.amazon.com/Sedona-Method-Happiness-Emotional-Well-Being/dp/0971933413

the Sedona method has many programs, but the best way is to read the book, which Leo has on his book,list as a five star book. The chapter I would use is releasing on wanting approval and releasing on attisning your goal of a fulfilling relationship.

 

Seriously this is perfect for your problem, I know because I was in the exact same position. At just the beginning of this year, I became too attached to girls, and would sabotage myself thinking 'they won't like me' etc or 'I'm too needy I, not good enough', the Sedona method enabled me to COMPLETELY solve this. Not improve not fix I mean COMPLETELY fix it, now it's 100% gone. Ironically the less I care whether I get a girl, the more girls like me.

Just a side note you need to be patient, for me it took three weeks of releasing for at least  twenty minutes a day to get rid of that problem.

 

There you go, this is a way to completely fix this, it's just up to you whether you actually do something about it or just read this on not try fix it.

 

 

 

Edited December 11, 2016 by Callum Milner

[aurum]

1 hour ago, chris_crunch said:

Hey guys. I'm not sure where I should start, or how to best phrase my concerns about this (I tend to be very bad at trying to convey my thoughts, so apologies in advance). 

I'm a 21 year old student studying Mathematics at University. I've found it interesting, and I enjoy logical thinking... but for as long as I can remember, I've had a deep longing for connection, love and intimacy with a partner. Fortunately I grew up with great friends whom through hanging around with, on the face of it, people would say my social skills are quite good. The problem is that they are... up until a certain point...

I keep thinking that I've resolved the 'issue' that I'm about to mention, but I had another episode of it 3 weeks ago which I'm still trying to clear up. I don't know what this problem is, but it seems to be preventing me from actually getting what will make me happy:

The issue: So essentially, this is what happens. As I said, I'd usually do okay with girls. Being a fresher in college, we go to bars/clubs, I meet girls there, chat away, end up kissing a few, bringing some back, whatever, I don't think much of it. But every so often I meet a particular girl that... I just go crazy over. It's like I have to be with her. I do all this stupid stuff like text her to much, and be too eager to meet up... I'm willing to drop all the other stuff that's going on in my life just to spend time with her. Either she agrees, and the quality of my life goes down so much to the point where I just don't even feel justified to have her in my life... or else the eagerness actively pushes her away.

Either way I'm left distraught, angry at myself for the stupid way I'm acting, and confused... and really, really upset. I can't stop thinking about the image in her head of this 'cool guy' she first met... and then slowly watch as I turn into a complete mess, and being repulsed by it. 

What is going on here? Why do I get so attached, why do I feel like I need this external validation?

It's not just her, I also constantly care about my social image and standing. I mean, who doesn't, especially in college, right? But it's getting to the point where I'm literally seeing how my fretting over it is the exact cause of me acting weird, to eager, to cocky, to clingy, to boastful... 

What I've tried: I realize that what I'm looking for is a dependent relationship, which is strange, because my higher self knows what this is, and I know I don't want that. I thought about the fact that not having a clear sense of where I'm going with this maths degree, not having a purpose, not really feeling solid in the sense of identity that I have at the minute, is causing me to derive my sense of significance from other people's opinions of me.

I've though about that for weeks now. Which means one way to resolve it is to have something better to do than to care what other people think. This seems right, right? The question is, what is it? I keep using affirmations, trying to convince myself that Maths is awesome, I came her to study it, why should I care about 'being cool'...

Though I feel like 'being cool' is actually what I want, more than maths, deep down. I want to be loved, to enjoy making money, partying with hot girls... seemingly more than I want to be sitting in on a saturday night in the library, scribbling numbers on pages. 

I'm starting to also think girls not liking my thin-slice of 'the stereotypical mathematician' is a problem. I always though that they'd be impressed that I'm not the typical maths student, I'm sociable and like having fun... 

What's going on here? I know that girls find a sense of direction and purpose attractive... why am I finding everything so conflicting, and cultivating what I want to do... Why am I so confused, and why is this so difficult? 

And I haven't even thought this desire for a relationship through. It'll definitely harm the result I get in my degree... or maybe I just need one right now?
But how to get it, with someone I really like?

As my therapist said, when I stop looking, she'll arrive...

You've at least got the diagnosis right, which is that you get needy. That's half the battle.

Consider this all just a learning experience to discover more about your inner insecurities and limiting beliefs.

