What now?

[Illusory Self]

I had a very intense awakening a couple of weeks ago I think (I am losing complete sense of time). First of all my ego mind could not really compehend it and thought I was going crazy, that lasted for 3 or 4 days. A LOT of zen devilry was being used during the initial 2 days and quite a bit after that also as it was a shock to my state of consciousness. I am becoming very wary of the zen devil now though. It can play a whole lot of tricks on you, those tricks can become truth if you are not careful.

I did not expect to have such a radical awakening that lasted for around 5 days before the intensity of it dropped. My "ego" assumed it was a permanent thing but I guess not. After the intensity dropped, I feel the peace and silence of talking to people without any kind of awkwardness. It is nice but not as intense as the original 4 days that I experienced true liberation from mind.

After that period, I learnt to practice self satisfaction and being completely happy in the presence of my own being with the different state of consciousness. Yes I still have a very little sense of "I" left. Yes I still have an "ego". I feel in my own being there is not much of it left of it at all though. I don't want to be around anyone. People do not bring me joy or happiness. I am in a permanent solipsistic bubble & am unsure what sort of practices to do. My "ego" or sense of self likes to basically self inquire into the nature of reality 24/7. My mind wonders, but it wonders in a way that does not really cause much suffering because I do not feel any kind of attachment. Being around the opposite sex does not bring me joy, I almost feel like I need to say things in order to please there sense of self. How shall I build healthy relationships? 

My worldview is coming to be very nihilistic.

I am genuinely curious on how to cultivate healthy relationships as I am finding this to be more of a challenge as of late. 

Reading  TMI to further deepen meditation practices, unfortunately I have a very hard time sitting down on a chair and meditating. I know that is something I do need to work on. I do prefer lying down in bed to do it. 

I will dedicate around 2 - 3 hours per day to spiritual practice. What techniques do you recommend?

Edited September 19, 2021 by Illusory Self

[Gesundheit2]

4 minutes ago, Illusory Self said:

 What does everyone think I should do now to completely dissolve this sense of "I" for good? 

Nothing.

[Nahm]

1 hour ago, Illusory Self said:

I had a very intense awakening a couple of weeks ago I think (I am losing complete sense of time). First of all my ego mind could not really compehend it and thought I was going crazy, that lasted for 3 or 4 days.

Try to catch / notice those ‘my ego mind’ thoughts, noticing that is thought / those are thoughts (and not this other thing ‘my ego’ which is doing the thinking). Awareness is directly aware of thought. No actuality of a middle man ‘doing the thinking’. 

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A LOT of zen devilry was being used during the initial 3-4 days and quite a bit after that also as it was a shock to my state of consciousness. I am becoming very wary of the zen devil now though. It can play a whole lot of tricks on you, those tricks can become truth if you are not careful.

Likewise, each of those are actually a thought, and I mean that in the sense or color of relief and hope it’s received that way. There’s not really a ‘zen devil’ which could be accredited with anything, and there isn’t a ‘state of consciousness’ that ‘you have’. It sounds like the breakthrough was delightfully without this self referential thought story, and now the thoughts, which weren’t really inspected, are again arising & repeating. 

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I did not expect to have such a radical awakening that lasted for around 4 days before the intensity of it dropped. My "ego" assumed it was a permanent thing but I guess not. After the intensity dropped, I feel the peace and silence of talking to people without any kind of awkwardness. It is nice but not as intense as the original 4 days that I experienced true liberation from mind.

A my ego doesn’t return or come back, as there wasn’t a my ego in the first place. It’s one thought appearing at a time. Look to see the one thought at a time, vs going into the content or story of thoughts. 

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After that period, I learnt to practice self satisfaction and being completely happy in the presence of my own being with the different state of consciousness. Yes I still have a very little sense of "I" left. Yes I still have an "ego". I feel in my own being there is not much of it left of it at all though. I don't want to be around anyone. People do not bring me joy or happiness. I am in a permanent solipsistic bubble & am unsure what sort of practices to do. My "ego" or sense of self likes to basically self inquire into the nature of reality 24/7. My mind wonders, but it wonders in a way that does not really cause much suffering because I do not feel any kind of attachment. Being around the opposite sex does not bring me joy, I almost feel like I need to say things in order to please there sense of self. How shall I build healthy relationships? 

My worldview is coming to be very nihilistic.

I am genuinely curious on how to cultivate healthy relationships as I am finding this to be more of a challenge as of late. 

It’s likely because you sound (to most people I presume) like someone who is fully immersed in a cult. Not that I’m saying or believe you actually are, but I think it likely sounds like it to the people you are trying to forge relationships with. I hope that isn’t taken personally / offensively, as the intention is to offer you an honest observation & perspective as to what might not be ‘clicking’ in your life / relationships. These terms you use are microcosmic connotations that no one really relates to, and I for one desire more of you just as you are, not you with the thinking & reality views of another through you. 

Does it feel good to you to believing these things?

How does that jive or not with people in conversations? 

What does feel good to you? (Proceed with that)

As someone reading the thoughts you’re sharing who is not experiencing them, it sounds like you are telling the precise opposite story of you & your life… than what you actually desire to experience. It’s ok to know and feel with absolute certainty that this love & joy is your true nature and arising ‘in’ / as, you… and experience this love & joy that is our infinite being with others. Balance, equanimity… bring that pendulum back some. Spirituality ‘should’ imo enhance your life / experience in every way. If you want to ostracize yourself into a cave of sort, you’re heading in the right direction. If that isn’t what you desire, be very honest with yourself about what you want at this point in your life. Have a look at Maslow’s pyramid and look for more general basic components of building the life, like financial freedom, relationship building, etc. Google / research from there into specifics. 

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Reading  TMI to further deepen meditation practices, unfortunately I have a very hard time sitting down on a chair and meditating. I know that is something I do need to work on. I do prefer lying down in bed to do it. 

I will dedicate around 2 - 3 hours per day to spiritual practice. What techniques do you recommend?

If it’s hard to sit still look to express how you are feeling and ‘get it out’. Expressive writing, talking with someone, and any creative activities are most effective. 

Overall, I would drop conceptual spirituality all together, make a dreamboard, and consciously create & experience the life you truly desire to. Not what you may have come to think is the best or ideal, but much more so what you actually & naturally unabashedly want & desire.