You won't believe me but it's perfectly fine that you're confused. Deep down almost everyone is.

On top of that, you're still crazy young. I was just as confused, if not way more confused at 21.

Also, you're a 21 year old guy in college and you'd rather be fucking girls than studying math in the library? I'm so shocked

Why couldn't you be a mathematician that also likes to have fun? Doesn't seem to violate any known laws of the universe I know.

My advice to you is just keep exploring and experimenting. Try some meditation if you don't already. Relax. This isn't as serious as you think and all your problems are common as shit

 

Edited December 12, 2016 by aurum

[Arman]

Yeah, like aurum said, at least you recognize the problem. Most guys don't realize their neediness is even repelling women. At worst they think it's a good thing and just get super bitter when the girls get repulsed. 

2 hours ago, aurum said:

I've though about that for weeks now. Which means one way to resolve it is to have something better to do than to care what other people think. This seems right, right?

No, at least the way you're expressing it, having something 'better to do' sounds more like covering up a root issue. However not focusing on it so heavily is probably a good idea. 

You're going in the right direction. Life and its tragedies (like you not doing so well with her) are exposing your blind spots and burning them out of you. That's what girls do. The pain is good and you're understanding its root. 

Keep taking action as you're doing (and ur doing good son) and allowing your blocks and dysfunctional behaviors to come to the surface of your awareness. As long as you're aware, then they will start to untangle. In order to greatly accelerate this however, use a practice like Callums recommended Sedona method, or Vipassana, shadow work, letting go, or whatever resonates with you to allow the visceral roots of the behavior to integrate. 

Tip: the emotions that arise, the negative feelings, that's where the money is  

2 hours ago, aurum said:

Why am I so confused, and why is this so difficult? 

cos that's the way it is. integration of what holds us back is a long and exhausting process, but it's worth it 

Edited December 12, 2016 by Arman

[clytaemnestra]

On 12/11/2016 at 11:45 PM, chris_crunch said:

I'm willing to drop all the other stuff that's going on in my life just to spend time with her.

It calls being in love and the first sparkle. That happens to me as well. Give time, time. It fades away with time. 

 

On 12/11/2016 at 11:45 PM, chris_crunch said:

I want to be loved, to enjoy making money, partying with hot girls... seemingly more than I want to be sitting in on a saturday night in the library, scribbling numbers on pages. 

I never met anyone who would rather be studying than having a fun. I'd rather make love than do anything in my life. Everyone wants pleasure and fun, it's completely okay (unless you're addicted or you can't control yourself). 

On 12/11/2016 at 11:45 PM, chris_crunch said:

not having a purpose

Who has it with being 19? I'm older and I still have no idea what I want to do in my life. Yes, I have a direction, but not a perfect vision. If you think that studying is something people adore doing and are really passionate about, you're wrong. Yea, there are some great things, but studying at college is mostly 90% boring time and 10% of joy. You learn too much shit, especially on the first year.

On 12/11/2016 at 11:45 PM, chris_crunch said:

impressed that I'm not the typical maths studen

I'd be impressed with anyone studying math. But you don't study it to impress others, but because you like it, right? (yea, liking someone doesn't mean necessarily that you prefer it to sex, having fun and so on)

On 12/11/2016 at 11:45 PM, chris_crunch said:

sense of direction and purpose attractive

Again, you want a sense to be attractive to others? Think about yourself a bit, what that sense mans to you.

On 12/11/2016 at 11:45 PM, chris_crunch said:

Why am I so confused

Because you're overthinking. You want to be attractive to others by being intelligent, but on the other hand you want to be having fun and funny at the same time. So, you have an inner conflict partying vs. studying. What's kinda okay when you balance it. No one says you should only study or only be partying. {btw if I were you, I wouldn't be looking for a girlfriend [if you are(what I wouldn't recommend you at this moment)] in clubs and bars, but in places where people with high IQ meet, if that's one of your highest values, so you can let each other grow, if math is indeed your passion. try MENSA, chess club or so. not all mathematicians are nerds}

I have a feeling that you're a bit needy and have some insecurities, why you want to be attractive by being a mathematician. When a girl finds you attractive, then you leave a math because the purpose of it was to attract the girls. I'd suggest you on being single and alone for some time. Trying to be in a relationship with yourself where your parts of you which are in conflict - the fun part of you vs. the serious part of you, should find a way to balance and to dance together, instead of fighting. Also, give time, time.